Forever Changed

Tonight is the "eve of my life being forever changed." I am expecting that tomorrow will be one of the most amazing and one of the most anxious days of my life. Tomorrow we meet a little girl that we have been praying for, planning for, and thinking about for months!! The thing is that we have had months to think about her, study her face, pray for her, learn a few words in her language, etc. We CHOSE her. She didn't choose us. She gets whoever they hand her! I hope she'll be okay with who she gets!

I can't even describe how I'm feeling right now. I should be doing so many others things and yet here I sit. I just want to get my thoughts out. I just want someone to know how I feel. I know there's no way she can know, but I pray that in some way I can begin to show her.

Right now she's riding on a train to her first flight destination. She'll be traveling for almost 24 hours by the time she gets here tomorrow. She will be exhausted and disoriented. And she'll be met with the worlds' craziest family hugging and kissing all over her!! She'll climb up in our big ole van and head to Knoxville to spend a month in our family. I can't even imagine how she's feeling right now. She still doesn't even know who we are. She won't know until she boards the plane at 11 pm tonight (our time.) It will be 6 am their time. And then she'll have just a few hours to look at our pictures, read the few words there on that page and wrap her head around all of it before falling off of the plane and into our arms.

She's a brave soul. They tell them bad things about Americans. And as crazy as some of them sound, the kids believe it. Because it's coming from people that they trust many times. All these kids coming to America are brave. They are leaving everything they know, everything familiar, their language, their friends, everything to come and hopefully get what they long for--a family, even if it's not "officially" their forever family. They get a connection with what a real family is. That's what this program is about. It's giving these kids a chance to see how functional people live in families and in this world. It's giving them the love of a mom and dad--even if just for a short time in person. They will have those families, in most cases, to communicate with forever. What a precious gift for them.

But I can't even begin to imagine what it's going to do for our own family. My prayer is that God would use it to change us forever. My prayer is, of course, that she will end up in our family forever. But that's way down the road at this point. Right now, we're just looking at the next month. We're looking to love her and pour into her all we have.

We are so blessed. I am overwhelmed at the outpouring of love and prayers we've had from friends and family. There are so many people supporting and loving this little girl and us through prayer. Thank you from the bottom of my heart if that has been you. As anxious as I feel right now, I know that it will all come together, and I know that it's in God's hands. No where better to be. So we go into this with a thankful heart, blessed beyond measure with friends and family who love us so much!! And I know that if she does end up being ours forever, she will be blessed beyond measure as well. She will come to America with so many people loving her!!

I can't wait to be able to share our adventures and memories that we'll make while she's here. All of you who have prayed, this is your journey too. Thank you for contributing! Thank you for loving us well!! I feel completely covered and even at peace as I finish writing this. Yes, that is why I write. Thank you, Jesus, that we can always lay it all on you.

My Eastern European princess is on her way, and I couldn't be happier!!!

On my heart...sex trafficking

It's been quite awhile since I've blogged, and every time I get on, I remember why. Blogger is not working well for me, and if I sit for any length of time to think, I have trouble getting it to start again. That's not so easy.

But today I have something to say. I've had something for awhile, but I haven't been able to get it right. But I'm going to try now.

As most of you know, we are hosting an orphan from Ukraine this Christmas. We are so very excited about this, and we are praying that it will turn into an adoption as well. But that is yet to be determined. But in all of my excitement about this, I've been watching videos and reading books and doing lots of research about orphanages and other missions that help them. I've found many worthy ministries. There are many people out there who are helping, and for that I am truly thankful. I haven't found a lot of people in the United States who know too much about what really goes on in these orphanages (or really cares much, for that matter) but there are some.

You see, there are estimated to be 147 million orphans worldwide. That number seems overwhelming. I think that's why most people just turn a blind eye. I mean, what can one person do, right? It's much easier to pretend that they aren't there, to pretend that the healthcare crisis in America or border control or higher taxes or just Obama himself is so much more of a pressing matter. I'm not saying those things aren't important. They are. But Jesus didn't say a lot about them in his word--except that the example of the New Testament church was to sell all they had to be able to give to others.  Just sayin'.... [On a side note, I'm not sure where that puts me as a conservative Republican, but whatever.]

But Jesus did talk about the orphans. Jesus did talk about the oppressed and the poor. He told us to care for them. He told us he wouldn't leave them as orphans. Guess who are supposed to be his hands and feet--not leaving them?? THE CHURCH!

So I'm not here to preach to anyone about adoption or even hosting a child. I really don't believe that adoption is the answer. There's no way we could ever adopt all 147 million orphans out there. Not gonna happen. And people aren't going to respond to that call. Some will. Some will adopt. There are lots of people out there doing just that, and it's awesome! If you know someone--help them! Answer the call that way. Many people want to adopt but can't afford it. That is a great way to help if God has put that on your heart.

But there are so many other ways to help. There are so many other answers to the problems, so many ways to be the hands and feet of Jesus and help "the least of these." You can sponsor a child through Compassion or World Vision. I know there are lots of other ways to sponsor a child, but I know personally that these two organizations make sure that the maximum amount of your money is going to help the orphans. Follow Katie Davis at her blog Kisses from Katie and see what amazing things this young lady is doing for Jesus--just by following his call when most anyone else would have thought it was impossible. Read some books like Infinitely More and Priceless to educate yourself on what is really going on out there beyond our safe little houses and safe families.

I've found an amazing ministry called Stella's Voice. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've heard of it before, but now I'm in so deep I can't get out! I want to help. I have the overwhelming desire to help. Make sure you check out their ministry. Watch this:

Like I said, I'm in deep now. I can't back down. God has my heart. But I didn't just want to give money--although that's definitely in the plans. I know that our little bit helps as it is combined with others. But I want to do more. So here's my plan. At Christmas, everyone is more giving, right? Most people are feeling a little more charitable. I really want to get as much as I can together to send to this ministry. Their headquarters are in Alabama. The shipping can't be that much. If it gets to be so much that the shipping is ridiculous, I'll drive it there myself! But they need clothes and toiletries and toys and shoes and socks and linens. They have so many physical needs. They are trying to build two more homes that would house 70 more girls. 70 more girls that would be safe from human trafficking!!! I want to know that I'm making a difference in someone's life. It would be amazing to get to go there myself in Mondolva but that's not going to happen in time soon. So I would love to be able to help in other physicals ways.

Here are the facts. Over 20.9 million adults and children are in slavery today (sex or forced labor) according to equalitynow.org. Here's what one young survivor had to say:

"They forced me to sleep with as many as 50 customers as day. I had to give [the pimp] all my money. If I did not [earn a set amount] they punished me by removing my clothes and beating me with a stick until I fainted, electrocuting me, cutting me."--Kolab, a survivor from Cambodia

 The thing that got me so into this in the first place was hearing the statistics of orphan girls who end up in prostitution or sex trafficking. You see, in Russian (and other Eastern European countries) the orphans are turned out and expected to live on their own at 16. They are no longer adoptable and no longer a responsibility of the orphanage. This depends on the country and orphanage but the age is either 16 or 18 in each of the countries. With little education and up against insurmountable odds, what is an orphan girl to do? From statistics that I've heard, close to 90% of these girls end up as prostitutes or being sold into slavery. Human trafficking is a very lucrative business--much more lucrative than drugs. And hearing these statistics along with connecting with a sweet Ukrainian orphan (whom I've never met) just by seeing her photo, has set my heart on fire for this mission. I cannot imagine her sweet face being turned out to the streets in just a couple of years. God has given me a fierce, protective love for her already that is so deep that I just want to give her everything we can to equip her for this world. All we can really give her is Jesus. He's the only hope. My biggest prayer is that she will see that while she's here. And if God ordains it, that she will be back to live with us permanently. And in that way, maybe we can keep one more orphan out of the hands of the traffickers.

But that's just my thoughts. That's what got me to thinking about this. It got me researching and doing. And if you know me, you know I'm a doer. I got that from my mama!! I tend to sometimes do things too fast without thinking. But I know this is a good thing.

So here's what I'm asking. If you live in Knoxville (or want to mail me something) I will be collecting items to send to Stella's Voice. Like I said above, please watch the video and check out the website to see what they are all about. Here is a link to see all the things they need and the specifications. Obviously, money is also always appreciated--checks made out to Stella's Voice.

So if you feel led this Christmas to give, I'm going to start collecting whenever people start giving. If you feel led to share this with others, please do. If you feel led to help me out with this, please do. If you are in other parts of the country and you think you might want to do the same thing in your community, go for it. And let me know!! I would love to make this thing big! Just my way of trying  to help from my little corner of the world. My kids are in on this as well. The younger ones don't know all of the details of course. But we're praying. And we'll be giving as a family. Won't you join us??

Hope to hear from you soon!!!

My epiphany

I had an epiphany today.

I looked around my house at my six precious children and realized, they are all here. They are all still here. In two years, one will be gone. But for today and for the next two years, they will be here.

As tears welled in my eyes, threatening to spill (and incite another round of "why are you crying, Mommy" questions--because I cry at the drop of a hat) I gathered myself and made the decision to make this the best year yet.

You see, when I started this homeschool journey 13 years ago, my oldest was 3. I was bound and determined to be the best homeschool mom ever, and he was of course going to be the best student. He was going to be the smartest and the most well behaved (if you know him, you know how that one turned out.)

As it happened, though, just as he was about to start his Kindergarten year, we added a baby to our family. He couldn't have been happier, of course. But this certainly put a little crimp in our homeschooling schedule and plans. Then as he started 1st grade, we had just added another sweet bundle. We added that 3rd bundle in the middle of his 2nd grade year. To say his first three years of academia were "scattered" would be quite the understatement.

But we kept plugging. During the summer between his 4th and 5th grade years, we added the next sweet blessing and then between 7th and 8 grade added our last. So, you see, Trand has never known school without babies. He's never known what uninterrupted time with mom was. He's never known what it was like to really stick to a schedule because there was always a little one around--always.

And Trand will be going off to college the year that Cedar starts Kindergarten. So he will have spent his entire academia life with babies and toddlers and now these last two years with a pre-schooler.

But these two years are what I'm focusing on. Because you see, I truly believe that the three year old year is when it all changes. It all gets easier. And I haven't had a 3 year old as my youngest in 13 years! So I am quite excited about this. Cedar is able to be entertained during the school day. He's got five brothers and sisters who absolutely LOVE playing with him. They are thrilled when it's their break time or their scheduled "Cedar time" and they get to play Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or even My Little Pony (Rainbow Dash is unabashedly his favorite) with him.

My epiphany came today when I realized how easy the last week and a half has been. We've gotten all of our school work done every day, there have been no major breakdowns, relatively few distractions, decent attitudes all in all, and I've really felt like we've accomplished a lot. It dawned on me that this was the difference--my youngest was three.

In the same thought it dawned on me that my oldest is 16 and a Junior. He will be leaving in two years. Yes, while my youngest is getting older and easier, that means everyone else is as well.

I will not be dwelling on what I'll be feeling in two years. I want to live in the moment now. I want these next two years to count. I want to soak up every memory, every thought, every word. I want to cherish every laugh shared--especially between my oldest and youngest. I want to capture the moments of bellowing laughter and sweetness shared, drinking in the beautiful times and even the not so beautiful ones.

Yes, I plan on making it a memorable two years. I don't know where life will be taking us tomorrow or next week or next year. But I'm enjoying the ride with six great kids that I have the amazing privilege of mothering.

And I wouldn't miss it for the world.

What is required?

Last night I had Jon listen to this song.....

He had heard it before on the radio, but he has a problem actually listening to a song past the first 20 seconds. ;) It's called "Kings and Queens" by Audio Adrenaline, and I cry every time I hear it. If you just skipped over it and you're not familiar with it, it's about adoption. And it's dead on.

You see, Jon and I talk a good bit about adoption. Well, mainly I talk, he listens, and then says something about waiting for God to change his heart about it!! Ha! But recently we got a bit of good news. Jon got a new CFO position at a bigger hospital here in Knoxville. Now he will be only 12 minutes from home instead of 45-50! Plus, it comes with a salary increase. That got me thinking about the verse "Everyone to whom much was given, much will be required." (Luke 12:48.)

Now this isn't a new revelation. It's not like I all of a sudden think we have "much." I think pretty much everyone in America has "much." If you have a roof over your head, clothes on your body, food in your refrigerator and especially a device on which you are currently reading this blog post, you have "VERY MUCH" by the rest of the worlds' standards! But this current turn of events has gotten me thinking....what is required of me?

I also know this.  "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit [or care for] orphans and widows in their affliction." So we are commanded to care for the orphans. Actually, it's true religion. (Side note: I do often think the widows get a little left out of this equation so I'm not trying to short them. But for my purposes today, I'm talking about the orphans.)

Adoption is always on my radar these days. I think it's a beautiful picture of how we have been made Children of God. We were born into sin. We were as far from God's children as we could be because God cannot be in the presence of sin. But although we did not deserve any of it, our creator chose us from before the foundation of the world to be called "Sons and daughters of God." Ephesians 1:5 says, "He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will."

Of course, we have our own adoption story in this family. It has touched us in a very real and personal way. And the fact is, there are orphans out there who need families. I know there's a lot of corrupt stuff that goes on in adoption, but I don't think we can let that deter us from those truly in need.

So I worry. I worry that we aren't doing enough. We aren't doing what is required of us. I worry that we aren't practicing true religion and giving what we should be.

But today, God has been giving me another verse. 

He has told you, O man, what is good;
    and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love mercy,
    and to walk humbly with your God? ~Micah 6:8

What does the God require from us??? This is it! This is for me today! This is all I have to do--for today. You see, I'm in the wonderful position of being the wife of a wonderful man. So that means I get to submit to his decisions. Yes, you read that right. I get to!! 

Submission is a beautiful thing to me. It means that I don't have to answer for all of our family's decisions. It means that if things don't work out, I'm not the one in charge. It means that I don't have to agonize over what to do with our money or resources. Yes, I have input and opinions and Jon values 

those. But in times like this when I'm stressed over everything, I get to put that stress aside and rest. It means that the decision of whether or not to adopt is not just sitting on my shoulders. I am not to be my husband's holy spirit and continually whisper in his ears, "There are orphans who need us..."

I trust that God will speak to Jon about what to do with what He has given us. I also trust that praying will be a much more effective way of working on Jon's heart than my words in his ear! So I'll work on my part to do justice, to love mercy and to walk humbly with God. I would say that's quite the undertaking right there--enough for me to spend quite some time on!!

Adoption: the beautiful and the ugly

Adoption is a beautiful thing. But it's also hard and messy. 

I had lunch with a friend on Monday, and I told her that very statement. I was talking about my own adoption experience. I wouldn't change for the world what happened in our lives to bring us to the decision to adopt. Adoption wasn't really on our radar before that. I know some people have felt led to adopt their whole lives. Even though I grew up next to a family that adopted two children, it was never something on my heart until I struggled with my own infertility. If you haven't read my story and care to, you can read about it in part one and part two of my struggle. I know that God brought us to adoption through our circumstances--no other way around it! And I'm so thankful that he did.

You see, Liza-Hill is amazing. She has blessed our family in countless way. She also is a blessing to most everyone else that she is around. She's energetic and silly. She's self confident and knows what she wants. She loves to make people happy, and she makes a friend everywhere she goes to prove it! She has no time for school because she's constantly FaceTiming her plethora of friends. And best of all, she has an amazing heart for Jesus, and if you ask her to pray for you, you can bet she will! Adoption has been a beautiful thing in our life. Everyday I see it. I see it in her smile, hear it in her laugh, watch it in action as she dances around a room. She shines light everywhere she goes. She is love incarnate!

So how is adoption hard and messy in our house? We have a pretty easy time of it. No language barriers, no cultural differences, no past to be reminded of or work through. But I'll tell you, as wonderful as Liza-Hill is, she is still human. She is still mean to her sisters sometimes. She is still disrespectful as times. She still does plenty of things that require discipline on our part as parents. And I'm telling you what, not one time of discipling her has ever happened that it didn't cross my mind,

"Is she going to hold this against me?"

Is she going to feel like this isn't my job? Is she going to think, "If I was with my birth mom, she wouldn't be doing this." Is she thinking, "She's only doing this because I'm adopted"? And dreading the day that everyone says is coming, the day that she looks me in the eyes and shouts, "You're not my REAL mom!"

Liza-Hill has been talking about finding her birth parents for years. I know she doesn't do this to hurt me. She has no idea how it turns the knife in my heart each time she says it. I know that my daughter is a people person. She would absolutely die if she couldn't be around people. So having that unknown about her birth parents in her life is a hard thing. I don't blame her, and it's not like I don't understand. I just know what's very likely going to happen from there.

I hear stories quite often of happy reunions--birth mothers and their biological children. I don't hear them as often about birth fathers, but I met Liza-Hill's birth father. I'm sure he's going to be just as excited to see her as she is him. She has his personality through and through. I hear of kids who were placed for adoption going on vacation with their birth mothers (and their family.) They spend time together at family reunions or other important events.  I always hear these stories in a wonderful, positive light. And to the people telling them, they are a wonderful thing.

But as I hear these stories, my throat closes a little, my eyes fight to hold back tears, and I paste on a happy *oh-that's-so-great* smile as that knife in my heart turns a little more. And I think, "What about the adoptive parents? Where are they in all of this? What about the years of love, sweat and tears they poured into raising this child?"

I'm trying to prepare myself for that day in my life. Even more than hearing the horrible, "You're not my REAL mom," I am dreading that day. That day when she turns 21 and begins her quest, that she will not end until her goal is met, to find the parents who gave her life, the ones who brought her into this world and into my arms. I know her. I know her inside and out. And I know that she will have to do this. I won't stop her. It's who she is. She will have to know them. She will have to seek out her blood sister as well, the one that her birth mom placed for adoption two years before she was born. She will do this because they are a part of her, and she needs them.

I would never deny them the blessing of knowing my sweet Liza-Hill. They made that unselfish choice to give her to me so many years ago, and I will be forever grateful. No, I would not try to keep her from them or them from her. She WILL make their lives better, happier, fuller.

It's times like these, when I get so overwhelmed with the thought of having to share her one day, that I have to remember that none of my children "belong" to me. They belong to Jesus. I have no idea what could happen to any of them even tomorrow. I trust in my Savior for the care of all of them, and I must do the same for Liza-Hill. I must share her one day. I know that.

My prayer is that while it will be exciting for her one day to meet her birth family, she will always remember my snuggles, my tickles, my back rubs, my songs, my silliness, my words, my time and my tears. That may be selfish of me, but I really don't care. :) She will always be mine even if I have to share her a little bit, and I pray for the grace to do that well.

Be Disappointed!!

This morning as I was getting ready in my bathroom, Cama-Jane walked in and complained, "Netflix isn't working again!" I said, "I'm sorry." She repeated herself, this time a little more whiny and demanding, "Netflix isn't WORKING!" Once again I said, "I'm sorry," and added, "I can't fix it." She raised her voice another couple of octaves and emphatically yelled, "NETFLIX ISN'T WORKING!!!" I stopped what I was doing, looked at her, and once again said, "I'm sorry. I can't fix it. What do you want me to do??" With furrowed brows and fists clenched tightly, she stomped her foot, looked up at me and loudly squeaked, "Be disappointed!"

Ahhhh, be disappointed....

Isn't that just what we all want sometimes? Someone to just be disappointed with us? Someone to feel some sympathy? Wallow in our pain for a bit? This is what husbands are usually so bad at!! We tell them a problem, and they want to fix it, and they think that's what we're wanting too! (Just like I assumed CJ wanted me to.) Sometimes, just like my daughter, we know there's nothing that can be done as a "quick fix." We just have to wait it out, but in the meantime it's nice to have someone down in the pit just to understand, just to sympathize, just to be disappointed with you! 

(Don't get me wrong. I'm not bashing husbands!! No, this is not a place for that. They are awesome when we really need the answers to "how to fix it!!" But that's for another day.)

I think Jesus understood this. In Matthew 28:11 he says, "Come to me, all who are weak and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Could Jesus fix our problems?? Of course he could. It's kind of his specialty! But that's not the help he offers here. He just says, I know you need someone to rest in. You are tired. You are weary. Life stinks right now. I'll take your disappointments, ease them, and give you a glimpse of eternity where they won't matter anymore!" 

Do I think Jesus wants us to wallow in self pity or guilt or sorrow? No!! He offers more than just a listening ear. He may not give a solution right away, but he gives something even better. He gives us the gift of rest. He offers to take it all away. He takes away the worry, and he replaces it with peace of mind. He gives us the option of an anxiety free life! That's way better than just "being disappointed" with us!

So the next time you have a friend who just needs you to listen to their problems, sympathize with them and "be disappointed," go ahead a wallow a little bit--because all women need a little understanding. Then point them to Jesus. Remind them that He can take their burdens. Whisper to them the truths of our great God. He has not forgotten them. And maybe Jesus will use you to help them get a glimpse of eternity, of the glorious future that is laid before us as children of the one true King. 

Benefits of beets, beet juice and beet kvass

I'm writing this post to further continue my last post that contained the beet kvass recipe. I didn't have time to explain the benefits of beets and lacto-fermentation. But I wanted to do that because beets are amazing little roots with so many health benefits. Many people think they don't like beets, but I wonder how many of those people haven't even tried them as adults!! And maybe once you find out all the nutrition in them, you may be less reluctant to "develop a taste." And, selfishly, I'm hoping to convince my husband to drink the kvass I've got brewing!! :)

Beets are pure medicine for the blood! They are a blood cleanser and blood alkalizer. They lower blood pressure and decrease the risk of blood clots because they are converted to nitric acid in the body which works as a vasodilator. This means they actually help blood vessels open allowing blood and oxygen to flow more smoothly! Pretty impressive, I'd say!

Beets are also a liver cleanser--a perfect tonic, you might say. Beet Kvass is a good treatment for kidney stones.

Our family has enjoyed beets for years. Well, enjoyed may be too strong of a words for the other members of my family. They have eaten them, but I definitely enjoy them!! I love to add them to my juicing regiment as well.

But when I recently learned about beet kvass and the lacto-fermentation of beets, I was intrigued. I know that fermented food acts as strong probiotics to produce good gut flora--which is essential to a healthy lifestyle.

"Professor Zabel observed that sick people always lack digestive juices, not only during the acute phase of their illness but also for a longtime afterwards. In addition, he never saw a cancer victim that had a healthy intestinal flora....Thus, the different lacto-fermented foods are a valuable aid to the cancer patient. They are rich in vitamins and minerals and contain as well enzymes that cancer patients lack." ~~Annelies Schoneck Des Crudites Toute L'Annee  (Excerpt taken from Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon.)

Beet juice also contains quercetin, resveratrol, and other powerful antioxidants. Quercetin has been linked to supporting the immune system, clearing excess congestion, supporting bone health, and may aid in fighting mild allergy problems. My oldest son takes quercetin quite often during different times of the year. Quercetin and resveratrol are both polyphenols. Many scientists have realized that polyphenols are among the most effective natural agents for helping to prevent some of the chronic diseases of aging, including cardiovascular disease and neurodegenerative diseases—and perhaps for helping to slow the aging process itself.

So, after all of that, tell me you're not willing to even try it??? Come on! What do you have to lose? It's some pretty powerful stuff. You are what you eat, remember? People don't say that so much anymore, but it's still just as true! 

*The difference between lacto-fermentation and regular fermentation is that lacto-fermenation produces lactic acid; whereas regular fermentation produces alcohol.*

Beet Kvass:My first batch

I recently found a recipe for beet kvass--a fermented beet drink. I'm so excited about this as beets have so much nutrition and tons of vitamins. To see the benefits of beets, fermentation and beet kvass, see this post.

Recipe:
2 quart jar with lid
3 medium beets, peeled and coarsely chopped
2 tsp of sea salt
2 tsp of whey (or just double the salt instead of using whey)
1 lemon sliced
Chopped ginger
Filtered water

Put all ingredients into jar and fill with filtered water. Leave on counter for at least 2 days. Longer for more fermentation. I'm planning to leave 2 days and test. But probably will leave 3. After you've got it like you want it, put it in the frige.

The original recipe I saw didn't have ginger or lemons. Someone suggested those. I was going to add tumeric as well. I thought I had some but I didn't.

The beet greens I'm looking forward to juicing when my juicer comes Monday!!! (Hopefully Monday!!)

Miscarriage and the hurts of life

No one was more surprised than me. No one.

As I watched that little blue line appear and get darker and darker, a feeling of complete disbelief washed over me. My heart beat faster, my breathing increased, and tears sprang to my eyes. My entire body was frozen and time stood still.

*How could this happen?*

I do know the answer to that. Believe me, I do. I know many people think it's cute and funny to ask parents of large families if they know "how this happens" but it's not original, and it gets old after awhile. So there. I'm just sayin'....

But in that moment in time I did wonder *how could this happen to us?*

We had been resolute in our decision not to have any more biological children and were taking the necessary steps to prevent that. So the question again....

I immediately shared my new surprise information with a trusted old friend. I just needed to have the confirmation that yes, this was a blessing! Of course I knew it was, but it always helps to hear it from someone else as well.

I knew what Jon's reaction would be so I waited to tell him. We were planning a trip to get away--just the two of us--for three days. I prepared to tell him then so that he would have plenty of time away from the stress of reality and every day life to let this news sink in.

In the meantime, my excitement grew. I had gotten rid of all my baby clothes, maternity clothes, baby "stuff" of all kinds. So I began to steal glances at all the tiny things I saw. Thoughts of "wearing" my baby again, as I always do when my babies are small, made me smile. Memories of my nose in soft, squishy, baby smelling necks washed over me and along with those came the anticipation of another precious bundle to hold and cuddle and enjoy. I knew my kids were going to be thrilled. And I knew that they were going to give this baby as much love and snuggle time as I was!!

Yes, this was a gift from heaven. An unplanned and unexpected gift. And I couldn't be happier.

Jon's reaction was about what I expected, but soon he too was excited at the prospect of another little blessing around here. The kids were over the moon and my girls went to sleep every night with thoughts of snuggling and cuddling and rocking their new baby dancing through their dreams. Everyone began making plans and thinking about sharing their room with the baby. Offers came from all the children, and each had their own idea of how to rearrange their furniture to "fit" this new addition.

And then the unexpected happened. My body seemed to be a pregnancy machine, well oiled and working. Somehow it didn't seem like the "odds" would catch up with me. But they did. 1 in 5 babies are miscarried. All of a sudden I was another statistic sitting in an Emergency Room talking with an OB whom I had never met. He was a compassionate man in his late 50's/ early 60's. Even after that many years of talking about miscarriage, he had tears in his eyes as he told me that this baby, this unexpected blessing, this unknown dream would never have life on this earth.

Over the few weeks before I had spent countless amounts of time praying for this baby, giving this baby over to God, acknowledging that Jesus held her* in his hands. I felt like I heard God over and over whispering two words.

"Trust Me."

But I've known Jesus for a long time, you see. And I know that when God says, "Trust Me" that doesn't always mean things are going to turn out like I want them to. But what I do know is that I can trust him. I can trust him because He does, in fact, hold everything in his hands. The old Spiritual song "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" is one of the truest, simplest doctrines there is. And because of that, because he really does have the whole world in his hands, I can trust him.

Yes, I have cried and I have hurt. I won't deny that. My children have cried and hurt as well. And even my practical husband, who didn't know how we could make this happen when I first told him, got his world rocked that day in the hospital. My baby that I already had so many plans for was gone.

I found myself not wanting to see anyone or respond to texts or messages or email. I appreciated every one of them immensely. I felt the body of Christ in a huge way. I felt loved in a way that I hadn't before. And that was wonderful. But I just wanted to cocoon up with my "little" family and mourn. I needed to be with my children. I needed to cry with my husband. And I did those things.

I can't claim to know how every woman who has had a miscarriage feels. Over the few days after it happened when I saw a pregnant woman or a new baby, my heart was sad thinking about "what could've been" over the next few months. But I've had that before. I've had five wonderful pregnancies and six beautiful, healthy children. Who am I to ask for more? My heart ached for the women who experience this and yet have no children to comfort them as they mourn, no little voices to fill the empty void with the sound of the word, "Mommy." I can't even begin to comprehend.

I came into this hard experience from a place of fullness. To say my life is full is almost an understatement. I love my life. I love what I do. I was made to be a mommy--God confirms that in me over and over. So even though this was hard, I have had so many people praying for me, loving me through this, speaking words of encouragement and faith into my life. I have had my strong husband who was softened by this experience. I have had my precious children who have spoken their hurts, cried when they needed to and asked the hard questions. And I have had sweet friends who expected nothing from me and let me be me--crying when I needed to and also laughing as well.

No, I can't claim to understand other people's pain. I can't even fathom the feelings of the woman who finds out she will never have a baby come forth from her womb.  I can't claim to understand the pain of the woman who continues to lose baby after baby from her body and struggles with thoughts that her body has failed her. And I can't imagine being the woman who watches the life slowly drain out of the body of her beloved child and wonders how she herself will ever take another breath without willing it to happen.

I have known all of these women. They are strong, beautiful women who have known the pain and the hurt that this life can bring. They've felt first hand the affects of sin on this world in a tangible way. But all of these women that I've known have also known Jesus. I may not have responded to them in the right way. I may not have known the right words. I may not have even said anything. But I know that Jesus has gotten all of them through it. And I know that even though my sadness is real, it can never compare to what so many people in this world endure.

My family knows an exciting truth. We know that one day we will see our little "Emmy," the child conceived in my womb who some would refer to as a "genetic mishap." My precious little girls have drawn pictures of the day that they will meet her. And even though it's brought floods of tears from me, it is healing for them as they anticipate that day. But even greater than that, on that day we will see our Savior and all the hurt and all the pain of this world will be erased. What a beautiful promise to look forward to as we serve our Sovereign God today.

*We did not know the sex of the baby for sure, but I felt just like I did when I was pregnant with the girls. My pregnancies have been very distinctly different betweens boys and girls so we have assumed this was a girl and named appropriately.*

When Facebook sucks

Over the years I've loved Facebook. It's been a way for me to keep in touch with my friends that I've moved away from or who have moved away from me throughout the years of my life. I've reconnected and rekindled relationships and formed new ones as well. Facebook can also be a great tool for spreading good news!! I've used it myself for that a few times.

But now I'm learning that it sucks when that good news turns to bad news, and you've shared it with all of your 800 or something friends. Yes, you can probably guess, we found out yesterday that we lost this precious baby. Without going into detail, I'll just tell you that (as you can imagine) our hearts are heavy and our emotions are raw. Our kids are dealing with this on a different level--the level of a child. They are all dealing in their own way, but they are grieving. My sweet Shepley cried for hours last night, as I knew she would. LH and Breck cried as well, but they bounced back faster. CJ just had lots of questions. Her five year old mind just can't quite comprehend this. She keeps saying, "I wish the baby was still in your tummy." *So do I, baby girl, so do I*

Jon and I are crushed as well. We had really gotten excited about the idea of another baby around here and seven children. It just seemed right and natural for us. It's one of those things that we just don't always know the answers to, and yet we know that it's all in the hands of our Savior.

We appreciate all of the texts and emails already from people who knew Friday that I was starting this and yesterday as we found out really what was happening. We know we are loved, and that's about the most important thing right now. Shepley told me she didn't want to go anywhere for a long time or see anyone. I told her I understood exactly how she felt.

I think Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to feel a little bit empty this year. I was so excited to think about having a brand new baby for the holidays. How fun that would be!! But those were not the plans for us.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."  ~Job 1:21 

The Journey Continues

So a couple of weeks ago, I posted about the journey of life. Things have kind of been on hold here for a little bit while I've been processing this next step in our journey as a family.

You may also remember if you read my new year's blog that I listed a lot of things that I had "learned" during 2012. Don't ever do that. Especially with something that you really don't have control over!!

One of those statements was "I'm done having biological children" and another was "I'm too old to have a 2 year old."

Well, God is saying, "Oh no, honey! Negative to both of those statements!!"

Yes, you read that right. We are having another baby. Baby Richards #7 is due sometime around the beginning of November 2013. And I'm so happy! :)

In my last blog post, I talked about how each of us was called to "take up our [own] cross" and to deny ourselves. Admittedly, I did feel this way in the beginning. It was quite a shock for me to process when I'm turning 40 in September to think that once again, I'm starting over. Cedar has been such a rambunctious ball of joy (and I say that with ALL sincerity) that it was hard for me to think about going through this 2-3 age again in three years!! But the same God who parted the Red Sea and the same God who raised Lazarus from the dead is the same God who will sustain this 40-something year old body through toddlerhood and my 50-something year old body through the teenage years. And he's the same God that will sustain me through 30+ straight years of homeschooling.

In the couple of weeks that I've had to process this news, God has taken me all over the place. But the place where he's always got me is right in the middle of his plan--his sovereign, gracious plan that he has promised is to give me a "hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) I can rest in the knowledge that my Savior has it all planned out, and this baby is not a footnote or a surprise to him. This life was planned out and known before the foundation of the world. And even as He is knitting this precious one together, the days of his life are already formed and written in His book. (Psalm 139:16.)

What an awesome Savior we serve! I am in awe of his graciousness to me--to give me yet another chance to give life to an eternal soul. What a privilege we have as women to grow life in our womb and bring it forth for his glory.

My children are thrilled. They couldn't be happier to share their lives with another blessing. I'm also blessed to have parents and in-laws and family members who are happy for us. I know that this isn't always so with big families.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where this baby's clothes will go or anything else. I know he/she will sleep with us for the first few months. After that, I can't tell ya what's going to happen!! :) I have no more maternity clothes, no infant car seat, no high chair or bumbo, no baby swing or exersaucer. Ha ha!!

But I do know that there will be plenty of arms to hold this baby, lips to kiss it all over, and love to smother it with. And I know that this mama and daddy are very ready and excited to welcome another precious gift of life and love into our already "very full" world!!

Thank you, Jesus!

The Journey

If I have learned anything in these last few years it's that life is a real journey. Sometimes the journey is easy and light and fun! The Disneyworld vacation time of life!! Other times we trudge through muck and mud and all the yuckiness that goes with it. And then there are the dry desert times.

Through all of these times of our life we learn. Some learn better than others. That doesn't necessarily mean the rest of the journey is easier. It usually just means you can enjoy it more. Learning not only to "live through" but actually "find joy in" life's hard times is a gift--one that we should all seek to find.

I believe one way we find joy in the hard times is truly surrendering ourselves to God's will for our lives. I've got some stuff going on right now that I can't talk about yet, and he is teaching me volumes about surrendering to his will and what that truly means.

About a year ago I blogged about a song that meant a lot to me. It's by Sidewalk Prophets. It's called "You can have me." I'm going to put the lyrics here again because they hit so close to home for me right now.

"If I saw you on the street, and you said, 'Come and follow me,'

But I had to give up everything--all I once held dear and all of my dreams.

Would I love you enough to let go?

Or would my love run dry when you asked for my life?

When did love become unmoving?

When did love become unconsuming?

Forgetting what the world has told me.

Father of Love, you can have me.

You can have me.

If you're all you claim to be then I'm not losing anything.

So I will crawl upon my knees just to know the joy of suffering. 

I will love you enough to let go.

Lord, I give you my life. I give you my life!!

When did love become unmoving?

When did love become unconsuming?

Forgetting what the world has told me.

Father of Love, you can have me.

You can me.

I wanna be where you are.

I'm running into your arms.

And I will never look back

So, Jesus, here is my heart!

When did love become unmoving?

When did love become unconsuming?

Forgetting what the world has told me.

Father of Love, you can have me.

My Father, my Love, you can have me."

~Sidewalk Prophets

"You can have me"

These Simple Truths (album)

As I'm struggling through something right now, this spoke in a huge way to me yesterday. This is one of those songs that you can sing along to no big deal--until something happens and God is really asking you to give him your everything. We THINK we give him everything all the time. Then when he really asks, we see how much we hold back.

He's been teaching me that everyone has their own cross to bear in this life, and that they are all different. My cross doesn't look like anyone else's. Sometimes other people's look like styrofoam compared to mine. But then it's not too hard to look around and see others struggling to even stand or crawl under the weight of theirs. It's not for me to judge or tell God what cross I want. He only tells us "Take up your cross and follow me." (Luke 9:23) Right before he says that, he tells us to deny ourselves. That's part of it. 

Denying ourselves can mean so many things. For some, it may mean physically denying food or comforts. For others it may mean denying the easy life. It's as individual as knowing what stands in the way between us and God (our idols) and denying ourselves those things so that we can walk more closely with him and look more like him. Sometimes he sends things into our lives to "help" us deny ourselves a little more. Those things can be tough to take. 

But even though I'm learning what it means to deny myself right now, to take up my cross, to follow him daily--I'm choosing joy in the journey. And when I'm able to share what's going on in my life right now, it will be with a joyful heart that has hopefully comes to grips with what it's going to take to continue to follow my Jesus unabashedly!

Homemade tortillas and hummus

Okay, yum! For real. I decided the other day that I needed to make more use of my dehydrator so I came up with a tortilla recipe. Yes, all by myself. (I'm a little proud because it was so good!) Here's the recipe if you're interested.

Yellow pepper quinoa tortillas:

2 cups cooked quinoa
2 yellow peppers cut into strips
1/4 cup chia seeds
Sea salt and fresh ground pepper to taste

I halfed the recipe and put half of it in the food processor at a time until the yellow pepper is all mixed in. Spread thinly over paraflex sheets or parchment paper and put in dehydrator at 135 degrees for 3 1/2 hours. I wanted to try with red peppers but I only had one.

One of the tortillas was a little crunchy (probably a little thin) so I broke it up into chips and ate it with salsa!!

Then I made zucchini hummus today. If you've never made it, here's the recipe I use:

Raw Zucchini Hummus Recipe

For this recipe you will need:

Vita-mix (I think it works best for this recipe)
3-4 medium zucchini’s
1/4 c olive oil
1/4 c lemon juice
1/2 c + 2 T of raw organic tahini
1.5 t salt
2 t cumin
4 cloves of garlic
Paprika to garnish

Cut up zucchini and blend them first then add everything else.

So for lunch I was so excited to try my creation!! I thickly spread the hummus over a tortilla, added tomatoes, lettuce and turkey. It was so flavorful. Better than I even expected!!!

Ash Wednesday and the Lenten season

What is Lent? This is a question that I had never really thought about before we moved to Knoxville. I mean, I knew that people gave something up, but I really thought it was only something Catholics did. Now that we are at a church that adheres pretty strongly to the church calendar, I'm learning so much.

Today is Ash Wednesday and tonight our family will attend a service with the "imposition of ashes" which means we will get ashes on our foreheads. The kids remember this from last year, and as we were discussing Lent and Ash Wednesday last night around the dinner table, they had different opinions for sure. I have one who is really excited about it (not sure that that's exactly the right response.) And I have one that said they did not like it at all and asked if they had to even do it (not sure that's the right response either!) But I'm glad they are honest. It gives us a chance to talk and through it all the love and grace of Jesus shines through. And that's what this season is all about--pointing to Jesus.

At the Ash Wednesday service, when the pastors put the ashes on your forehead (many times in the form of a cross) they will usually quote: 

“You are dust, and to dust you shall return” (Gen 3:19)

This is a reminder of our humanness, our mortality, and of course our sinfulness. That is the bad news--we are sinful, to the core. Original sin and all that, you know?? But the reason we need to be reminded of our humanity and sinfulness is to make the good news even better! The good news comes after the Lenten season is over--Jesus is Risen! Sin and death have been conquered!! Now that is good news!

Ash Wednesday starts the 40 day Lenten period. This period does not include Sundays--which still remained the "Feast Days" in the early church. The 40 days is symbolic of the time that Jesus spent in the wilderness before he began his "official" ministry. During that time, Jesus was tempted by Satan many times. He fasted and prayed, and was probably at his weakest point physically (besides being beaten and hung on a cross) in his life. And yet, even though he was fully man, he never gave into temptation.

Some celebrate these 40 days by 'giving up something.' It is a little reminder of all that Jesus gave up for us. It is a time to open up more of our life to let Jesus have more of it. Some people give up things like sugar or soft drinks or cigarettes or alcohol. And while I'm not knocking those things to give up, your life would be better anyway if you gave those up permanently. But maybe we should look a little deeper to give up something that takes our time from focusing on the work of Christ? I know that there are many things in my life that do that! And it's not food.

Last night around the dinner table we encouraged all of the kids to think of something they'd like to give up. Yes, one still said "soft drinks." Okay, fine. Shepley remembered that last year she gave up "art." She made the statement that she forgot a couple of times and did it. She said, "It was just so hard!" What a great point! That's exactly it!! We CAN'T do it. We can't keep our Lenten promises fully. Even if stay away completely from what we said we weren't going to do, we must question our motives. Does keeping it perfectly bring up feelings of pride in us? Are we working in our own strength to keep them? Are we making what we 'give up' the focus? The bad motives go on and on. And that is the point!! We can't keep the law. We never could.

That's why God sent his Son.

And that's what Lent is about--a reminder that we can't keep the law. The law can't and never could save us. All the law can do is remind us of our sinfulness and utter hopelessness....

And point us to Jesus!

We culminate the Lenten season in Holy week which starts on Palm Sunday. We celebrate King Jesus. We see his triumphant entry into Jerusalem, and then we see our King lay down his life willingly so that we don't have to live under law anymore. We are FREE! What a joyous celebration we should have!

So this year, give Lent some thought. Talk about it with your family. Get some discussion going. We are going to start reading the Jesus Storybook Bible tonight. Even though it's geared for young children, it's a wonderful picture of how the entire Bible is redemptively pointing to Jesus. And it's great for any age! Because we all must be as little children, remember?

We also use our church band's album when we worship during Lent and Easter. You can buy it at itunes, and I can promise you won't be disappointed. My kids love listening to this, and it's truly the best album for this season that I've ever heard. I can't figure out how to link the album from itunes here because itunes doesn't have a web address. But the album is called "Rise O Buried Lord" by Redeemer Knoxville. Check it out today!!

Broiled Sole with buttery sauce

I should've taken a picture of the fish! I'm so bad about that!! But I didn't. So I'll just have to tell you what I did with it! :) I bought frozen sole (wild caught) from Trader Joe's. It was quite inexpensive, and I'm trusting that it was wild caught like it claimed!! Next time I'll buy two packs. It was just enough for our family with one, but I'm sure my husband and oldest would've eaten plenty more if given the chance! Plus, Cedar didn't eat tonight because he was sick.

So here's what I did. It was simple and fast and turned out really yummy!

1 pkg. frozen wild caught or fresh wild caught sole (or other mild white fish)--a little over a pound.
4 Tbsp. butter
1/2 cup white wine
juice of one lemon
thyme to taste
Melt butter and whisk last four ingredients together for sauce.

Line pan with raised sides with aluminum foil. Place fish (fresh or defrosted) over foil. Pour buttery sauce over fish. Place in broiler for 10-12 minutes or until fish is flaky.

Perfectly light, yummy and healthy!

Helpful Kids

Okay. I don't think I'm one of those moms who brags on her kids a lot--probably because they don't give me tons of opportunities!! Ha ha!! Not saying they aren't great kids, but they are KIDS and I tend to be one to not wear rose colored glasses when it comes to them. They are sinners saved by grace in need of their Savior everyday--just like the rest of us.

But today was a tough day. UGH! Cama-Jane started throwing up on Monday. This is the second time in three weeks. Oh yes. That's right. And it hit harder this time. Last time was less than five times of vomiting (yes, I know that may be TMI, but it's my blog) and then it was done. One day and over. Cedar had it first, then Cama-Jane, then Shepley and we were done. Five days. Over.

So when Cama-Jane started again on Monday, I was none too happy about it, but I thought, *We can do this.* But it wasn't quite as easy this time. She vomited several times more and then had a fever the whole next day. Not nearly as easy. But by Thursday morning when no one else had gotten it, I thought we were in the clear. So we set off to the kids co-op, where I volunteered in the nursery. Yes, that's right. Cedar too. I'm sure there are some who are reading this that are cringing!!! But I really thought we were okay!!!

As soon as we walked in the door Thursday afternoon, he puked. Yep, everywhere! I was exhausted already from weeks (and even months) of not sleeping well because of my girls. (It all seemed to catch up to me when CJ got sick because she was up even more.) And I knew that my night was going to be bad. And it was!! Poor Cedar threw up over 20 times through the evening and night and even a couple of times today. He's been so pitiful today. He's had a fever and slept on the couch all afternoon--most of the time on top of me. He hasn't wanted to let go. So my kids stepped up to the plate!!

Liza-Hill was amazing! She cleaned the whole kitchen and even scrubbed the sink. She served the little ones snacks all day and seemed to enjoy her domestic role. ;) Cama-Jane swept the hard wood floors and Breck helped her with the dust pan. Breck also cleaned up the living room, putting away everything that needed to be. Shepley cleaned up the school room after she finished some other things for me. (You may notice that Trand is sadly missing from the equation. He was sleeping.)

Then later in the day I had to go pick up something about 15 minutes away. I had gone into the store and come out when I got a text from Liza-Hill saying that that Cedar had thrown up again while I was gone!! PANIC!!! He doesn't do well when I'm not around. But she cleaned him up, put his blanket in the washer and got him back to sleep on the couch!! What a girl!

Makes a mom's heart happy to know that her kids are able to step in and help when it's needed!! We even managed to miraculously get some schoolwork done as well!! :) Just hoping that it somehow skips the rest of the family.....

This kind of a morning

It's 21 degrees outside with a high of 30 today. We're pretty much all in agreement of staying inside! I don't know how people get up and go to school on mornings like this!!!

Mommy Guilt--let's give it up!

I guess my last post struck a chord with lots of moms. I've had so many moms private message me to let me know their struggles and how my "confessions" encouraged them in their daily walks as mothers.

This has just solidified what we all know already. Moms are filled with GUILT! It's really so sad. I think this guilt has been even more built up in the last few years with the invention of the "Mom blogs" telling us how they (so it would seem) have it all together. It certainly leaves the rest of us feeling less than adequate in our mothering. Facebook certainly doesn't help either. Most people only post about the great things they've done as mothers--the fun crafts, the clean rooms, the inspirational happenings at home. Not too often do we want to post that we just totally yelled at our kid and made them cry. Um, no thank you. I'll just chalk that one up to the ones I keep to myself! (I'm just as guilty of this myself sometimes so I'm not pointing fingers!)

But "Mommy guilt" has been around since the beginning of time. It didn't take the internet to make it happen. I would be willing to be that when Cain killed Able, Eve blamed herself. I can just imagine that her conversation with herself went something like this:

"Oh if I had only taught Cain to love his brother better, this wouldn't have happened. If I had shared more of my story with him--helped him really understand what pride and self love can do, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe I gave Able more attention? Maybe I expected too much of Cain since he was the oldest? Maybe if I had spent less time helping Adam with the weeds (which were of course my fault as well).....Oh what could I have done differently to change this outcome?" 

Now we know how silly that is. The Bible clearly holds Cain responsible for his actions, but isn't this what we do all the time?  Every wrong decision our child makes, every sinful action, every act of defiance toward God we take on ourselves.

Yes, we've been instructed to teach our children to "love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and strength."  We have been instructed to "Impress [these things] on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." (Deut. 6:5,7-9) So, yeah, we've got stuff to do, right? We do play an active role in teaching our children about loving the Lord. If we don't, there aren't too many who will. And if they don't see it lived out at home, it won't make much difference who teaches it to them.

This is where the guilt comes in. We know we fail miserably at doing this!! Oh, when that first little bundle of joy comes along, some of us (maybe not all) were totally thinking we were going to get this right! We knew the way we were supposed to "train up a child" and we were committed to doing it. It probably didn't take most of us long to see that we didn't have any idea what we were doing! The parenting books didn't talk at all about what our child was doing, and our child was not responding the way the parenting books said they should! Teaching them to love the Lord? Oh man, we just wanted to teach them not hit their friends, throw a tantrum, spit at their teacher....whatever it was. We quickly saw that our children had hearts full of sin--just like us. 

You know, I really HATE the saying, "God never gives you more than you can handle." I think this is so untrue! God always gives us more than we can handle. If we only had what we could handle, why would we ever turn to him? He gives us exactly what it's going to take for us to realize that we can't handle life and run into his open, loving arms. Parenting does this for most of us--more often than not. Being responsible for a life (or two or three....) is hard stuff. Teaching them Bible truths, when sometimes our lives look far from what we are supposed to be modeling, is even harder stuff! We've got experts all over the place telling us a hundred different things to do. We do what we think is right for our child, and we still seem to fail. Yeah, it sucks sometimes! We can't handle it so we run to the only place of real refuge--Jesus' arms. And he says, "Yes, my child. You messed up. But my grace is sufficient for you. I will cover your mess ups. I love your children more than you could ever know how to love. I know their future and their deepest needs. I know them (and you) inside and out, and I am the only perfect parent. Let me take this burden from you. It's too heavy for you to handle." And so we rest. We rest until we decide to take up the reins once again because we think we can do it in our own strength, and the battle starts again.

If we would only learn. If we would only truly believe that "his power is made perfect in our weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9) If we would really boast in our weakness so that Christ's power could show through us, how much more encouraging could we be to others? When we see other moms who are struggling, we identify. When we see other moms who seem to have it all together, we shy away. We step back because we could never do it like her!

Jesus was gracious enough with me to show me with my first child that I did not know anything about this parenting stuff! Oh, that child has humbled me over and over and still continues to! He has been the single greatest source of sanctification in my life over the years. I'm so thankful that God didn't give me too long to wallow in self pride over having the perfect child! That was never allowed in my house! :) 

As for the guilt--we've got to drop it. We all know we're doing what we can with the knowledge we have and the children God gave us. We're all in different places on different journeys, but we share at least one common thing--motherhood. It's the greatest earthly calling each of us could have. But Jesus says give it to him! He has done it. It is finished. Our parenting failures are covered by his grace. Our screw ups and mess ups and ugliness are all covered. Jesus didn't die for us to continue wallowing in our sin and misery. Sister, give it up! Give it up to him! No guilt!! NO GUILT!! (I'm preaching to myself here as well, just so you know!)

I love moms! I do. I love young moms, old moms, moms to be, spiritual moms, and anyone else who falls into the category. My heart goes out for moms who carry the burden that they have to do it all. If this is you, please know that you don't! No one is expecting you to. And if they are, stay far away from that person. Claim your righteousness through Christ alone! You stand before the throne washed and clean and the perfect parent because God only sees Jesus when he looks at you if you've put your trust in him. 

So let's forge ahead. Let's start encouraging one another through our struggles. Let's start admitting when we are weak! Find a mom today and tell her how awesome she is just because she got up and loved her children this morning! And start loving yourself a little better because of the same reason! :)

Convictions

So if you read my post earlier this week, you know that I'm going through some "stuff" right now. It's not even something that I really know how to put into words. But after reading in King's Cross by Tim Keller this week that Jesus is both the "rest" and the "storm" juxtaposed, it made perfect sense in my life. He is definitely bringing the storm and starting to show me some of the reasons for that, but he also my perfect rest--the only place I will get rest.

After much prayer, talking with friends and soul searching, I felt the Holy Spirit yesterday really leading me to some places. The first place was my own selfishness. Surprise, surprise! I have been convicted over the last couple of weeks that I'm not nearly as self sacrificing with my youngest children as I was with my older ones at this age. Just because I've been doing this for 16 years is no excuse for giving up now! My little ones certainly can't help it that they were born in this birth order. I'm usually pretty patient with Cedar. It's my little girls that I get frustrated with.

And so it was on Sunday. I'm just going to be brutally honest here and hope that it helps someone!! I'm sick of reading blogs and feeling guilty about not being the moms and wives that they are. So I'm really hoping that someone will take read mine and go, "Hey, I'm not nearly as bad as her!" :)  So Sunday.....

You see in church, my 5 and 8 year old little girls always have to sit on either side of me before they leave for Children's Church. I used to NEVER send my kids to Children's Church past age 5, but Shepley changed all of that for me. I'm not nearly as self righteous as I used to be about that! ;) But my girls are not content just to sit beside me. Cama-Jane especially needs my attention constantly. She's loud and disruptive and, if truth be told, embarrasses me totally during church. (I know, I know. I'm wrong. Told you that you would feel good about yourself!) So Sunday we were singing some songs that I REALLY love and really needed to sing and worship. Cama-Jane just wouldn't leave me alone. So there I was, feeling all frustrated because I couldn't worship--yet again--the way I wanted. For years it's been this way. So Sunday I couldn't sing at all because my heart was so NOT in the right place. So I left. I left for many reasons but the main one being self-pity for sure.

I'm telling you, it's not pretty, people. Looking at my yucky, sinful, selfish heart. It's not pretty. Here I was blaming my hurt on my 5 year old. So all of y'all who think I'm a good mom, you'll have to go find another supermom to look at! Because you just lost this one! :)

For a few days I pondered this. I pondered my feelings of loneliness (that I do think are valid, but still lie in self pity) and I prayed. So yesterday the Holy Spirit showed me, oh so lovingly, that maybe my child was acting out of a need for time with me. That's hard to admit. Because that's what I do. I am with my kids all the time. But looking down deep, do I resent that? Do I resent that she is sometimes hard to take because she demands so much of me?

She is scared ALL THE TIME. She has always had this heart of fearfulness. I used to be very moved by this. I prayed for her all the time. I prayed with her. But as time has gone on, it has worn on me. She needs me to go to the bathroom with her every.single.time. She's 5 1/2 years old. I have six children. That is is tough thing. She's scared to go by herself. Is she manipulating me? I don't know. I really haven't known what to do. I do know that she has wet her pants (and the couch) before because I wasn't around to go with her. So there's got to be something there. She can't go up the stairs by herself either. I have to go with her if no one is up there. So lately, I think I've been resentful of how much time I spend doing things with her that seem ridiculous.

I have told Jon that if someone could be "loved to death" I would be dead--from Cama-Jane's love. She just can't get enough of me. She wants ME to put her to bed, read her books, etc. etc. every night. She never wants Jon to do it. She wants me every second of every day. So Sunday, I guess I just snapped.

But as I said, the Holy Spirit started working on my heart yesterday. He moved me toward her in a way I hadn't felt in awhile. After lunch, I went and sat with her on the couch where she was watching TV and I wrapped her up in my arms. She of course, joyfully succumbed to me and was in heaven just sitting with me. After her show was over, we turned off the TV, read books, sang songs and laughed together. I read her books before bed last night with a better attitude than I have in a long time. Today when I did her school work with her, I was much more intentional. I made time for more reading (which she is loving) and added a new book with her--just for her.

I've also felt very convicted of using a harsh tone with her. She seems to have a snapping tone towards everyone else. Hmmm, wonder where she gets that? So that's changing with me as well.

Jesus has turned my heart back towards my sweet Cama-Jane. Oh how I love that child! She has the sweetest heart. She's so quick to forgive. She loves her little brother so much. She encourages him in all that he does. She's an eager learner and wants to please.

So I don't know what God will dig out of me next. I'm sure it won't be pretty either!! But I'm so thankful that he can restore relationships and bind hearts together once more. I'm looking forward to better relationships with all my children in days to come. Hopefully they will see God getting the selfishness of this mama out of the way to clear the path of true and right relationships with them!!