Infertility: My Journey; God's Destination--Part II

If you haven't read "part I" do so first!

Around the same time that we got the news that the last round of artificial insemination didn't "work" we also found out that Jon lost his job. He had been working at a new business with some men that he really respected from our church, and they had gotten in a sticky spot (in other words, they lost all the money they put into it!) and there was no money left to pay employees. So we gave it two months. If he got another job, great. If not, we were moving to Naples.

Well, I guess you know how that turned out! So August 2000, we moved down to Naples--temporarily, of course! :) I never planned to be here this long. I wasn't happy about moving when we first started talking about it, but I really prayed that God would change my heart. He did. He not only made me "okay" with coming down, He actually got me excited about it.

As soon as we got here, I got a Bible Study going with some of the younger moms that I knew/had met. It is called Motherwise by Denise Glen. It is probably the best Bible Study that I've ever done on mothering and definitely what I needed at the time. I've done it three times, and I was just thinking recently I need to do it again! :) In the first video, Denise shares that she struggled with infertility as well. Of course that struck a chord. She talked about how she was consumed with it--hmmm, sounded familiar. So a Christian counselor told her that she needed to pray, "God, it's okay if I never have any children. All I want is you." To make a long story short, she did pray that prayer, and she had three kids. Okay, obviously a whole lot more went on there, but this isn't her story! :) But I felt a tug on my heart to pray that prayer. I was under no illusions. I knew that praying that prayer didn't assure me that I would have more children. After all (as everyone so kindly kept pointing out to me) I was already a mother to one.

I knew I really wanted to MEAN that prayer, but I knew I couldn't mean it just by praying it. So I began to pray it anyway, and I asked God to change my heart. I knew he was the only one who could make me mean it! I don't remember when I started praying that prayer, but I prayed it everyday--along with the part about asking God to help me mean it!! But I do remember the day, in September 2001 in my bathroom while drying my hair, when I finally meant it!! It just hit me. I knew that my life was his--totally and completely and that it really WAS okay if I never had another baby. I could honestly say all I wanted was Him!! I literally fell to my knees crying then got as prostrate as I could. You know there are only a few times in your life (well, in mine anyway) that you feel that close to God and completely in His presence.

I didn't expect to take a positive pregnancy test the next month. I didn't expect anything. I really just wanted Him!! Little did I know that at that time that for about a month He had been knitting together a Masterpiece perfectly fitted for our family in someone else's womb! I'm sure there are many reasons why she was born in someone else's womb and not my own, but I do know one!! Liza-Hill's birth mom came to know Christ through her relationship with Covenant Care and placing her baby for adoption. She shared that at one of their banquets, and I was thrilled to be able to share that with Liza-Hill when she was old enough to understand!!

So from September 2001 to March 2002, all was pretty quiet on the fertility front! :) I gave my testimony at our Women's Retreat at church, and I had faith that it wasn't complete yet. Although I continued to live by faith day in and day out that Jesus was all I needed.

Well, the rest of the story is history. I shared a bit of Liza-Hill's "birth story" the other day. She came to complete (or so we thought) our family in March 2002.

Six months later I thought I had a stomach bug. I threw up for three days and couldn't figure it out! Pregnancy didn't cross my mind, but out of the blue I thought to take a test. You can imagine my ultimate shock when that test showed positive!! "Elated" cannot begin to describe my emotions!!  I was about 7 weeks pregnant, and my baby had just turned six months old!! Breck was born in April 2003, 6 weeks after Liza-Hill's first birthday!!

A year later, almost to the day, another pregnancy test showed positive, and Shepley was born in January 2005--20 months later. It was at this time that I had three babies under three years old, and I prayed within five minutes of her birth for God to please give me 2 1/2 years before my next one! :)

2 1/2 years later--to the month--my sweet Cama-Jane was born. And almost three years after her, our precious Cedar made his entry!!

So out of the last nine years, there have only been 3 months that I haven't been pregnant or nursing!! And I've loved every minute of it (well, maybe there were 3 or 4 minutes that I didn't love!) :)

I know not every person who struggles with infertility ends up with this story. (They probably don't all want to end up with this story!!) :) But I'm so thankful that God chose to bless us over and over with His precious children. They are the only blessings (besides our salvation) that are eternal. They are the only things we can "take with us" when we go!! :)

As for my journey through infertility--well, I wouldn't have it any other way!! God knew exactly what I needed. He knew my heart. No, wanting to have a big family is not a bad thing. But He showed me that I wanted that more than I wanted Him. I was making my family an idol. ANYTHING that we want more than Him is idolatry and sinful. He loved me enough to make me get that out of my heart before giving me the desires of my heart. If he hadn't, I would have never known how to truly love him with my whole heart. He knew what it would take to break me--where my passions really ran deep. And He proved to me that if I can trust him with my family, I can trust him with anything--because if you know me, you know they are my heart!

Yes, he's had to "remind" me a few times! I don't live continually where I should be--completely in his presence. But I know what it's like to be there, and I don't ever want to stray too far!!