This story starts long ago--way before I ever met Jon. As a little girl and through my growing up years I always knew I wanted a big family. I don't know why! I never played with baby dolls or barbies. I didn't come from a big "immediate" family (although both of my parents were one of five.) But somewhere in my heart, God placed within me a desire to be a wife and mommy and make a career out of it! So that was my plan!
When I got pregnant the first time at 22 years old, it wasn't that difficult. Nine months later our sweet first born little boy was born, and I couldn't have been happier!! This was what I had always dreamed of. Everything was happening according to "plan."
Well, we never used birth control again, but somehow a year later then two years later, I wasn't pregnant again. We decided to go to the fertility doctor in Chattanooga (not the above mentioned Dr.) He put me on some fertility drugs for a few months, and those didn't work. Then I had to give myself shots everyday for awhile. During one week of the month I had to have some pretty major shots to I let a nurse friend of mine give them to me. Those hurt like crazy!! All these shots made my hormones do the craziest of things--which I shudder now to think about!! We tried two months of artificial insemination, and after those didn't work we decided to quit. We were young and poor!!
It was at this point that I was definitely at my lowest. I believed God had abandoned me. I questioned God over and over about how he could do this to me if he loved me. My claim was that all I ever wanted was to have lots of children to raise for him. How could that be a bad thing?? I couldn't get my brain around it. I had someone point out to me Romans 8:28, that "all things work together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose." While I believe that this verse is completely correct, let me tell you that it is not the verse to quote to someone who is hurting. They will figure it out on their own all in good time!
For about two weeks, I truly questioned God's existence and goodness. (I know my mom is going to fall over that I'm actually writing that and admitting those feelings!!) :) But it's the truth. Jon was quite scared that lightning was going to strike me down. But God had other ideas in mind of how to get my attention.
We were living in Lookout Mtn., GA at the time, and it was spring--my favorite season there. I remember it just like it was yesterday. I was driving down the mountain noticing the stark difference between the gorgeous blue sky and the newly bloomed deep green leaves on the trees. Out of nowhere it came--caught me completely off guard. I heard it in my heart, but it was as clear as if someone had screamed it in my ear--"Who do you think made this?" Well, I'm not stupid. I know that there's no way this amazing creation could come from nothing. And as soon as I heard that question, I heard another--"Who do you think made you?" Ah, that was the question that deserved an answer. And I knew the answer. I had always known. But as I thought about what I really believed I knew there was no way I could believe that this creation, these creatures, complicated human beings could just evolve from nothing into the mystery that astounds even the most brilliant scientists. I knew God was real. And I knew he made me. And I knew if God existed, he was good, and that's what I had to believe by faith.
God took me home and took me straight to the book of Job. I read it all the way through that day. As I got to the end, God gave me quite a pounding with
"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
Tell me, if you have understanding." (Job 38:4)
and
"Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place," (Job 38:12)
You get my drift here. Read the last few chapters of Job starting at chapter 38 if you aren't familiar with it. It will put you in your place if you are questioning God about anything going on in your life!! :) On and on I read, and more and more I understood that this was not in my hands. This situation was in the hands of the God of the Universe. I didn't understand it, but it wasn't time for me to yet. And I've learned through the years that we never understand it while we're in the fire! It's only on the other side that we are able to see the "why" (even if he allows us to at that point!) So I had to be content to wait. I'm not really good at that!!
At this point Trand was 3 years old, and I seriously thought that having children this far apart was just about the worst thing that could happen!! Jon and I both felt God leading us toward adoption. We knew we didn't want to go into debt with fertility treatments that could lead nowhere, and we knew that there was a baby out there that God planned for us and our family. So we started looking at agencies.
We chose Covenant Care in Macon, GA mainly because I had grown up in the same church as the director there so we had a connection. We started the process, but in the meantime we had moved to FL. We also (for some reason) made a visit to the afore mentioned fertility doctor who told us we had a 2% chance of ever conceiving again! Ha!!
Over the course of the fourteen months span between our initial decision to go with Covenant Care and the day we got our little girl, God grew me up! He did a number on my heart that could only have been done through infertility. I know that now. I know that that was the ONLY way to get where he needed to get in my life. So I will post Part II of my story very soon, but now I need to get to bed!!
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