Election 2016

For my own sanity, this will be the last thing I post about the election. And I'm going to TRY not to comment on anyone else's election posts. We'll see. I was gathering my thoughts about the election, and it somehow became a blog post in my head. Ever since 1992, my first election in which I ever voted, I've heard every four years that it was the "most important election in our country's history." America would fall apart if a democrat got into office. Well, that year, Bill Clinton won the election. I remember the fear and apprehension I felt when I learned the results. Afraid for my future and for the future of any children that I might have, I couldn't even fathom how there could be people out there who voted for those Democrats! When Obama got into office, I was told that he was going to turn America into a third world country. Literally. For real, people. Third world country. I was terrified again. The only sane voice I heard was my rock of a husband telling me that it would, indeed, be okay. I admit, I questioned his sanity, but thank God he stuck with me! 
I've voted out of fear. I've voted for people just to vote against someone else. I've bought into the hype, the hysteria, the insecurity that I've been told I need to feel. When I look back over this, I am sad and disappointed. Because most of the people who were telling me these things were people who should've been saying, "God is in charge. God is in control. God is our rock and our fortress. We can trust him." But I'm seeing the same thing again this election year. The pastors that are proclaiming that this is the one that's going to change it all. And I'm sure some of you will try to convince me that this year really is different. One thing I know is that I serve a sovereign God, who appoints kings to their thrones. He knows the plans he has for us. He holds the whole world in his hands.
"God is our refuge and strength, a very present help in trouble. Therefore we will not fear though the earth gives way, though the mountains be moved into the heart of the sea, though its waters roar and foam, though the mountains tremble at its swelling.....Be still and know that I am God. I will be exalted among the nations, I will be exalted in the earth!" Psalm 46 1-3; 10-11

Y'all, we can trust him even if the mountains are falling into the ocean!!! Do you know what kinda scary that would be?? Just think about it!! But we can trust him even then. Why?? Because HE IS IN CONTROL. He has the plans all written out. Not one thing can happen in my life, in your life, in the life of America or the world without his direction! Why wouldn't I trust him?? If I really believe that book that he wrote for me, why in the world would I be anxious right now? No matter who gets elected, he is still on the throne. He commands me not to be anxious. He tells me not to worry. He tells me that he will take care of tomorrow.

I will vote. I will vote my conscience. I will not vote AGAINST anyone. I will vote FOR someone. It will not be for either of the two major party candidates. I will vote knowing that my chosen candidate will not win, but I will sleep at night knowing that I didn't vote for any candidate that doesn't live by the character that I wouldn't want my children to emulate. I will vote with enthusiasm in my local elections. I will do what I can to change our country, starting with my own city. I'm proud that our governor said that TN would take Syrian immigrants because I believe that's what Jesus would do. I want to work with the immigration ministry in Knoxville to help these scared foreigners feel loved, welcomed and taken care of. I want to work towards racial reconciliation and unity in Knoxville and in all of America. I want to work toward a future America that's greater than it's ever been. To me, that means serving the oppressed, working towards justice for all, loving the least of these.

Maybe that's not possible. Maybe America is too far gone. But my desire above all things is to love God and love people. That's it. Maybe some people think that's too simple minded. Maybe it is. But it's what I see when I look into God's Word. The Word became flesh, and he dwelt among us. And when someone asked him what was the most important commandment of all, he said, "Love the Lord your God with all your heart, soul, mind and strength. And love your neighbor as yourself." So there you have it. Love God. Love people. When I look into the teachings of Christ, I see nothing about keeping safe or secure. I see that he tells us that we will be persecuted for his sake. I see nothing about making sure we have more. I see that he tells us not to worry about food or clothes or shelter for the future. I see that he tells us that life is precious. ALL life is precious, not just the unborn. Of course unborn life is precious! But so are immigrant lives, black lives, homeless lives, homosexual lives and all other lives that don't look exactly like mine. All lives are precious to him. And I don't find either party platform telling me that they believe that. 

Personally, I would think both options were pretty scary if I didn't know where my security lies. But I do know. I know because he has told me, and I believe him. I refuse to be anxious because I know that my Redeemer lives and he is in control even if the mountains shall fall into the sea. Even if Hillary Clinton gets into office. Even if Donald Trump gets into office. Even if all the next SCOTUS nominees are pro-choice democrats (because seriously, people, what have the republicans done about abortion laws in the past 43 years????) My Redeemer has a plan. He plans to give me a hope and a future. And I trust that his plan is better than anything I could ever come up with. And certainly better than anything any politician could!

So there it is--my unsolicited political opinion. And now I'm done. Come on, November, so I can stop reading all the crap in my newsfeed!! And Jesus will be glorified, no matter the outcome. He will still be on the throne.
"He has told you, oh man, what is good. And what does the Lord require of you? To do justly, to love mercy, and to walk humbly with God." Micah 6:8

Another Good-bye

You would think I would be used to these "good-byes" by now, but they just get harder. Each one seems a little more permanent than the last. I just watched him walk down the steps and into the living room first thing this morning for the last time in a very long while. He'll be gone for 17 weeks this time before coming home for Christmas. 17 weeks?? Do you know how long that is?? Because I can tell you. It's 119 days. 1/3 of a year!! I get by with telling myself that if I really need to, I can hop on a plane and get in a weekend visit. I honestly don't know if that can happen with all of the craziness here, but it's my comfort.

When we chose our family verse years ago, it seemed so honorable and right. But reality seldom feels easy or right.

"Like arrows in the hands of a mighty warrior are the children of ones' youth. Blessed is the man whose quiver is full of them." Psalm 127:3-4

 Arrows aren't meant to remain in a quiver. Good arrows are molded and shaped to shoot far and fly straight. My first arrow is ready to fly. And he's flying far. He's seeking the life to which he feels he's been called. He will be learning, living and working with people who most likely grew up a lot differently than he did. They will most likely look, talk and act differently as well. These are the people to whom he feels led to love. He is not about sanitized Christianity in any way. He sees every person (no matter how well or badly they view themselves) as a broken, hurting soul, beautifully made in the image of Christ, in need of a Savior. And he loves them where they are. He struggles a bit with loving the "good" ones, the ones who think or act like they have it all together. He's learning that he needs to give grace to them just as most of us need to learn to give grace to the hard hearted sinner. Give him an ex-con any day over a church goer who can't accept differences in others.

Some people haven't been able to get this or accept this about him. That's okay. He's not always been easy to get! He's not exactly what you would call a rule follower. He does things and says thing to which many Christians cringe. Sometimes I think it's to prove a point. What 19 year old doesn't want to prove a point? He's got a hard exterior, and he can look kind of scary sometimes. He definitely has a "resting bitch face" (which, I'm not sure what you call it when it's a guy!!) and that keeps people from getting too close. If you are able to get close, you find a loyal friend for life. He doesn't look like what cultural Christianity says he should, but he's good with that. He doesn't think Jesus did either. He does not shy away from striking up a conversation with anyone about his beliefs and their need for a Savior, and every person whose life he's touched over the last year knows where he stands. He seeks out those whom he feels God has placed in his path to share the gospel. He's got a hard exterior and he's a bit rough so those are usually the people he attracts.

I didn't write this to extol his virtues, and I'm very well aware of his vices!! But most people who know him know those all too well so I don't really feel the need to balance it out with those! And for right now, I'm feeling somewhat nostalgic and sad that he's leaving so I'll leave it at this. I've really enjoyed the conversations we've had over the past few weeks and months. I see him digging into God's word, dissecting it, and struggling with living it out. I've seen him get angry and impatient and slip back into old, sinful habits. Then I've seen him realize, repent, and change. That's been super awesome to see. That's something that only the holy spirit can do. Because heaven knows, I was never able to. It's beautiful to see God working in your child's heart.

I am beginning to see how some parents are okay with just letting their kids live in their basement forever!! I think I might be good with that right now as well. The other kids keep telling him to stay. They don't want him to leave. Last night we spent hours watching old You Tube videos that he had made when he was 10, 11, 12. It was so great! Back before his voice changed. Every time I watch them, I see a little more into his soul. I think of all the dreams he had back then. I think of how he's been hurt and changed since then. He understands that everything that's happened has been a part of God's plan and shaping him into who he is to do the mission that's been set before him.

If you're a praying person, I'd appreciate prayers for his safety. He shared with me that's he actually nervous. He's never nervous. He knows how dangerous this profession is. It seems ironic that his most hated childhood saying, "safety first," is what he needs to remember now. We laughed about that together yesterday, and he realizes it's truth. So I pray that he will always remember "safety first." I do feel much better knowing that he is mature enough to take this seriously. And even with how nervous his is, he knows this is his calling. He will pursue it with purpose.

And tomorrow we will shoot our first arrow straight and far--far off to Prince Edward Island, Canada--to pursue God's will for his life. I pray that he will always listen to that still, small voice to lead him in the way he should go.

"Train up a child in the way he should go, and when he is old, he will not depart from it." Psalm 22:6

Parenting through relationship....not Fear

I've been convicted recently to start blogging again....blogging about things that have been on my heart, things that I have been struggling through especially as my kids are getting older.

One thing that I see all around me and have to fight against myself is parenting out of fear. It's ironic because most of the people I see doing this are Christians...those of us who claim to believe that God is sovereign over all. We claim that our children are not our own. They are God's. We claim that God is the only one who can change hearts and behaviors. And yet we live and parent so differently.  Looking within my own self I see why. We are conditioned to believe from very early on that WE are responsible for how our children turn out. Of course, if asked, we respond differently. We say we know it's all God, but we parent like it's us. This is usually because we are afraid of the judgement that comes from the rest of the Christian community. We are told that our children should look a certain way, act a certain way, live and love a certain way. So we pretend that God is in control while secretly we prod, pray and even punish to make sure our kids fit the good Christian mold.

The Bible doesn't say much directly about parenting. I think this is on purpose so that each of us must seek Him and listen as he leads us in parenting our own children. But one example that I've gone to over and over is the story of the Prodigal Son. The Father, that Jesus claims is just like our Heavenly Father, never demanded his way. He loved and loved and continued to love. He gave grace and mercy even when it seemed ridiculous. Tim Keller claims in his book, "Prodigal God" that this story was less about the two sons and more about the Father. The word prodigal doesn't mean "wayward" as we so often would guess. But it actually means "recklessly spendthrift."

As Keller says, "It means to spend until you have nothing left. This term is therefore as appropriate for describing the father in the story as his younger son. The father's welcome to the repentant son was literally reckless, because he refused to 'reckon' or count his sin against him or demand repayment."

The Father recklessly gave grace, love and mercy to his son who had used him, taken everything from him and basically told him he wished he were dead. I'm wondering if this father was worried about what everyone around him thought when he gave into his son's demands that he give him his inheritance now. I also wonder if the son would've returned to his father's home if his father had made sure he knew he was wrong, written off, no good? What made the son think he could actually be forgiven by a father that he embarrassed in front of the whole community? The only answer is Grace. He knew his father would give him grace.

I'm pretty sure this son didn't up and demand his way one day. I'm pretty sure he must've had a reputation for doing just that. He was probably the defiant kid with angry eyes, crossed arms, and pouting lips about having to sit in worship. He was probably the kid who crawled through drainage pipes, jumped over fences and scaled the playground equipment to stand at the scary top when all the mothers were freaking out about how dangerous it was. He was probably the kid who decided to punch the wrong doer because he didn't want to be a tattletale and thought he needed to "take care of it himself." He was probably the kid who walked miles and miles to his girlfriend's house without anyone knowing where he was. He was probably the kid who used bad language and went barefoot to church. He was probably a lot like my oldest son.

And so maybe this father, like me, had to make a decision that his relationship with his son was more important to him than blind obedience. Maybe he had to come to the realization that he could never change his son's heart. Only God could do that by using his earthly father to show him the grace and love of our Heavenly Father. Maybe he decided that it mattered less what other believers thought of his parenting and more how his parenting affected his son.

I'm so grateful that God taught me so many of these things early on in my parenting. I'm grateful that he showed me that I needed to get to know my child and what he needed rather than to worry about what others thought. Oh, I can't say I was perfect at that. I failed miserably at times. But thankfully, I learned. I'm still learning, but I'm so much of a better parent today to my kids still at home because of what I learned in the early years. Do I still fail?? Um, yes. Fearful parenting shows up in a lot of different ways....

In this day and age of social media and internet, there are LOTS of things of which to be fearful when thinking about it from the world's point of view. Everywhere we are bombarded with people's opinions and warnings about what our kids should and shouldn't look at, participate in, etc. I'm not saying these warnings aren't good or helpful. As parents it's our job to know what's going on with our kids, what they are involved in and especially what is going on in their phones, computers or other electric devices!! But I've become aware recently that I had given in to the fear again.

My 14 year old daughter has been asking me if she can have snapchat for months. Literally, MONTHS!! She let me know that she was the only one of her friends who didn't have it. Who hasn't heard that one, right? She said she was feeling really left out and asked me once a week why she couldn't have it. Well of course my standard answer was that it was a dangerous app. Of course I trusted her, but I couldn't trust other people who might send her things. She told me that you have to accept people or at least give them your snapchat address. But all I had heard were scary things, things out of my control, things that made me want to shut her up in her room (without her phone) and keep her there until she was 25!! Yes, she has an Instagram. No, she's never given me any reason not to trust her. Actually, quite the contrary. She's made some really mature choices for a kid her age. Choices that I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to make when I was in middle school. But still....snapchat is from the devil, right???

This isn't a new phenomenon. Parenting has always been scary. For my generation, my parents did everything they could to keep us away from sex, drugs and rock and roll. They probably parented a lot out of fear as well!! It's a lot of pressure thinking the way your kids turns out is all on you! Each generation has it's own dilemmas. Thing is....ours seems much scarier. I mean, it really is, right? How do we control this thing we call the World Wide Web?? How do we make sure that our kids don't fall into the social media trap and ruin their future lives by posting half naked, drunken pictures of themselves for the world to bring up in 10-15 years? How do we make sure that we keep our son's (and daughter's) eyes and minds pure and away from the porn that bombards them with just a few easy clicks? How do we keep our daughters (and sons) from being lured by child predators lurking on all the new apps that we don't know about....the ones who know just the right things to say to teenage girls looking to be loved and wanted? How do we keep the cyber bullies away or keep our kids from being the bully? As parents of this generation, we are on the front lines. We've been thrown in to this with no preparation and every now and then someone warns us of a new app, some new social media, a new way that the evil world can seep into our children's minds.

Last summer when all the craziness about Josh Duggar molesting his sisters and then cheating on his wife with prostitutes came out, I remember reading an article written in The Gospel Coalition that was spot on. It said (paraphrased) that while Josh Duggar's parents were so busy trying to keep the world out of their home, they forgot about the sin that was already in it. Our kids have sinful hearts. It's there without anyone having to show it to them. Parenting out of fear, keeping everything away from them, in my opinion breeds rebellion and breaks trusts. So what is the answer?

Well, I'm still trying to figure this out like everyone else. But something that I've learned from my earlier years of parenting is definitely....don't parent out of fear. Parent out of relationship. I determined early on to have relationship with my kids. I wanted open communication ALL.THE.TIME. So at our house, we talk about everything. We talk about things that others might be uncomfortable with. We talk openly about whatever subject comes up because I want my kids to know there is NOTHING taboo to talk to me about. This is something that my husband had a little bit of a hard time with in the beginning, but man, he is awesome. When my 14 year old daughter talks about her period or asks him to go get tampons, he mans up to the task. He endures the conversations with patience and understanding. We don't have cutesy, silly names for body parts. We call them what they are and discuss them openly because that's exactly what they are--parts of their body and nothing to be ashamed of, but some parts are definitely to be kept private, and they know that.

A quote that is so familiar that I absolutely hate is this, "You aren't supposed to be your kids' friend. You're supposed to be their parent." I know people will disagree with me here, and that's okay. But I would challenge you with this. What is your most important role in eternity with your child? Being their parent or being their sister or brother in Christ? I would say that it is absolutely possible to be your child's parent AND friend. You see, my daughter who had been asking for snapchat for months knew she could talk to us. She needed a little prompting by her older brother (who she had texted for advice) but she came to us Sunday night and told us that us not letting her have snapchat made her feel like we didn't trust her. She said she felt like we were being overprotective and unfair. She said it all very respectfully. *After talking to a friend whose daughters had snapchat and finding out some other information a couple of weeks ago, I had decided to let her have it among just her girl friends. She informed me that they were the only people she wanted to use it with anyway. So she had been using it for about two weeks at this point but she still was feeling distrusted.* We've also recently gotten "Circle" which is great for controlling the amount of wifi each child in your home uses. But it also has filters that just come on it. Some of those we've taken off. Others of them seem to filter things that are crazy or unknown to us. So we didn't have any of this stuff in place because we didn't trust our daughter, but she felt that way. She felt like we were treating her like she was 10 by not allowing her to have snapchat for so long and by having all these filters in place. That wasn't true at all, but one thing I've learned in parenting is that it doesn't really matter what your intentions are. What matters is how your child interprets it.

Our daughter felt that we didn't trust her and that we weren't listening. She came to us, plead her case and told us the reasons that we should be able to trust her. She told us that she felt we were being unfair and unreasonable. We listened. We heard her. We talked. We needed to apologize for things, and we also explained to her our reasons. We explained that it wasn't that we didn't trust her at all. It was that we didn't trust others. We knew of the dangers that lurked out there, and we wanted to protect her from that. My husband also explained that as parents, we were learning daily. No generation of parents had ever had to deal with this stuff before and it was scary. She listened. She heard us. She understood. But she also said that she would always come and talk to us first if anything ever happened. And that's when I realized it. I was parenting out of fear. I knew this about her. How did I know? Because she had done it over and over. She's shown me texting conversations that she's felt uncomfortable with and asked my advice. She's shared things with me that sometimes I'm not so happy about, but I don't overreact so that the next time, she continues to share. She's told me time and again that she's thankful that she can talk to me and tell me things. We share these things because we are friends, we are sisters in Christ. Yes, I am the parent, but I'm also her friend.

There are times when I've had to do things that didn't seem "friendly" like take away her phone or keep her from an activity she wanted to do. I've struggled at those times because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I worried about how it would affect our relationship. The thing is that it hasn't. It hasn't affected our friendship at all. That's because respect is a two way street. I respect her enough to listen to her and parent her as an individual, and she respects me enough to know that sometimes I have to do the hard stuff to keep her from falling farther behind in her school work or making wrong decisions. She knows I don't want to do those things. She knows it kills me to make her sad, but I sometimes do it because we all need discipline, and it's not easy to inflict that discipline on ourselves. Sometimes we need others to do it for us.

I felt compelled to write this today because of realizing that so many around me parent out of fear. Once again, I find it mostly among those who claim that they believe God holds the future. If that's what we really believe, let's live like it. The better relationships we have with our kids, the better we will be able to parent them. No, it's not always easy to have those relationships. Some kids are easier than others. With my first it was a huge struggle to keep that relationship. There were definitely things he didn't tell me on his own. But when I would go and sit in his room and prompt him, he would talk. No matter what anyone else's story was about him, I always listened. I didn't always agree, but I always gave him space for his story. And now that he's gone and meeting new people and seeing things in a different light, he thanks me. Every so often I get a text that just says, "Thanks for getting me" or "Thanks for listening to me" or "Thanks for letting me be who I was and not trying to make me into what you wanted me to be."

Our kids are going to be who God is making them to be. We cannot thwart his plan. Let's live like that. Let's give our "prodigal" kids a reason to come back home one day. Let's show our kids that they have our love, trust and friendship. Let's let them know that we make mistakes too and apologize when we do. And let's strive to always listen and let them be who they were created to be.