It looks like it's been over a year since I've blogged. So much has happened, and I probably can't even remember half of it!! But the biggest change, of course, is that my first arrow has graduated from high school and is now on the Appalachian Trail for 5-6 months. He's given me permission to start a blog about his travels so if anyone is interested, I'll post it soon.
The next biggest happening I guess is that Cedar (arrow #6) is turning 5!! These two things coinciding have given me much pause over the past few months, and it definitely feels like a much different stage in life. I've never grieved over my children getting older--probably because I always have younger ones still coming up. But this time feels very final. There are officially no more babies in my house. Maybe he hasn't been a baby for awhile, but five just feels old. I've had a hard time taking it all in and accepting that there will be no more babies in our family. I don't think there will ever be a point in my life where I don't want more babies!!
Speaking of babies, I've made another big decision. I'm not going to be re-certifying as a doula. My certification ends in December. I've loved being a doula. It's been so fulfilling and has given me a place to grow a part of myself independently. I've learned so much about myself over the past couple of years, and I think I'm ever changing. At least I hope I am. I hope I'm always changing to look more and more like Jesus in every way. More loving, more patient, more accepting of others' differences. In part of this growing I've realized that with having a new teen, an almost teen and a tween (with two more following) life is way more hectic than it's ever been. Trand was never as busy as any of them. And now I'm the only day time driver. When Liza-Hill asked me recently if I had any doula jobs coming up, I told her "no." Her response was a relieved, "oh good!!" It's not my kids' job to sacrifice their time so that I can feel fulfilled. So for now, I'm done. I don't know what the future holds for me. But I need to focus on my home life right now. I will miss it, and I will miss the delivery room. But for right now, it's the best decision for my family.
God has been teaching me so much about giving it all to him. I've never been a worrier by nature. I've said many times in recent years that God made me this way because he knew he was going to give me Trand for a son! No more has that ever been true than now. Waiting on his phone calls every 5-7 days has taught me much in patience and reliance on Jesus. I have had much time to reflect this summer over my last 18 years with him. I don't want to make this a post about homeschooling or make anyone think that I'm saying everyone should do it. I totally and completely think that every family should make their own choice about schooling for their own kids. But over the years I have questioned whether or not we were doing the right thing for Trand. Would he be more social if he were forced to be with more people? Would he have an easier time making friends? Would he be happier? Would it spur him on to conversation more? But every time I would ask him if he wanted to go to school, he would look at me like I was crazy. So we didn't make that change. And I'm so thankful we didn't.
Homeschooling gave me a chance to know my son like I never would have otherwise. He's a hard kid. He always has been. He's strong-willed and determined. He's adventurous and loves an adrenaline rush. I'm so thankful that we didn't push him into a mold that society said he should fit. You may find it surprising that I was the one who encouraged him not to pursue college right now. He hated school work. He hated classrooms. He is an excellent writer, but that's not something he wanted to pursue for a career. He, like most upper middle class American high schoolers, just thought going to college was "the next step" even though he wanted to be an underwater welder--something that takes a commercial diving certification that requires a year of trade school.
I am not sure that Trand could've learned the life lessons that he's learned if he was in school. I'm not sure he could've grown in the ways that he needed and been ready for a 2200 mile trek at 18 if he had been in school. My goal in homeschooling has never been academics first. That's no secret. My goal has always been to help my children find their purpose, their passion, their reason for living and do it full out for God's glory! I want them to live BIG! Not in a box that our culture says they should stay in. I'm not saying college isn't for anyone. I fully believe that our other kids will go to college. They are geared that way. I don't know that Trand won't go eventually. But right now, he's got different things to accomplish.
It's not my place to share all his plans with the world. I've probably already shared too much even though I've read and reread and erased and typed over and over. But it's enough to say that he has plans! He has big plans, and I couldn't be prouder of him. I'm proud of how he's sticking to this trail even though he's wanted to quit so many times already. I'm proud that he's allowing Jesus to change him into the man he has planned for him to be. I see his heart softening. I hear it in the words he speaks and how he is inviting me into his heart in our conversations.
And I will stop because he would not want me to share more about him. I will only say what I have said his whole life--that he is the biggest source of sanctification God has ever used in my life. I am thankful. It's been a hard 18 years. What I wouldn't do to be able to have a do-over at some points of it. But it is what it is. God has taken it all and will use it all to shape us all into the people that he has planned for us to become. I'm so thankful that I serve a sovereign God that I can trust because he loves my children more than I do. I will continue to trust that he will keep him safe and sound, and he will continue to mold him into a man who looks like the very face of Jesus.
