Some of what I've learned about homeschooling

17 years ago I decided I'd like to try my hand at homeschooling. It wasn't going to be forever. It would be just long enough to "get him ahead" and over the energetic boy years. Jon and I discussed it and decided it would be a good thing for our inquisitive, highly emotional, determined little boy. So being who I am (and coming with a teaching degree and no other kids at the time) I sat down and wrote out a curriculum for 3 and 4 year old preschool. Hahahaha!!! I laugh at that now, but at the time I was convinced he'd be "behind" if he didn't have that. Well, we worked hard, we had fun, we both learned (and cried) A LOT....and the rest is history. That boy graduated from our homeschool two years ago, hiked the Appalachian Trail, and is now about to graduate as an internationally certified commercial diver doing what he's always dreamed of doing.

Starting with his kindergarten year, we added a lot of babies along the way. In all 13 years of his "formal schooling" there wasn't one year without a baby or toddler for distraction. My youngest was 4 when my oldest graduated, and that was a close as we ever got. At times I questioned whether we were really doing the right thing. Should he be somewhere that he could be more focused? Was I giving him everything he needed to prepare for life? You have no idea how many moms have asked me over the years, "What do you do with your babies and toddlers while you homeschool? What are the tricks to keeping them busy and happy while you work with the others? HOW DO YOU DO THIS??" My answer: "It looks different every.single.day." If you want concrete answers and you're good with schedules and all that jazz, there are plenty of homeschooling gurus out there who can give you lists of ideas. But that was never me. Most days I just wore my baby in a sling or wrap or some other baby wearing device (we didn't have nearly the amount to choose from back then) and went about my day instructing here and there, listening to someone read, nursing the baby, loving on a toddler, refereeing fights, maybe doing some dishes, nursing the baby, listening to multiplication tables, reading bible stories, switching some laundry, preparing for co-op class, nursing the baby, on and on until we fell into bed and got up the next day to do it all over again. And I wouldn't change a thing.....

My reasons for homeschooling changed a lot over the years. I won't go into great detail over each philosophy, but I'd say every couple of years or so I'd realize I was doing this for a whole different reason than what I had been. Like I said, when we started it was just to "get him ahead" and have him be the smartest kid in 3rd grade (when I figured we'd put him in school.) Oh how I chuckle about that now. Literally LOLing here in my living room. Then once we went to the homeschool convention in FL, my husband told me we could never put our children in school!! We certainly couldn't risk what those schools would do to them!! Once again, LOLing here!! And so we warrior-ed on this not so well beaten path blazoned by the homeschool heroes that we had grown to love and admire. We believed that this was the path down which God was taking us (and I still believe that because I believe in his sovereignty) and this was the only way for our kids.

So here's the thing....none of what we did was wrong or bad or anything to hurt our kids, but we bought into a lot of crap along the way that could have if we hadn't decided to listen to our kids instead. There is a whole lot of stuff that many hard core homeschoolers want to heap upon you and "add to" the gospel to make their's the "best" way and ensure the "best" kids coming out of your home. And they will tell you, sometimes subtly sometimes not so subtly, that you are flat out wrong if you do it differently. I can't tell you how strong the push is for certain philosophies out there, and if I hadn't been the personality that I was, I shudder to think where I could've gotten lost along the way. I also believe my sweet, level headed husband saved me from so much garbage that could've led me astray of the real gospel and what parenting and homeschooling really is.

Somewhere along the way I started realizing that my kids would really be okay if we were to put them in school. Not only okay, but there were probably some things that would actually make them better human beings. This was novel to me. (If you're laughing right now, that's okay.) So every year we do a recheck of where we are, where our kids are, and we see what would be best. 

Somewhere along the way I begin to understand that this wasn't about having the smartest kids or making them into little geniuses. I realized that my kids were never going to be geniuses, actually, and that was okay and not the goal. And I actually cringe now when I see posts by homeschooling moms hailing "homeschooling" as being the reason why their kids are so smart. Let me tell you a secret...it's not. For every homeschooler out there reading at 3, there are 2 more that aren't reading until they are 10 or 12. If you laud homeschooling as the reason your little one is doing algebra at 9, there are plenty of others out there wondering what they are doing wrong since their 14 year old still can't grasp multiplication or their 11 year old is struggling with reading comprehension or their 13 year old can't write a correct sentence. 

Somewhere along the way I learned that keeping them away from all the bad stuff wasn't going to save them and make them into the good, obedient, helpful and mannerly kids that I had seen at the homeschool conventions. Yes, I had been jealous of those families. I had wondered how their kids had magically turned out to be obedient and mannerly children who loved one another and respected their parents when mine got angry, yelled at each other (and us), never obeyed the first time (we were lucky if they did the 3rd or 4th), and seemed unruly and disruptive. Sadly, since those early days I've learned a lot of what many parents did to keep their kids in line, and much of it was pure child abuse. I'm not saying that all homeschooling parents did that--in the least--but in so many cases, it was. And their children have grown up now to tell the world about it.

Somewhere along the way I also began to see the truth among many lies. My eyes were opened to much of the white-washing of American history done by homeschool (and many public and Christian school) curriculums and leaders. I saw much of what I had learned (or hadn't learned at all) in school was very slanted, to say the least. I realized that my kids needed diversity in their lives. They needed different perspectives than what they were getting being around people just like them. They needed to be in the world, not kept from it. And I wanted them to do that while they were still at home, having discussions with us, asking hard questions, and feeling the freedom to disagree with us if they needed. We always direct them back to the gospel. The answers are there. There is no church, religion, homeschooling philosophy, parenting philosophy, anything that has all the answers. They will all fail you. Only Jesus will not fail. I have learned he is the only answer, and that that answer can take many different shapes, forms and philosophies in this broken world where we live.

Somewhere along the way my kids taught me a lot of stuff. They taught me to question societal claims of how to have the smartest kids and whether that was even important. They taught me that "courting" wasn't going to save them from make all the mistakes I did. They taught me that adding rules to the gospel did nothing but heap guilt and sorrow onto all of our souls. They taught me about true forgiveness and grace. They taught me that just observing and obeying cultural norms was not the way to parent. They taught me to trust them and their natural curiosities about the world around them. I've learned that academics isn't the highest goal (or even one of the top 3) for me. Teaching the WHOLE child, knowing their hearts, listening to the beat of their existence to learn what makes each one of them tick is the desire of my free spirited heart.

Somewhere along the way God showed me that to "train up a child in the way they should go" doesn't always mean what we think it means. It's not a promise that if we teach our children the truth they will not ever stray. But I do think it means that we need to know our children's hearts. We need to see their passions and desires, gifts and abilities, and encourage those things. We should tailor their education (whether in homeschooling or school) to training them in those passions and talents. When we know our children's hearts, we can help guide them in those areas. There are no cookie cutter kids. They are all different and should be treated as such.

Like I said, my philosophy of homeschooling has morphed over the years into so many different things. I no longer desire to have the perfect looking kids because I know their hearts are no different than anyone else's without Jesus. I no longer care if my kids are the smartest or read the earliest or make the best grades. I no longer buy into much of the philosophy upon which the religious homeschooling movement was built. For the last two years I've really considered school, mainly for the diversity that it would provide my children. But I keep going back to my main desire for my kids' education and that is educating the whole child and knowing their hearts. I know people who do this well while sending their kids to school, but I know myself and I don't think I could do it. I am passionate about them finding who they are and pursuing that. If that includes college, fine. If it doesn't, fine too. Our educational system in America isn't really geared that way so I struggle. I've got one who has big goals outside of school and academics, and we need to gear our lives to be able to continue his education even while pursuing other interests. Plus, there's the fact that I can't imagine not hanging out with my kids all day!!

So for now, homeschooling is a good way of life for us. We will continue to be open to different thoughts and ideas and revelations from Jesus. Until something changes we will march on in this homeschooling life. We will watch and marvel at the amazing creations our children are. We will live free and unhindered by what society and culture tell us is important. We will keep figuring out how unschooling fits into the "rules" that TN gives us. And we will continue to train our children up in the way THEY should go, their each individual way, so that when they are old they will not depart from it, and trust that they will live the fulfilled life that God in his sovereignty has planned for them.

If you know me, you know I LOVE to talk about parenting and homeschooling. And if anyone ever wants to talk, just let me know!! I'm available, and talking is one of my greatest talents. ;)

Grace, oh Irresistible Grace

Irresistible Grace. If you've been around the Reformed world of faith for any amount of time, you're most certainly familiar with this term. As reformed believers, we believe that the Grace of God is so irresistible that no one whom he has called can "resist" this call. We are not drawn to our Heavenly Father by the rules or laws in the Bible that we so often talk about. We aren't even drawn out of fear of eternal damnation. That one may work for awhile, as many "preachers and teachers" of the Bible like to use that one, and it makes for good numbers at revivals and numbers of baptisms each year.  (Sorry, I may be stepping on some toes there.) But after awhile, without a relationship with Jesus where one understands grace, even the fear of hell starts to wear. The only thing that truly draws people to Christ and keeps them there is Grace--undeserved, unmerited Grace.

(I understand that not all believers are reformed and probably not everyone reading this is a believer. That's okay. I think we can all agree that we need grace--whether from God or each other--and we are drawn to those who give it.)

So my question is this....if we, as believers, believe that we love our Heavenly Father because of his grace, why would we not want to parent our children the same way? It's something that I started thinking about years ago, and it has shaped every part of my parenting.

When I became a parent 20 years ago, I wanted what I think most Christian moms want. I wanted to know everything I could about bringing up my children for Jesus. I wanted kids who loved Jesus from an early age, and I wanted to "save" them from ever making the mistakes I did.  So what did I do? Well, I read books, I listened to moms who had well behaved kids, and I prayed that God would show me how to parent the way he wanted me to. (At least I got one thing right.) Now, I am not saying that it's wrong to read parenting books or get advice from veteran moms, but I'm just saying it probably takes a bit more of a litmus test than what I did. My thought now is, when asking advice on parenting, don't ask the mom with the well behaved 4 year old. Ask the mom whose grown child still wants to come home. (By the way, there is not just one way to achieve this. The secret is....there is no formula, only Jesus.)

I found myself pregnant in 1996, and guess what book came out that very year?? "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo. I had heard of him and his study being done in hundreds of churches around the country called "Growing Kids God's Way." It was all the rage on how to make those little selfish 8 pound brats (who came into this world wanting to split up your marriage and nurse 24 hours a day) into self reliant, obedient, respectful angels who slept 8-10 hours by 2 months old. This "On Becoming Babywise" book was the secular companion. You didn't have to commit to the 10 week course, and it was available everywhere. Here it was--the answer that every young Christian mom was looking for. Here was the formula, right? I mean, how can you argue with "Growing Kids God's Way"??? And the person who gave it to me was someone I really respected who had a couple of children and seemed to have it together. So I read it, and sadly, I bought into it.

I'll admit, it seemed extreme. I mean, did babies really come into this world as manipulating little beings who could ruin a marriage if they got their way of making our family a "child centered" family? As a believer in total depravity, I guess I could buy that--maybe?? But all these other moms were raving about his book. Their babies slept through the night by 4 weeks, 8 weeks, etc. Their babies were on 3 hour eating schedules and having their nursing time, awake time, sleep time right on schedule. They were sleeping on their own and they didn't need to nurse to sleep. (I don't think I realized that that was even a big deal until Ezzo told me.) Actually, I didn't realize any of this was a big deal until Ezzo told me. But because if I gave into any of my baby's demands, picked him up when he cried, or (worst thing of all) let him sleep with us, I was going to make him into a selfish brat that would rule our house with his demanding ways....I read on and I paid attention.

Skip forward a few years. I had been a mom for a few years. I had figured out that all kids weren't the same. All discipline didn't work the same for every kid. And maybe, just maybe, there wasn't a formula. So I did a really crazy thing. I told my husband I thought that we needed to stop spanking our child and just show grace. He was three. He was angry. He felt our discipline was unjustified, and he didn't feel respected.

So our next child came along....and I was going to do it right this time. I never let her cry. She slept in my bed, right beside me, Ezzo be damned. But then I figured out around 3 months that she wanted to sleep alone. Hahaha!! (all babies are NOT the same.) And then the next baby came.....he slept with us for about 8-9 months and then did great transitioning to his bed. And then our next baby came.....and she stayed in our room for quite some time. Then another and another. And all these babies were shown all the affection, attention and love they needed, whenever they needed it.

I remember seeing a video a couple of years ago. It was from when my oldest was about 8 and the 2nd, 3rd and 4th were 3, 2, and 1. Several times during the video I told my oldest to stop doing something that was completely just childish. There was nothing "wrong" with what he was doing. He was being a kid. And eventually I sent him to his room. When I saw this video, I cried. I sobbed. I saw what I had done, and I couldn't forgive myself. You see, my oldest child's love language is "quality time." So every time I ever sent him to his room, sent him away from me, I told him "I don't want you around" even though that's not what I thought I was telling him. I just thought I was saying, "We need some time apart." But he heard, "I don't want you here." And now I know this. So seeing myself send him away for something so trivial just killed me.

I didn't understand grace. 

I didn't know that the way I had been conditioned to parent was without grace. He was supposed to obey what I said, when I said it. Right? Isn't that what the books said? First time obedience. That was the most important thing. Ahhhhh, how many things I didn't understand. 

Skip forward about 12 years. (Today, 4/9/17)

Sometimes things happen that make me think, "I so wish I believed in spanking right now." Today was one of those days. Some of you who know me may know that my youngest child (#6 who is also 6 yo/almost 7) has never been easy in church. Church was absolute torture from the time he was too old for nursery (when he turned 4) until about 6 months ago when he miraculously started being okay with children's church. Some Sundays though. Today was one of those. We have bagels downstairs at church, and Cedar knows that. So his routine is to go downstairs as soon as we get there, get his bagel and cream cheese and bring it up and sit with us. Today I waited and waited, and he never came. I asked Shepley to go check on him. She came back saying that he was downstairs, but he was in line to do the palm branches with the other kids. Oh no. I knew. I should've just told her to get him. But I thought, "Well, if he's staying, maybe he wants to..." Um, no. When the kids came in with the branches, all the others went straight to the front to wave their branches and sing. Cedar came straight to our pew, with his branch. I told him, "I think you're supposed to go up front" (still under some impression that this was his choice.) He walked out of the pew, turned back around and burst into tears. I got him calmed down, and church started. But oh something was off. He was sad and mad and off. Everything made him upset. When it was time for children's church, he refused to go. Well, that would be fine if he could actually sit in church. But with the way things were going, I knew that wasn't the case. So I tried to get him just to leave with me. He started kicking and screaming. I picked up his 65 lb. 54" body and walked out the front of the church with him pounding my back and screaming. Y'all. Here I am. A 43 year old woman with six children who obviously, to most of the world, has no idea yet on how to raise them. I took him downstairs, and I had a little chat with God. "Please show me if I'm wrong in parenting this way! We are testing this 'It's about their heart, not behavior' thing to its limits." He sat at the bottom of the stairs and yelled "Meanie" at me while I stood around the corner and cried. 

And then....oh and then.....Mary. Mary is a homeless woman who is always around at church. Usually I love Mary. We have good conversations, and she loves my kids. But today, today was not a good day for an encounter with Mary. She came right over (because of course Mary doesn't get subtleties of parents crying their eyes out over wayward children) and talked to me. I so badly wanted her to leave, but she didn't. She talked to me. She talked to Cedar. I couldn't even escape to take him outside because he had left his shoes upstairs in church and at Redeemer, broken glass is a thing. A big thing. Redeemer is a place of refuge for the unwanted, marginalized and outcast, and most of the time...they come with bottles. 

Cedar started running in circles, and Mary talked for a good 8 minutes on how unfair it was that Cedar had so much energy and she didn't. She kept saying to him, "Why won't you give me some of that energy???" And then acting honestly mad that he didn't. *sigh* I finally said, "I think you need to talk with God about that problem, not Cedar." I felt frustrated and alone. But grace. Once again, God gave me grace. Grace to talk to Mary and love her. Grace to forgive Cedar. Grace to forgive myself for not being the perfect parent with perfect kids. And then came the humility. Oh sweet humility that will never let me get too much beyond my station. No one will ever look at me and think, "She has it all together." And that's a wonderful thing because, most definitely, I do not. 

So I continued to talk to Mary because Mary doesn't leave. And Cedar started running races with himself and wanting me to count. So Mary and I counted together. And she delighted in him. She asked him questions like he was her equal, not like she was above him. And he answered. He allowed her in our game. He then started "walking in shapes" on the floor for us to guess. She was oh so impressed when I walked in a hexagon, and he knew it on the first guess. She said, "You homeschool that kid, don't you?" Haha! Yes, Mary, we homeschool. But I can't take much credit. 

Finally Mary left. She just quietly slipped away, out the door, and Cedar and I were alone. He held up his arms for me, and I scooped him up. He wrapped his legs around my waist and his arms around my neck. He laid his head on my shoulder, and he breathed me in. He knew I was safe. And then Jesus. I sat him down on a table, and looked in his eyes. I said, "Cedar, today is Palm Sunday. That's the day that we celebrate when Jesus rode into Jerusalem. He went there to die, Cedar." Cedar nodded his head, as he already knew this. 

"Why did Jesus die, Cedar? Why did he have to die on a cross?" 

"For my sins." 

"Yep. For your sins and my sins and all the world's sins. He took those sins on himself."

"You mean he ate them?"

"Well, no. They were imputed to him. That means when God looked at him, he saw it like Jesus committed all of OUR sins. All the bad things we have done and will ever do were on Jesus. And Cedar, what happened three days after he died?"

Joyfully he exclaimed, "HE ROSE AGAIN!" 

"Yes, my darling. He did. He conquered sin and death. He conquered Satan." Then...

"Cedar, do you think you have something to say to Jesus?"

"Yes." (Bows his head, closes his eyes and folds his hands...) "Dear Jesus, I'm sorry for my sins. I'm sorry that I acted so bad. Please forgive me." 

"Cedar, what do you think makes you do those things?"

Cedar looked at me with questioning eyes. 

"Our flesh makes us do those things, Cedar."

"Our rotten, stinking flesh?" Cedar asked. 

"Well, yeah. I guess you could put it that way" all the while I was giggling at this point. "Even though Jesus has taken our sin, we still live in these earthly bodies. And they like to sin. We have to keep asking the Holy Spirit for self control everyday."

"I don't have much self control. It's really hard."

"Yeah, self control is really hard. Mommy has to ask God to help me with that everyday, many times a day. We have dark hearts that are filled with sin, Cedar. We need Jesus to clean them and make them pure." 

(Then Cedar starts asking about bloody, red hearts and how they pump blood through our bodies and all the things...)

"But, Cedar, does God ever stop loving you when you sin?"

"No, Mommy, he never does."

"Does Mommy ever stop loving you?"

"No, you never stop loving me." 

"I will always love you, Cedar, no matter what."

With trusting arms wrapped around me and eyes shining..."I will always love you, too, Mommy."

And so my totally frazzled, embarrassing parental moment was a lesson in grace. Every hard moment is a lesson in grace. And the more grace we give, the more we teach our children about the grace of our Heavenly Father. I committed years ago to wanting to get to their hearts. Their hearts were the goal. The behavior was a by-product, a symptom of a sinful heart. God wants my heart, and he gives continuous, irresistible grace along the way to getting it. Grace is what draws me to my Father, and grace is what draws our children to us.

Beauty and the Beast: A Movie Review

I'll be the first to admit. I'm not the most qualified to do a movie review. ;) I honestly don't even like movies that much, and I only go to them if I really want to see a movie. So I may not be the most likely person to write this review, but because of the fact that I have so many friends who were so worried about this movie and all they had heard about it, I'm going to say what I have to say about it. I hope it will be helpful to some who are wondering.

Unless you've lived under a rock for the past 25 years, I'm assuming you've seen the original Disney movie. This one follows pretty much exactly the same story line so there's not a lot of surprise here. I'm assuming that there will be no spoilers, but just in case you're worried, stop reading here.

The story of Beauty and the Beast is one of sacrifice, forgiveness and redemption. It gives us the gospel. There is no beastiality, stockholm syndrome, "gay moments" or any of the other things that people are saying about it.

As we know, this is not an animal that she falls in love with. He is a selfish prince who can only love and care about himself. He is cursed by an enchantress and put under a spell that will make him a beast forever unless he can learn how to love and someone can love him before the last petal of the enchanted rose falls. So he's human. He's just under a curse.

Stockholm Syndrome, according to the dictionary, is this

"feelings of trust or affection felt in certain cases of kidnapping or hostage-taking by a victim toward a captor."

I can understand how one would interpret what Belle felt as "Stockholm Syndrome," but I don't think of it that way. Belle never fell in love with her captor until he released her. She started to see things in him when he was kind and loving, but when given the chance to be free, she took it. She had the choice to stay or go, and she left. She went to find her father. Only after she had been released and realized his true love and sacrifice for her, did she love him back in return.

Beauty and the Beast is a story first of sacrifice. Belle's love for her father is overwhelming. She has nothing in this world that she loves as much as him. She is weird and strange, living in a world where women don't read and books mean nothing. She is educated and a lover of all knowledge. She wants so much more than this "provincial life" that her little French town can offer. Her father goes off to sell his invention and gets lost in the Beast's forgotten castle lair. Belle goes to find him and sacrifices herself for her father's freedom. This is what amazes the Beast. This is the love that he's never before seen. This is what first draws him to her. Who would do such a thing? Sacrifice her life to set her father free? The Beast is intrigued by this beautiful girl.

Nothing, absolutely nothing, makes this girl see anything in this Beast until she tries to escape. When she does, she is attacked by wolves, and then the Beast almost dies sacrificing his life for hers. He cares about her in a way he doesn't understand, and he risks it all to keep her safe. Only then does she start to have any good feelings towards him. His sacrifice for her turns it all around, draws her in, and makes her feel loved. She, in turn, starts to see him in a new light.

Belle forgives the Beast for being her captor. She starts to see that he's not as bad as he seemed and he just needs love himself. They enjoy each other's company. The Beast starts to fall in love with Belle and realizes what true love actually is. When he finally realizes he loves her, he also realizes the only way he can truly love her is to let her go. Who can be free to love if they are held captive? So he does. He loves her enough to let her go, knowing that doing so means the death of himself. He will forever remain a Beast.

But the story isn't over. Belle comes back. She knows the Beast is in trouble, and she realizes that she loves him. She loves him because of his sacrifice and grace. She loves him because he gave his life for her. She loves him because of his beautiful heart. So she goes back. She goes back to save him from the true monster of the story, Gaston. And although it seems she is too late, her love redeems his life. The Beast is transformed back into a Prince because of the redeeming love of Belle. He doesn't die. He isn't lost. He is brought back to life, purchased by her love. 

And so you see, Beauty and Beast is a gospel story. It gives us sacrifice, forgiveness and redemption. Even the world, at it's deepest level, aches for this. We all ache in our souls to find true love and be redeemed. Hollywood knows it. They just don't know the true answer. 

And all the other stuff that the directors and everyone wanted us to worry about? It's not there. The absolute only other thing is maybe the two men at the end who "accidentally" end up dancing together (for literally less than 2 seconds of the movie.) Y'all, it's nothing. And even if there was, I'm here to tell you, there are gay people in your kids' lives, and if you don't figure out now how to talk about it, you're missing your opportunity! So take this opportunity to think about that! But go see this movie because it is the story of the gospel in a beautiful, mesmerizing story of Beauty and the Beast.