What is required?

Last night I had Jon listen to this song.....

He had heard it before on the radio, but he has a problem actually listening to a song past the first 20 seconds. ;) It's called "Kings and Queens" by Audio Adrenaline, and I cry every time I hear it. If you just skipped over it and you're not familiar with it, it's about adoption. And it's dead on.

You see, Jon and I talk a good bit about adoption. Well, mainly I talk, he listens, and then says something about waiting for God to change his heart about it!! Ha! But recently we got a bit of good news. Jon got a new CFO position at a bigger hospital here in Knoxville. Now he will be only 12 minutes from home instead of 45-50! Plus, it comes with a salary increase. That got me thinking about the verse "Everyone to whom much was given, much will be required." (Luke 12:48.)

Now this isn't a new revelation. It's not like I all of a sudden think we have "much." I think pretty much everyone in America has "much." If you have a roof over your head, clothes on your body, food in your refrigerator and especially a device on which you are currently reading this blog post, you have "VERY MUCH" by the rest of the worlds' standards! But this current turn of events has gotten me thinking....what is required of me?

I also know this.  "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit [or care for] orphans and widows in their affliction." So we are commanded to care for the orphans. Actually, it's true religion. (Side note: I do often think the widows get a little left out of this equation so I'm not trying to short them. But for my purposes today, I'm talking about the orphans.)

Adoption is always on my radar these days. I think it's a beautiful picture of how we have been made Children of God. We were born into sin. We were as far from God's children as we could be because God cannot be in the presence of sin. But although we did not deserve any of it, our creator chose us from before the foundation of the world to be called "Sons and daughters of God." Ephesians 1:5 says, "He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will."

Of course, we have our own adoption story in this family. It has touched us in a very real and personal way. And the fact is, there are orphans out there who need families. I know there's a lot of corrupt stuff that goes on in adoption, but I don't think we can let that deter us from those truly in need.

So I worry. I worry that we aren't doing enough. We aren't doing what is required of us. I worry that we aren't practicing true religion and giving what we should be.

But today, God has been giving me another verse. 

He has told you, O man, what is good;
    and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love mercy,
    and to walk humbly with your God? ~Micah 6:8

What does the God require from us??? This is it! This is for me today! This is all I have to do--for today. You see, I'm in the wonderful position of being the wife of a wonderful man. So that means I get to submit to his decisions. Yes, you read that right. I get to!! 

Submission is a beautiful thing to me. It means that I don't have to answer for all of our family's decisions. It means that if things don't work out, I'm not the one in charge. It means that I don't have to agonize over what to do with our money or resources. Yes, I have input and opinions and Jon values 

those. But in times like this when I'm stressed over everything, I get to put that stress aside and rest. It means that the decision of whether or not to adopt is not just sitting on my shoulders. I am not to be my husband's holy spirit and continually whisper in his ears, "There are orphans who need us..."

I trust that God will speak to Jon about what to do with what He has given us. I also trust that praying will be a much more effective way of working on Jon's heart than my words in his ear! So I'll work on my part to do justice, to love mercy and to walk humbly with God. I would say that's quite the undertaking right there--enough for me to spend quite some time on!!

Adoption: the beautiful and the ugly

Adoption is a beautiful thing. But it's also hard and messy. 

I had lunch with a friend on Monday, and I told her that very statement. I was talking about my own adoption experience. I wouldn't change for the world what happened in our lives to bring us to the decision to adopt. Adoption wasn't really on our radar before that. I know some people have felt led to adopt their whole lives. Even though I grew up next to a family that adopted two children, it was never something on my heart until I struggled with my own infertility. If you haven't read my story and care to, you can read about it in part one and part two of my struggle. I know that God brought us to adoption through our circumstances--no other way around it! And I'm so thankful that he did.

You see, Liza-Hill is amazing. She has blessed our family in countless way. She also is a blessing to most everyone else that she is around. She's energetic and silly. She's self confident and knows what she wants. She loves to make people happy, and she makes a friend everywhere she goes to prove it! She has no time for school because she's constantly FaceTiming her plethora of friends. And best of all, she has an amazing heart for Jesus, and if you ask her to pray for you, you can bet she will! Adoption has been a beautiful thing in our life. Everyday I see it. I see it in her smile, hear it in her laugh, watch it in action as she dances around a room. She shines light everywhere she goes. She is love incarnate!

So how is adoption hard and messy in our house? We have a pretty easy time of it. No language barriers, no cultural differences, no past to be reminded of or work through. But I'll tell you, as wonderful as Liza-Hill is, she is still human. She is still mean to her sisters sometimes. She is still disrespectful as times. She still does plenty of things that require discipline on our part as parents. And I'm telling you what, not one time of discipling her has ever happened that it didn't cross my mind,

"Is she going to hold this against me?"

Is she going to feel like this isn't my job? Is she going to think, "If I was with my birth mom, she wouldn't be doing this." Is she thinking, "She's only doing this because I'm adopted"? And dreading the day that everyone says is coming, the day that she looks me in the eyes and shouts, "You're not my REAL mom!"

Liza-Hill has been talking about finding her birth parents for years. I know she doesn't do this to hurt me. She has no idea how it turns the knife in my heart each time she says it. I know that my daughter is a people person. She would absolutely die if she couldn't be around people. So having that unknown about her birth parents in her life is a hard thing. I don't blame her, and it's not like I don't understand. I just know what's very likely going to happen from there.

I hear stories quite often of happy reunions--birth mothers and their biological children. I don't hear them as often about birth fathers, but I met Liza-Hill's birth father. I'm sure he's going to be just as excited to see her as she is him. She has his personality through and through. I hear of kids who were placed for adoption going on vacation with their birth mothers (and their family.) They spend time together at family reunions or other important events.  I always hear these stories in a wonderful, positive light. And to the people telling them, they are a wonderful thing.

But as I hear these stories, my throat closes a little, my eyes fight to hold back tears, and I paste on a happy *oh-that's-so-great* smile as that knife in my heart turns a little more. And I think, "What about the adoptive parents? Where are they in all of this? What about the years of love, sweat and tears they poured into raising this child?"

I'm trying to prepare myself for that day in my life. Even more than hearing the horrible, "You're not my REAL mom," I am dreading that day. That day when she turns 21 and begins her quest, that she will not end until her goal is met, to find the parents who gave her life, the ones who brought her into this world and into my arms. I know her. I know her inside and out. And I know that she will have to do this. I won't stop her. It's who she is. She will have to know them. She will have to seek out her blood sister as well, the one that her birth mom placed for adoption two years before she was born. She will do this because they are a part of her, and she needs them.

I would never deny them the blessing of knowing my sweet Liza-Hill. They made that unselfish choice to give her to me so many years ago, and I will be forever grateful. No, I would not try to keep her from them or them from her. She WILL make their lives better, happier, fuller.

It's times like these, when I get so overwhelmed with the thought of having to share her one day, that I have to remember that none of my children "belong" to me. They belong to Jesus. I have no idea what could happen to any of them even tomorrow. I trust in my Savior for the care of all of them, and I must do the same for Liza-Hill. I must share her one day. I know that.

My prayer is that while it will be exciting for her one day to meet her birth family, she will always remember my snuggles, my tickles, my back rubs, my songs, my silliness, my words, my time and my tears. That may be selfish of me, but I really don't care. :) She will always be mine even if I have to share her a little bit, and I pray for the grace to do that well.

Be Disappointed!!

This morning as I was getting ready in my bathroom, Cama-Jane walked in and complained, "Netflix isn't working again!" I said, "I'm sorry." She repeated herself, this time a little more whiny and demanding, "Netflix isn't WORKING!" Once again I said, "I'm sorry," and added, "I can't fix it." She raised her voice another couple of octaves and emphatically yelled, "NETFLIX ISN'T WORKING!!!" I stopped what I was doing, looked at her, and once again said, "I'm sorry. I can't fix it. What do you want me to do??" With furrowed brows and fists clenched tightly, she stomped her foot, looked up at me and loudly squeaked, "Be disappointed!"

Ahhhh, be disappointed....

Isn't that just what we all want sometimes? Someone to just be disappointed with us? Someone to feel some sympathy? Wallow in our pain for a bit? This is what husbands are usually so bad at!! We tell them a problem, and they want to fix it, and they think that's what we're wanting too! (Just like I assumed CJ wanted me to.) Sometimes, just like my daughter, we know there's nothing that can be done as a "quick fix." We just have to wait it out, but in the meantime it's nice to have someone down in the pit just to understand, just to sympathize, just to be disappointed with you! 

(Don't get me wrong. I'm not bashing husbands!! No, this is not a place for that. They are awesome when we really need the answers to "how to fix it!!" But that's for another day.)

I think Jesus understood this. In Matthew 28:11 he says, "Come to me, all who are weak and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Could Jesus fix our problems?? Of course he could. It's kind of his specialty! But that's not the help he offers here. He just says, I know you need someone to rest in. You are tired. You are weary. Life stinks right now. I'll take your disappointments, ease them, and give you a glimpse of eternity where they won't matter anymore!" 

Do I think Jesus wants us to wallow in self pity or guilt or sorrow? No!! He offers more than just a listening ear. He may not give a solution right away, but he gives something even better. He gives us the gift of rest. He offers to take it all away. He takes away the worry, and he replaces it with peace of mind. He gives us the option of an anxiety free life! That's way better than just "being disappointed" with us!

So the next time you have a friend who just needs you to listen to their problems, sympathize with them and "be disappointed," go ahead a wallow a little bit--because all women need a little understanding. Then point them to Jesus. Remind them that He can take their burdens. Whisper to them the truths of our great God. He has not forgotten them. And maybe Jesus will use you to help them get a glimpse of eternity, of the glorious future that is laid before us as children of the one true King. 

Benefits of beets, beet juice and beet kvass

I'm writing this post to further continue my last post that contained the beet kvass recipe. I didn't have time to explain the benefits of beets and lacto-fermentation. But I wanted to do that because beets are amazing little roots with so many health benefits. Many people think they don't like beets, but I wonder how many of those people haven't even tried them as adults!! And maybe once you find out all the nutrition in them, you may be less reluctant to "develop a taste." And, selfishly, I'm hoping to convince my husband to drink the kvass I've got brewing!! :)

Beets are pure medicine for the blood! They are a blood cleanser and blood alkalizer. They lower blood pressure and decrease the risk of blood clots because they are converted to nitric acid in the body which works as a vasodilator. This means they actually help blood vessels open allowing blood and oxygen to flow more smoothly! Pretty impressive, I'd say!

Beets are also a liver cleanser--a perfect tonic, you might say. Beet Kvass is a good treatment for kidney stones.

Our family has enjoyed beets for years. Well, enjoyed may be too strong of a words for the other members of my family. They have eaten them, but I definitely enjoy them!! I love to add them to my juicing regiment as well.

But when I recently learned about beet kvass and the lacto-fermentation of beets, I was intrigued. I know that fermented food acts as strong probiotics to produce good gut flora--which is essential to a healthy lifestyle.

"Professor Zabel observed that sick people always lack digestive juices, not only during the acute phase of their illness but also for a longtime afterwards. In addition, he never saw a cancer victim that had a healthy intestinal flora....Thus, the different lacto-fermented foods are a valuable aid to the cancer patient. They are rich in vitamins and minerals and contain as well enzymes that cancer patients lack." ~~Annelies Schoneck Des Crudites Toute L'Annee  (Excerpt taken from Nourishing Traditions by Sally Fallon.)

Beet juice also contains quercetin, resveratrol, and other powerful antioxidants. Quercetin has been linked to supporting the immune system, clearing excess congestion, supporting bone health, and may aid in fighting mild allergy problems. My oldest son takes quercetin quite often during different times of the year. Quercetin and resveratrol are both polyphenols. Many scientists have realized that polyphenols are among the most effective natural agents for helping to prevent some of the chronic diseases of aging, including cardiovascular disease and neurodegenerative diseases—and perhaps for helping to slow the aging process itself.

So, after all of that, tell me you're not willing to even try it??? Come on! What do you have to lose? It's some pretty powerful stuff. You are what you eat, remember? People don't say that so much anymore, but it's still just as true! 

*The difference between lacto-fermentation and regular fermentation is that lacto-fermenation produces lactic acid; whereas regular fermentation produces alcohol.*

Beet Kvass:My first batch

I recently found a recipe for beet kvass--a fermented beet drink. I'm so excited about this as beets have so much nutrition and tons of vitamins. To see the benefits of beets, fermentation and beet kvass, see this post.

Recipe:
2 quart jar with lid
3 medium beets, peeled and coarsely chopped
2 tsp of sea salt
2 tsp of whey (or just double the salt instead of using whey)
1 lemon sliced
Chopped ginger
Filtered water

Put all ingredients into jar and fill with filtered water. Leave on counter for at least 2 days. Longer for more fermentation. I'm planning to leave 2 days and test. But probably will leave 3. After you've got it like you want it, put it in the frige.

The original recipe I saw didn't have ginger or lemons. Someone suggested those. I was going to add tumeric as well. I thought I had some but I didn't.

The beet greens I'm looking forward to juicing when my juicer comes Monday!!! (Hopefully Monday!!)

Miscarriage and the hurts of life

No one was more surprised than me. No one.

As I watched that little blue line appear and get darker and darker, a feeling of complete disbelief washed over me. My heart beat faster, my breathing increased, and tears sprang to my eyes. My entire body was frozen and time stood still.

*How could this happen?*

I do know the answer to that. Believe me, I do. I know many people think it's cute and funny to ask parents of large families if they know "how this happens" but it's not original, and it gets old after awhile. So there. I'm just sayin'....

But in that moment in time I did wonder *how could this happen to us?*

We had been resolute in our decision not to have any more biological children and were taking the necessary steps to prevent that. So the question again....

I immediately shared my new surprise information with a trusted old friend. I just needed to have the confirmation that yes, this was a blessing! Of course I knew it was, but it always helps to hear it from someone else as well.

I knew what Jon's reaction would be so I waited to tell him. We were planning a trip to get away--just the two of us--for three days. I prepared to tell him then so that he would have plenty of time away from the stress of reality and every day life to let this news sink in.

In the meantime, my excitement grew. I had gotten rid of all my baby clothes, maternity clothes, baby "stuff" of all kinds. So I began to steal glances at all the tiny things I saw. Thoughts of "wearing" my baby again, as I always do when my babies are small, made me smile. Memories of my nose in soft, squishy, baby smelling necks washed over me and along with those came the anticipation of another precious bundle to hold and cuddle and enjoy. I knew my kids were going to be thrilled. And I knew that they were going to give this baby as much love and snuggle time as I was!!

Yes, this was a gift from heaven. An unplanned and unexpected gift. And I couldn't be happier.

Jon's reaction was about what I expected, but soon he too was excited at the prospect of another little blessing around here. The kids were over the moon and my girls went to sleep every night with thoughts of snuggling and cuddling and rocking their new baby dancing through their dreams. Everyone began making plans and thinking about sharing their room with the baby. Offers came from all the children, and each had their own idea of how to rearrange their furniture to "fit" this new addition.

And then the unexpected happened. My body seemed to be a pregnancy machine, well oiled and working. Somehow it didn't seem like the "odds" would catch up with me. But they did. 1 in 5 babies are miscarried. All of a sudden I was another statistic sitting in an Emergency Room talking with an OB whom I had never met. He was a compassionate man in his late 50's/ early 60's. Even after that many years of talking about miscarriage, he had tears in his eyes as he told me that this baby, this unexpected blessing, this unknown dream would never have life on this earth.

Over the few weeks before I had spent countless amounts of time praying for this baby, giving this baby over to God, acknowledging that Jesus held her* in his hands. I felt like I heard God over and over whispering two words.

"Trust Me."

But I've known Jesus for a long time, you see. And I know that when God says, "Trust Me" that doesn't always mean things are going to turn out like I want them to. But what I do know is that I can trust him. I can trust him because He does, in fact, hold everything in his hands. The old Spiritual song "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" is one of the truest, simplest doctrines there is. And because of that, because he really does have the whole world in his hands, I can trust him.

Yes, I have cried and I have hurt. I won't deny that. My children have cried and hurt as well. And even my practical husband, who didn't know how we could make this happen when I first told him, got his world rocked that day in the hospital. My baby that I already had so many plans for was gone.

I found myself not wanting to see anyone or respond to texts or messages or email. I appreciated every one of them immensely. I felt the body of Christ in a huge way. I felt loved in a way that I hadn't before. And that was wonderful. But I just wanted to cocoon up with my "little" family and mourn. I needed to be with my children. I needed to cry with my husband. And I did those things.

I can't claim to know how every woman who has had a miscarriage feels. Over the few days after it happened when I saw a pregnant woman or a new baby, my heart was sad thinking about "what could've been" over the next few months. But I've had that before. I've had five wonderful pregnancies and six beautiful, healthy children. Who am I to ask for more? My heart ached for the women who experience this and yet have no children to comfort them as they mourn, no little voices to fill the empty void with the sound of the word, "Mommy." I can't even begin to comprehend.

I came into this hard experience from a place of fullness. To say my life is full is almost an understatement. I love my life. I love what I do. I was made to be a mommy--God confirms that in me over and over. So even though this was hard, I have had so many people praying for me, loving me through this, speaking words of encouragement and faith into my life. I have had my strong husband who was softened by this experience. I have had my precious children who have spoken their hurts, cried when they needed to and asked the hard questions. And I have had sweet friends who expected nothing from me and let me be me--crying when I needed to and also laughing as well.

No, I can't claim to understand other people's pain. I can't even fathom the feelings of the woman who finds out she will never have a baby come forth from her womb.  I can't claim to understand the pain of the woman who continues to lose baby after baby from her body and struggles with thoughts that her body has failed her. And I can't imagine being the woman who watches the life slowly drain out of the body of her beloved child and wonders how she herself will ever take another breath without willing it to happen.

I have known all of these women. They are strong, beautiful women who have known the pain and the hurt that this life can bring. They've felt first hand the affects of sin on this world in a tangible way. But all of these women that I've known have also known Jesus. I may not have responded to them in the right way. I may not have known the right words. I may not have even said anything. But I know that Jesus has gotten all of them through it. And I know that even though my sadness is real, it can never compare to what so many people in this world endure.

My family knows an exciting truth. We know that one day we will see our little "Emmy," the child conceived in my womb who some would refer to as a "genetic mishap." My precious little girls have drawn pictures of the day that they will meet her. And even though it's brought floods of tears from me, it is healing for them as they anticipate that day. But even greater than that, on that day we will see our Savior and all the hurt and all the pain of this world will be erased. What a beautiful promise to look forward to as we serve our Sovereign God today.

*We did not know the sex of the baby for sure, but I felt just like I did when I was pregnant with the girls. My pregnancies have been very distinctly different betweens boys and girls so we have assumed this was a girl and named appropriately.*

When Facebook sucks

Over the years I've loved Facebook. It's been a way for me to keep in touch with my friends that I've moved away from or who have moved away from me throughout the years of my life. I've reconnected and rekindled relationships and formed new ones as well. Facebook can also be a great tool for spreading good news!! I've used it myself for that a few times.

But now I'm learning that it sucks when that good news turns to bad news, and you've shared it with all of your 800 or something friends. Yes, you can probably guess, we found out yesterday that we lost this precious baby. Without going into detail, I'll just tell you that (as you can imagine) our hearts are heavy and our emotions are raw. Our kids are dealing with this on a different level--the level of a child. They are all dealing in their own way, but they are grieving. My sweet Shepley cried for hours last night, as I knew she would. LH and Breck cried as well, but they bounced back faster. CJ just had lots of questions. Her five year old mind just can't quite comprehend this. She keeps saying, "I wish the baby was still in your tummy." *So do I, baby girl, so do I*

Jon and I are crushed as well. We had really gotten excited about the idea of another baby around here and seven children. It just seemed right and natural for us. It's one of those things that we just don't always know the answers to, and yet we know that it's all in the hands of our Savior.

We appreciate all of the texts and emails already from people who knew Friday that I was starting this and yesterday as we found out really what was happening. We know we are loved, and that's about the most important thing right now. Shepley told me she didn't want to go anywhere for a long time or see anyone. I told her I understood exactly how she felt.

I think Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to feel a little bit empty this year. I was so excited to think about having a brand new baby for the holidays. How fun that would be!! But those were not the plans for us.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."  ~Job 1:21