Giving up my Sanity

As the season of Lent is upon us, I feel very unprepared for it. This is the third year now that I've been in a church that talks about and celebrates Lent in a very meaningful way, and I've had the desire to participate the last two years. But this year I am worn down. This year I don't know what else I have to give.

I considered the big one--social media--again this year. I did that two years ago, and it was a great time of growing and dwelling with Jesus for me. But I quickly decided against it. With the adoption and hosting looming, Facebook is the only way I have to stay in touch with people who have become my "family" in all of this. No, this year, social media will stay in my life.

I thought about giving up some sort of food or fasting for a few days. I may still do that. One meal or even one whole day a week certainly wouldn't hurt me right now. But I tried a few weeks ago to start a new program by Beachbody, and I failed miserably. Just not my time right now with the busyness and stress in my life.

This morning I felt like God was saying, "I've asked you to give up, and you have. I asked you to be willing, and you have. You've given up time, money, emotion, and sanity!" That's what I want.

The past few days I've waffled between so many emotions. From excitement to questioning, from being sure that this is what we should do to wondering why I ever got into this. This is hard stuff. We want to give her a home. We want to love her and show her the love of a family that she's never known. And yet, she's never met us. She has to choose to come live with a family she's never met. Will she want to come to America, to freedom, to a better life so much that she's willing to trust these strangers--who will have just written her a few letters, sent a few pictures and tried to invest into her life from thousands of miles away? Not even to mention the fact that the country she is in is in political upheaval and could go to war any day. The news reports change every day. The country could be shut down. The airspace could be closed. Anything could happen.

It's crazy. It's reckless. And it certainly doesn't make sense.

I keep hearing in my head and in my heart,

"I never said it was going to be easy. I never said the Christian life was safe. I never said to make sure you had everything planned out for the future. I said to be willing. I said people were going to hate you and think you're crazy. I said it would be difficult. I said, "Deny yourself. Take up your cross, and follow me."

And so with that, with those words, I move forward. I keep running the race. I get one, two, three steps closer to finishing this home study to moving onto the next step. All the while, I question. All the while, I wonder, "How do I continue to give all of myself--time, money, energy, emotion--and still guard my heart so that it doesn't break in the end if she says, "no"? The answer is, "I don't."That's the conclusion I've come to. I can't. I can't give it all and still guard my heart. My heart will break if she says, "no."

And so I move forward with hope. I move forward trusting that the God who has called us this far will not leave us. I move forward with faith that he holds true to his promises that he has "a plan and a future" for us, and it is good. And I move forward with the knowledge that yes, my heart might be broken. She may say "no." We may lose a lot because of this. But I know with every fiber of my being that this is the road I'm supposed to be on. This is exactly where God wants me this Lent season.

Giving up my sanity.

Living with abandon

This past week life has played havoc with my heart. Most of you know that we hosted an orphan from Eastern Europe over Christmas. I don't think I've even written about that on here since the day before she came. I've thought about it, but I just couldn't get the words to come out right. It was just easier not to say anything. She is a part of our lives now forever. That will not change--whether she ends up permanently here or not.

We are friends with her on VK (a European FB of sorts) and we are also friends with some of her roommates. Jon and I both seemed to fall in love with one of the little girls in particular and thought about maybe hosting her this summer along with A. We felt like we could commit to adopting them both if that's what they chose, and we were happy with that. But that was in the future.

We found out last week that the other little girl will be 16 next month. It's at that age that the kids "age out" of adoption. They aren't able to be adopted anymore. Our hearts sank at the news, but we felt like we should go ahead and pursue it even though we had never met her and she had never met us!! We called the adoption agency and they put in a request last Friday to find out her availability. We still haven't gotten that answer back, but now we've found out more news. She has a sister. Her sister is 14. This would buy us time to adopt the older sister. But we found ourselves in a position of thinking about adopting 3 teenage, non-English speaking orphans who carry A LOT of baggage! Wow!! When you decide to step out for Jesus, he takes you places you never thought you would be.

I have never loved my husband more. I have seen him over the past six months go from someone I didn't think would consider even adopting again to someone who was totally willing to do what it takes to bring 3 teenage orphans into our home, making a grand total of 9 kids!! This weekend was full of prayers and long talks. It was full of rethinking plans and moving rooms and furniture around in our minds!! It was full of questions and anxious thoughts. In the end, there was peace. Because when you live in the middle of Jesus, he brings peace in all situations. 

Although my husband had a pretty easy time saying, "yes" to all these girls, (should they decide to come) I was the one that was having the harder time. All I want it is to live my life unabashedly for Jesus. I want to give him my whole heart. I want to say, "Do with my life what YOU will!" My true desire is for His Kingdom to come and rule my life on earth as it is in Heaven. So I don't want to make any excuses for not doing the hard stuff! All weekend those were my conflicting thoughts. 

"Jesus, you know my heart. You know I want to give it ALL to you. I don't want to hold anything back. I know orphans are close to your heart, and they are close to mine. I know you place the lonely in families, and I want our family to be your hands and feet. But, Jesus, at what point is it too much? At what point is there a place for practicality? Is there ever a place for it? Is there ever a time for just "being smart about things" or is that just a cop out? Another excuse? And yet, you've given me these six right now. You've called us to homeschool. That's not an easy task, and it gets harder every year. I don't want to cheat them. Yes, I know the experience of serving three of 'the least of these' is invaluable and yet is it worth not giving them what they need?"

Y'all, ALL WEEKEND! 

Back and forth. Back and forth. The Casting Crowns song "Somewhere in the Middle" kept playing over and over in my head. I don't want to live in the middle. I don't want to live between the hot and the cold. The lines of that song have always stuck with me: "Fearless warriors in the picket fence; Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense; Deep water faith in the shallow end. Are we caught in the middle?" That sums it up!!! Do I have reckless abandonment to Jesus and yet it's wrapped in common sense? Common sense doesn't play much of a role in the Christian faith. Do I have deep water faith but am I just staying in the shallow end? Am I training to be a fearless warrior and yet staying in my picket fence?? THIS is what I don't want. And yet, I'm not alone in this. I'm a mother of six. I manage and take care of a family of eight. I am the educator of these children as well. And that's what I've been called to do first.

So after lots of praying, talking to Jon and to some other friends who homeschool and also have a heart for adoption and orphans, I felt like I needed to take my cue from my kids. I was already feeling that. My girls, of course, were completely thrilled and on board. But for them it looked like sunshine and roses and every night's a slumber party!! My 10 year old was a little hesitant, but I think he would've gone along with it. My oldest thought we were out of our minds. He was totally on board with adopting one and maybe even two. But three???

God kept bringing to mind that it's my son's Senior year next year. It's his last year at home. There are lots of things that I am called to do as a mom of a Senior to help him get ready for college. There are lots of plans that we've made as a family to spend that last year as well as we can together!! I owe it to him to be present. I owe it to him to be completely here for him. He needs me even if he doesn't think he does! And if he thinks we're insane for adopting 3 girls, I don't want the affects of that on his last year here.

And so, it's with peace that we've decided we will not be pursuing adoption of 3 teenage Eastern European orphans. Jon was pretty disappointed. I could tell. I think he already had the plan in his mind of exactly how things were going to work. I'm thankful. I'm thankful that God has worked in his heart in ways I could never imagine. I'm thankful to be able to testify to the fact that about two years ago I started praying that God would "break his heart for the things that break God's." He's as shocked as anyone at this change in himself. ;) I'm thankful that the way he wants to spend our 20th anniversary trip is not going to Italy, like we once planned; but instead traveling to Eastern Europe to work in orphanages and pouring out ourselves and our resources into the children that society has thrown away. I'm thankful that he wants to give them Jesus in every way.

We will still pursue adoption of A. We will pursue as long as it takes until she says "no" or the adoption doors are closed. There is a possibility of hosting her for 8 weeks this summer instead of only 5. We are thrilled!!! We are focusing on that right now. We are focusing on making her part of our family and continuing to show her Jesus. Maybe one day we will feel the nudge again to pursue another orphan. I have the feeling that we will. I have the feeling that this isn't going away! But for now, I can know that I am living with abandon to Jesus. I want to give it all. And I've got the best opportunity in the world to serve him right here in my home EVERY day.

And we will continue to help change the world, one orphan at a time.