Miscarriage and the hurts of life

No one was more surprised than me. No one.

As I watched that little blue line appear and get darker and darker, a feeling of complete disbelief washed over me. My heart beat faster, my breathing increased, and tears sprang to my eyes. My entire body was frozen and time stood still.

*How could this happen?*

I do know the answer to that. Believe me, I do. I know many people think it's cute and funny to ask parents of large families if they know "how this happens" but it's not original, and it gets old after awhile. So there. I'm just sayin'....

But in that moment in time I did wonder *how could this happen to us?*

We had been resolute in our decision not to have any more biological children and were taking the necessary steps to prevent that. So the question again....

I immediately shared my new surprise information with a trusted old friend. I just needed to have the confirmation that yes, this was a blessing! Of course I knew it was, but it always helps to hear it from someone else as well.

I knew what Jon's reaction would be so I waited to tell him. We were planning a trip to get away--just the two of us--for three days. I prepared to tell him then so that he would have plenty of time away from the stress of reality and every day life to let this news sink in.

In the meantime, my excitement grew. I had gotten rid of all my baby clothes, maternity clothes, baby "stuff" of all kinds. So I began to steal glances at all the tiny things I saw. Thoughts of "wearing" my baby again, as I always do when my babies are small, made me smile. Memories of my nose in soft, squishy, baby smelling necks washed over me and along with those came the anticipation of another precious bundle to hold and cuddle and enjoy. I knew my kids were going to be thrilled. And I knew that they were going to give this baby as much love and snuggle time as I was!!

Yes, this was a gift from heaven. An unplanned and unexpected gift. And I couldn't be happier.

Jon's reaction was about what I expected, but soon he too was excited at the prospect of another little blessing around here. The kids were over the moon and my girls went to sleep every night with thoughts of snuggling and cuddling and rocking their new baby dancing through their dreams. Everyone began making plans and thinking about sharing their room with the baby. Offers came from all the children, and each had their own idea of how to rearrange their furniture to "fit" this new addition.

And then the unexpected happened. My body seemed to be a pregnancy machine, well oiled and working. Somehow it didn't seem like the "odds" would catch up with me. But they did. 1 in 5 babies are miscarried. All of a sudden I was another statistic sitting in an Emergency Room talking with an OB whom I had never met. He was a compassionate man in his late 50's/ early 60's. Even after that many years of talking about miscarriage, he had tears in his eyes as he told me that this baby, this unexpected blessing, this unknown dream would never have life on this earth.

Over the few weeks before I had spent countless amounts of time praying for this baby, giving this baby over to God, acknowledging that Jesus held her* in his hands. I felt like I heard God over and over whispering two words.

"Trust Me."

But I've known Jesus for a long time, you see. And I know that when God says, "Trust Me" that doesn't always mean things are going to turn out like I want them to. But what I do know is that I can trust him. I can trust him because He does, in fact, hold everything in his hands. The old Spiritual song "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" is one of the truest, simplest doctrines there is. And because of that, because he really does have the whole world in his hands, I can trust him.

Yes, I have cried and I have hurt. I won't deny that. My children have cried and hurt as well. And even my practical husband, who didn't know how we could make this happen when I first told him, got his world rocked that day in the hospital. My baby that I already had so many plans for was gone.

I found myself not wanting to see anyone or respond to texts or messages or email. I appreciated every one of them immensely. I felt the body of Christ in a huge way. I felt loved in a way that I hadn't before. And that was wonderful. But I just wanted to cocoon up with my "little" family and mourn. I needed to be with my children. I needed to cry with my husband. And I did those things.

I can't claim to know how every woman who has had a miscarriage feels. Over the few days after it happened when I saw a pregnant woman or a new baby, my heart was sad thinking about "what could've been" over the next few months. But I've had that before. I've had five wonderful pregnancies and six beautiful, healthy children. Who am I to ask for more? My heart ached for the women who experience this and yet have no children to comfort them as they mourn, no little voices to fill the empty void with the sound of the word, "Mommy." I can't even begin to comprehend.

I came into this hard experience from a place of fullness. To say my life is full is almost an understatement. I love my life. I love what I do. I was made to be a mommy--God confirms that in me over and over. So even though this was hard, I have had so many people praying for me, loving me through this, speaking words of encouragement and faith into my life. I have had my strong husband who was softened by this experience. I have had my precious children who have spoken their hurts, cried when they needed to and asked the hard questions. And I have had sweet friends who expected nothing from me and let me be me--crying when I needed to and also laughing as well.

No, I can't claim to understand other people's pain. I can't even fathom the feelings of the woman who finds out she will never have a baby come forth from her womb.  I can't claim to understand the pain of the woman who continues to lose baby after baby from her body and struggles with thoughts that her body has failed her. And I can't imagine being the woman who watches the life slowly drain out of the body of her beloved child and wonders how she herself will ever take another breath without willing it to happen.

I have known all of these women. They are strong, beautiful women who have known the pain and the hurt that this life can bring. They've felt first hand the affects of sin on this world in a tangible way. But all of these women that I've known have also known Jesus. I may not have responded to them in the right way. I may not have known the right words. I may not have even said anything. But I know that Jesus has gotten all of them through it. And I know that even though my sadness is real, it can never compare to what so many people in this world endure.

My family knows an exciting truth. We know that one day we will see our little "Emmy," the child conceived in my womb who some would refer to as a "genetic mishap." My precious little girls have drawn pictures of the day that they will meet her. And even though it's brought floods of tears from me, it is healing for them as they anticipate that day. But even greater than that, on that day we will see our Savior and all the hurt and all the pain of this world will be erased. What a beautiful promise to look forward to as we serve our Sovereign God today.

*We did not know the sex of the baby for sure, but I felt just like I did when I was pregnant with the girls. My pregnancies have been very distinctly different betweens boys and girls so we have assumed this was a girl and named appropriately.*

Pence Amendment to H.R. 1

I usually don't post about a lot of political things. The truth is, I don't keep up with politics too well these days. That's not because I don't care. Actually, it's the opposite. I care a little too much, and I get a little obsessed. Back during the 2008 Presidential election, I was very involved. I got my kids involved, and I just really believed in my heart that there was no way America could elect an inexperienced community leader whose birth origin was actually in question. But we did. In the whirlwind of 2009 and all the things that Obama brought about (and continues to) I became quite depressed at the state of our country. My husband has asked me to please stay away from all things political for the betterment of our family. :) I am in agreement!! My life has been much happier and blissful in my current state of ignorance. I fully trust that my husband will inform me of things that I need to know! :) Now, please don't get me wrong. I don't mean this to say that I haven't continued to be involved in anything. I do email, write and call my senators and congressmen. I do have thoughts and ideas of my own about bills and laws that are being passed. I just choose not to let it rule my life these days! I'm an "all or nothing" kind of girl!

That being said, the ruling this week on the Pence Amendment (or #11) to H.R. 1 is something that I am passionate about. I am passionate about life--the life that starts at conception--each life that is God ordained and planned by Him. So I was, of course, in agreement with the Pence Amendment. This amendment essentially states that Planned Parenthood would lose federal funding. To most people who walk in my "circles" Planned Parenthood is a dirty little place that is summed up in one word--abortion. I realize, however, that there are other services performed. I know a couple of people personally who get their annual physical and pap done there. I know they conduct STD testing and a line of other women's services. These services also include handing out birth control like candy--whether the women are 14 or 40 years old. Among our "enlightened" culture today, I'm sure these things are usually seen as helpful to keep away unwanted pregnancies and the spread of STDs. Education is the answer, right? But PP is sending out the wrong education in my opinion. I realize that it's been a long time in our country since abstinence has actually been advocated on a large scale basis (besides anyone but the church) but I still believe that's the answer. No condom or birth control pill is 100% effective.

But even that is not what this post is really about. Obviously, with the passing of the Pence Amendment this week in the House, there has been a huge outcry from the Planned Parenthood community. Last night on Facebook, one of my friends had a "stand with PP" post in the newsfeed. It sparked my interest, and this morning I decided to do a little research to see what's going on out there with this passing. There are some heated debates going on. On the Planned Parenthood side, there is outrage that the government would take away funding for the poor women of our country to get access to healthcare. As much as I agree with the amendment, it is ironic that our country that just passed a universal healthcare law would now decide that women can't get it from PP. Their outcry is that it's not about abortion--it's about all the other services that are being taken out of the reaches of women who can't pay for them. They are crying "Hyde Amendment!" This amendment was brought to pass in 1976 to say that federal funding can not be used for abortions. Today, this has been amended several times and currently reads that abortions can only be federally funded in the cases of rape, incest or life threatening circumstances for the mother. Let me just take a minute here to say that these cases only make up <3% of abortions performed annually. If these were the only abortions in our country that we were having to deal with, it would be a different story. Now, I believe, as I stated earlier that every life has meaning and is planned by God. But I'm just saying that if the real "hard" cases were the only ones to deal with--this whole thing wouldn't be where it is.

Now, looking at the people on the other side of the argument--which is where I stand, obviously. We don't agree with Planned Parenthood on any level. That's just how it is. We don't segregate their services to say "some are okay so they need federal funding for those." No, there's nothing wrong with performing physicals and pap smears for under privileged women. That's actually an honorable thing. But we cannot agree with handing out birth control to 14 year olds without parental consent or claiming "doctor/patient confidentiality" when performing STD testing on underage girls. Not even to mention the fact that their #1 source of billions of dollars a year is abortions. Yes, people, that's why they are here. You can dress it up and gloss it over as much as you want--but that's what PP is here for. I can promise you that if abortion was outlawed today, Planned Parenthoods all over the country would be closing their doors (after a big, long fight I'm sure) because the other services that they provide are just a drop in the bucket. They are definitely a nice little "cover-up" for people to stand behind when they stand on their side. They are a great little step stool in helping PP advocates get up on their high horses about how religious people just must not care about the unfortunate of our society. And they are a great way for PP to get uninformed citizens to stand behind them when laws like this are making their way through the government. But there's no doubt that it's all about the money that's brought in from abortions--and it's not those <3% cases of rape, incest or life threatening situations.

That's why we, as Christians, have to stand behind the Pence Amendment. God's word is very clear--murder is wrong. And science is also just as clear--life begins at conception. That's not even what the debate is anymore. Abortionists used to be able to get away with that--telling moms it was just a cluster of cells like a blackberry. But we know too well now. We know that the heart starts beating at 3 weeks gestation, before most women even know they are pregnant. We can see babies moving in the womb as early as 7 weeks. By 12 weeks, babies have every system of the body functioning (which, by the way, is how scientists prove whether something is actually alive or not.) No, that's not the argument anymore. In our enlightened day and age the argument comes down to "Whose life and happiness is more important--the mother or the baby's?"

Planned Parenthood is making billions off of uneducated, non-counseled, desperate women every year. They are shuffling women out the back door after an abortion so that the women coming in can't see their pain. They are exploiting minors and helping out pimps and sex traffickers (Have you seen the under cover youtube videos that are in state governments under review all over our country?) and we cannot support any law that would give any of our tax dollars to them.

Birth Plans--Are they worth it?

I’ve heard different takes on birth plans. I know some mamas are all about them–have them written out during the first trimester and want their doctor to sign and seal them with blood! On the other hand, I hear from some nurses that no one even pays attention to them. I tend to fall somewhere in the middle. I mean, having your doctor sign your birth plan does not in any way INSURE that you will have the birth that you planned! Any sort of a complication can arise that would mean a different turn from your plan–especially in a hospital with an OB. Let’s face it, a “complication” to an OB is not necessarily the same as a complication to a midwife. But that’s a different post…. Now, I also tend to disagree with the belief that no one pays attention to them at all. I think it makes a statement just in the fact that you have one. If you care enough to sit and think about what your desires and requests are in your labor and delivery and put them down on paper, then you should certainly be commended and recognized for that. Even if no one read it (which most certainly someone will) they would at least know that you have an idea about what you want out of your birth experience. That speaks volumes. That lets the OB and nurses know that you aren’t just going to passively sit or lie by and let them make all the decisions for you and your baby.

So, I do think it’s a good idea to have one. That being said, I think there are some guidelines you should follow.

1. Keep it short! Limit your plan to one page! Too many pages, and it’s more than likely that it will just get dropped in the trash and you will be labeled one of those high maintenance moms, and sadly, some nurses might try to see to it that you learn that things don’t always go as you planned. A one page birth plan is very reasonable, and most nurses will be happy to read through it and, as I said above, realize that you are taking an active role in your labor.
2. Only focus on the things that are truly the most important to you!Make sure that you think about THE most important thing to you and make that #1 on your list!! After that, go down in descending order of what’s important. You may have to give a little on certain things so make sure you think about the things that you truly don’t want to give on.
3. Keep it positive! Don’t start your sentences with “I won’t do ….” Try to state it positively. For example, “If my labor stalls, I would like to try natural ways to help it along and would like to discuss any use of synthetics before they are administered” instead of “I do not want pitocin!”
4. Take it into your appt. with your OB (around 37-38 weeks) and have him/her sign it! No, it still doesn’t insure that it will all happen exactly like that, but at least you’ll be able to show your nurse when you go in during labor that your doctor has seen it and agreed to it. It’s also a way for your partner to hold your OB accountable if things start to get a little crazier than your comfortable with.
5. Be Flexible!! This is the most important part when you are birthing in a hospital! When you decided on your OB, you decided to play on their turf. Yes, you certainly still have rights. I’m not saying that!! But there will be some things that may not work exactly as planned or go as smoothly. That’s okay. If you go into it knowing this–and knowing that you did as much as you could to get the birth experience you wanted–you should still be relatively satisfied with your time there.

Now, here are some examples of things that you might want to include in your birth plan. This is certainly not an exhaustive list nor do you need to put everyone of these things on there!! Some of these might be very important to you–others not so much. These are in no order of relevance to anything! You need to think about what you really want and then decide how to put your own plan together. I did not take the time to make these all in a “positive” statement here.  Just giving you ideas to think about.

• Intermittent monitoring (instead of continual fetal monitoring)–once you are on a continual monitor, you are very constrained to a certain area and unable to do a lot of moving around which is what we want to do in labor!!
• Allowance to get in the bath/shower (this will depend on the facility and OB)
• Eating during labor It’s crazy to think that we should go through one of the hardest physical activities of our lives with no nutrition (even if it lasts 24+ hours) but that’s exactly what OBs expect. Get some facts and talk to yours!
• Using natural ways to boost a “stalled” labor Nipple stimulation (whether manually, by a partner, or with a breast pump) is one of the best way to boost your natural oxytocin levels.
• No pitocin or labor inducing drugs
• No epidural or medicated pain relief
• Limited (or no) vaginal exams
• No episiotomy
• Allowance of a birthing ball (during labor) and a birthing bar (while pushing)
• Allowance to push in whatever position feels “right”
• No “purple pushing” (Pushing while holding your breath to the count of 10–can burst blood vessels and really wears you out. Ask to push as your body tells you–I promise, IT WILL!!)
• Wait until cord stops pulsing to clamp
• Do not pull the placenta–wait for it to detach on it’s own
• Allow skin to skin contact immediately with baby
• Allow nursing as soon as mom and baby want after birth (This also helps uterus tighten up and prevents hemorrhaging)
• Do not take baby right away to weigh, clean up, etc.
• No Vitamin K shot; no Hep B shot (baby)
• No erythromycin in the eyes (baby)
• Do not clean vernix off of baby’s skin (This is the white, protective coating that baby has had on his/her skin in utero to keep the skin protected from being in water for nine months. Keeping it on for up to a day after birth has been shown to continue to protect from new outside things as well. Plus, it helps keep their skin very soft. It’s helpful to just softly rub it into baby’s skin over the first day.)
• Rooming-in only!
• No bottles or pacifiers

Like I said, this list is not exhaustive. If you can think of something else that’s been important to you in birth, please share it in the comments and I’ll include it in the list!