Be Disappointed!!

This morning as I was getting ready in my bathroom, Cama-Jane walked in and complained, "Netflix isn't working again!" I said, "I'm sorry." She repeated herself, this time a little more whiny and demanding, "Netflix isn't WORKING!" Once again I said, "I'm sorry," and added, "I can't fix it." She raised her voice another couple of octaves and emphatically yelled, "NETFLIX ISN'T WORKING!!!" I stopped what I was doing, looked at her, and once again said, "I'm sorry. I can't fix it. What do you want me to do??" With furrowed brows and fists clenched tightly, she stomped her foot, looked up at me and loudly squeaked, "Be disappointed!"

Ahhhh, be disappointed....

Isn't that just what we all want sometimes? Someone to just be disappointed with us? Someone to feel some sympathy? Wallow in our pain for a bit? This is what husbands are usually so bad at!! We tell them a problem, and they want to fix it, and they think that's what we're wanting too! (Just like I assumed CJ wanted me to.) Sometimes, just like my daughter, we know there's nothing that can be done as a "quick fix." We just have to wait it out, but in the meantime it's nice to have someone down in the pit just to understand, just to sympathize, just to be disappointed with you! 

(Don't get me wrong. I'm not bashing husbands!! No, this is not a place for that. They are awesome when we really need the answers to "how to fix it!!" But that's for another day.)

I think Jesus understood this. In Matthew 28:11 he says, "Come to me, all who are weak and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Could Jesus fix our problems?? Of course he could. It's kind of his specialty! But that's not the help he offers here. He just says, I know you need someone to rest in. You are tired. You are weary. Life stinks right now. I'll take your disappointments, ease them, and give you a glimpse of eternity where they won't matter anymore!" 

Do I think Jesus wants us to wallow in self pity or guilt or sorrow? No!! He offers more than just a listening ear. He may not give a solution right away, but he gives something even better. He gives us the gift of rest. He offers to take it all away. He takes away the worry, and he replaces it with peace of mind. He gives us the option of an anxiety free life! That's way better than just "being disappointed" with us!

So the next time you have a friend who just needs you to listen to their problems, sympathize with them and "be disappointed," go ahead a wallow a little bit--because all women need a little understanding. Then point them to Jesus. Remind them that He can take their burdens. Whisper to them the truths of our great God. He has not forgotten them. And maybe Jesus will use you to help them get a glimpse of eternity, of the glorious future that is laid before us as children of the one true King. 

Miscarriage and the hurts of life

No one was more surprised than me. No one.

As I watched that little blue line appear and get darker and darker, a feeling of complete disbelief washed over me. My heart beat faster, my breathing increased, and tears sprang to my eyes. My entire body was frozen and time stood still.

*How could this happen?*

I do know the answer to that. Believe me, I do. I know many people think it's cute and funny to ask parents of large families if they know "how this happens" but it's not original, and it gets old after awhile. So there. I'm just sayin'....

But in that moment in time I did wonder *how could this happen to us?*

We had been resolute in our decision not to have any more biological children and were taking the necessary steps to prevent that. So the question again....

I immediately shared my new surprise information with a trusted old friend. I just needed to have the confirmation that yes, this was a blessing! Of course I knew it was, but it always helps to hear it from someone else as well.

I knew what Jon's reaction would be so I waited to tell him. We were planning a trip to get away--just the two of us--for three days. I prepared to tell him then so that he would have plenty of time away from the stress of reality and every day life to let this news sink in.

In the meantime, my excitement grew. I had gotten rid of all my baby clothes, maternity clothes, baby "stuff" of all kinds. So I began to steal glances at all the tiny things I saw. Thoughts of "wearing" my baby again, as I always do when my babies are small, made me smile. Memories of my nose in soft, squishy, baby smelling necks washed over me and along with those came the anticipation of another precious bundle to hold and cuddle and enjoy. I knew my kids were going to be thrilled. And I knew that they were going to give this baby as much love and snuggle time as I was!!

Yes, this was a gift from heaven. An unplanned and unexpected gift. And I couldn't be happier.

Jon's reaction was about what I expected, but soon he too was excited at the prospect of another little blessing around here. The kids were over the moon and my girls went to sleep every night with thoughts of snuggling and cuddling and rocking their new baby dancing through their dreams. Everyone began making plans and thinking about sharing their room with the baby. Offers came from all the children, and each had their own idea of how to rearrange their furniture to "fit" this new addition.

And then the unexpected happened. My body seemed to be a pregnancy machine, well oiled and working. Somehow it didn't seem like the "odds" would catch up with me. But they did. 1 in 5 babies are miscarried. All of a sudden I was another statistic sitting in an Emergency Room talking with an OB whom I had never met. He was a compassionate man in his late 50's/ early 60's. Even after that many years of talking about miscarriage, he had tears in his eyes as he told me that this baby, this unexpected blessing, this unknown dream would never have life on this earth.

Over the few weeks before I had spent countless amounts of time praying for this baby, giving this baby over to God, acknowledging that Jesus held her* in his hands. I felt like I heard God over and over whispering two words.

"Trust Me."

But I've known Jesus for a long time, you see. And I know that when God says, "Trust Me" that doesn't always mean things are going to turn out like I want them to. But what I do know is that I can trust him. I can trust him because He does, in fact, hold everything in his hands. The old Spiritual song "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" is one of the truest, simplest doctrines there is. And because of that, because he really does have the whole world in his hands, I can trust him.

Yes, I have cried and I have hurt. I won't deny that. My children have cried and hurt as well. And even my practical husband, who didn't know how we could make this happen when I first told him, got his world rocked that day in the hospital. My baby that I already had so many plans for was gone.

I found myself not wanting to see anyone or respond to texts or messages or email. I appreciated every one of them immensely. I felt the body of Christ in a huge way. I felt loved in a way that I hadn't before. And that was wonderful. But I just wanted to cocoon up with my "little" family and mourn. I needed to be with my children. I needed to cry with my husband. And I did those things.

I can't claim to know how every woman who has had a miscarriage feels. Over the few days after it happened when I saw a pregnant woman or a new baby, my heart was sad thinking about "what could've been" over the next few months. But I've had that before. I've had five wonderful pregnancies and six beautiful, healthy children. Who am I to ask for more? My heart ached for the women who experience this and yet have no children to comfort them as they mourn, no little voices to fill the empty void with the sound of the word, "Mommy." I can't even begin to comprehend.

I came into this hard experience from a place of fullness. To say my life is full is almost an understatement. I love my life. I love what I do. I was made to be a mommy--God confirms that in me over and over. So even though this was hard, I have had so many people praying for me, loving me through this, speaking words of encouragement and faith into my life. I have had my strong husband who was softened by this experience. I have had my precious children who have spoken their hurts, cried when they needed to and asked the hard questions. And I have had sweet friends who expected nothing from me and let me be me--crying when I needed to and also laughing as well.

No, I can't claim to understand other people's pain. I can't even fathom the feelings of the woman who finds out she will never have a baby come forth from her womb.  I can't claim to understand the pain of the woman who continues to lose baby after baby from her body and struggles with thoughts that her body has failed her. And I can't imagine being the woman who watches the life slowly drain out of the body of her beloved child and wonders how she herself will ever take another breath without willing it to happen.

I have known all of these women. They are strong, beautiful women who have known the pain and the hurt that this life can bring. They've felt first hand the affects of sin on this world in a tangible way. But all of these women that I've known have also known Jesus. I may not have responded to them in the right way. I may not have known the right words. I may not have even said anything. But I know that Jesus has gotten all of them through it. And I know that even though my sadness is real, it can never compare to what so many people in this world endure.

My family knows an exciting truth. We know that one day we will see our little "Emmy," the child conceived in my womb who some would refer to as a "genetic mishap." My precious little girls have drawn pictures of the day that they will meet her. And even though it's brought floods of tears from me, it is healing for them as they anticipate that day. But even greater than that, on that day we will see our Savior and all the hurt and all the pain of this world will be erased. What a beautiful promise to look forward to as we serve our Sovereign God today.

*We did not know the sex of the baby for sure, but I felt just like I did when I was pregnant with the girls. My pregnancies have been very distinctly different betweens boys and girls so we have assumed this was a girl and named appropriately.*

When Facebook sucks

Over the years I've loved Facebook. It's been a way for me to keep in touch with my friends that I've moved away from or who have moved away from me throughout the years of my life. I've reconnected and rekindled relationships and formed new ones as well. Facebook can also be a great tool for spreading good news!! I've used it myself for that a few times.

But now I'm learning that it sucks when that good news turns to bad news, and you've shared it with all of your 800 or something friends. Yes, you can probably guess, we found out yesterday that we lost this precious baby. Without going into detail, I'll just tell you that (as you can imagine) our hearts are heavy and our emotions are raw. Our kids are dealing with this on a different level--the level of a child. They are all dealing in their own way, but they are grieving. My sweet Shepley cried for hours last night, as I knew she would. LH and Breck cried as well, but they bounced back faster. CJ just had lots of questions. Her five year old mind just can't quite comprehend this. She keeps saying, "I wish the baby was still in your tummy." *So do I, baby girl, so do I*

Jon and I are crushed as well. We had really gotten excited about the idea of another baby around here and seven children. It just seemed right and natural for us. It's one of those things that we just don't always know the answers to, and yet we know that it's all in the hands of our Savior.

We appreciate all of the texts and emails already from people who knew Friday that I was starting this and yesterday as we found out really what was happening. We know we are loved, and that's about the most important thing right now. Shepley told me she didn't want to go anywhere for a long time or see anyone. I told her I understood exactly how she felt.

I think Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to feel a little bit empty this year. I was so excited to think about having a brand new baby for the holidays. How fun that would be!! But those were not the plans for us.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."  ~Job 1:21 

The Journey

If I have learned anything in these last few years it's that life is a real journey. Sometimes the journey is easy and light and fun! The Disneyworld vacation time of life!! Other times we trudge through muck and mud and all the yuckiness that goes with it. And then there are the dry desert times.

Through all of these times of our life we learn. Some learn better than others. That doesn't necessarily mean the rest of the journey is easier. It usually just means you can enjoy it more. Learning not only to "live through" but actually "find joy in" life's hard times is a gift--one that we should all seek to find.

I believe one way we find joy in the hard times is truly surrendering ourselves to God's will for our lives. I've got some stuff going on right now that I can't talk about yet, and he is teaching me volumes about surrendering to his will and what that truly means.

About a year ago I blogged about a song that meant a lot to me. It's by Sidewalk Prophets. It's called "You can have me." I'm going to put the lyrics here again because they hit so close to home for me right now.

"If I saw you on the street, and you said, 'Come and follow me,'

But I had to give up everything--all I once held dear and all of my dreams.

Would I love you enough to let go?

Or would my love run dry when you asked for my life?

When did love become unmoving?

When did love become unconsuming?

Forgetting what the world has told me.

Father of Love, you can have me.

You can have me.

If you're all you claim to be then I'm not losing anything.

So I will crawl upon my knees just to know the joy of suffering. 

I will love you enough to let go.

Lord, I give you my life. I give you my life!!

When did love become unmoving?

When did love become unconsuming?

Forgetting what the world has told me.

Father of Love, you can have me.

You can me.

I wanna be where you are.

I'm running into your arms.

And I will never look back

So, Jesus, here is my heart!

When did love become unmoving?

When did love become unconsuming?

Forgetting what the world has told me.

Father of Love, you can have me.

My Father, my Love, you can have me."

~Sidewalk Prophets

"You can have me"

These Simple Truths (album)

As I'm struggling through something right now, this spoke in a huge way to me yesterday. This is one of those songs that you can sing along to no big deal--until something happens and God is really asking you to give him your everything. We THINK we give him everything all the time. Then when he really asks, we see how much we hold back.

He's been teaching me that everyone has their own cross to bear in this life, and that they are all different. My cross doesn't look like anyone else's. Sometimes other people's look like styrofoam compared to mine. But then it's not too hard to look around and see others struggling to even stand or crawl under the weight of theirs. It's not for me to judge or tell God what cross I want. He only tells us "Take up your cross and follow me." (Luke 9:23) Right before he says that, he tells us to deny ourselves. That's part of it. 

Denying ourselves can mean so many things. For some, it may mean physically denying food or comforts. For others it may mean denying the easy life. It's as individual as knowing what stands in the way between us and God (our idols) and denying ourselves those things so that we can walk more closely with him and look more like him. Sometimes he sends things into our lives to "help" us deny ourselves a little more. Those things can be tough to take. 

But even though I'm learning what it means to deny myself right now, to take up my cross, to follow him daily--I'm choosing joy in the journey. And when I'm able to share what's going on in my life right now, it will be with a joyful heart that has hopefully comes to grips with what it's going to take to continue to follow my Jesus unabashedly!

Convictions

So if you read my post earlier this week, you know that I'm going through some "stuff" right now. It's not even something that I really know how to put into words. But after reading in King's Cross by Tim Keller this week that Jesus is both the "rest" and the "storm" juxtaposed, it made perfect sense in my life. He is definitely bringing the storm and starting to show me some of the reasons for that, but he also my perfect rest--the only place I will get rest.

After much prayer, talking with friends and soul searching, I felt the Holy Spirit yesterday really leading me to some places. The first place was my own selfishness. Surprise, surprise! I have been convicted over the last couple of weeks that I'm not nearly as self sacrificing with my youngest children as I was with my older ones at this age. Just because I've been doing this for 16 years is no excuse for giving up now! My little ones certainly can't help it that they were born in this birth order. I'm usually pretty patient with Cedar. It's my little girls that I get frustrated with.

And so it was on Sunday. I'm just going to be brutally honest here and hope that it helps someone!! I'm sick of reading blogs and feeling guilty about not being the moms and wives that they are. So I'm really hoping that someone will take read mine and go, "Hey, I'm not nearly as bad as her!" :)  So Sunday.....

You see in church, my 5 and 8 year old little girls always have to sit on either side of me before they leave for Children's Church. I used to NEVER send my kids to Children's Church past age 5, but Shepley changed all of that for me. I'm not nearly as self righteous as I used to be about that! ;) But my girls are not content just to sit beside me. Cama-Jane especially needs my attention constantly. She's loud and disruptive and, if truth be told, embarrasses me totally during church. (I know, I know. I'm wrong. Told you that you would feel good about yourself!) So Sunday we were singing some songs that I REALLY love and really needed to sing and worship. Cama-Jane just wouldn't leave me alone. So there I was, feeling all frustrated because I couldn't worship--yet again--the way I wanted. For years it's been this way. So Sunday I couldn't sing at all because my heart was so NOT in the right place. So I left. I left for many reasons but the main one being self-pity for sure.

I'm telling you, it's not pretty, people. Looking at my yucky, sinful, selfish heart. It's not pretty. Here I was blaming my hurt on my 5 year old. So all of y'all who think I'm a good mom, you'll have to go find another supermom to look at! Because you just lost this one! :)

For a few days I pondered this. I pondered my feelings of loneliness (that I do think are valid, but still lie in self pity) and I prayed. So yesterday the Holy Spirit showed me, oh so lovingly, that maybe my child was acting out of a need for time with me. That's hard to admit. Because that's what I do. I am with my kids all the time. But looking down deep, do I resent that? Do I resent that she is sometimes hard to take because she demands so much of me?

She is scared ALL THE TIME. She has always had this heart of fearfulness. I used to be very moved by this. I prayed for her all the time. I prayed with her. But as time has gone on, it has worn on me. She needs me to go to the bathroom with her every.single.time. She's 5 1/2 years old. I have six children. That is is tough thing. She's scared to go by herself. Is she manipulating me? I don't know. I really haven't known what to do. I do know that she has wet her pants (and the couch) before because I wasn't around to go with her. So there's got to be something there. She can't go up the stairs by herself either. I have to go with her if no one is up there. So lately, I think I've been resentful of how much time I spend doing things with her that seem ridiculous.

I have told Jon that if someone could be "loved to death" I would be dead--from Cama-Jane's love. She just can't get enough of me. She wants ME to put her to bed, read her books, etc. etc. every night. She never wants Jon to do it. She wants me every second of every day. So Sunday, I guess I just snapped.

But as I said, the Holy Spirit started working on my heart yesterday. He moved me toward her in a way I hadn't felt in awhile. After lunch, I went and sat with her on the couch where she was watching TV and I wrapped her up in my arms. She of course, joyfully succumbed to me and was in heaven just sitting with me. After her show was over, we turned off the TV, read books, sang songs and laughed together. I read her books before bed last night with a better attitude than I have in a long time. Today when I did her school work with her, I was much more intentional. I made time for more reading (which she is loving) and added a new book with her--just for her.

I've also felt very convicted of using a harsh tone with her. She seems to have a snapping tone towards everyone else. Hmmm, wonder where she gets that? So that's changing with me as well.

Jesus has turned my heart back towards my sweet Cama-Jane. Oh how I love that child! She has the sweetest heart. She's so quick to forgive. She loves her little brother so much. She encourages him in all that he does. She's an eager learner and wants to please.

So I don't know what God will dig out of me next. I'm sure it won't be pretty either!! But I'm so thankful that he can restore relationships and bind hearts together once more. I'm looking forward to better relationships with all my children in days to come. Hopefully they will see God getting the selfishness of this mama out of the way to clear the path of true and right relationships with them!!

Worn

I heard a song on the radio for the first time (that I noticed anyway) about a week ago. I was driving to the gym one night because it was the only way I could escape what was going on at my house--LIFE! I kind of forgot about it until today. 

Today, when I started sobbing in church again for about the 4th straight Sunday, I left. I left before the sermon and even before most of the liturgy or anything else. I went to my car (which was three blocks away of course) and sat and cried. After awhile I turned on the radio. Before long, this song came on again. Wow. It speaks to me.

I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm worn. I feel that more on Sunday than any other day. I'm sure it's the enemy. But it's real all the same. I know where the answer is, and this song is so perfect because it speaks to the part of me that just says I can't even do that right now. Just being real here.

This is by Tenth Avenue North, and it's perfect for my life right now. (Bold and italics added by me.)

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Renewed passions

I started on my journey towards "all things natural" about 12 years ago when I first started researching home birth, water births, and things of the sort. That journey let me to have a home birth almost 10 years ago and then shortly after to chiropractic care. Through friends, acquaintances, the internet and other resources, I've hungrily taken in every bit of information I can get to learn more--some times of my life lending more easily to obtaining information than other times.

I've always been interested in essential oils and thought they had great healing properties. As you know, I love being able to take control of my own family's health. I love being proactive, and when sickness does creep in, I love having the knowledge of what to use to comfort them and help aid in their  healing. I do visit a medical doctor occasionally and may even get the prescribed antibiotics or whatever it is. I do this reservedly, knowing that the overuse of antibiotics is what has created all of these "superbugs" that take stronger and stronger antibiotics to get rid of. There are other things that have contributed as well, but I'm not going into those today!

I've used essential oils sparingly throughout the years. Gathering bits of information here and there, my favorites, as many know, have been peppermint, eucalyptus and lavender. I've used these for many things and have also used other oils like orange, ylang ylang, sage, rosemary, oregano, geranium and others. We use them for respiratory issues, calm and peace, anti viral and anti bacterial, stimulating contractions during labor, and even for getting rid of ticks on pets!! But recently, a friend has introduced me to a whole new world of essential oils. She sells doTERRA and has given me a couple of books. I was really interested in these oils because they are Certified Pure Therapeutic Grade (CPTG) and the plants are grown in their own natural environments.

I started using the On Guard when my friend gave a bottle back in October when I was in Naples. I was diffusing it throughout our living space, and not only did it make the house smell great, I really believe it protected us from all the flu that was going around in Knoxville. Everyone that we knew had gotten sick, and we had been around them. Then, of course, we went off for Christmas and didn't have our oils, and we all got sick!! :) Ha ha!!  But I ran out of the On Guard and wanted to get more. Lindsey thought that I should become a rep just so that I could buy my own stuff at wholesale.

While figuring out what I wanted to do and then deciding to go ahead and become a rep and then waiting on my shipment to come, my youngest was exposed to rotavirus somewhere and became ill this past Monday. Now, this is self diagnosing. I didn't take him anywhere. But he had all the symptoms. My 5 year old came down with it on Wednesday and then my 8 year old started throwing up last night. Oh the joy! But I was so excited when my oils came yesterday!!!

[disclaimer: I may get a bit descriptive here to be able to tell you what the oils did for me!!]

So Cedar threw up all day Monday and ran a low grade fever. Tuesday he seemed okay but was very tired and took a nap--which is sooooo not like him. Wednesday he started having major diarrhea (Which is when a friend suggested maybe rotavirus. I looked it up and it sure looked like it!) Without going into too much detail, at one point I had to change four diapers in 20 minutes. He couldn't keep anything in his tummy. It was like that all day Wednesday and Thursday until I got my oils. The oils came about 2 pm. I immediately rubbed some DigestZen (one of their blends that I had been waiting for) on his tummy and dabbed some frankincense on his feet. He hasn't had one bad diaper since. That is no lie or exaggeration! I was pumped. I also put some of both on Cama-Jane and Shepley. So far, Cama-Jane hasn't had any diarrhea. We'll see.

I also had Jon rub some of their DeepBlue on my back and shoulders last night for muscle aches. It definitely helped the soreness, but this morning I can tell that there is just something pinched or out in my back. A visit to the chiropractor is in order! It started this week so it must be from the rise in Cedar's need to be in my arms.

I'm so excited to learn more and use more oils! In listening to some of the information about them, I learned that oils (which are made out of plants--just like herbs) are 70% more effective in healing than herbs. I've used herbal remedies for years. And they do work--but yes, you have do be vigilant to do it a lot! Essential oils are so much more potent that it doesn't take much. And for the skeptics, there is even scientific research that says that essential oils DO work!! And from just what I've seen so far, there is definitely a difference in the potency between CPTG oils and off the shelf oils. I'm not knocking "off the shelf." I used them for years!! I just do think that the other is way more potent. I was seeing where it just said "use one or two drops." And I was thinking *one or two drops? that's nothing!* But after just seeing them work over the last day or so, I'm seeing how one or two drops is really all it takes. So they are much more cost effective in the end.

Not trying to make a sell or anything. I just like to share what I know because I know there are so many others out there beginning their journey or somewhere in the middle like I've been before. We can all learn from each other. And I love arming other moms with information to help them feel more able to care for their families in the ways that they choose.

The Perfect Mom

.....She lives across the street now. Yes, she does. I've had these moms in my life before but never in my face everyday! She would not be writing on her blog right now. No, her kids are home on spring break so she's spending every second with them. This is what she does. She one of those moms who is ALWAYS playing with her children. As soon as they get home from school, she's out playing soccer, baseball, playing legos inside, having them help in her garden....and the worst part is--she's got my kids over there wanting to do it too. They love her! She's perfect.

She never seems to think her kids are annoying. She seriously wants to spend every moment with them. She was telling me the other day that they are going to Disney in July and she has a scavenger hunt all planned out as a fun, creative way to tell them. As if going to Disney wasn't enough! She loves (at least that what she tells me) having my kids over--ALL THE TIME! And says, "Don't worry. I'll keep them out of your hair." REALLY? So you want to be with your kids all the time, but you think I'm such a bad mom that I don't? I really don't at all want you to feel like you need to keep my kids out of my hair! I chose this!!

And like I said, her children are constantly helping her plants flowers, weed her garden, etc. And my kids are right over there doing it with them. I've seen Liza-Hill over there plenty of times sitting right beside her, planting away, chatting it up. And that mom is perfectly happy with the company of a ten year old (who, honestly, sometimes can drive me a little batty with her incessant chatter!!)

It came to a head in my mind on Saturday. Jon and I were at Lowe's getting a new outdoor push broom. We left most of the kids home with Trand. When we drove up, all of them were helping across the street in the yard. I was going to do some planting as well so I went in to change my clothes. When I came out, she had all the kids in the back making water balloons and having the best time. I walked over to see if anyone wanted to help me with the flowers in our yard--no takers. I planted and cried. I did tell them that when it came time to weed the vegetable garden in the back (getting it ready for planting in a couple of weeks) that they all needed to come. They did--grudgingly. One of the boys across the street came too. His mom made him since my kids helped weed her garden so well.

I keep thinking, how does she have all this time to do these things? I mean, when my kids are playing outside, I need to be doing things inside--cleaning the house, laundry, preparing meals, planning lessons. The list is never ending and never seems to get accomplished! I've never been in her house. Maybe it's a wreck. Or maybe she's just as perfect at getting her kids to help with that in the few spare moments that they are inside. And you would think, "Oh, she can do those things when her kids are at school." That's what I used to think too. Then I found out that she works at her youngest son's preschool while he's there. So she's not home alone working on the house.

I tell myself other things to make myself feel better. She's only got two kids....she doesn't have a baby....she doesn't have to worry about their education....I'm with mine 24/7 so it's okay that I need a break when they go outside to play....None of these really makes me feel better though when I see them with her--the fun, perfect mom always ready to *keep my kids out of my hair.*

So yes, having a bit of a pity party today I guess. And trying to figure out what fun thing I can do that can still help me have the house in at least the same amount of disarray it was in before Jon left for work this morning--and not worse!

Digging for Grace

I don't know who's reading.....I don't have a big audience like some blogs do, and since I'm not on facebook right now, I'm not posting these. But I'll write for myself because I need to. I'll do it this morning amongst the chaos of kids running and Mickey Mouse Clubhouse singing to me. I'll do it even though I really should be getting school stuff together or at least taking a shower!!

But I feel like I need to write this morning because I need to share my heart. Compared to about 99% of the world, most of my life has been easy. If I've taken the time to look, I've been able to see God's grace stamped all over it. He was gracious to give me a wonderful husband, provider for our family, hard worker, loving father. He was gracious to give me six precious blessings from heaven. He was gracious to give me wonderful parents and then to plan for me to marry into a wonderful family as well. All these things are things that are very easily taken for granted and forgotten that they are all because of God's grace--it didn't have to be so.

These things haven't changed. I'm still benefitting from the graciousness of God through all these things. But I'm beginning to understand that God's grace doesn't always come in the nice, beautiful things that we see in our lives. I'm digging for grace these days. God's grace isn't always easy to see or recognize.

You know that wonderful husband that God was so gracious to give me....well, he has some faults to. :) I won't go into in detail here because of my respect and honor for him. But sometimes it's hard to see how those faults are "gracious" for me. But they are. There's another little thing that God does throughout our lives that shows his grace. It's a little word called sanctification. He is gracious enough to use those around us that we love (and sometimes those that we don't even know) to do this.

"And I am sure of this, that he who began a good work in you will bring it to completion at the day of Jesus Christ." ~Phil 1:6

Right now he's using a lot of things in my life to show me his grace and "bring me to completion." I'm digging for those things, believe me. I'm claiming his grace in the middle of the night when my precious little 4 and 7 year old blessings have woken me up for the 3rd, 4th, 5th time--in my bed, out of my bed, back in my bed, crying and waking the baby.....yes, sometimes it's hard to find the grace in these situations--so I'm digging! 


He is gracious when I get to the DMV to take my son to get his learner's license on his 15th birthday only to be told that I had to have a "school enrollment" form. (The kids are still enrolled in FL right now.) After my initial *government stay out of my business* rant, I realized that here I was right in the middle of God's grace as well. With my laid back attitude, I might have missed out on getting him into the umbrella school that we wanted.

He is gracious when I have to be creative to figure out how to make the grocery budget stretch enough to make it through the week. I haven't figured out all the grace in that one yet. :) But I know it's there. I really can figure out how, somewhere in my mind, I just don't want to have to think about it because it seems to be too much work. Once again....lots of sanctification!

So grace is overflowing. It's overflowing when I don't have the money for a cleaning lady (which, in my opinion, I really could use) because it gives me a chance to serve my family and teach my children how to care for our home and be in service as well. It's overflowing when I can't go to church and worship (and fellowship) for the 3rd or 4th week in a row because I get to sit at home with one or two children and focus on them--being together in some quality time alone for a couple of hours. It's overflowing when I'm woken up over and over in the night because I get to practice my own grace giving (and obviously I still need practice on that one because this continues to happen every night!)

I'm digging for grace in the everyday--in the mundane and sometimes the "pain in the butt" stuff that happens.

Lord, help me to see you and your grace in everything. Thank you for working in the everyday stuff to sanctify me and show yourself to me. 

40 days of Lent

Our family has never observed lent. This is a new one for us. To tell you the truth, my husband and I both thought it was more of a "Catholic" thing. Neither of us grew up in churches that said much about it. But the church we are in now follows the church calendar pretty closely. We went to our first Ash Wednesday service last week, and our whole family got ashes on our forehead. That made more of an impression on some than others. It actually made a huge impression on my 4 and 7 year olds. They've talked about it alot and it's brought on great discussion.

So since we're observing lent this year, I figured I should give something up. Isn't that what it's all about anyway? Sacrifice? Well, God had been working on my heart to give up Facebook for awhile. I couldn't really see giving up food. For me, that wouldn't have worked as the sacrifice that I needed to make--unless I gave up ALL food for 40 days he did. Yeah, I'm not ready for that yet!!

My kids have chosen to give up certain things as well. I'm most impressed with Shepley's sacrifice. After thinking for a couple of days, she decided to give up "art" (which translates into any coloring, drawing, painting, etc.) This is a huge part of her life, and when she first told me I almost said, "No, I don't think you need to do that." But the Holy Spirit help my tongue. I really think the Spirit was moving in her to lead her to this. She has struggled. She has been vocal with me about her desire to do it, but she wants to keep her promise to God. A couple of days ago, she came to me and said, "Mommy, I forgot! I forgot about lent and I colored something." She was heartbroken that she had broken her promise to God. Wow!! It gave me an opportunity to talk with her and tell her that that is what lent is all about. It's to show us that we CAN'T keep our promises to God!! We're incapable of just having a strong enough will to do it. It's about the fact that Jesus DID do it all. He kept his promises perfectly so that God sees us as perfect through him. I told her that the fact that she was so heartbroken and upset about breaking her promise was exactly what God wanted to see!! He wants a broken and contrite heart! What an example she was to me. I pray that her heart always stays that soft and desirous to live for him!

So for me, Facebook has been tough. I've been tempted to get on to see a picture or something. I also considered getting on long enough to just post this post on my blog. But I decided to do that after lent is over. I think it's been mostly tough because of being so far away from so many people that I love. It's my lifeline sometimes. I sat in church yesterday and cried and cried. Jon wasn't with me because Cedar had been sick, and he was home with him. I hadn't been able to go in a month so Jon let me go instead!! I sat in church and cried because I felt displaced. I felt like I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong in Naples anymore, but I don't yet feel like I belong here either. I think our church is doing great things here, but I'm not really sure that I belong there. I've never felt more lonely than I did yesterday sitting in church. Oh, it's not the church's fault. I'm not saying that. My 8 year old was totally acting up--really unlike him when he's with me. That brought on some of it. Just feeling the stares and judgements of the people behind me. If you have kids, you know how it is!! But at this church they don't just "shake hands" and say "Hello" at a certain point in the service. They celebrate community together. They laugh and talk and visit for a good five minutes or so. I've looked at that and loved that they do it. But it's hard when you don't feel a part of it. Part of me feels like I just haven't had the time to put into it what I need it.

But all of that to say that I started wondering if yesterday it hit me so hard because I haven't been on Facebook in five days. I haven't had my lifeline. Maybe that is what lent is all about. God wants us to give up our earthly lifelines and cling only to him. He showed me this clearly yesterday as tears were streaming down my face as we went up to take communion. He ministered to my soul--but I can't say I left there feeling whole. No, I think he probably has a lot more work to do. I'm not sure that I'm ready for it--but I'm willing. I can say with all my heart that I WANT him to be my only lifeline. Getting there is a whole other story.

I wish I could say that I came home and was able to spend all afternoon soaking in his word and he taught me all I needed!! :) No, I came home and cooked lunch, cleaned up lunch, put a baby to bed, tried to unpack more in my room, got a baby up after 30 minutes because the 4 year old had screamed in the house and woken him up, took three little ones to the park, made supper, read books, played a little here and there, and then.....another night was upon me where I wanted to just fall into bed but was reminded by my 8 and 9 year old that I needed to read more of our current read aloud before they went to bed.

So I'm praying (once again) for more diligence--to be wise with my time--to have the strength to rise up earlier than the baby at 6:30 (after being up once at night nursing him and up with the 4 and 7 year old figuring out their sleeping arrangements in their bed, in our bed, on our floor, back in our bed)...... Don't judge me here, please. I need more time to hang on to Jesus as my lifeline--up close and personal.

And back to that 8 year old acting up in church yesterday....I have no doubt it was his emotions about being here that were coming through. I talked with him about it yesterday afternoon, and he just broke down. He had just said to me that morning, "I don't like this new church" and "I hate Tennessee" and "I just want to go back to Naples." So I knew things were going to surface. And they did. Just at a very inopportune time! (Don't they always.)

But more about that little guy in another post. I need to get back to taking care of things around here.

Blessings

Laura Story~Blessings

The first time I heard this song was maybe about a year ago when my sister-in-law sent it to me. I immediately downloaded it off of itunes because I loved it! Since then, it has recently become more popular, and I've heard it a few times on the radio on our Christian station here. This song hits so close to home for me!! It makes me guilty to even think that because I think, "what right do I have to think that I have gone through heart aches or hard times?" I've never struggled with cancer, lost a husband or a child, had some major catastrophe in my life.... I realize that!! And I thank God for that as well. 

If you haven't heard it, I think it would bless you to click on the above link and listen. Even though my trials and struggles are trivial compared to some, there is some wonderful theology here in this simple song. One of my favorite parts is during the bridge when it says, 

"the pain reminds us that this is not, this is not our home."

I've thought of that very thing so many times over the years--this longing we have in our hearts. We know we are supposed to strive for contentment--to be content in all situations. And yet somewhere, somewhere down deep there is always a longing. We can't ever seem to figure it out. It's in all of us--something that longs for something better, something that can't be satisfied, something that always is pulling us "home." We feel this most when circumstances in our life are less than perfect. We feel it when times are tough and people are mean. We can't understand how God could let these things happen. But so many times I've thought these things, and God has brought me back to "this is not your home."

He doesn't want us to be satisfied with this earth and all it has to offer. This sinful, marred place of death and decay isn't the goal!! Within each of us is a longing for our eternal home--that perfect place where we will finally feel fulfilled, settled, loved, and completely satisfied. We will reach it one day. But for now, we have to learn how to live with this--the temporary, the here and now, the pain and heartache. He is the answer to it all. He fulfills our hearts desire while living in this sin filled world. He is with us when the world disappoints. He is our blessing when it seems that everything is crashing down.

"What if my greatest disappointments or the achings of this life are the revealings of a greater thirst this world can't satisfy...."

If that doesn't say it all....just like knowing that this is not our home, we know that this world can't satisfy. On this side of heaven, what really can?? Only Jesus. This world, once again, marred by sin and death, is just a shell of what God intended it to be. My soul thirsts, my heart longs to be quenched, and it can only be satisfied with Jesus. This world will never be enough. Just look at the suicide rates, drug abuse, teen pregnancy, problems with cutting, anything that people do to be accepted or just to end it all...we see that the world can't satisfy. Maybe God brings these heartaches to show us that. Maybe he orchestrates the hard times, the unanswerable problems and heartaches just to show us that HE is the only answer. He wants us to run to him, long for him, hunger and thirst for only Him.

We live in a world full of people running the rat race. They are all trying desperately to get ahead, get the next big break, find happiness in money or popularity. Look at all the people who go to try out for American Idol or one of those reality shows where they could be the next BIG star. That's what it's all about in the world. How sad. How sad when the day comes, and they have it all, and they realize that they still aren't satisfied. Because it will come. Blaise Pascal said,

"There is a God shaped vacuum in the heart of every man which cannot be filled by any created thing, but only by God, the Creator, make known through Jesus."

 I think that's what Laura Story is trying to say in this lines of this song. Yes, the song is about blessings coming in disguised ways. But I think it's about so much more. It speaks to me in different ways these days as I'm preparing my house, my children, and my life to pick up and leave eleven years of "home." I'm not disappointed that we are going, but there have been disappointments that have played a part in all of this and still do. Things haven't gone as I had planned for sure. I didn't expect to be at this point and still not know where I would be moving my "stuff"! I expected that we would have a nice house, in Knoxville, with a nice church, get involved, etc. etc. That's not the way it's turning out. But I'm learning more and more every day to trust my Savior. I trust his plan. I trust in his sovereignty.

I know this is not my home. I know that this world cannot satisfy. And so this song speaks to my heart.

Changes

For months our life has seemed to be an endless series of unknowns. I haven't felt like I could make a decision about the future in almost a year now. Obviously, I've done it. I've tried as well as I could to live in the present and leave the uncertainty of our future to my heavenly Father. Because, after all, no one's future is ever certain. He is the only one who holds time in his hands. But most of us can plan to put our little girls in ballet for the fall or feel good about paying for another month of karate or take our children to try out for the holiday musical in town.... or whatever. Most years there hasn't been a question of whether I should enroll my children in a home school class that they wanted (or I wanted them) to take. But these uncertainties and more have been in the forefront of my mind now for many months.

I've been a bit cryptic in my posts (the few that I've written) this summer. I have talked more to my friends in person in the last few weeks than my sweet husband was really thrilled about. If it were up to him, he would just have me be as closed mouthed as he is about our personal life. But, thankfully, he knew before he married me that I was NOTHING like him when it came to "closing my mouth!" :) He knows I need to talk--actually spill my guts--to those close to me. And there are a lot that I consider close to me!! So in the last few weeks, most everyone that I know in Naples has become aware of the fact that Jon was interviewing for a CFO position in Knoxville, TN.

He's known about the position opening up for a few months now. The hospital system that he works for, HMA, is acquiring several hospitals in the Knoxville area. He told me the other day that he has felt called by God to go there from the time he heard about it. He's felt drawn there--to the mountains, to the trails, to the changing seasons. He's had trails along the Appalachians mapped out for months where he wants to take the boys for weekend outings. We've both wanted to get back to the "south" for quite some time now so this seemed like the perfect opportunity.

All we needed was for him to get through the interview and get chosen!! :) He knew he wanted to be there, felt called to be there, but it was up to God to work out the details if that's where he really wanted us. That's when it is so good to feel right in the middle of God's plan and sovereign work in our lives. As disappointed as we knew we would be if he didn't get the job, we had no doubt that we would be right where God wanted us. Jon consistently prayed that God would take us where he could use us, where we would bring him the most glory. Every time he prayed it, I knew he meant it, but I also knew that it was going to tear him up if he didn't get it. I trusted God's perfect will, but I braced myself for my husband's disappointment if it didn't happen. I knew I would need to be his anchor for awhile.

Although having six children has taught me much more patience than I had when I only had one child, long suffering has never been a huge strong point with me. So waiting has been an arduous task this summer. God has seemed to not want me to make any plans....just leave them all with him. So that's what I've done. I've waited.....and waited.....until Jon finally had the interview a couple of weeks ago.

Since then I've waited....and waited some more to hear the news!! We found out on Monday that Jon did get the job!! We are moving to Knoxville!! I haven't been able to tell anyone until tonight so I've been about to burst!!

Jon told the kids tonight so there is a huge range of emotions going on around here. :) They have prayed for weeks for daddy to get the "job." Even though they knew the job was in Knoxville, it was a little overwhelming to actually learn that we are really moving away from the only home they've ever known. They are excited about moving to the mountains--and about the possibility of SNOW, but their minds wander back to their precious friends that they are going to miss so much. They think of their grandparents here that they've always just been able to pop over and see or meet up with for Sunday lunch or whatever. They think of their brand new baby cousin due at the beginning of Oct. They've waited forever to live in the same town as a cousin, and now they still won't! They think of their church family and how loved and at home they feel there. It's hard stuff!

God is going to grow them. God is going to grow me. We are all going to grow through all of this. It's a daunting task to think about picking up and moving 8 people 14 hours away in a month!! But I know my God can do it. He's pretty awesome, and he shows me this time and time again!! I will miss my friends, my church, my family, my home schooling community, my chiropractor and my hair dresser!! You may laugh, but those last two things have been high on my priority list of people I'll miss!!!

So begins a new chapter of our lives. Here we are, moving to Tennessee. I'm happy that my husband is happy. I'm happy that he feels fulfilled in his role as our provider. And as always, I'm happy that I will always be with him--wherever he goes, whatever life brings us--we'll do it together.

We'll be leaving Naples a much bigger family than when we came 11 years ago. We came as a family of three longing for more children--wondering if we'd ever have any more. Yes, Naples has been a wonderful time of our lives. God has blessed us here in many ways, and I'm excited to see what the next chapter holds.

Silence

Silence.....

I feel like this word describes my summer. I've been mostly silent on my blog. That wasn't my plan. I thought summer would be a great time to write, but here it is coming to the end of July, and I've only written seven posts all summer. Several of those were just recipes or songs. I have wanted to write, and yet I feel like God has kept me silent. I haven't been overly busy. Don't get me wrong, I haven't been bored or sitting around twiddling my thumbs! I've cleaned my house, done my laundry, shuttled children back and forth to various activities, etc.

I also feel like it describes my summer in another way..... God's silence. I've actually felt this since last November but more so in recent weeks. That's probably another reason I haven't written anything. I haven't felt too much inspiration. But am I right in this? Is my reasoning correct? Or do I need another prospective?

One thing that I have just begun is a new Bible study last week at church. It's only been two weeks into it, and I can wholeheartedly recommend it. If any of you are PCA (or even if you aren't) I would say "GO TO THE PCA WOMENS' CONFERENCE IN OCTOBER!!" It will be worth it. The keynote speaker is Nancy Guthrie, and she's the author of the Bible study I've started, "Hoping for Something Better." I read her first book, "Holding on to Hope," last year. It's a loose study on the book of Job. It's her heart wrenching story of love and loss. I'm not going to share it here, but believe me you will be blessed by reading it. This second book is more of a true Bible study that goes deeper and makes me think harder than anything has for me in a long time.

Nancy spoke right to my heart last week in chapter one when she said this,

"Sometimes our feelings may tell us that God is silent. But when we complain that God is silent, when we're straining to hear the voice of God, what we are really saying is that we exhausted this final decisive Word he has spoken to us in the person of Jesus and in the pages of Scripture. It's as if we are saying the Bible has nothing further to say to us, that we've seen all there is to see in Jesus and heard all there is to hear in the gospel, that it has no power to speak into our current situations."

WOW! Is this what I'm saying? Certainly not intellectually or consciously, but when I think about it, that is exactly what my attitude is saying. I've heard so many people say over the years that God has been silent in their life for a certain period of time that it just seems to be a normal thing. But thinking about it this way makes sense. We have God's word that is living and active and able to speak to us every time we read it. We have a God who is waiting anxiously to hear from us, to answer our call, to comfort us in our sorrow. How could I think he's silent? It's not him. It's me.

In this time of "silence" I have been waiting. Some of you know about this. Others don't. I've shared a little on here, but I know it's been vague. I haven't been ready for a bombardment of questions in my life so I just share basic, vague information about what's going on. But I'm still waiting. I've felt like my life was on hold for months--not knowing what to plan for, how involved to be in activities, how to live day by day not knowing what the future holds. I try. I really do. And most of the time I do a pretty good job of it. I do put my trust in the Lord. I do put my hope in him. He is my rock and fortress. I know these things, and I cling to them. I cling to his promise to never leave me or forsake me. And I remember my blessings and how amazingly blessed I am. I remember that things could be so much worse. I remember that we have our health and that my husband and my children know Jesus. What more could I really be concerned about? And yet I am. I don't like living in uncertainty. I don't know many people who do. I happen to be perfectly fine with change. I am really okay with the thought of moving. I wasn't three months ago. But I am now. I'm okay with new friends, new church, new town, total strangers, etc. I can get pretty excited about newness actually, but it's the "not knowing" that makes it hard. It's the "not knowing" where we're going (or even if we're going.) If we do go, will there be a good church and will there be any sort of homeschooling community? Will there be good friends for my children?  These things keep me in constant communion with my Father in heaven--continually giving it to him. And maybe that's the point anyway.....

But I'd like to share something with you that I learned this week through this study. The study is on the book of Hebrews. It's all about Jesus. Really. And it's teaching us that it truly is ALL ABOUT JESUS. What does this look like really? What does this look like in our life? So we are looking at Jesus. Hebrews 2: 17 says,

"Therefore [Jesus] had to be made like his brothers in every respect, so that he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God..."

Who are his brothers? We are! In verse 11 the author of Hebrews tells us that Jesus "is not ashamed to call [us] brothers." So Jesus was human, flesh and blood. This is really nothing new to most of us in the Christian faith. We also know that he was tempted as we are, and he went through every human emotion that we do. We know that he was made like us so that "he might become a merciful and faithful high priest in the service of God" just as this verse says. He is a perfect mediator. How could he do that if he hadn't been through it?? But sometimes this all stays as head knowledge. It does for me anyway until God brings me to the point where I'm digging so hard that I have to see it.

But in thinking through this concept this week, it hit me. Jesus was 30 years old when he started his ministry. He was 12 when he first went to the temple and impressed the socks off the Jewish rabbis. He knew at that point that he was God. Whether he knew before then (humanly speaking) is debatable and there are many different ideas about that. But it really doesn't matter. The Bible is silent about Jesus' life on earth from the time he was 12 years old until he was 30. Did he live through those years or did he just skip them? Stupid question, right? Of course he lived them. And during those years he experienced all the things that normal teenagers experience and then all the things that normal twenty-somethings experience. All the while, he knew he was the savior. He knew God had a plan for his life. He knew the will of his Father. What he didn't know was "when" that would happen. Could he have saved the world at 13? Probably. Could he have done it at 18 or 25? I'm sure he could have. But God had him wait for 18 years. So Jesus knew what it was like to wait.

This gives me comfort. Jesus knows. Jesus understands. Jesus is at God's right hand telling him exactly what I need because he's been there. He's done that. I can rest in this knowledge. Oh, my glorious Jesus knows and cares and mediates for me.

Does it make it easier to wait? For now it does. While I keep an eternal perspective it does. When I lose that (which I'm sure will happen from time to time) I will probably worry again. I'm human. I'm fallen. I'm nowhere close to the perfection that God is sanctifying me for. But I have truth to fall back on. I have God's word that is never silent, always living, and always able to speak to every situation I will ever encounter. That's the word of the amazing, living God of the universe that we serve.

Nursing older babies/toddlers

It's been forever since I've had a post. I think about it, and then I can't find a time to write. Then when I have time to write, I can't think of what I wanted to write about!!

But I've been thinking lately about what it's like to nurse an older baby in public. I've nursed my last four babies way beyond a year and up to two years. But after they start eating solid food, there usually isn't a huge need to nurse them when you aren't at home just because it's easier a lot of time to give them food when they are hungry. Now, there are times when it's more necessary.... when they are tired, hurt, whatever. But in general, I've personally found it easier just to nurse them at home and give them something easy to satisfy them when we are out.

The reasons for this are many. One reason is that older babies are more likely to "pop off" for no reason or without notice! :) Any sudden sound or noise or someone who comes up and talks usually peaks their curiosity. They need to look around to see what this new noise is--usually leaving you exposed for a second or two until you can get covered. While this doesn't really bother me, I am aware that there are others around that may take issue and (contrary to popular belief) I do like to be sensitive to their feelings! Another reason is because even if you do use a cover when babies are small, by the time they are older they are usually not as happy to be under that cover while nursing. Older babies (mine anyway) also tend to move around a lot. Mine seem to get up on their feet and dance around while still continuing to nurse. It's truly amazing that they can do this. But they do!! It's quite hard to control when you're out in public.

So in saying all that, my reasoning for writing this is because with Cedar I've found myself having to nurse him as an older baby out in public way more than my others. He will be a year on the 29th, and he's a big baby anyway so people tend to notice, make comments, etc. The reason that I find that I need to nurse him more is that he's gluten free. If I don't have a snack already prepared (which I usually don't because I'm not that organized) then I can't just give him crackers from the salad bar or goldfish from the nursery. I can't break little pieces of bread to appease him before his meal (usually consisting of fruit, chicken salad, beans or a baked potato depending on where we are dining--since we usually frequent the same places.) So I end up nursing him to keep him happy. I have noticed many more looks and stares in the last couple of months.

Even though I don't use a cover (because I think it screams "I'm nursing a baby under here") I'm very discreet. I have many people come all the way up and say "Oh, do you have a sleeping baby?" As long as he's still, that is! When he decides to do his "nursing dance" there's not a lot I can do about it. I still make sure I'm covered, but I just do my best to keep his dancing to a minimum.

But even with all of this, I've found people's comments interesting. I haven't had anyone say anything negative--mainly because I haven't had any comments from anyone I didn't know. I've certainly had looks from people I didn't know, but not comments. But the comments have mainly come at church and most of them in the nursery. Ha! I've been amused by how many people ask, "Um, exactly how old is he?" :) It does make me laugh. This is usually from women in their 50's or 60's. I think many of them didn't nurse because that was the big formula push in America. So I've found that some of them seem a little uncomfortable with nursing all together. So when you throw in the whole idea of nursing a baby who actually has teeth and can walk (oh the horrors) it just wigs them out! Like I said, if they don't see me start to nurse in the first place, they usually don't know what I'm doing. So they come up and see if he's asleep. Usually when they talk is when he does his whole "popping off" thing, and they kind of freak out. It's actually rather amusing. So that's when the question inevitably comes, "How old is he?" It's like they've heard of people out there nursing their babies beyond 6 months, but they didn't know that they actually knew someone who did it! :)

Thankfully, another friend of mine at church is still nursing her almost 13 month old as well. This is also her 6th child so we are just plain weird together!! :) One day we were in the nursery together nursing, and the volunteer who was in there was just kind of overwhelmed. I didn't really notice it at first, but then she asked the question, "Exactly how old are they?" I felt like giggling. That was when he was only 10 months and she was 11 months, but it was still quite the big deal.

I'm trying to do my part to normalize nursing older babies/toddlers for a year and beyond. The World Health Organization (WHO) recommends nursing for 2 years and then beyond that for whatever time is mutually enjoyable for mother and baby. This just means that as long as mommy and baby are both happy with the situation--go for it! The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has always recommended nursing "at least" one year and has recently changed their stance to two years. When you look at the amazing health benefits of breast milk, you really can't argue with it. It's physically and emotionally healthy for babies and their mommies. And I think that normalizing 'nursing in public' makes it easier for women to continue the breastfeeding relationship which is so important between mommy and baby. Personally, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Seriously, I'm falling apart

Okay, 37 must be the magic age for me!! I used to look at myself in the mirror and really search for wrinkles and be happy (okay, I'll admit it.... more like "proud") that I couldn't find any. I would ask Jon if he saw any. Of course, we all know what his answer was!! :) But I was pretty happy with my skin. I've never been one to use a lot of products or much make up at all for that matter so I haven't done too much to keep my youthful skin! I just attributed it to good genes that I acquired from my Grandma Shepley. I always knew, though, that I would start showing the signs of aging way before her because her face never saw the sun. And mine, well let's just say I've had my share of sun!!

So it's not just my face. Every time I look in the mirror I see a lovely new sign of aging. You know, losing weight might be nice, but it seems as if when you get older, your skin doesn't remember how it was supposed to go back! I hear it loses something called elasticity. I should say so!! Seriously, my thighs look like the way my mom's looked way back when I used to be a little girl. (Sorry, Mama) The first time I noticed them I couple of months ago, I just stood and stared at them in the mirror like, "There's no way those could be my legs!!" I mean, there's something to be said about fat. It may not be pretty in and of itself, but it sure does help plump out all the wrinkles, creases and lines that seem to be creeping up all over my body. Instead, there's just nice skin losing the battle to gravity!! My husband tells me that it's not bad enough to notice in a bathing suit (yet) and that I'm the only one thinking that--but of course, what is he supposed to say??

So then I noticed my arms about a month ago. Yeah, lots of nice flabby skin there as well. I bought one of those shake weights about 4 months ago. Haven't used it yet, but I'm sure it's doing a lot of good for me as I move it from one place in my house to another! I also have one of those stretchy band things. I did use that the other day for two days in a row!! But that was last week, I think, and it hasn't happened again. I'm determined, though, to use it. I've been told that you can shape these things back up. I'm really hoping that's true. I'm still wondering about the skin though. Someone needs to invent an exercise for that (not like I'd ever engage in it though so why am I wanting that??)

Just last week I turned my head and caught a glimpse of some saggy skin under my neck!!! Once again, it was like deja vu, flashback of my mom!! (Sorry again, Mama) What happens here, people?? I'm really starting to understand the reasoning of a little plastic surgery!! I used to wonder why in the world anyone would alter their body. Just do your best to keep healthy and that should be enough. Well, now I'm thinking a little differently!! A little cut and snip and a small tuck here and there and maybe even a lift in a place or two wouldn't be such a bad idea!! This body could use a small makeover at this point. And this has all happened in the span of about 8 months because I promise it didn't look like this on my birthday in September!! And when I lost the weight after the last baby, my body didn't come back looking like this. So something happened. Something snapped--maybe it was the elastic!!

So is there somewhere to trade these bodies in for a newer, gravity defying model? I know I'm not supposed to be worried about this kind of stuff as I'm striving to be a godly wife and mother. My physical looks are not to be foremost on my thoughts, right?? But somehow the mirror doesn't know that, and it keeps reminding me over and over! It makes the fact that I'm going to be getting a new, perfect, ageless body in heaven one day so much more exciting!! I guess I'll have to wait for that body because this model seems to be losing the battle here, and from what I hear it's only going to get worse!!

Reflecting on Mother's Day

I've been quiet on the blogging front lately. Maybe this is because my oldest loves to make fun of me for it! :) I really don't mind. I really enjoy his company and good natured ribbing. But, although I've thought about some blog ideas lately, I haven't sat to write anything. I think mostly because it's time consuming, and when I look around my house at how much there is to do I know that I have no business sitting down at the computer for anything other than a quick break!!

But I wanted to write today about something close to my heart--motherhood. I know I've written about this before, but since it's something that I live day in and day out, I think about it a lot. I had a great Mother's Day yesterday. My husband and kids made me breakfast in bed (not because it's the most comfortable thing in the world but because my kids love to do it and think I love it! :) And so I do love it for that reason!) They gave me a new Bible which I had been wanting. This was really special because I think it was actually the first time my husband paid attention to something that I had been talking about (without me even thinking about "hinting" that I wanted it for a specific holiday.) Then after church we went to lunch, and then we came home to the best present ever--the kids and Jon cleaned out my car. Ah, it's the best when he does it because he takes out all the seats as well and REALLY gets it clean! And this time he didn't even yell at me about how many chicken nuggets were stuck down in the far recesses of the floor! :) Then afterward we went to Jon's parents where he, his dad and brother all cooked and grilled for the moms. It was a great evening!

So, yes, I had a great Mother's Day. But so often I don't even like these holidays. Mother's Day, birthdays, anniversaries, etc. As women we sometimes have so many expectations. We've seen too many movies or read too many books or heard too many over embellished stories of romance, and our husbands just don't seem to be able to live up to those standards! I try to remember this each time one of these events rolls around, but even though I was trying to guard against this, I found the little green jealousy man creeping up a little when I read other moms' statuses of mani/pedis, massages, flowers, nights away, etc. on facebook. I really didn't want this to happen! But somewhere down inside my sinful heart, the questions start.... Why isn't my husband more romantic, sensitive, thoughtful, creative, and (if I'm being honest here...) rich? :) Yeah, that would help!!

Why do we do this to ourselves? We set up expectations that our loving husbands can't fulfill. These men who are going to work everyday, giving all of themselves for their wives and children, faithfully coming home every night to a less than perfect house (at least in my case) and maybe even doing their own laundry... yes, I'll admit, my husband has had to do a load or two of his own lately--never complaining, just doing it! Why should we really need more? I know I don't! This is the life I wanted. And my husband is exactly the man of my dreams that I had "picked" out for myself. I specifically remember a conversation with one of my best friends from college saying that I didn't want to marry anyone too "sensitive." I wanted a "manly man." Well, doesn't God deliver?? :) So I got exactly what I asked for--and now I'm going to complain about it?

I have amazing children who really want to please me. They like doing things to make me happy and bless me. This should be enough--a day in and day out blessing. I shouldn't need Mother's Day or any bells and whistles to fulfill me. Yes, it's nice to honor mothers. I'm not saying that! But wouldn't it be nice if we did it on a consistent basis instead of once a year? Wouldn't it be nice if we would "rise up and call [our mothers] blessed" more often? I know I should! But instead I send her card too late for her to even get it in time. How lame am I? How selfish and sinful? I feel deserving of so much, and yet I can't even get a card in the mail on time!! My mom deserves so much more! I love her beyond words, but I can't always get my act together. So why should I expect anything different from my own little ones or my hard-working husband?

So if you're feeling a little under appreciated after yesterday or just all together, take a look at your life. Count the blessings that you do have. Count each of those who call you "Mommy" or "Mom" or "Mama" or whatever. And know that you are blessed. If your husband comes home to you every night--even if he's too tired to strike up thoughtful conversations, thank him. Appreciate him. Tell him how much you love him because he sacrifices day in and day out for you! And remember that your reward is not here on earth. You are storing up your treasures in heaven "where moth and rust cannot destroy!" And oh how great your rewards will be--way better than any mani/pedi for Mother's Day!!

Confessions

I am real. I have doubts. I falter. I question. I wonder how things are going to turn out. I get knots in my stomach sometimes thinking about the future. I worry about my children and what life is going to hand them. I wonder if they will even grow up to have a life in the same care-free way that I did. Sometimes I feel let down, even though I know God's in control. Sometimes I don't know which way to pray--and sometimes I even wonder if praying makes a difference. Yes, that's me.

Oh, I know the answers. I know what my Bible says, and I even know and believe with all that I can muster that it's true. I know Romans 8:28 that tells me that all things are working together for my good. I know Jeremiah 29:11 that tells me that God has plans to give me a hope, a future. I have even lived through worrisome, hard times that have rocked my world and changed my life and showed me that God knows exactly what he's doing. I have no reason to doubt God, but I am human. I am frail and sometimes, yes, unbelieving.

I don't want to be this way, yet I also know that this is what connects us. We have all felt this way at some time whether we want to admit it or not. And if you haven't, you're either not old enough or you're lying to yourself!

The reason for my "sick to my stomach" feeling right now is uncertainty. I don't know what's going to happen in my family's life. Now, I realize that most of life is uncertain. The day to day challenges and changes don't bother me. I'm pretty much a "go with the flow" kind of girl. But the fact that this big uncertainty has gone on now for about 7 months is what's getting to me.

Don't get me wrong. I know I'm blessed. I know I'm blessed to have a wonderful, faithful husband who dedicates his life to taking care of me and our children. I know I'm blessed to have six precious arrows on loan from God to mold and sharpen with the tools that He's given me. I also know that these things are in God's hands as well and can be taken away. I can't let myself dwell there because that's not where I need to be! And I don't!

My feelings of uncertainty stem from my husband's job situation. Thankfully, he has a good job--even a job that he loves, which is a HUGE blessing. But ever since he was blessed with this job 3 years ago, we've known that there's no way we can afford our current home on his present salary. After the economy collapsed and other such things happened, his company put on a wage freeze that was just recently lifted so in the past (over) 3 years, he's only ever gotten a 2% pay increase. Now, I realize I shouldn't complain because there are so many out there in worse situations without jobs or in very low paying jobs who have lost their very homes, etc. I know it could be worse, and I thank God every day for his job!! But the fact is, we can't afford our house. We've never missed a mortgage payment because my husband would rather have us go without groceries before he'd do that, I think. And that makes me respect him all the more! He's the most ethical man I know, and I'm so proud to be married to him.

But being ethical doesn't pay the bills! :) Maybe it helps in the long run--but it doesn't directly deposit it into the bank account, which takes us to my point of concern. Three years ago, when Jon got this job as a controller, he was told that eventually he would be moved to a hospital in another town as a CFO. That's been his desire. He's a very driven man who wants to continually better himself. We were both excited at the time with the prospect of moving. When we moved here 11 years ago, we never expected to stay here this long. Neither of us love the weather, and we certainly aren't in love with the consumerism and "me" mentality of Naples. So moving was a nice thought.

Then something in me changed probably about 9 months ago. For some reason, my heart started changing. Our life has been here for eleven years. Our friends are here. Our church is here. We have family here. I'd like to believe that God changed my heart because he wants to keep us here, but that hasn't been proven yet. But for whatever reason, I started praying that we would be able to stay. In October, the first "real" rumblings of moving started. For some reason or another, none of them worked out. There was never a time that he was "beat out" by anyone else, but it's just the way it happened. So I told Jon that I had been praying that we would stay here. He told me that there was no possible way that was going to happen. I told him nothing was impossible with God, and I would continue to pray that way.

There was a job opening in Lehigh Acres (about 50 minutes up the road), and we both thought this was it. If he could get the position there, we'd get the pay increase we needed and not have to move. This was perfect. "Thank you, God, that you have answered our prayers!" Well, not so fast. Another controller that was in that division ended up getting it as an interim position then the CEO of that hospital got fired which put everything on hold..... blah, blah, blah. In the end, of course, the interim controller will become the permanent CFO because who in the world wants to go to Lehigh anyway?? So we were back to square one.... but I continued to have faith.

So a few weeks ago, Jon sends me an email from the CEO of his hospital. Without going into great length, lots of changes happened, and they made Jon the interim CFO at one of the Naples hospitals. Wow, God!! I had faith that God had answered in the most amazing way imaginable. Now, the only way that he could really "lose" the position and not be made the permanent CFO would be if another current CFO from another hospital in his company wanted the position. I was sure that God had done all this to work it out for us. I was sure that no one would want it!

But, alas, I have found out in the past couple of days that two CFOs are interested in it. Nothing has been decided yet, but from the moment I heard it, Satan has been whispering defeat in my ear. Through all these months, I have held strong to my faith that God has us here for a reason. There are things that have happened recently in my personal life that give me even more reason to want to stay. So now I'm questioning if I'm being selfish in my desire to stay. After all, I'm the one who wrote a couple of months ago about sacrifice. Being a wife and mother is dedicating yourself to a life of sacrifice, right? Do I have the right have any dreams? I don't know.... this is a real struggle.

So here I am right now--in the middle of my messy life. I know the truth, thankfully. I know the creator of the stars and the creator of me who has all the plans in his hands. I know these things, and yet I still struggle with the day to day thoughts of it all. I still struggle with worrying about how I will ever be able to get this house in decent selling order or learning and abiding by a stricter state's homeschooling laws. I struggle with worrying about my kids' reactions and disappointments to leaving their friends and the only home they've ever known. I struggle with the disappointment of fighting for, praying for and loving our church through really hard times, seeing it being blessed by God, becoming a wonderful family for my children, building an incredible new building (that's completely paid for!) only to know that I might be leaving before we even ever get into the building of the amazing church that we've given so much of our lives to. And then I struggle with my personal dreams--dreams that I wonder if I should even have the audacity to dream. I really don't even feel begrudging about losing them. I really just want to use my talents to bring glory to God, and I can say that with all honesty. I know that he doesn't need me or my talents to bring glory to himself. He's the author of anything and everything that's good in me. But still.... it's a struggle.

And most of all it's a struggle because there's still no end. There's no timeline. There's no one saying "this is going to be over in a month....or two months".....or whatever! Last October, I would have never thought I would still be in the same place mentally, emotionally or maybe even physically. But here I am. Here we are, still paying the same mortgage payment with the same income. Here we are still paying our property taxes and insurance with our tax refund and paying off our credit cards (because the salary just doesn't cover it) with bonus money. Yes, I'm thankful for those things. I'm thankful for the refund and the bonus money. It's hard to see it fly out the window as fast as it came in without ever "getting ahead" but at least we're not getting too much farther behind either.

So here I continue to sit in uncertainty. I continue to live my life and make my plans on the outside--all the while on the inside not knowing if we'll be here to start school in the fall or to even attend art camp or VBS in June. I have a God who knows, but he's not really in the business of letting me in on all his plans!

So my prayer is just that I will be the wife I need to be--to be a helpmeet to my hardworking, faithful husband. I want to support him and love him and feel the way I felt on my wedding day--that no matter where we ever had to move or live.... I was totally and completely happy that it would always be with him! And I pray that I will be the mother that my children need through any changes that God brings about. I pray that I will be strong for them. I pray that my faith will be strong enough for them to see Jesus in me. I pray that as I go through the fire that I will be supple in my Maker's hands, that the refinement process will go quickly and smoothly. :) (Don't we all want that?) I pray he will mold me and make me to look more like his Son and that I would come out on the other side radiating his light even more. My life is his; it is not my own.