Giving up my Sanity

As the season of Lent is upon us, I feel very unprepared for it. This is the third year now that I've been in a church that talks about and celebrates Lent in a very meaningful way, and I've had the desire to participate the last two years. But this year I am worn down. This year I don't know what else I have to give.

I considered the big one--social media--again this year. I did that two years ago, and it was a great time of growing and dwelling with Jesus for me. But I quickly decided against it. With the adoption and hosting looming, Facebook is the only way I have to stay in touch with people who have become my "family" in all of this. No, this year, social media will stay in my life.

I thought about giving up some sort of food or fasting for a few days. I may still do that. One meal or even one whole day a week certainly wouldn't hurt me right now. But I tried a few weeks ago to start a new program by Beachbody, and I failed miserably. Just not my time right now with the busyness and stress in my life.

This morning I felt like God was saying, "I've asked you to give up, and you have. I asked you to be willing, and you have. You've given up time, money, emotion, and sanity!" That's what I want.

The past few days I've waffled between so many emotions. From excitement to questioning, from being sure that this is what we should do to wondering why I ever got into this. This is hard stuff. We want to give her a home. We want to love her and show her the love of a family that she's never known. And yet, she's never met us. She has to choose to come live with a family she's never met. Will she want to come to America, to freedom, to a better life so much that she's willing to trust these strangers--who will have just written her a few letters, sent a few pictures and tried to invest into her life from thousands of miles away? Not even to mention the fact that the country she is in is in political upheaval and could go to war any day. The news reports change every day. The country could be shut down. The airspace could be closed. Anything could happen.

It's crazy. It's reckless. And it certainly doesn't make sense.

I keep hearing in my head and in my heart,

"I never said it was going to be easy. I never said the Christian life was safe. I never said to make sure you had everything planned out for the future. I said to be willing. I said people were going to hate you and think you're crazy. I said it would be difficult. I said, "Deny yourself. Take up your cross, and follow me."

And so with that, with those words, I move forward. I keep running the race. I get one, two, three steps closer to finishing this home study to moving onto the next step. All the while, I question. All the while, I wonder, "How do I continue to give all of myself--time, money, energy, emotion--and still guard my heart so that it doesn't break in the end if she says, "no"? The answer is, "I don't."That's the conclusion I've come to. I can't. I can't give it all and still guard my heart. My heart will break if she says, "no."

And so I move forward with hope. I move forward trusting that the God who has called us this far will not leave us. I move forward with faith that he holds true to his promises that he has "a plan and a future" for us, and it is good. And I move forward with the knowledge that yes, my heart might be broken. She may say "no." We may lose a lot because of this. But I know with every fiber of my being that this is the road I'm supposed to be on. This is exactly where God wants me this Lent season.

Giving up my sanity.

Living with abandon

This past week life has played havoc with my heart. Most of you know that we hosted an orphan from Eastern Europe over Christmas. I don't think I've even written about that on here since the day before she came. I've thought about it, but I just couldn't get the words to come out right. It was just easier not to say anything. She is a part of our lives now forever. That will not change--whether she ends up permanently here or not.

We are friends with her on VK (a European FB of sorts) and we are also friends with some of her roommates. Jon and I both seemed to fall in love with one of the little girls in particular and thought about maybe hosting her this summer along with A. We felt like we could commit to adopting them both if that's what they chose, and we were happy with that. But that was in the future.

We found out last week that the other little girl will be 16 next month. It's at that age that the kids "age out" of adoption. They aren't able to be adopted anymore. Our hearts sank at the news, but we felt like we should go ahead and pursue it even though we had never met her and she had never met us!! We called the adoption agency and they put in a request last Friday to find out her availability. We still haven't gotten that answer back, but now we've found out more news. She has a sister. Her sister is 14. This would buy us time to adopt the older sister. But we found ourselves in a position of thinking about adopting 3 teenage, non-English speaking orphans who carry A LOT of baggage! Wow!! When you decide to step out for Jesus, he takes you places you never thought you would be.

I have never loved my husband more. I have seen him over the past six months go from someone I didn't think would consider even adopting again to someone who was totally willing to do what it takes to bring 3 teenage orphans into our home, making a grand total of 9 kids!! This weekend was full of prayers and long talks. It was full of rethinking plans and moving rooms and furniture around in our minds!! It was full of questions and anxious thoughts. In the end, there was peace. Because when you live in the middle of Jesus, he brings peace in all situations. 

Although my husband had a pretty easy time saying, "yes" to all these girls, (should they decide to come) I was the one that was having the harder time. All I want it is to live my life unabashedly for Jesus. I want to give him my whole heart. I want to say, "Do with my life what YOU will!" My true desire is for His Kingdom to come and rule my life on earth as it is in Heaven. So I don't want to make any excuses for not doing the hard stuff! All weekend those were my conflicting thoughts. 

"Jesus, you know my heart. You know I want to give it ALL to you. I don't want to hold anything back. I know orphans are close to your heart, and they are close to mine. I know you place the lonely in families, and I want our family to be your hands and feet. But, Jesus, at what point is it too much? At what point is there a place for practicality? Is there ever a place for it? Is there ever a time for just "being smart about things" or is that just a cop out? Another excuse? And yet, you've given me these six right now. You've called us to homeschool. That's not an easy task, and it gets harder every year. I don't want to cheat them. Yes, I know the experience of serving three of 'the least of these' is invaluable and yet is it worth not giving them what they need?"

Y'all, ALL WEEKEND! 

Back and forth. Back and forth. The Casting Crowns song "Somewhere in the Middle" kept playing over and over in my head. I don't want to live in the middle. I don't want to live between the hot and the cold. The lines of that song have always stuck with me: "Fearless warriors in the picket fence; Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense; Deep water faith in the shallow end. Are we caught in the middle?" That sums it up!!! Do I have reckless abandonment to Jesus and yet it's wrapped in common sense? Common sense doesn't play much of a role in the Christian faith. Do I have deep water faith but am I just staying in the shallow end? Am I training to be a fearless warrior and yet staying in my picket fence?? THIS is what I don't want. And yet, I'm not alone in this. I'm a mother of six. I manage and take care of a family of eight. I am the educator of these children as well. And that's what I've been called to do first.

So after lots of praying, talking to Jon and to some other friends who homeschool and also have a heart for adoption and orphans, I felt like I needed to take my cue from my kids. I was already feeling that. My girls, of course, were completely thrilled and on board. But for them it looked like sunshine and roses and every night's a slumber party!! My 10 year old was a little hesitant, but I think he would've gone along with it. My oldest thought we were out of our minds. He was totally on board with adopting one and maybe even two. But three???

God kept bringing to mind that it's my son's Senior year next year. It's his last year at home. There are lots of things that I am called to do as a mom of a Senior to help him get ready for college. There are lots of plans that we've made as a family to spend that last year as well as we can together!! I owe it to him to be present. I owe it to him to be completely here for him. He needs me even if he doesn't think he does! And if he thinks we're insane for adopting 3 girls, I don't want the affects of that on his last year here.

And so, it's with peace that we've decided we will not be pursuing adoption of 3 teenage Eastern European orphans. Jon was pretty disappointed. I could tell. I think he already had the plan in his mind of exactly how things were going to work. I'm thankful. I'm thankful that God has worked in his heart in ways I could never imagine. I'm thankful to be able to testify to the fact that about two years ago I started praying that God would "break his heart for the things that break God's." He's as shocked as anyone at this change in himself. ;) I'm thankful that the way he wants to spend our 20th anniversary trip is not going to Italy, like we once planned; but instead traveling to Eastern Europe to work in orphanages and pouring out ourselves and our resources into the children that society has thrown away. I'm thankful that he wants to give them Jesus in every way.

We will still pursue adoption of A. We will pursue as long as it takes until she says "no" or the adoption doors are closed. There is a possibility of hosting her for 8 weeks this summer instead of only 5. We are thrilled!!! We are focusing on that right now. We are focusing on making her part of our family and continuing to show her Jesus. Maybe one day we will feel the nudge again to pursue another orphan. I have the feeling that we will. I have the feeling that this isn't going away! But for now, I can know that I am living with abandon to Jesus. I want to give it all. And I've got the best opportunity in the world to serve him right here in my home EVERY day.

And we will continue to help change the world, one orphan at a time.

Forever Changed

Tonight is the "eve of my life being forever changed." I am expecting that tomorrow will be one of the most amazing and one of the most anxious days of my life. Tomorrow we meet a little girl that we have been praying for, planning for, and thinking about for months!! The thing is that we have had months to think about her, study her face, pray for her, learn a few words in her language, etc. We CHOSE her. She didn't choose us. She gets whoever they hand her! I hope she'll be okay with who she gets!

I can't even describe how I'm feeling right now. I should be doing so many others things and yet here I sit. I just want to get my thoughts out. I just want someone to know how I feel. I know there's no way she can know, but I pray that in some way I can begin to show her.

Right now she's riding on a train to her first flight destination. She'll be traveling for almost 24 hours by the time she gets here tomorrow. She will be exhausted and disoriented. And she'll be met with the worlds' craziest family hugging and kissing all over her!! She'll climb up in our big ole van and head to Knoxville to spend a month in our family. I can't even imagine how she's feeling right now. She still doesn't even know who we are. She won't know until she boards the plane at 11 pm tonight (our time.) It will be 6 am their time. And then she'll have just a few hours to look at our pictures, read the few words there on that page and wrap her head around all of it before falling off of the plane and into our arms.

She's a brave soul. They tell them bad things about Americans. And as crazy as some of them sound, the kids believe it. Because it's coming from people that they trust many times. All these kids coming to America are brave. They are leaving everything they know, everything familiar, their language, their friends, everything to come and hopefully get what they long for--a family, even if it's not "officially" their forever family. They get a connection with what a real family is. That's what this program is about. It's giving these kids a chance to see how functional people live in families and in this world. It's giving them the love of a mom and dad--even if just for a short time in person. They will have those families, in most cases, to communicate with forever. What a precious gift for them.

But I can't even begin to imagine what it's going to do for our own family. My prayer is that God would use it to change us forever. My prayer is, of course, that she will end up in our family forever. But that's way down the road at this point. Right now, we're just looking at the next month. We're looking to love her and pour into her all we have.

We are so blessed. I am overwhelmed at the outpouring of love and prayers we've had from friends and family. There are so many people supporting and loving this little girl and us through prayer. Thank you from the bottom of my heart if that has been you. As anxious as I feel right now, I know that it will all come together, and I know that it's in God's hands. No where better to be. So we go into this with a thankful heart, blessed beyond measure with friends and family who love us so much!! And I know that if she does end up being ours forever, she will be blessed beyond measure as well. She will come to America with so many people loving her!!

I can't wait to be able to share our adventures and memories that we'll make while she's here. All of you who have prayed, this is your journey too. Thank you for contributing! Thank you for loving us well!! I feel completely covered and even at peace as I finish writing this. Yes, that is why I write. Thank you, Jesus, that we can always lay it all on you.

My Eastern European princess is on her way, and I couldn't be happier!!!

On my heart...sex trafficking

It's been quite awhile since I've blogged, and every time I get on, I remember why. Blogger is not working well for me, and if I sit for any length of time to think, I have trouble getting it to start again. That's not so easy.

But today I have something to say. I've had something for awhile, but I haven't been able to get it right. But I'm going to try now.

As most of you know, we are hosting an orphan from Ukraine this Christmas. We are so very excited about this, and we are praying that it will turn into an adoption as well. But that is yet to be determined. But in all of my excitement about this, I've been watching videos and reading books and doing lots of research about orphanages and other missions that help them. I've found many worthy ministries. There are many people out there who are helping, and for that I am truly thankful. I haven't found a lot of people in the United States who know too much about what really goes on in these orphanages (or really cares much, for that matter) but there are some.

You see, there are estimated to be 147 million orphans worldwide. That number seems overwhelming. I think that's why most people just turn a blind eye. I mean, what can one person do, right? It's much easier to pretend that they aren't there, to pretend that the healthcare crisis in America or border control or higher taxes or just Obama himself is so much more of a pressing matter. I'm not saying those things aren't important. They are. But Jesus didn't say a lot about them in his word--except that the example of the New Testament church was to sell all they had to be able to give to others.  Just sayin'.... [On a side note, I'm not sure where that puts me as a conservative Republican, but whatever.]

But Jesus did talk about the orphans. Jesus did talk about the oppressed and the poor. He told us to care for them. He told us he wouldn't leave them as orphans. Guess who are supposed to be his hands and feet--not leaving them?? THE CHURCH!

So I'm not here to preach to anyone about adoption or even hosting a child. I really don't believe that adoption is the answer. There's no way we could ever adopt all 147 million orphans out there. Not gonna happen. And people aren't going to respond to that call. Some will. Some will adopt. There are lots of people out there doing just that, and it's awesome! If you know someone--help them! Answer the call that way. Many people want to adopt but can't afford it. That is a great way to help if God has put that on your heart.

But there are so many other ways to help. There are so many other answers to the problems, so many ways to be the hands and feet of Jesus and help "the least of these." You can sponsor a child through Compassion or World Vision. I know there are lots of other ways to sponsor a child, but I know personally that these two organizations make sure that the maximum amount of your money is going to help the orphans. Follow Katie Davis at her blog Kisses from Katie and see what amazing things this young lady is doing for Jesus--just by following his call when most anyone else would have thought it was impossible. Read some books like Infinitely More and Priceless to educate yourself on what is really going on out there beyond our safe little houses and safe families.

I've found an amazing ministry called Stella's Voice. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've heard of it before, but now I'm in so deep I can't get out! I want to help. I have the overwhelming desire to help. Make sure you check out their ministry. Watch this:

Like I said, I'm in deep now. I can't back down. God has my heart. But I didn't just want to give money--although that's definitely in the plans. I know that our little bit helps as it is combined with others. But I want to do more. So here's my plan. At Christmas, everyone is more giving, right? Most people are feeling a little more charitable. I really want to get as much as I can together to send to this ministry. Their headquarters are in Alabama. The shipping can't be that much. If it gets to be so much that the shipping is ridiculous, I'll drive it there myself! But they need clothes and toiletries and toys and shoes and socks and linens. They have so many physical needs. They are trying to build two more homes that would house 70 more girls. 70 more girls that would be safe from human trafficking!!! I want to know that I'm making a difference in someone's life. It would be amazing to get to go there myself in Mondolva but that's not going to happen in time soon. So I would love to be able to help in other physicals ways.

Here are the facts. Over 20.9 million adults and children are in slavery today (sex or forced labor) according to equalitynow.org. Here's what one young survivor had to say:

"They forced me to sleep with as many as 50 customers as day. I had to give [the pimp] all my money. If I did not [earn a set amount] they punished me by removing my clothes and beating me with a stick until I fainted, electrocuting me, cutting me."--Kolab, a survivor from Cambodia

 The thing that got me so into this in the first place was hearing the statistics of orphan girls who end up in prostitution or sex trafficking. You see, in Russian (and other Eastern European countries) the orphans are turned out and expected to live on their own at 16. They are no longer adoptable and no longer a responsibility of the orphanage. This depends on the country and orphanage but the age is either 16 or 18 in each of the countries. With little education and up against insurmountable odds, what is an orphan girl to do? From statistics that I've heard, close to 90% of these girls end up as prostitutes or being sold into slavery. Human trafficking is a very lucrative business--much more lucrative than drugs. And hearing these statistics along with connecting with a sweet Ukrainian orphan (whom I've never met) just by seeing her photo, has set my heart on fire for this mission. I cannot imagine her sweet face being turned out to the streets in just a couple of years. God has given me a fierce, protective love for her already that is so deep that I just want to give her everything we can to equip her for this world. All we can really give her is Jesus. He's the only hope. My biggest prayer is that she will see that while she's here. And if God ordains it, that she will be back to live with us permanently. And in that way, maybe we can keep one more orphan out of the hands of the traffickers.

But that's just my thoughts. That's what got me to thinking about this. It got me researching and doing. And if you know me, you know I'm a doer. I got that from my mama!! I tend to sometimes do things too fast without thinking. But I know this is a good thing.

So here's what I'm asking. If you live in Knoxville (or want to mail me something) I will be collecting items to send to Stella's Voice. Like I said above, please watch the video and check out the website to see what they are all about. Here is a link to see all the things they need and the specifications. Obviously, money is also always appreciated--checks made out to Stella's Voice.

So if you feel led this Christmas to give, I'm going to start collecting whenever people start giving. If you feel led to share this with others, please do. If you feel led to help me out with this, please do. If you are in other parts of the country and you think you might want to do the same thing in your community, go for it. And let me know!! I would love to make this thing big! Just my way of trying  to help from my little corner of the world. My kids are in on this as well. The younger ones don't know all of the details of course. But we're praying. And we'll be giving as a family. Won't you join us??

Hope to hear from you soon!!!

What is required?

Last night I had Jon listen to this song.....

He had heard it before on the radio, but he has a problem actually listening to a song past the first 20 seconds. ;) It's called "Kings and Queens" by Audio Adrenaline, and I cry every time I hear it. If you just skipped over it and you're not familiar with it, it's about adoption. And it's dead on.

You see, Jon and I talk a good bit about adoption. Well, mainly I talk, he listens, and then says something about waiting for God to change his heart about it!! Ha! But recently we got a bit of good news. Jon got a new CFO position at a bigger hospital here in Knoxville. Now he will be only 12 minutes from home instead of 45-50! Plus, it comes with a salary increase. That got me thinking about the verse "Everyone to whom much was given, much will be required." (Luke 12:48.)

Now this isn't a new revelation. It's not like I all of a sudden think we have "much." I think pretty much everyone in America has "much." If you have a roof over your head, clothes on your body, food in your refrigerator and especially a device on which you are currently reading this blog post, you have "VERY MUCH" by the rest of the worlds' standards! But this current turn of events has gotten me thinking....what is required of me?

I also know this.  "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit [or care for] orphans and widows in their affliction." So we are commanded to care for the orphans. Actually, it's true religion. (Side note: I do often think the widows get a little left out of this equation so I'm not trying to short them. But for my purposes today, I'm talking about the orphans.)

Adoption is always on my radar these days. I think it's a beautiful picture of how we have been made Children of God. We were born into sin. We were as far from God's children as we could be because God cannot be in the presence of sin. But although we did not deserve any of it, our creator chose us from before the foundation of the world to be called "Sons and daughters of God." Ephesians 1:5 says, "He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will."

Of course, we have our own adoption story in this family. It has touched us in a very real and personal way. And the fact is, there are orphans out there who need families. I know there's a lot of corrupt stuff that goes on in adoption, but I don't think we can let that deter us from those truly in need.

So I worry. I worry that we aren't doing enough. We aren't doing what is required of us. I worry that we aren't practicing true religion and giving what we should be.

But today, God has been giving me another verse. 

He has told you, O man, what is good;
    and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love mercy,
    and to walk humbly with your God? ~Micah 6:8

What does the God require from us??? This is it! This is for me today! This is all I have to do--for today. You see, I'm in the wonderful position of being the wife of a wonderful man. So that means I get to submit to his decisions. Yes, you read that right. I get to!! 

Submission is a beautiful thing to me. It means that I don't have to answer for all of our family's decisions. It means that if things don't work out, I'm not the one in charge. It means that I don't have to agonize over what to do with our money or resources. Yes, I have input and opinions and Jon values 

those. But in times like this when I'm stressed over everything, I get to put that stress aside and rest. It means that the decision of whether or not to adopt is not just sitting on my shoulders. I am not to be my husband's holy spirit and continually whisper in his ears, "There are orphans who need us..."

I trust that God will speak to Jon about what to do with what He has given us. I also trust that praying will be a much more effective way of working on Jon's heart than my words in his ear! So I'll work on my part to do justice, to love mercy and to walk humbly with God. I would say that's quite the undertaking right there--enough for me to spend quite some time on!!

Adoption: the beautiful and the ugly

Adoption is a beautiful thing. But it's also hard and messy. 

I had lunch with a friend on Monday, and I told her that very statement. I was talking about my own adoption experience. I wouldn't change for the world what happened in our lives to bring us to the decision to adopt. Adoption wasn't really on our radar before that. I know some people have felt led to adopt their whole lives. Even though I grew up next to a family that adopted two children, it was never something on my heart until I struggled with my own infertility. If you haven't read my story and care to, you can read about it in part one and part two of my struggle. I know that God brought us to adoption through our circumstances--no other way around it! And I'm so thankful that he did.

You see, Liza-Hill is amazing. She has blessed our family in countless way. She also is a blessing to most everyone else that she is around. She's energetic and silly. She's self confident and knows what she wants. She loves to make people happy, and she makes a friend everywhere she goes to prove it! She has no time for school because she's constantly FaceTiming her plethora of friends. And best of all, she has an amazing heart for Jesus, and if you ask her to pray for you, you can bet she will! Adoption has been a beautiful thing in our life. Everyday I see it. I see it in her smile, hear it in her laugh, watch it in action as she dances around a room. She shines light everywhere she goes. She is love incarnate!

So how is adoption hard and messy in our house? We have a pretty easy time of it. No language barriers, no cultural differences, no past to be reminded of or work through. But I'll tell you, as wonderful as Liza-Hill is, she is still human. She is still mean to her sisters sometimes. She is still disrespectful as times. She still does plenty of things that require discipline on our part as parents. And I'm telling you what, not one time of discipling her has ever happened that it didn't cross my mind,

"Is she going to hold this against me?"

Is she going to feel like this isn't my job? Is she going to think, "If I was with my birth mom, she wouldn't be doing this." Is she thinking, "She's only doing this because I'm adopted"? And dreading the day that everyone says is coming, the day that she looks me in the eyes and shouts, "You're not my REAL mom!"

Liza-Hill has been talking about finding her birth parents for years. I know she doesn't do this to hurt me. She has no idea how it turns the knife in my heart each time she says it. I know that my daughter is a people person. She would absolutely die if she couldn't be around people. So having that unknown about her birth parents in her life is a hard thing. I don't blame her, and it's not like I don't understand. I just know what's very likely going to happen from there.

I hear stories quite often of happy reunions--birth mothers and their biological children. I don't hear them as often about birth fathers, but I met Liza-Hill's birth father. I'm sure he's going to be just as excited to see her as she is him. She has his personality through and through. I hear of kids who were placed for adoption going on vacation with their birth mothers (and their family.) They spend time together at family reunions or other important events.  I always hear these stories in a wonderful, positive light. And to the people telling them, they are a wonderful thing.

But as I hear these stories, my throat closes a little, my eyes fight to hold back tears, and I paste on a happy *oh-that's-so-great* smile as that knife in my heart turns a little more. And I think, "What about the adoptive parents? Where are they in all of this? What about the years of love, sweat and tears they poured into raising this child?"

I'm trying to prepare myself for that day in my life. Even more than hearing the horrible, "You're not my REAL mom," I am dreading that day. That day when she turns 21 and begins her quest, that she will not end until her goal is met, to find the parents who gave her life, the ones who brought her into this world and into my arms. I know her. I know her inside and out. And I know that she will have to do this. I won't stop her. It's who she is. She will have to know them. She will have to seek out her blood sister as well, the one that her birth mom placed for adoption two years before she was born. She will do this because they are a part of her, and she needs them.

I would never deny them the blessing of knowing my sweet Liza-Hill. They made that unselfish choice to give her to me so many years ago, and I will be forever grateful. No, I would not try to keep her from them or them from her. She WILL make their lives better, happier, fuller.

It's times like these, when I get so overwhelmed with the thought of having to share her one day, that I have to remember that none of my children "belong" to me. They belong to Jesus. I have no idea what could happen to any of them even tomorrow. I trust in my Savior for the care of all of them, and I must do the same for Liza-Hill. I must share her one day. I know that.

My prayer is that while it will be exciting for her one day to meet her birth family, she will always remember my snuggles, my tickles, my back rubs, my songs, my silliness, my words, my time and my tears. That may be selfish of me, but I really don't care. :) She will always be mine even if I have to share her a little bit, and I pray for the grace to do that well.

Foster Care/Adoption

You know, God really is the perfect parent, isn't he? I mean, this may seem too obvious to state, but it's so true. While we, as parents, scream, beg, plead, threaten, pout, (and on and on ad nauseam) to get our kids to do what we want/have planned for them; God does this completely differently! He works in gentle nudges, patient whispers, loving snippets from his precious Word. The Bible tells us he is long suffering. I never really understood why it used "long suffering" instead of "patient" but I've started to see over the years how that it exactly what the term should be.

Anyway, as I was driving to the homeschool convention on Thursday, God got me thinking. I was by myself with just Cedar as I was traveling from my parents' house in GA to meet Jon in Orlando. I had a lot of time to think by myself in the car--which NEVER happens for that long of a period of time. So I prayed a lot and sang praises a lot and enjoyed my time with him. But in the midst of this, he brought to mind "adoption" as he does often with me. Some of you probably think that is a silly thought with us having six kids and the youngest not even a year yet, but we have always said we would love to adopt again. These days, though, it seems that it's turned into just my dream instead. That's okay. My sweet husband is stressed and stretched beyond belief with finances and his time so I can't blame him for feeling like he can't handle another child. So I don't say much. It's in God's hands.

But the other day, God took my mind and heart on another trail of thought. Well, I shouldn't say it's different, it's just the first time he's brought it to my mind in this way. Once again, foster care came into my mind. I recently heard a letter read on the radio from a teenage girl in foster care. She had been bounced around to about five different houses and had finally landed in a Christian home. Through a certain stream of events, she said she finally heard herself laughing for the first time in a year. Then she was more interested in who this God was, etc. etc. The letter was very recent, and she was in the midst of "figuring it all out" so there was no major resolution, but it made me think. Of course, once again I brushed it off as "that wouldn't be good for my own children that God has given me to bring up." I mean, it's easy to think that. What if we got a child who had a terrible mouth and said all sorts of bad things in front of my children? What if we got a child who had watched terrible movies and told my kids all about them? Or worse, what if we got a child who had been sexually abused (or abused in any way) and did things to my children that are unspeakable? And then the big one--what would my children do if we got a baby (or little one) and then we had to "give it back"? What if? What if? So, the answer seemed an easy one.

But God's like that, isn't he? He doesn't let you go that easily. Just as I was giving my reasons once again why we certainly couldn't bring a foster child into our home and telling God that we were responsible for these precious blessings that he had given us, he asked me "And what about those children in foster care? Who is responsible for them? Someone failed them. Someone didn't do their job. And who's got to suffer for it?" Once again, it's the children who suffer. It's the "least of these" that aren't taken care of. And who has Jesus called to do this?

³¹ "When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. ³²Before him will be gathered all the nations, an ⁾he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. ³⁴Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. ³⁵For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you  gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, ³⁶ I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' ³⁷Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? ³⁸And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? ³⁹And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' ⁴⁰And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'

    ⁴¹"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴²For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, ⁴³I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.' ⁴⁴Then they also will answer, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?' ⁴⁵Then he will answer them, saying, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' ⁴⁶And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."        ~Matthew 25: 31-46

So, if we are to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we are to take care of the "least of these." How do we do this? It looks different for everyone, I know. But as God started laying these children on my heart, I just found myself bawling as I drove down the interstate! These children have been failed. Yes, it is my responsibility to take care of my own, to shelter them, to make sure that their lives are kept holy and pure. But it's also my responsibility to take care of those who can't take care of themselves. I think about children right here in our own country who go to bed hungry because their parents spend the money on drugs or alcohol rather than on food for them. I think of children who cower in closets because they are afraid of getting beat again or can't stand watching their dad beat their mom. I think of children who are scared to close their eyes at night because of the movies or other things they've been allowed to watch. I think of children (yes, even here in America) who are being used a sex slaves and all the irreparable damage that is being done to them. I think of these children and all the other horrible situations out there that children find themselves in--at no fault of their own--and I think "I have the answer." Jesus is the answer! And if people who have the answer don't share it with those kids--who else will?? The state?? Yeah, right.

I don't know how this looks in my life right now. I don't know how this plays out. I do know that I haven't even mentioned it to my husband, and I'm pretty sure what his first response will be. But I also know that I serve a powerful God, and if he wants foster children in my home, then he will have them there!! What does this look like for my kids? I don't know. I do know, though, that the best "lesson" or example I can give them is the example of Christ. I know that the only way they are going to have a servant's heart is to see their parents with one. Only time will tell, but God has gotten my heart to the place where this is a possibility and maybe even a desire. So we'll see what great things he has in store for us.... It's always an exciting ride!

My heart is filled with joy!!

Praise God from whom all blessings flow!!

 Vanya is going home!! He's got a forever home now!! There have been several families who have expressed a desire to adopt this sweet precious boy, and one of them is going to be the most blessed of all to welcome him into their family!!

I've prayed so many times for this little boy over the past week or so as God has brought him to my mind. It makes my heart soar to know that he's got a family!! How great is our God! He works in mighty ways in the hearts of his people.

Thank you to the ones of you who reposted my posts about Vanya! That page on my blog got triple the amount of hits yesterday than any of them ever have!! I was amazed and humbled that God would use it to get the word out.

Thank you, God, that you care for the orphans--and that you use your people here on earth to do it! I thank you for turning your people's hearts towards this ministry of adoption and that we would continue until every last little boy and girl has a forever home!

Please spread the word

Here's Vanya waiting for his forever home. Isn't he precious?

I don't have a lot of time because I'm waiting for my family to get into town, but I just saw this on a friend's blog, and I had to share it!

This little boy, Vanya, needs a forever home!! He is in Eastern Europe, and he is pleading for a home! You see, Vanya is HIV+. He truly believes that he will soon be chosen. The fact is, he must be chosen or a much worse fate than living in an orphanage awaits him. He will be sent to a mental institution--which is where they send all older children who don't get adopted. The saddest part is that he doesn't need to go there for any reason because he has no mental problems!! Imagine the thought! Imagine what he will see and have to endure until he gets old enough to be set "free." How then will he have a normal life to be able to function.

From what I understand, with the right medical care, an HIV+ child can live a full healthy life without the disease ever developing into AIDS. You also do not have to be afraid of transmission to you or your other children through any amount of kissing, hugging, playing, sharing of cups, or any normal childhood stuff!

Oh, every fiber in my being wants to adopt this child! I want to grab him up and kiss him and love him and tell him "Yes, you are chosen!" Right now is not the time for us. I think with my heart. My husband thinks with his head. Together, we make a pretty good team! But right now is not our time.

But maybe it's time for one of you or someone you know. The link that I've linked to is a blog where they are raising money to give to a family to adopt this child!! You would not be alone! Share this on your blog, share on your facebook page, share by word of mouth!! Just share!! Let's get Vanya home!!

Inspiration

Wow! Talk about an inspiration. I discovered a young woman today that has blown me away. She's doing something that most people would only dream about and never really think to actually do!! You can read her blog here and find out more, but I'll whet your interest a little.

This young lady, Katie Davis, is only 22 years old and is the mother of 14 orphaned girls in Uganda. Not only is she the mother of these girls, but she has started a whole non-profit organization called Amazima (scroll down and click on the icon on the right side of the page.) This ministry finds sponsors for the poorest of the poor children in Uganda. She's got 400 so far that are able to go to school, eat meals seven days a week, get medical care and learn about Jesus because of these sponsors. She was 19 years old when she went and started this!! She went for the first time at 16, again at 17, and then decided it was God's calling for her to do this. Amazing!

She not only has 14 daughters now, but she takes in needy and hurting mothers and children when they need it. She just does it all for Jesus. She truly has His heart. She's someone who needs our prayers and maybe even a donation!! I know I'll be keeping up with her now that I've found this. Make sure you click on her blog above and also on the Amazima link. They are two different things. The Amazima link tells more about her story and how she got there.

Infertility: My Journey; God's Destination--Part II

If you haven't read "part I" do so first!

Around the same time that we got the news that the last round of artificial insemination didn't "work" we also found out that Jon lost his job. He had been working at a new business with some men that he really respected from our church, and they had gotten in a sticky spot (in other words, they lost all the money they put into it!) and there was no money left to pay employees. So we gave it two months. If he got another job, great. If not, we were moving to Naples.

Well, I guess you know how that turned out! So August 2000, we moved down to Naples--temporarily, of course! :) I never planned to be here this long. I wasn't happy about moving when we first started talking about it, but I really prayed that God would change my heart. He did. He not only made me "okay" with coming down, He actually got me excited about it.

As soon as we got here, I got a Bible Study going with some of the younger moms that I knew/had met. It is called Motherwise by Denise Glen. It is probably the best Bible Study that I've ever done on mothering and definitely what I needed at the time. I've done it three times, and I was just thinking recently I need to do it again! :) In the first video, Denise shares that she struggled with infertility as well. Of course that struck a chord. She talked about how she was consumed with it--hmmm, sounded familiar. So a Christian counselor told her that she needed to pray, "God, it's okay if I never have any children. All I want is you." To make a long story short, she did pray that prayer, and she had three kids. Okay, obviously a whole lot more went on there, but this isn't her story! :) But I felt a tug on my heart to pray that prayer. I was under no illusions. I knew that praying that prayer didn't assure me that I would have more children. After all (as everyone so kindly kept pointing out to me) I was already a mother to one.

I knew I really wanted to MEAN that prayer, but I knew I couldn't mean it just by praying it. So I began to pray it anyway, and I asked God to change my heart. I knew he was the only one who could make me mean it! I don't remember when I started praying that prayer, but I prayed it everyday--along with the part about asking God to help me mean it!! But I do remember the day, in September 2001 in my bathroom while drying my hair, when I finally meant it!! It just hit me. I knew that my life was his--totally and completely and that it really WAS okay if I never had another baby. I could honestly say all I wanted was Him!! I literally fell to my knees crying then got as prostrate as I could. You know there are only a few times in your life (well, in mine anyway) that you feel that close to God and completely in His presence.

I didn't expect to take a positive pregnancy test the next month. I didn't expect anything. I really just wanted Him!! Little did I know that at that time that for about a month He had been knitting together a Masterpiece perfectly fitted for our family in someone else's womb! I'm sure there are many reasons why she was born in someone else's womb and not my own, but I do know one!! Liza-Hill's birth mom came to know Christ through her relationship with Covenant Care and placing her baby for adoption. She shared that at one of their banquets, and I was thrilled to be able to share that with Liza-Hill when she was old enough to understand!!

So from September 2001 to March 2002, all was pretty quiet on the fertility front! :) I gave my testimony at our Women's Retreat at church, and I had faith that it wasn't complete yet. Although I continued to live by faith day in and day out that Jesus was all I needed.

Well, the rest of the story is history. I shared a bit of Liza-Hill's "birth story" the other day. She came to complete (or so we thought) our family in March 2002.

Six months later I thought I had a stomach bug. I threw up for three days and couldn't figure it out! Pregnancy didn't cross my mind, but out of the blue I thought to take a test. You can imagine my ultimate shock when that test showed positive!! "Elated" cannot begin to describe my emotions!!  I was about 7 weeks pregnant, and my baby had just turned six months old!! Breck was born in April 2003, 6 weeks after Liza-Hill's first birthday!!

A year later, almost to the day, another pregnancy test showed positive, and Shepley was born in January 2005--20 months later. It was at this time that I had three babies under three years old, and I prayed within five minutes of her birth for God to please give me 2 1/2 years before my next one! :)

2 1/2 years later--to the month--my sweet Cama-Jane was born. And almost three years after her, our precious Cedar made his entry!!

So out of the last nine years, there have only been 3 months that I haven't been pregnant or nursing!! And I've loved every minute of it (well, maybe there were 3 or 4 minutes that I didn't love!) :)

I know not every person who struggles with infertility ends up with this story. (They probably don't all want to end up with this story!!) :) But I'm so thankful that God chose to bless us over and over with His precious children. They are the only blessings (besides our salvation) that are eternal. They are the only things we can "take with us" when we go!! :)

As for my journey through infertility--well, I wouldn't have it any other way!! God knew exactly what I needed. He knew my heart. No, wanting to have a big family is not a bad thing. But He showed me that I wanted that more than I wanted Him. I was making my family an idol. ANYTHING that we want more than Him is idolatry and sinful. He loved me enough to make me get that out of my heart before giving me the desires of my heart. If he hadn't, I would have never known how to truly love him with my whole heart. He knew what it would take to break me--where my passions really ran deep. And He proved to me that if I can trust him with my family, I can trust him with anything--because if you know me, you know they are my heart!

Yes, he's had to "remind" me a few times! I don't live continually where I should be--completely in his presence. But I know what it's like to be there, and I don't ever want to stray too far!!

Infertility: My Journey; God's Destination--Part I

I decided to write about my journey through infertility because so many people who know me now didn't know me when I was going through that time of my life. "Infertile" is about the last thing that probably runs through peoples' minds when they see me marching into Target or Jason's Deli (two of our favorite places to frequent) with all my kids in tow. And yet about ten years ago I heard "You have less than a 2% chance of ever getting pregnant again" from an obnoxious, pompous fertility doctor with a major god complex!

This story starts long ago--way before I ever met Jon. As a little girl and through my growing up years I always knew I wanted a big family. I don't know why! I never played with baby dolls or barbies. I didn't come from a big "immediate" family (although both of my parents were one of five.) But somewhere in my heart, God placed within me a desire to be a wife and mommy and make a career out of it! So that was my plan!

When I got pregnant the first time at 22 years old, it wasn't that difficult. Nine months later our sweet first born little boy was born, and I couldn't have been happier!! This was what I had always dreamed of. Everything was happening according to "plan."

Well, we never used birth control again, but somehow a year later then two years later, I wasn't pregnant again. We decided to go to the fertility doctor in Chattanooga (not the above mentioned Dr.) He put me on some fertility drugs for a few months, and those didn't work. Then I had to give myself shots everyday for awhile. During one week of the month I had to have some pretty major shots to I let a nurse friend of mine give them to me. Those hurt like crazy!! All these shots made my hormones do the craziest of things--which I shudder now to think about!! We tried two months of artificial insemination, and after those didn't work we decided to quit. We were young and poor!!

It was at this point that I was definitely at my lowest. I believed God had abandoned me. I questioned God over and over about how he could do this to me if he loved me. My claim was that all I ever wanted was to have lots of children to raise for him. How could that be a bad thing?? I couldn't get my brain around it. I had someone point out to me Romans 8:28, that "all things work together for good for those who love him and are called according to his purpose." While I believe that this verse is completely correct, let me tell you that it is not the verse to quote to someone who is hurting. They will figure it out on their own all in good time!

For about two weeks, I truly questioned God's existence and goodness. (I know my mom is going to fall over that I'm actually writing that and admitting those feelings!!) :) But it's the truth. Jon was quite scared that lightning was going to strike me down. But God had other ideas in mind of how to get my attention.

We were living in Lookout Mtn., GA at the time, and it was spring--my favorite season there. I remember it just like it was yesterday. I was driving down the mountain noticing the stark difference between the gorgeous blue sky and the newly bloomed deep green leaves on the trees. Out of nowhere it came--caught me completely off guard. I heard it in my heart, but it was as clear as if someone had screamed it in my ear--"Who do you think made this?" Well, I'm not stupid. I know that there's no way this amazing creation could come from nothing. And as soon as I heard that question, I heard another--"Who do you think made you?" Ah, that was the question that deserved an answer. And I knew the answer. I had always known. But as I thought about what I really believed I knew there was no way I could believe that this creation, these creatures, complicated human beings could just evolve from nothing into the mystery that astounds even the most brilliant scientists. I knew God was real. And I knew he made me. And I knew if God existed, he was good, and that's what I had to believe by faith.

God took me home and took me straight to the book of Job. I read it all the way through that day. As I got to the end, God gave me quite a pounding with

"Where were you when I laid the foundation of the earth?
   Tell me, if you have understanding." (Job 38:4)

and

"Have you commanded the morning since your days began, and caused the dawn to know its place," (Job 38:12) 

You get my drift here. Read the last few chapters of Job starting at chapter 38 if you aren't familiar with it. It will put you in your place if you are questioning God about anything going on in your life!! :) On and on I read, and more and more I understood that this was not in my hands. This situation was in the hands of the God of the Universe. I didn't understand it, but it wasn't time for me to yet. And I've learned through the years that we never understand it while we're in the fire! It's only on the other side that we are able to see the "why" (even if he allows us to at that point!) So I had to be content to wait. I'm not really good at that!!

At this point Trand was 3 years old, and I seriously thought that having children this far apart was just about the worst thing that could happen!! Jon and I both felt God leading us toward adoption. We knew we didn't want to go into debt with fertility treatments that could lead nowhere, and we knew that there was a baby out there that God planned for us and our family. So we started looking at agencies.

We chose Covenant Care in Macon, GA mainly because I had grown up in the same church as the director there so we had a connection. We started the process, but in the meantime we had moved to FL. We also (for some reason) made a visit to the afore mentioned fertility doctor who told us we had a 2% chance of ever conceiving again! Ha!!

Over the course of the fourteen months span between our initial decision to go with Covenant Care and the day we got our little girl, God grew me up! He did a number on my heart that could only have been done through infertility. I know that now. I know that that was the ONLY way to get where he needed to get in my life. So I will post Part II of my story very soon, but now I need to get to bed!!

Happy Birthday, Liza-Hill

My plan this year was to write each of the kids' birth stories on their birthdays, but so far this year two have passed me by without me doing it!! So I'll start with my most unique "birth" story! Most of you who know me "in person" know that nine years ago today, we had no idea that Liza-Hill was even out there!! We had been struggling with infertility and had decided that adoption was something that we wanted to pursue. So although today is the day she was born on this earth, my sweet Liza-Hill was actually "born" to us eight days later! For years I didn't offer Liza-Hill's birth story. We were told when we adopted her that we shouldn't really proclaim that fact. It was for her to decide when she got old enough. The fact that she was a white American baby (and who happens to look just like us and totally fit in our family!) made that very easy. But in the last couple of years, she not only accepts the fact that she's adopted, she completely embraces it and tells everyone she knows!! :) She makes being adopted look so special and fun that my six year old laments the fact that she wasn't adopted!! Liza-Hill is the eternal optimist and sees every glass half full!

On March 15th the adoption agency called our house and left a message to call them back (back in the days when people didn't regularly call cell phones or even have your cell number!) I didn't get the message til after 5 pm so I was going to call on Monday. They called me Monday morning at exactly 9 am to tell me that we had a baby girl, and by that time she was five days old!! We had no idea that anyone was even looking at our profile because her birth mom wanted it that way. We still had to have one last thing done for our home study so the case worker here in FL graciously finished that up on Tuesday. We left for GA on Wednesday. And we had our baby girl in our arms on Thursday!! It was a whirlwind of excitement. 14 months of waiting to adopt was over! Five years of waiting for another baby in our home was over!! As I looked at her, I knew she was the child born in my heart. I had loved her and prayed for her for so long--even before she was conceived.

Here we were nine years ago. A new family of four!! Trand was so excited to finally have the little sister he had been praying for!! And Jon's beard cracks me up every time I look at these pictures!! :)

My sweet Liza-Hill, you have brought so much joy to our lives and so many smiles to our faces!! I cannot imagine life without you!! I love how you have embraced your adoption. I love that you think it's the most wonderful thing in the world!! I love how you proudly announce that you have been adopted twice--by your parents and by God! You are a wonderful example of God's faithfulness and love for his children. You light up a room with your smile, and my heart sings with your giggles!! I love you, my precious promise!!