Some of what I've learned about homeschooling

17 years ago I decided I'd like to try my hand at homeschooling. It wasn't going to be forever. It would be just long enough to "get him ahead" and over the energetic boy years. Jon and I discussed it and decided it would be a good thing for our inquisitive, highly emotional, determined little boy. So being who I am (and coming with a teaching degree and no other kids at the time) I sat down and wrote out a curriculum for 3 and 4 year old preschool. Hahahaha!!! I laugh at that now, but at the time I was convinced he'd be "behind" if he didn't have that. Well, we worked hard, we had fun, we both learned (and cried) A LOT....and the rest is history. That boy graduated from our homeschool two years ago, hiked the Appalachian Trail, and is now about to graduate as an internationally certified commercial diver doing what he's always dreamed of doing.

Starting with his kindergarten year, we added a lot of babies along the way. In all 13 years of his "formal schooling" there wasn't one year without a baby or toddler for distraction. My youngest was 4 when my oldest graduated, and that was a close as we ever got. At times I questioned whether we were really doing the right thing. Should he be somewhere that he could be more focused? Was I giving him everything he needed to prepare for life? You have no idea how many moms have asked me over the years, "What do you do with your babies and toddlers while you homeschool? What are the tricks to keeping them busy and happy while you work with the others? HOW DO YOU DO THIS??" My answer: "It looks different every.single.day." If you want concrete answers and you're good with schedules and all that jazz, there are plenty of homeschooling gurus out there who can give you lists of ideas. But that was never me. Most days I just wore my baby in a sling or wrap or some other baby wearing device (we didn't have nearly the amount to choose from back then) and went about my day instructing here and there, listening to someone read, nursing the baby, loving on a toddler, refereeing fights, maybe doing some dishes, nursing the baby, listening to multiplication tables, reading bible stories, switching some laundry, preparing for co-op class, nursing the baby, on and on until we fell into bed and got up the next day to do it all over again. And I wouldn't change a thing.....

My reasons for homeschooling changed a lot over the years. I won't go into great detail over each philosophy, but I'd say every couple of years or so I'd realize I was doing this for a whole different reason than what I had been. Like I said, when we started it was just to "get him ahead" and have him be the smartest kid in 3rd grade (when I figured we'd put him in school.) Oh how I chuckle about that now. Literally LOLing here in my living room. Then once we went to the homeschool convention in FL, my husband told me we could never put our children in school!! We certainly couldn't risk what those schools would do to them!! Once again, LOLing here!! And so we warrior-ed on this not so well beaten path blazoned by the homeschool heroes that we had grown to love and admire. We believed that this was the path down which God was taking us (and I still believe that because I believe in his sovereignty) and this was the only way for our kids.

So here's the thing....none of what we did was wrong or bad or anything to hurt our kids, but we bought into a lot of crap along the way that could have if we hadn't decided to listen to our kids instead. There is a whole lot of stuff that many hard core homeschoolers want to heap upon you and "add to" the gospel to make their's the "best" way and ensure the "best" kids coming out of your home. And they will tell you, sometimes subtly sometimes not so subtly, that you are flat out wrong if you do it differently. I can't tell you how strong the push is for certain philosophies out there, and if I hadn't been the personality that I was, I shudder to think where I could've gotten lost along the way. I also believe my sweet, level headed husband saved me from so much garbage that could've led me astray of the real gospel and what parenting and homeschooling really is.

Somewhere along the way I started realizing that my kids would really be okay if we were to put them in school. Not only okay, but there were probably some things that would actually make them better human beings. This was novel to me. (If you're laughing right now, that's okay.) So every year we do a recheck of where we are, where our kids are, and we see what would be best. 

Somewhere along the way I begin to understand that this wasn't about having the smartest kids or making them into little geniuses. I realized that my kids were never going to be geniuses, actually, and that was okay and not the goal. And I actually cringe now when I see posts by homeschooling moms hailing "homeschooling" as being the reason why their kids are so smart. Let me tell you a secret...it's not. For every homeschooler out there reading at 3, there are 2 more that aren't reading until they are 10 or 12. If you laud homeschooling as the reason your little one is doing algebra at 9, there are plenty of others out there wondering what they are doing wrong since their 14 year old still can't grasp multiplication or their 11 year old is struggling with reading comprehension or their 13 year old can't write a correct sentence. 

Somewhere along the way I learned that keeping them away from all the bad stuff wasn't going to save them and make them into the good, obedient, helpful and mannerly kids that I had seen at the homeschool conventions. Yes, I had been jealous of those families. I had wondered how their kids had magically turned out to be obedient and mannerly children who loved one another and respected their parents when mine got angry, yelled at each other (and us), never obeyed the first time (we were lucky if they did the 3rd or 4th), and seemed unruly and disruptive. Sadly, since those early days I've learned a lot of what many parents did to keep their kids in line, and much of it was pure child abuse. I'm not saying that all homeschooling parents did that--in the least--but in so many cases, it was. And their children have grown up now to tell the world about it.

Somewhere along the way I also began to see the truth among many lies. My eyes were opened to much of the white-washing of American history done by homeschool (and many public and Christian school) curriculums and leaders. I saw much of what I had learned (or hadn't learned at all) in school was very slanted, to say the least. I realized that my kids needed diversity in their lives. They needed different perspectives than what they were getting being around people just like them. They needed to be in the world, not kept from it. And I wanted them to do that while they were still at home, having discussions with us, asking hard questions, and feeling the freedom to disagree with us if they needed. We always direct them back to the gospel. The answers are there. There is no church, religion, homeschooling philosophy, parenting philosophy, anything that has all the answers. They will all fail you. Only Jesus will not fail. I have learned he is the only answer, and that that answer can take many different shapes, forms and philosophies in this broken world where we live.

Somewhere along the way my kids taught me a lot of stuff. They taught me to question societal claims of how to have the smartest kids and whether that was even important. They taught me that "courting" wasn't going to save them from make all the mistakes I did. They taught me that adding rules to the gospel did nothing but heap guilt and sorrow onto all of our souls. They taught me about true forgiveness and grace. They taught me that just observing and obeying cultural norms was not the way to parent. They taught me to trust them and their natural curiosities about the world around them. I've learned that academics isn't the highest goal (or even one of the top 3) for me. Teaching the WHOLE child, knowing their hearts, listening to the beat of their existence to learn what makes each one of them tick is the desire of my free spirited heart.

Somewhere along the way God showed me that to "train up a child in the way they should go" doesn't always mean what we think it means. It's not a promise that if we teach our children the truth they will not ever stray. But I do think it means that we need to know our children's hearts. We need to see their passions and desires, gifts and abilities, and encourage those things. We should tailor their education (whether in homeschooling or school) to training them in those passions and talents. When we know our children's hearts, we can help guide them in those areas. There are no cookie cutter kids. They are all different and should be treated as such.

Like I said, my philosophy of homeschooling has morphed over the years into so many different things. I no longer desire to have the perfect looking kids because I know their hearts are no different than anyone else's without Jesus. I no longer care if my kids are the smartest or read the earliest or make the best grades. I no longer buy into much of the philosophy upon which the religious homeschooling movement was built. For the last two years I've really considered school, mainly for the diversity that it would provide my children. But I keep going back to my main desire for my kids' education and that is educating the whole child and knowing their hearts. I know people who do this well while sending their kids to school, but I know myself and I don't think I could do it. I am passionate about them finding who they are and pursuing that. If that includes college, fine. If it doesn't, fine too. Our educational system in America isn't really geared that way so I struggle. I've got one who has big goals outside of school and academics, and we need to gear our lives to be able to continue his education even while pursuing other interests. Plus, there's the fact that I can't imagine not hanging out with my kids all day!!

So for now, homeschooling is a good way of life for us. We will continue to be open to different thoughts and ideas and revelations from Jesus. Until something changes we will march on in this homeschooling life. We will watch and marvel at the amazing creations our children are. We will live free and unhindered by what society and culture tell us is important. We will keep figuring out how unschooling fits into the "rules" that TN gives us. And we will continue to train our children up in the way THEY should go, their each individual way, so that when they are old they will not depart from it, and trust that they will live the fulfilled life that God in his sovereignty has planned for them.

If you know me, you know I LOVE to talk about parenting and homeschooling. And if anyone ever wants to talk, just let me know!! I'm available, and talking is one of my greatest talents. ;)

Grace, oh Irresistible Grace

Irresistible Grace. If you've been around the Reformed world of faith for any amount of time, you're most certainly familiar with this term. As reformed believers, we believe that the Grace of God is so irresistible that no one whom he has called can "resist" this call. We are not drawn to our Heavenly Father by the rules or laws in the Bible that we so often talk about. We aren't even drawn out of fear of eternal damnation. That one may work for awhile, as many "preachers and teachers" of the Bible like to use that one, and it makes for good numbers at revivals and numbers of baptisms each year.  (Sorry, I may be stepping on some toes there.) But after awhile, without a relationship with Jesus where one understands grace, even the fear of hell starts to wear. The only thing that truly draws people to Christ and keeps them there is Grace--undeserved, unmerited Grace.

(I understand that not all believers are reformed and probably not everyone reading this is a believer. That's okay. I think we can all agree that we need grace--whether from God or each other--and we are drawn to those who give it.)

So my question is this....if we, as believers, believe that we love our Heavenly Father because of his grace, why would we not want to parent our children the same way? It's something that I started thinking about years ago, and it has shaped every part of my parenting.

When I became a parent 20 years ago, I wanted what I think most Christian moms want. I wanted to know everything I could about bringing up my children for Jesus. I wanted kids who loved Jesus from an early age, and I wanted to "save" them from ever making the mistakes I did.  So what did I do? Well, I read books, I listened to moms who had well behaved kids, and I prayed that God would show me how to parent the way he wanted me to. (At least I got one thing right.) Now, I am not saying that it's wrong to read parenting books or get advice from veteran moms, but I'm just saying it probably takes a bit more of a litmus test than what I did. My thought now is, when asking advice on parenting, don't ask the mom with the well behaved 4 year old. Ask the mom whose grown child still wants to come home. (By the way, there is not just one way to achieve this. The secret is....there is no formula, only Jesus.)

I found myself pregnant in 1996, and guess what book came out that very year?? "On Becoming Babywise" by Gary Ezzo. I had heard of him and his study being done in hundreds of churches around the country called "Growing Kids God's Way." It was all the rage on how to make those little selfish 8 pound brats (who came into this world wanting to split up your marriage and nurse 24 hours a day) into self reliant, obedient, respectful angels who slept 8-10 hours by 2 months old. This "On Becoming Babywise" book was the secular companion. You didn't have to commit to the 10 week course, and it was available everywhere. Here it was--the answer that every young Christian mom was looking for. Here was the formula, right? I mean, how can you argue with "Growing Kids God's Way"??? And the person who gave it to me was someone I really respected who had a couple of children and seemed to have it together. So I read it, and sadly, I bought into it.

I'll admit, it seemed extreme. I mean, did babies really come into this world as manipulating little beings who could ruin a marriage if they got their way of making our family a "child centered" family? As a believer in total depravity, I guess I could buy that--maybe?? But all these other moms were raving about his book. Their babies slept through the night by 4 weeks, 8 weeks, etc. Their babies were on 3 hour eating schedules and having their nursing time, awake time, sleep time right on schedule. They were sleeping on their own and they didn't need to nurse to sleep. (I don't think I realized that that was even a big deal until Ezzo told me.) Actually, I didn't realize any of this was a big deal until Ezzo told me. But because if I gave into any of my baby's demands, picked him up when he cried, or (worst thing of all) let him sleep with us, I was going to make him into a selfish brat that would rule our house with his demanding ways....I read on and I paid attention.

Skip forward a few years. I had been a mom for a few years. I had figured out that all kids weren't the same. All discipline didn't work the same for every kid. And maybe, just maybe, there wasn't a formula. So I did a really crazy thing. I told my husband I thought that we needed to stop spanking our child and just show grace. He was three. He was angry. He felt our discipline was unjustified, and he didn't feel respected.

So our next child came along....and I was going to do it right this time. I never let her cry. She slept in my bed, right beside me, Ezzo be damned. But then I figured out around 3 months that she wanted to sleep alone. Hahaha!! (all babies are NOT the same.) And then the next baby came.....he slept with us for about 8-9 months and then did great transitioning to his bed. And then our next baby came.....and she stayed in our room for quite some time. Then another and another. And all these babies were shown all the affection, attention and love they needed, whenever they needed it.

I remember seeing a video a couple of years ago. It was from when my oldest was about 8 and the 2nd, 3rd and 4th were 3, 2, and 1. Several times during the video I told my oldest to stop doing something that was completely just childish. There was nothing "wrong" with what he was doing. He was being a kid. And eventually I sent him to his room. When I saw this video, I cried. I sobbed. I saw what I had done, and I couldn't forgive myself. You see, my oldest child's love language is "quality time." So every time I ever sent him to his room, sent him away from me, I told him "I don't want you around" even though that's not what I thought I was telling him. I just thought I was saying, "We need some time apart." But he heard, "I don't want you here." And now I know this. So seeing myself send him away for something so trivial just killed me.

I didn't understand grace. 

I didn't know that the way I had been conditioned to parent was without grace. He was supposed to obey what I said, when I said it. Right? Isn't that what the books said? First time obedience. That was the most important thing. Ahhhhh, how many things I didn't understand. 

Skip forward about 12 years. (Today, 4/9/17)

Sometimes things happen that make me think, "I so wish I believed in spanking right now." Today was one of those days. Some of you who know me may know that my youngest child (#6 who is also 6 yo/almost 7) has never been easy in church. Church was absolute torture from the time he was too old for nursery (when he turned 4) until about 6 months ago when he miraculously started being okay with children's church. Some Sundays though. Today was one of those. We have bagels downstairs at church, and Cedar knows that. So his routine is to go downstairs as soon as we get there, get his bagel and cream cheese and bring it up and sit with us. Today I waited and waited, and he never came. I asked Shepley to go check on him. She came back saying that he was downstairs, but he was in line to do the palm branches with the other kids. Oh no. I knew. I should've just told her to get him. But I thought, "Well, if he's staying, maybe he wants to..." Um, no. When the kids came in with the branches, all the others went straight to the front to wave their branches and sing. Cedar came straight to our pew, with his branch. I told him, "I think you're supposed to go up front" (still under some impression that this was his choice.) He walked out of the pew, turned back around and burst into tears. I got him calmed down, and church started. But oh something was off. He was sad and mad and off. Everything made him upset. When it was time for children's church, he refused to go. Well, that would be fine if he could actually sit in church. But with the way things were going, I knew that wasn't the case. So I tried to get him just to leave with me. He started kicking and screaming. I picked up his 65 lb. 54" body and walked out the front of the church with him pounding my back and screaming. Y'all. Here I am. A 43 year old woman with six children who obviously, to most of the world, has no idea yet on how to raise them. I took him downstairs, and I had a little chat with God. "Please show me if I'm wrong in parenting this way! We are testing this 'It's about their heart, not behavior' thing to its limits." He sat at the bottom of the stairs and yelled "Meanie" at me while I stood around the corner and cried. 

And then....oh and then.....Mary. Mary is a homeless woman who is always around at church. Usually I love Mary. We have good conversations, and she loves my kids. But today, today was not a good day for an encounter with Mary. She came right over (because of course Mary doesn't get subtleties of parents crying their eyes out over wayward children) and talked to me. I so badly wanted her to leave, but she didn't. She talked to me. She talked to Cedar. I couldn't even escape to take him outside because he had left his shoes upstairs in church and at Redeemer, broken glass is a thing. A big thing. Redeemer is a place of refuge for the unwanted, marginalized and outcast, and most of the time...they come with bottles. 

Cedar started running in circles, and Mary talked for a good 8 minutes on how unfair it was that Cedar had so much energy and she didn't. She kept saying to him, "Why won't you give me some of that energy???" And then acting honestly mad that he didn't. *sigh* I finally said, "I think you need to talk with God about that problem, not Cedar." I felt frustrated and alone. But grace. Once again, God gave me grace. Grace to talk to Mary and love her. Grace to forgive Cedar. Grace to forgive myself for not being the perfect parent with perfect kids. And then came the humility. Oh sweet humility that will never let me get too much beyond my station. No one will ever look at me and think, "She has it all together." And that's a wonderful thing because, most definitely, I do not. 

So I continued to talk to Mary because Mary doesn't leave. And Cedar started running races with himself and wanting me to count. So Mary and I counted together. And she delighted in him. She asked him questions like he was her equal, not like she was above him. And he answered. He allowed her in our game. He then started "walking in shapes" on the floor for us to guess. She was oh so impressed when I walked in a hexagon, and he knew it on the first guess. She said, "You homeschool that kid, don't you?" Haha! Yes, Mary, we homeschool. But I can't take much credit. 

Finally Mary left. She just quietly slipped away, out the door, and Cedar and I were alone. He held up his arms for me, and I scooped him up. He wrapped his legs around my waist and his arms around my neck. He laid his head on my shoulder, and he breathed me in. He knew I was safe. And then Jesus. I sat him down on a table, and looked in his eyes. I said, "Cedar, today is Palm Sunday. That's the day that we celebrate when Jesus rode into Jerusalem. He went there to die, Cedar." Cedar nodded his head, as he already knew this. 

"Why did Jesus die, Cedar? Why did he have to die on a cross?" 

"For my sins." 

"Yep. For your sins and my sins and all the world's sins. He took those sins on himself."

"You mean he ate them?"

"Well, no. They were imputed to him. That means when God looked at him, he saw it like Jesus committed all of OUR sins. All the bad things we have done and will ever do were on Jesus. And Cedar, what happened three days after he died?"

Joyfully he exclaimed, "HE ROSE AGAIN!" 

"Yes, my darling. He did. He conquered sin and death. He conquered Satan." Then...

"Cedar, do you think you have something to say to Jesus?"

"Yes." (Bows his head, closes his eyes and folds his hands...) "Dear Jesus, I'm sorry for my sins. I'm sorry that I acted so bad. Please forgive me." 

"Cedar, what do you think makes you do those things?"

Cedar looked at me with questioning eyes. 

"Our flesh makes us do those things, Cedar."

"Our rotten, stinking flesh?" Cedar asked. 

"Well, yeah. I guess you could put it that way" all the while I was giggling at this point. "Even though Jesus has taken our sin, we still live in these earthly bodies. And they like to sin. We have to keep asking the Holy Spirit for self control everyday."

"I don't have much self control. It's really hard."

"Yeah, self control is really hard. Mommy has to ask God to help me with that everyday, many times a day. We have dark hearts that are filled with sin, Cedar. We need Jesus to clean them and make them pure." 

(Then Cedar starts asking about bloody, red hearts and how they pump blood through our bodies and all the things...)

"But, Cedar, does God ever stop loving you when you sin?"

"No, Mommy, he never does."

"Does Mommy ever stop loving you?"

"No, you never stop loving me." 

"I will always love you, Cedar, no matter what."

With trusting arms wrapped around me and eyes shining..."I will always love you, too, Mommy."

And so my totally frazzled, embarrassing parental moment was a lesson in grace. Every hard moment is a lesson in grace. And the more grace we give, the more we teach our children about the grace of our Heavenly Father. I committed years ago to wanting to get to their hearts. Their hearts were the goal. The behavior was a by-product, a symptom of a sinful heart. God wants my heart, and he gives continuous, irresistible grace along the way to getting it. Grace is what draws me to my Father, and grace is what draws our children to us.

Parenting through relationship....not Fear

I've been convicted recently to start blogging again....blogging about things that have been on my heart, things that I have been struggling through especially as my kids are getting older.

One thing that I see all around me and have to fight against myself is parenting out of fear. It's ironic because most of the people I see doing this are Christians...those of us who claim to believe that God is sovereign over all. We claim that our children are not our own. They are God's. We claim that God is the only one who can change hearts and behaviors. And yet we live and parent so differently.  Looking within my own self I see why. We are conditioned to believe from very early on that WE are responsible for how our children turn out. Of course, if asked, we respond differently. We say we know it's all God, but we parent like it's us. This is usually because we are afraid of the judgement that comes from the rest of the Christian community. We are told that our children should look a certain way, act a certain way, live and love a certain way. So we pretend that God is in control while secretly we prod, pray and even punish to make sure our kids fit the good Christian mold.

The Bible doesn't say much directly about parenting. I think this is on purpose so that each of us must seek Him and listen as he leads us in parenting our own children. But one example that I've gone to over and over is the story of the Prodigal Son. The Father, that Jesus claims is just like our Heavenly Father, never demanded his way. He loved and loved and continued to love. He gave grace and mercy even when it seemed ridiculous. Tim Keller claims in his book, "Prodigal God" that this story was less about the two sons and more about the Father. The word prodigal doesn't mean "wayward" as we so often would guess. But it actually means "recklessly spendthrift."

As Keller says, "It means to spend until you have nothing left. This term is therefore as appropriate for describing the father in the story as his younger son. The father's welcome to the repentant son was literally reckless, because he refused to 'reckon' or count his sin against him or demand repayment."

The Father recklessly gave grace, love and mercy to his son who had used him, taken everything from him and basically told him he wished he were dead. I'm wondering if this father was worried about what everyone around him thought when he gave into his son's demands that he give him his inheritance now. I also wonder if the son would've returned to his father's home if his father had made sure he knew he was wrong, written off, no good? What made the son think he could actually be forgiven by a father that he embarrassed in front of the whole community? The only answer is Grace. He knew his father would give him grace.

I'm pretty sure this son didn't up and demand his way one day. I'm pretty sure he must've had a reputation for doing just that. He was probably the defiant kid with angry eyes, crossed arms, and pouting lips about having to sit in worship. He was probably the kid who crawled through drainage pipes, jumped over fences and scaled the playground equipment to stand at the scary top when all the mothers were freaking out about how dangerous it was. He was probably the kid who decided to punch the wrong doer because he didn't want to be a tattletale and thought he needed to "take care of it himself." He was probably the kid who walked miles and miles to his girlfriend's house without anyone knowing where he was. He was probably the kid who used bad language and went barefoot to church. He was probably a lot like my oldest son.

And so maybe this father, like me, had to make a decision that his relationship with his son was more important to him than blind obedience. Maybe he had to come to the realization that he could never change his son's heart. Only God could do that by using his earthly father to show him the grace and love of our Heavenly Father. Maybe he decided that it mattered less what other believers thought of his parenting and more how his parenting affected his son.

I'm so grateful that God taught me so many of these things early on in my parenting. I'm grateful that he showed me that I needed to get to know my child and what he needed rather than to worry about what others thought. Oh, I can't say I was perfect at that. I failed miserably at times. But thankfully, I learned. I'm still learning, but I'm so much of a better parent today to my kids still at home because of what I learned in the early years. Do I still fail?? Um, yes. Fearful parenting shows up in a lot of different ways....

In this day and age of social media and internet, there are LOTS of things of which to be fearful when thinking about it from the world's point of view. Everywhere we are bombarded with people's opinions and warnings about what our kids should and shouldn't look at, participate in, etc. I'm not saying these warnings aren't good or helpful. As parents it's our job to know what's going on with our kids, what they are involved in and especially what is going on in their phones, computers or other electric devices!! But I've become aware recently that I had given in to the fear again.

My 14 year old daughter has been asking me if she can have snapchat for months. Literally, MONTHS!! She let me know that she was the only one of her friends who didn't have it. Who hasn't heard that one, right? She said she was feeling really left out and asked me once a week why she couldn't have it. Well of course my standard answer was that it was a dangerous app. Of course I trusted her, but I couldn't trust other people who might send her things. She told me that you have to accept people or at least give them your snapchat address. But all I had heard were scary things, things out of my control, things that made me want to shut her up in her room (without her phone) and keep her there until she was 25!! Yes, she has an Instagram. No, she's never given me any reason not to trust her. Actually, quite the contrary. She's made some really mature choices for a kid her age. Choices that I'm pretty sure I wouldn't have been able to make when I was in middle school. But still....snapchat is from the devil, right???

This isn't a new phenomenon. Parenting has always been scary. For my generation, my parents did everything they could to keep us away from sex, drugs and rock and roll. They probably parented a lot out of fear as well!! It's a lot of pressure thinking the way your kids turns out is all on you! Each generation has it's own dilemmas. Thing is....ours seems much scarier. I mean, it really is, right? How do we control this thing we call the World Wide Web?? How do we make sure that our kids don't fall into the social media trap and ruin their future lives by posting half naked, drunken pictures of themselves for the world to bring up in 10-15 years? How do we make sure that we keep our son's (and daughter's) eyes and minds pure and away from the porn that bombards them with just a few easy clicks? How do we keep our daughters (and sons) from being lured by child predators lurking on all the new apps that we don't know about....the ones who know just the right things to say to teenage girls looking to be loved and wanted? How do we keep the cyber bullies away or keep our kids from being the bully? As parents of this generation, we are on the front lines. We've been thrown in to this with no preparation and every now and then someone warns us of a new app, some new social media, a new way that the evil world can seep into our children's minds.

Last summer when all the craziness about Josh Duggar molesting his sisters and then cheating on his wife with prostitutes came out, I remember reading an article written in The Gospel Coalition that was spot on. It said (paraphrased) that while Josh Duggar's parents were so busy trying to keep the world out of their home, they forgot about the sin that was already in it. Our kids have sinful hearts. It's there without anyone having to show it to them. Parenting out of fear, keeping everything away from them, in my opinion breeds rebellion and breaks trusts. So what is the answer?

Well, I'm still trying to figure this out like everyone else. But something that I've learned from my earlier years of parenting is definitely....don't parent out of fear. Parent out of relationship. I determined early on to have relationship with my kids. I wanted open communication ALL.THE.TIME. So at our house, we talk about everything. We talk about things that others might be uncomfortable with. We talk openly about whatever subject comes up because I want my kids to know there is NOTHING taboo to talk to me about. This is something that my husband had a little bit of a hard time with in the beginning, but man, he is awesome. When my 14 year old daughter talks about her period or asks him to go get tampons, he mans up to the task. He endures the conversations with patience and understanding. We don't have cutesy, silly names for body parts. We call them what they are and discuss them openly because that's exactly what they are--parts of their body and nothing to be ashamed of, but some parts are definitely to be kept private, and they know that.

A quote that is so familiar that I absolutely hate is this, "You aren't supposed to be your kids' friend. You're supposed to be their parent." I know people will disagree with me here, and that's okay. But I would challenge you with this. What is your most important role in eternity with your child? Being their parent or being their sister or brother in Christ? I would say that it is absolutely possible to be your child's parent AND friend. You see, my daughter who had been asking for snapchat for months knew she could talk to us. She needed a little prompting by her older brother (who she had texted for advice) but she came to us Sunday night and told us that us not letting her have snapchat made her feel like we didn't trust her. She said she felt like we were being overprotective and unfair. She said it all very respectfully. *After talking to a friend whose daughters had snapchat and finding out some other information a couple of weeks ago, I had decided to let her have it among just her girl friends. She informed me that they were the only people she wanted to use it with anyway. So she had been using it for about two weeks at this point but she still was feeling distrusted.* We've also recently gotten "Circle" which is great for controlling the amount of wifi each child in your home uses. But it also has filters that just come on it. Some of those we've taken off. Others of them seem to filter things that are crazy or unknown to us. So we didn't have any of this stuff in place because we didn't trust our daughter, but she felt that way. She felt like we were treating her like she was 10 by not allowing her to have snapchat for so long and by having all these filters in place. That wasn't true at all, but one thing I've learned in parenting is that it doesn't really matter what your intentions are. What matters is how your child interprets it.

Our daughter felt that we didn't trust her and that we weren't listening. She came to us, plead her case and told us the reasons that we should be able to trust her. She told us that she felt we were being unfair and unreasonable. We listened. We heard her. We talked. We needed to apologize for things, and we also explained to her our reasons. We explained that it wasn't that we didn't trust her at all. It was that we didn't trust others. We knew of the dangers that lurked out there, and we wanted to protect her from that. My husband also explained that as parents, we were learning daily. No generation of parents had ever had to deal with this stuff before and it was scary. She listened. She heard us. She understood. But she also said that she would always come and talk to us first if anything ever happened. And that's when I realized it. I was parenting out of fear. I knew this about her. How did I know? Because she had done it over and over. She's shown me texting conversations that she's felt uncomfortable with and asked my advice. She's shared things with me that sometimes I'm not so happy about, but I don't overreact so that the next time, she continues to share. She's told me time and again that she's thankful that she can talk to me and tell me things. We share these things because we are friends, we are sisters in Christ. Yes, I am the parent, but I'm also her friend.

There are times when I've had to do things that didn't seem "friendly" like take away her phone or keep her from an activity she wanted to do. I've struggled at those times because I knew it was the right thing to do, but I worried about how it would affect our relationship. The thing is that it hasn't. It hasn't affected our friendship at all. That's because respect is a two way street. I respect her enough to listen to her and parent her as an individual, and she respects me enough to know that sometimes I have to do the hard stuff to keep her from falling farther behind in her school work or making wrong decisions. She knows I don't want to do those things. She knows it kills me to make her sad, but I sometimes do it because we all need discipline, and it's not easy to inflict that discipline on ourselves. Sometimes we need others to do it for us.

I felt compelled to write this today because of realizing that so many around me parent out of fear. Once again, I find it mostly among those who claim that they believe God holds the future. If that's what we really believe, let's live like it. The better relationships we have with our kids, the better we will be able to parent them. No, it's not always easy to have those relationships. Some kids are easier than others. With my first it was a huge struggle to keep that relationship. There were definitely things he didn't tell me on his own. But when I would go and sit in his room and prompt him, he would talk. No matter what anyone else's story was about him, I always listened. I didn't always agree, but I always gave him space for his story. And now that he's gone and meeting new people and seeing things in a different light, he thanks me. Every so often I get a text that just says, "Thanks for getting me" or "Thanks for listening to me" or "Thanks for letting me be who I was and not trying to make me into what you wanted me to be."

Our kids are going to be who God is making them to be. We cannot thwart his plan. Let's live like that. Let's give our "prodigal" kids a reason to come back home one day. Let's show our kids that they have our love, trust and friendship. Let's let them know that we make mistakes too and apologize when we do. And let's strive to always listen and let them be who they were created to be.

My epiphany

I had an epiphany today.

I looked around my house at my six precious children and realized, they are all here. They are all still here. In two years, one will be gone. But for today and for the next two years, they will be here.

As tears welled in my eyes, threatening to spill (and incite another round of "why are you crying, Mommy" questions--because I cry at the drop of a hat) I gathered myself and made the decision to make this the best year yet.

You see, when I started this homeschool journey 13 years ago, my oldest was 3. I was bound and determined to be the best homeschool mom ever, and he was of course going to be the best student. He was going to be the smartest and the most well behaved (if you know him, you know how that one turned out.)

As it happened, though, just as he was about to start his Kindergarten year, we added a baby to our family. He couldn't have been happier, of course. But this certainly put a little crimp in our homeschooling schedule and plans. Then as he started 1st grade, we had just added another sweet bundle. We added that 3rd bundle in the middle of his 2nd grade year. To say his first three years of academia were "scattered" would be quite the understatement.

But we kept plugging. During the summer between his 4th and 5th grade years, we added the next sweet blessing and then between 7th and 8 grade added our last. So, you see, Trand has never known school without babies. He's never known what uninterrupted time with mom was. He's never known what it was like to really stick to a schedule because there was always a little one around--always.

And Trand will be going off to college the year that Cedar starts Kindergarten. So he will have spent his entire academia life with babies and toddlers and now these last two years with a pre-schooler.

But these two years are what I'm focusing on. Because you see, I truly believe that the three year old year is when it all changes. It all gets easier. And I haven't had a 3 year old as my youngest in 13 years! So I am quite excited about this. Cedar is able to be entertained during the school day. He's got five brothers and sisters who absolutely LOVE playing with him. They are thrilled when it's their break time or their scheduled "Cedar time" and they get to play Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or even My Little Pony (Rainbow Dash is unabashedly his favorite) with him.

My epiphany came today when I realized how easy the last week and a half has been. We've gotten all of our school work done every day, there have been no major breakdowns, relatively few distractions, decent attitudes all in all, and I've really felt like we've accomplished a lot. It dawned on me that this was the difference--my youngest was three.

In the same thought it dawned on me that my oldest is 16 and a Junior. He will be leaving in two years. Yes, while my youngest is getting older and easier, that means everyone else is as well.

I will not be dwelling on what I'll be feeling in two years. I want to live in the moment now. I want these next two years to count. I want to soak up every memory, every thought, every word. I want to cherish every laugh shared--especially between my oldest and youngest. I want to capture the moments of bellowing laughter and sweetness shared, drinking in the beautiful times and even the not so beautiful ones.

Yes, I plan on making it a memorable two years. I don't know where life will be taking us tomorrow or next week or next year. But I'm enjoying the ride with six great kids that I have the amazing privilege of mothering.

And I wouldn't miss it for the world.

What is required?

Last night I had Jon listen to this song.....

He had heard it before on the radio, but he has a problem actually listening to a song past the first 20 seconds. ;) It's called "Kings and Queens" by Audio Adrenaline, and I cry every time I hear it. If you just skipped over it and you're not familiar with it, it's about adoption. And it's dead on.

You see, Jon and I talk a good bit about adoption. Well, mainly I talk, he listens, and then says something about waiting for God to change his heart about it!! Ha! But recently we got a bit of good news. Jon got a new CFO position at a bigger hospital here in Knoxville. Now he will be only 12 minutes from home instead of 45-50! Plus, it comes with a salary increase. That got me thinking about the verse "Everyone to whom much was given, much will be required." (Luke 12:48.)

Now this isn't a new revelation. It's not like I all of a sudden think we have "much." I think pretty much everyone in America has "much." If you have a roof over your head, clothes on your body, food in your refrigerator and especially a device on which you are currently reading this blog post, you have "VERY MUCH" by the rest of the worlds' standards! But this current turn of events has gotten me thinking....what is required of me?

I also know this.  "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit [or care for] orphans and widows in their affliction." So we are commanded to care for the orphans. Actually, it's true religion. (Side note: I do often think the widows get a little left out of this equation so I'm not trying to short them. But for my purposes today, I'm talking about the orphans.)

Adoption is always on my radar these days. I think it's a beautiful picture of how we have been made Children of God. We were born into sin. We were as far from God's children as we could be because God cannot be in the presence of sin. But although we did not deserve any of it, our creator chose us from before the foundation of the world to be called "Sons and daughters of God." Ephesians 1:5 says, "He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will."

Of course, we have our own adoption story in this family. It has touched us in a very real and personal way. And the fact is, there are orphans out there who need families. I know there's a lot of corrupt stuff that goes on in adoption, but I don't think we can let that deter us from those truly in need.

So I worry. I worry that we aren't doing enough. We aren't doing what is required of us. I worry that we aren't practicing true religion and giving what we should be.

But today, God has been giving me another verse. 

He has told you, O man, what is good;
    and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love mercy,
    and to walk humbly with your God? ~Micah 6:8

What does the God require from us??? This is it! This is for me today! This is all I have to do--for today. You see, I'm in the wonderful position of being the wife of a wonderful man. So that means I get to submit to his decisions. Yes, you read that right. I get to!! 

Submission is a beautiful thing to me. It means that I don't have to answer for all of our family's decisions. It means that if things don't work out, I'm not the one in charge. It means that I don't have to agonize over what to do with our money or resources. Yes, I have input and opinions and Jon values 

those. But in times like this when I'm stressed over everything, I get to put that stress aside and rest. It means that the decision of whether or not to adopt is not just sitting on my shoulders. I am not to be my husband's holy spirit and continually whisper in his ears, "There are orphans who need us..."

I trust that God will speak to Jon about what to do with what He has given us. I also trust that praying will be a much more effective way of working on Jon's heart than my words in his ear! So I'll work on my part to do justice, to love mercy and to walk humbly with God. I would say that's quite the undertaking right there--enough for me to spend quite some time on!!

Adoption: the beautiful and the ugly

Adoption is a beautiful thing. But it's also hard and messy. 

I had lunch with a friend on Monday, and I told her that very statement. I was talking about my own adoption experience. I wouldn't change for the world what happened in our lives to bring us to the decision to adopt. Adoption wasn't really on our radar before that. I know some people have felt led to adopt their whole lives. Even though I grew up next to a family that adopted two children, it was never something on my heart until I struggled with my own infertility. If you haven't read my story and care to, you can read about it in part one and part two of my struggle. I know that God brought us to adoption through our circumstances--no other way around it! And I'm so thankful that he did.

You see, Liza-Hill is amazing. She has blessed our family in countless way. She also is a blessing to most everyone else that she is around. She's energetic and silly. She's self confident and knows what she wants. She loves to make people happy, and she makes a friend everywhere she goes to prove it! She has no time for school because she's constantly FaceTiming her plethora of friends. And best of all, she has an amazing heart for Jesus, and if you ask her to pray for you, you can bet she will! Adoption has been a beautiful thing in our life. Everyday I see it. I see it in her smile, hear it in her laugh, watch it in action as she dances around a room. She shines light everywhere she goes. She is love incarnate!

So how is adoption hard and messy in our house? We have a pretty easy time of it. No language barriers, no cultural differences, no past to be reminded of or work through. But I'll tell you, as wonderful as Liza-Hill is, she is still human. She is still mean to her sisters sometimes. She is still disrespectful as times. She still does plenty of things that require discipline on our part as parents. And I'm telling you what, not one time of discipling her has ever happened that it didn't cross my mind,

"Is she going to hold this against me?"

Is she going to feel like this isn't my job? Is she going to think, "If I was with my birth mom, she wouldn't be doing this." Is she thinking, "She's only doing this because I'm adopted"? And dreading the day that everyone says is coming, the day that she looks me in the eyes and shouts, "You're not my REAL mom!"

Liza-Hill has been talking about finding her birth parents for years. I know she doesn't do this to hurt me. She has no idea how it turns the knife in my heart each time she says it. I know that my daughter is a people person. She would absolutely die if she couldn't be around people. So having that unknown about her birth parents in her life is a hard thing. I don't blame her, and it's not like I don't understand. I just know what's very likely going to happen from there.

I hear stories quite often of happy reunions--birth mothers and their biological children. I don't hear them as often about birth fathers, but I met Liza-Hill's birth father. I'm sure he's going to be just as excited to see her as she is him. She has his personality through and through. I hear of kids who were placed for adoption going on vacation with their birth mothers (and their family.) They spend time together at family reunions or other important events.  I always hear these stories in a wonderful, positive light. And to the people telling them, they are a wonderful thing.

But as I hear these stories, my throat closes a little, my eyes fight to hold back tears, and I paste on a happy *oh-that's-so-great* smile as that knife in my heart turns a little more. And I think, "What about the adoptive parents? Where are they in all of this? What about the years of love, sweat and tears they poured into raising this child?"

I'm trying to prepare myself for that day in my life. Even more than hearing the horrible, "You're not my REAL mom," I am dreading that day. That day when she turns 21 and begins her quest, that she will not end until her goal is met, to find the parents who gave her life, the ones who brought her into this world and into my arms. I know her. I know her inside and out. And I know that she will have to do this. I won't stop her. It's who she is. She will have to know them. She will have to seek out her blood sister as well, the one that her birth mom placed for adoption two years before she was born. She will do this because they are a part of her, and she needs them.

I would never deny them the blessing of knowing my sweet Liza-Hill. They made that unselfish choice to give her to me so many years ago, and I will be forever grateful. No, I would not try to keep her from them or them from her. She WILL make their lives better, happier, fuller.

It's times like these, when I get so overwhelmed with the thought of having to share her one day, that I have to remember that none of my children "belong" to me. They belong to Jesus. I have no idea what could happen to any of them even tomorrow. I trust in my Savior for the care of all of them, and I must do the same for Liza-Hill. I must share her one day. I know that.

My prayer is that while it will be exciting for her one day to meet her birth family, she will always remember my snuggles, my tickles, my back rubs, my songs, my silliness, my words, my time and my tears. That may be selfish of me, but I really don't care. :) She will always be mine even if I have to share her a little bit, and I pray for the grace to do that well.

Be Disappointed!!

This morning as I was getting ready in my bathroom, Cama-Jane walked in and complained, "Netflix isn't working again!" I said, "I'm sorry." She repeated herself, this time a little more whiny and demanding, "Netflix isn't WORKING!" Once again I said, "I'm sorry," and added, "I can't fix it." She raised her voice another couple of octaves and emphatically yelled, "NETFLIX ISN'T WORKING!!!" I stopped what I was doing, looked at her, and once again said, "I'm sorry. I can't fix it. What do you want me to do??" With furrowed brows and fists clenched tightly, she stomped her foot, looked up at me and loudly squeaked, "Be disappointed!"

Ahhhh, be disappointed....

Isn't that just what we all want sometimes? Someone to just be disappointed with us? Someone to feel some sympathy? Wallow in our pain for a bit? This is what husbands are usually so bad at!! We tell them a problem, and they want to fix it, and they think that's what we're wanting too! (Just like I assumed CJ wanted me to.) Sometimes, just like my daughter, we know there's nothing that can be done as a "quick fix." We just have to wait it out, but in the meantime it's nice to have someone down in the pit just to understand, just to sympathize, just to be disappointed with you! 

(Don't get me wrong. I'm not bashing husbands!! No, this is not a place for that. They are awesome when we really need the answers to "how to fix it!!" But that's for another day.)

I think Jesus understood this. In Matthew 28:11 he says, "Come to me, all who are weak and heavy laden, and I will give you rest." Could Jesus fix our problems?? Of course he could. It's kind of his specialty! But that's not the help he offers here. He just says, I know you need someone to rest in. You are tired. You are weary. Life stinks right now. I'll take your disappointments, ease them, and give you a glimpse of eternity where they won't matter anymore!" 

Do I think Jesus wants us to wallow in self pity or guilt or sorrow? No!! He offers more than just a listening ear. He may not give a solution right away, but he gives something even better. He gives us the gift of rest. He offers to take it all away. He takes away the worry, and he replaces it with peace of mind. He gives us the option of an anxiety free life! That's way better than just "being disappointed" with us!

So the next time you have a friend who just needs you to listen to their problems, sympathize with them and "be disappointed," go ahead a wallow a little bit--because all women need a little understanding. Then point them to Jesus. Remind them that He can take their burdens. Whisper to them the truths of our great God. He has not forgotten them. And maybe Jesus will use you to help them get a glimpse of eternity, of the glorious future that is laid before us as children of the one true King. 

Miscarriage and the hurts of life

No one was more surprised than me. No one.

As I watched that little blue line appear and get darker and darker, a feeling of complete disbelief washed over me. My heart beat faster, my breathing increased, and tears sprang to my eyes. My entire body was frozen and time stood still.

*How could this happen?*

I do know the answer to that. Believe me, I do. I know many people think it's cute and funny to ask parents of large families if they know "how this happens" but it's not original, and it gets old after awhile. So there. I'm just sayin'....

But in that moment in time I did wonder *how could this happen to us?*

We had been resolute in our decision not to have any more biological children and were taking the necessary steps to prevent that. So the question again....

I immediately shared my new surprise information with a trusted old friend. I just needed to have the confirmation that yes, this was a blessing! Of course I knew it was, but it always helps to hear it from someone else as well.

I knew what Jon's reaction would be so I waited to tell him. We were planning a trip to get away--just the two of us--for three days. I prepared to tell him then so that he would have plenty of time away from the stress of reality and every day life to let this news sink in.

In the meantime, my excitement grew. I had gotten rid of all my baby clothes, maternity clothes, baby "stuff" of all kinds. So I began to steal glances at all the tiny things I saw. Thoughts of "wearing" my baby again, as I always do when my babies are small, made me smile. Memories of my nose in soft, squishy, baby smelling necks washed over me and along with those came the anticipation of another precious bundle to hold and cuddle and enjoy. I knew my kids were going to be thrilled. And I knew that they were going to give this baby as much love and snuggle time as I was!!

Yes, this was a gift from heaven. An unplanned and unexpected gift. And I couldn't be happier.

Jon's reaction was about what I expected, but soon he too was excited at the prospect of another little blessing around here. The kids were over the moon and my girls went to sleep every night with thoughts of snuggling and cuddling and rocking their new baby dancing through their dreams. Everyone began making plans and thinking about sharing their room with the baby. Offers came from all the children, and each had their own idea of how to rearrange their furniture to "fit" this new addition.

And then the unexpected happened. My body seemed to be a pregnancy machine, well oiled and working. Somehow it didn't seem like the "odds" would catch up with me. But they did. 1 in 5 babies are miscarried. All of a sudden I was another statistic sitting in an Emergency Room talking with an OB whom I had never met. He was a compassionate man in his late 50's/ early 60's. Even after that many years of talking about miscarriage, he had tears in his eyes as he told me that this baby, this unexpected blessing, this unknown dream would never have life on this earth.

Over the few weeks before I had spent countless amounts of time praying for this baby, giving this baby over to God, acknowledging that Jesus held her* in his hands. I felt like I heard God over and over whispering two words.

"Trust Me."

But I've known Jesus for a long time, you see. And I know that when God says, "Trust Me" that doesn't always mean things are going to turn out like I want them to. But what I do know is that I can trust him. I can trust him because He does, in fact, hold everything in his hands. The old Spiritual song "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" is one of the truest, simplest doctrines there is. And because of that, because he really does have the whole world in his hands, I can trust him.

Yes, I have cried and I have hurt. I won't deny that. My children have cried and hurt as well. And even my practical husband, who didn't know how we could make this happen when I first told him, got his world rocked that day in the hospital. My baby that I already had so many plans for was gone.

I found myself not wanting to see anyone or respond to texts or messages or email. I appreciated every one of them immensely. I felt the body of Christ in a huge way. I felt loved in a way that I hadn't before. And that was wonderful. But I just wanted to cocoon up with my "little" family and mourn. I needed to be with my children. I needed to cry with my husband. And I did those things.

I can't claim to know how every woman who has had a miscarriage feels. Over the few days after it happened when I saw a pregnant woman or a new baby, my heart was sad thinking about "what could've been" over the next few months. But I've had that before. I've had five wonderful pregnancies and six beautiful, healthy children. Who am I to ask for more? My heart ached for the women who experience this and yet have no children to comfort them as they mourn, no little voices to fill the empty void with the sound of the word, "Mommy." I can't even begin to comprehend.

I came into this hard experience from a place of fullness. To say my life is full is almost an understatement. I love my life. I love what I do. I was made to be a mommy--God confirms that in me over and over. So even though this was hard, I have had so many people praying for me, loving me through this, speaking words of encouragement and faith into my life. I have had my strong husband who was softened by this experience. I have had my precious children who have spoken their hurts, cried when they needed to and asked the hard questions. And I have had sweet friends who expected nothing from me and let me be me--crying when I needed to and also laughing as well.

No, I can't claim to understand other people's pain. I can't even fathom the feelings of the woman who finds out she will never have a baby come forth from her womb.  I can't claim to understand the pain of the woman who continues to lose baby after baby from her body and struggles with thoughts that her body has failed her. And I can't imagine being the woman who watches the life slowly drain out of the body of her beloved child and wonders how she herself will ever take another breath without willing it to happen.

I have known all of these women. They are strong, beautiful women who have known the pain and the hurt that this life can bring. They've felt first hand the affects of sin on this world in a tangible way. But all of these women that I've known have also known Jesus. I may not have responded to them in the right way. I may not have known the right words. I may not have even said anything. But I know that Jesus has gotten all of them through it. And I know that even though my sadness is real, it can never compare to what so many people in this world endure.

My family knows an exciting truth. We know that one day we will see our little "Emmy," the child conceived in my womb who some would refer to as a "genetic mishap." My precious little girls have drawn pictures of the day that they will meet her. And even though it's brought floods of tears from me, it is healing for them as they anticipate that day. But even greater than that, on that day we will see our Savior and all the hurt and all the pain of this world will be erased. What a beautiful promise to look forward to as we serve our Sovereign God today.

*We did not know the sex of the baby for sure, but I felt just like I did when I was pregnant with the girls. My pregnancies have been very distinctly different betweens boys and girls so we have assumed this was a girl and named appropriately.*

When Facebook sucks

Over the years I've loved Facebook. It's been a way for me to keep in touch with my friends that I've moved away from or who have moved away from me throughout the years of my life. I've reconnected and rekindled relationships and formed new ones as well. Facebook can also be a great tool for spreading good news!! I've used it myself for that a few times.

But now I'm learning that it sucks when that good news turns to bad news, and you've shared it with all of your 800 or something friends. Yes, you can probably guess, we found out yesterday that we lost this precious baby. Without going into detail, I'll just tell you that (as you can imagine) our hearts are heavy and our emotions are raw. Our kids are dealing with this on a different level--the level of a child. They are all dealing in their own way, but they are grieving. My sweet Shepley cried for hours last night, as I knew she would. LH and Breck cried as well, but they bounced back faster. CJ just had lots of questions. Her five year old mind just can't quite comprehend this. She keeps saying, "I wish the baby was still in your tummy." *So do I, baby girl, so do I*

Jon and I are crushed as well. We had really gotten excited about the idea of another baby around here and seven children. It just seemed right and natural for us. It's one of those things that we just don't always know the answers to, and yet we know that it's all in the hands of our Savior.

We appreciate all of the texts and emails already from people who knew Friday that I was starting this and yesterday as we found out really what was happening. We know we are loved, and that's about the most important thing right now. Shepley told me she didn't want to go anywhere for a long time or see anyone. I told her I understood exactly how she felt.

I think Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to feel a little bit empty this year. I was so excited to think about having a brand new baby for the holidays. How fun that would be!! But those were not the plans for us.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."  ~Job 1:21 

The Journey Continues

So a couple of weeks ago, I posted about the journey of life. Things have kind of been on hold here for a little bit while I've been processing this next step in our journey as a family.

You may also remember if you read my new year's blog that I listed a lot of things that I had "learned" during 2012. Don't ever do that. Especially with something that you really don't have control over!!

One of those statements was "I'm done having biological children" and another was "I'm too old to have a 2 year old."

Well, God is saying, "Oh no, honey! Negative to both of those statements!!"

Yes, you read that right. We are having another baby. Baby Richards #7 is due sometime around the beginning of November 2013. And I'm so happy! :)

In my last blog post, I talked about how each of us was called to "take up our [own] cross" and to deny ourselves. Admittedly, I did feel this way in the beginning. It was quite a shock for me to process when I'm turning 40 in September to think that once again, I'm starting over. Cedar has been such a rambunctious ball of joy (and I say that with ALL sincerity) that it was hard for me to think about going through this 2-3 age again in three years!! But the same God who parted the Red Sea and the same God who raised Lazarus from the dead is the same God who will sustain this 40-something year old body through toddlerhood and my 50-something year old body through the teenage years. And he's the same God that will sustain me through 30+ straight years of homeschooling.

In the couple of weeks that I've had to process this news, God has taken me all over the place. But the place where he's always got me is right in the middle of his plan--his sovereign, gracious plan that he has promised is to give me a "hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) I can rest in the knowledge that my Savior has it all planned out, and this baby is not a footnote or a surprise to him. This life was planned out and known before the foundation of the world. And even as He is knitting this precious one together, the days of his life are already formed and written in His book. (Psalm 139:16.)

What an awesome Savior we serve! I am in awe of his graciousness to me--to give me yet another chance to give life to an eternal soul. What a privilege we have as women to grow life in our womb and bring it forth for his glory.

My children are thrilled. They couldn't be happier to share their lives with another blessing. I'm also blessed to have parents and in-laws and family members who are happy for us. I know that this isn't always so with big families.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where this baby's clothes will go or anything else. I know he/she will sleep with us for the first few months. After that, I can't tell ya what's going to happen!! :) I have no more maternity clothes, no infant car seat, no high chair or bumbo, no baby swing or exersaucer. Ha ha!!

But I do know that there will be plenty of arms to hold this baby, lips to kiss it all over, and love to smother it with. And I know that this mama and daddy are very ready and excited to welcome another precious gift of life and love into our already "very full" world!!

Thank you, Jesus!

Ash Wednesday and the Lenten season

What is Lent? This is a question that I had never really thought about before we moved to Knoxville. I mean, I knew that people gave something up, but I really thought it was only something Catholics did. Now that we are at a church that adheres pretty strongly to the church calendar, I'm learning so much.

Today is Ash Wednesday and tonight our family will attend a service with the "imposition of ashes" which means we will get ashes on our foreheads. The kids remember this from last year, and as we were discussing Lent and Ash Wednesday last night around the dinner table, they had different opinions for sure. I have one who is really excited about it (not sure that that's exactly the right response.) And I have one that said they did not like it at all and asked if they had to even do it (not sure that's the right response either!) But I'm glad they are honest. It gives us a chance to talk and through it all the love and grace of Jesus shines through. And that's what this season is all about--pointing to Jesus.

At the Ash Wednesday service, when the pastors put the ashes on your forehead (many times in the form of a cross) they will usually quote: 

“You are dust, and to dust you shall return” (Gen 3:19)

This is a reminder of our humanness, our mortality, and of course our sinfulness. That is the bad news--we are sinful, to the core. Original sin and all that, you know?? But the reason we need to be reminded of our humanity and sinfulness is to make the good news even better! The good news comes after the Lenten season is over--Jesus is Risen! Sin and death have been conquered!! Now that is good news!

Ash Wednesday starts the 40 day Lenten period. This period does not include Sundays--which still remained the "Feast Days" in the early church. The 40 days is symbolic of the time that Jesus spent in the wilderness before he began his "official" ministry. During that time, Jesus was tempted by Satan many times. He fasted and prayed, and was probably at his weakest point physically (besides being beaten and hung on a cross) in his life. And yet, even though he was fully man, he never gave into temptation.

Some celebrate these 40 days by 'giving up something.' It is a little reminder of all that Jesus gave up for us. It is a time to open up more of our life to let Jesus have more of it. Some people give up things like sugar or soft drinks or cigarettes or alcohol. And while I'm not knocking those things to give up, your life would be better anyway if you gave those up permanently. But maybe we should look a little deeper to give up something that takes our time from focusing on the work of Christ? I know that there are many things in my life that do that! And it's not food.

Last night around the dinner table we encouraged all of the kids to think of something they'd like to give up. Yes, one still said "soft drinks." Okay, fine. Shepley remembered that last year she gave up "art." She made the statement that she forgot a couple of times and did it. She said, "It was just so hard!" What a great point! That's exactly it!! We CAN'T do it. We can't keep our Lenten promises fully. Even if stay away completely from what we said we weren't going to do, we must question our motives. Does keeping it perfectly bring up feelings of pride in us? Are we working in our own strength to keep them? Are we making what we 'give up' the focus? The bad motives go on and on. And that is the point!! We can't keep the law. We never could.

That's why God sent his Son.

And that's what Lent is about--a reminder that we can't keep the law. The law can't and never could save us. All the law can do is remind us of our sinfulness and utter hopelessness....

And point us to Jesus!

We culminate the Lenten season in Holy week which starts on Palm Sunday. We celebrate King Jesus. We see his triumphant entry into Jerusalem, and then we see our King lay down his life willingly so that we don't have to live under law anymore. We are FREE! What a joyous celebration we should have!

So this year, give Lent some thought. Talk about it with your family. Get some discussion going. We are going to start reading the Jesus Storybook Bible tonight. Even though it's geared for young children, it's a wonderful picture of how the entire Bible is redemptively pointing to Jesus. And it's great for any age! Because we all must be as little children, remember?

We also use our church band's album when we worship during Lent and Easter. You can buy it at itunes, and I can promise you won't be disappointed. My kids love listening to this, and it's truly the best album for this season that I've ever heard. I can't figure out how to link the album from itunes here because itunes doesn't have a web address. But the album is called "Rise O Buried Lord" by Redeemer Knoxville. Check it out today!!

Helpful Kids

Okay. I don't think I'm one of those moms who brags on her kids a lot--probably because they don't give me tons of opportunities!! Ha ha!! Not saying they aren't great kids, but they are KIDS and I tend to be one to not wear rose colored glasses when it comes to them. They are sinners saved by grace in need of their Savior everyday--just like the rest of us.

But today was a tough day. UGH! Cama-Jane started throwing up on Monday. This is the second time in three weeks. Oh yes. That's right. And it hit harder this time. Last time was less than five times of vomiting (yes, I know that may be TMI, but it's my blog) and then it was done. One day and over. Cedar had it first, then Cama-Jane, then Shepley and we were done. Five days. Over.

So when Cama-Jane started again on Monday, I was none too happy about it, but I thought, *We can do this.* But it wasn't quite as easy this time. She vomited several times more and then had a fever the whole next day. Not nearly as easy. But by Thursday morning when no one else had gotten it, I thought we were in the clear. So we set off to the kids co-op, where I volunteered in the nursery. Yes, that's right. Cedar too. I'm sure there are some who are reading this that are cringing!!! But I really thought we were okay!!!

As soon as we walked in the door Thursday afternoon, he puked. Yep, everywhere! I was exhausted already from weeks (and even months) of not sleeping well because of my girls. (It all seemed to catch up to me when CJ got sick because she was up even more.) And I knew that my night was going to be bad. And it was!! Poor Cedar threw up over 20 times through the evening and night and even a couple of times today. He's been so pitiful today. He's had a fever and slept on the couch all afternoon--most of the time on top of me. He hasn't wanted to let go. So my kids stepped up to the plate!!

Liza-Hill was amazing! She cleaned the whole kitchen and even scrubbed the sink. She served the little ones snacks all day and seemed to enjoy her domestic role. ;) Cama-Jane swept the hard wood floors and Breck helped her with the dust pan. Breck also cleaned up the living room, putting away everything that needed to be. Shepley cleaned up the school room after she finished some other things for me. (You may notice that Trand is sadly missing from the equation. He was sleeping.)

Then later in the day I had to go pick up something about 15 minutes away. I had gone into the store and come out when I got a text from Liza-Hill saying that that Cedar had thrown up again while I was gone!! PANIC!!! He doesn't do well when I'm not around. But she cleaned him up, put his blanket in the washer and got him back to sleep on the couch!! What a girl!

Makes a mom's heart happy to know that her kids are able to step in and help when it's needed!! We even managed to miraculously get some schoolwork done as well!! :) Just hoping that it somehow skips the rest of the family.....

This kind of a morning

It's 21 degrees outside with a high of 30 today. We're pretty much all in agreement of staying inside! I don't know how people get up and go to school on mornings like this!!!

Mommy Guilt--let's give it up!

I guess my last post struck a chord with lots of moms. I've had so many moms private message me to let me know their struggles and how my "confessions" encouraged them in their daily walks as mothers.

This has just solidified what we all know already. Moms are filled with GUILT! It's really so sad. I think this guilt has been even more built up in the last few years with the invention of the "Mom blogs" telling us how they (so it would seem) have it all together. It certainly leaves the rest of us feeling less than adequate in our mothering. Facebook certainly doesn't help either. Most people only post about the great things they've done as mothers--the fun crafts, the clean rooms, the inspirational happenings at home. Not too often do we want to post that we just totally yelled at our kid and made them cry. Um, no thank you. I'll just chalk that one up to the ones I keep to myself! (I'm just as guilty of this myself sometimes so I'm not pointing fingers!)

But "Mommy guilt" has been around since the beginning of time. It didn't take the internet to make it happen. I would be willing to be that when Cain killed Able, Eve blamed herself. I can just imagine that her conversation with herself went something like this:

"Oh if I had only taught Cain to love his brother better, this wouldn't have happened. If I had shared more of my story with him--helped him really understand what pride and self love can do, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe I gave Able more attention? Maybe I expected too much of Cain since he was the oldest? Maybe if I had spent less time helping Adam with the weeds (which were of course my fault as well).....Oh what could I have done differently to change this outcome?" 

Now we know how silly that is. The Bible clearly holds Cain responsible for his actions, but isn't this what we do all the time?  Every wrong decision our child makes, every sinful action, every act of defiance toward God we take on ourselves.

Yes, we've been instructed to teach our children to "love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and strength."  We have been instructed to "Impress [these things] on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." (Deut. 6:5,7-9) So, yeah, we've got stuff to do, right? We do play an active role in teaching our children about loving the Lord. If we don't, there aren't too many who will. And if they don't see it lived out at home, it won't make much difference who teaches it to them.

This is where the guilt comes in. We know we fail miserably at doing this!! Oh, when that first little bundle of joy comes along, some of us (maybe not all) were totally thinking we were going to get this right! We knew the way we were supposed to "train up a child" and we were committed to doing it. It probably didn't take most of us long to see that we didn't have any idea what we were doing! The parenting books didn't talk at all about what our child was doing, and our child was not responding the way the parenting books said they should! Teaching them to love the Lord? Oh man, we just wanted to teach them not hit their friends, throw a tantrum, spit at their teacher....whatever it was. We quickly saw that our children had hearts full of sin--just like us. 

You know, I really HATE the saying, "God never gives you more than you can handle." I think this is so untrue! God always gives us more than we can handle. If we only had what we could handle, why would we ever turn to him? He gives us exactly what it's going to take for us to realize that we can't handle life and run into his open, loving arms. Parenting does this for most of us--more often than not. Being responsible for a life (or two or three....) is hard stuff. Teaching them Bible truths, when sometimes our lives look far from what we are supposed to be modeling, is even harder stuff! We've got experts all over the place telling us a hundred different things to do. We do what we think is right for our child, and we still seem to fail. Yeah, it sucks sometimes! We can't handle it so we run to the only place of real refuge--Jesus' arms. And he says, "Yes, my child. You messed up. But my grace is sufficient for you. I will cover your mess ups. I love your children more than you could ever know how to love. I know their future and their deepest needs. I know them (and you) inside and out, and I am the only perfect parent. Let me take this burden from you. It's too heavy for you to handle." And so we rest. We rest until we decide to take up the reins once again because we think we can do it in our own strength, and the battle starts again.

If we would only learn. If we would only truly believe that "his power is made perfect in our weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9) If we would really boast in our weakness so that Christ's power could show through us, how much more encouraging could we be to others? When we see other moms who are struggling, we identify. When we see other moms who seem to have it all together, we shy away. We step back because we could never do it like her!

Jesus was gracious enough with me to show me with my first child that I did not know anything about this parenting stuff! Oh, that child has humbled me over and over and still continues to! He has been the single greatest source of sanctification in my life over the years. I'm so thankful that God didn't give me too long to wallow in self pride over having the perfect child! That was never allowed in my house! :) 

As for the guilt--we've got to drop it. We all know we're doing what we can with the knowledge we have and the children God gave us. We're all in different places on different journeys, but we share at least one common thing--motherhood. It's the greatest earthly calling each of us could have. But Jesus says give it to him! He has done it. It is finished. Our parenting failures are covered by his grace. Our screw ups and mess ups and ugliness are all covered. Jesus didn't die for us to continue wallowing in our sin and misery. Sister, give it up! Give it up to him! No guilt!! NO GUILT!! (I'm preaching to myself here as well, just so you know!)

I love moms! I do. I love young moms, old moms, moms to be, spiritual moms, and anyone else who falls into the category. My heart goes out for moms who carry the burden that they have to do it all. If this is you, please know that you don't! No one is expecting you to. And if they are, stay far away from that person. Claim your righteousness through Christ alone! You stand before the throne washed and clean and the perfect parent because God only sees Jesus when he looks at you if you've put your trust in him. 

So let's forge ahead. Let's start encouraging one another through our struggles. Let's start admitting when we are weak! Find a mom today and tell her how awesome she is just because she got up and loved her children this morning! And start loving yourself a little better because of the same reason! :)