Confessions

I am real. I have doubts. I falter. I question. I wonder how things are going to turn out. I get knots in my stomach sometimes thinking about the future. I worry about my children and what life is going to hand them. I wonder if they will even grow up to have a life in the same care-free way that I did. Sometimes I feel let down, even though I know God's in control. Sometimes I don't know which way to pray--and sometimes I even wonder if praying makes a difference. Yes, that's me.

Oh, I know the answers. I know what my Bible says, and I even know and believe with all that I can muster that it's true. I know Romans 8:28 that tells me that all things are working together for my good. I know Jeremiah 29:11 that tells me that God has plans to give me a hope, a future. I have even lived through worrisome, hard times that have rocked my world and changed my life and showed me that God knows exactly what he's doing. I have no reason to doubt God, but I am human. I am frail and sometimes, yes, unbelieving.

I don't want to be this way, yet I also know that this is what connects us. We have all felt this way at some time whether we want to admit it or not. And if you haven't, you're either not old enough or you're lying to yourself!

The reason for my "sick to my stomach" feeling right now is uncertainty. I don't know what's going to happen in my family's life. Now, I realize that most of life is uncertain. The day to day challenges and changes don't bother me. I'm pretty much a "go with the flow" kind of girl. But the fact that this big uncertainty has gone on now for about 7 months is what's getting to me.

Don't get me wrong. I know I'm blessed. I know I'm blessed to have a wonderful, faithful husband who dedicates his life to taking care of me and our children. I know I'm blessed to have six precious arrows on loan from God to mold and sharpen with the tools that He's given me. I also know that these things are in God's hands as well and can be taken away. I can't let myself dwell there because that's not where I need to be! And I don't!

My feelings of uncertainty stem from my husband's job situation. Thankfully, he has a good job--even a job that he loves, which is a HUGE blessing. But ever since he was blessed with this job 3 years ago, we've known that there's no way we can afford our current home on his present salary. After the economy collapsed and other such things happened, his company put on a wage freeze that was just recently lifted so in the past (over) 3 years, he's only ever gotten a 2% pay increase. Now, I realize I shouldn't complain because there are so many out there in worse situations without jobs or in very low paying jobs who have lost their very homes, etc. I know it could be worse, and I thank God every day for his job!! But the fact is, we can't afford our house. We've never missed a mortgage payment because my husband would rather have us go without groceries before he'd do that, I think. And that makes me respect him all the more! He's the most ethical man I know, and I'm so proud to be married to him.

But being ethical doesn't pay the bills! :) Maybe it helps in the long run--but it doesn't directly deposit it into the bank account, which takes us to my point of concern. Three years ago, when Jon got this job as a controller, he was told that eventually he would be moved to a hospital in another town as a CFO. That's been his desire. He's a very driven man who wants to continually better himself. We were both excited at the time with the prospect of moving. When we moved here 11 years ago, we never expected to stay here this long. Neither of us love the weather, and we certainly aren't in love with the consumerism and "me" mentality of Naples. So moving was a nice thought.

Then something in me changed probably about 9 months ago. For some reason, my heart started changing. Our life has been here for eleven years. Our friends are here. Our church is here. We have family here. I'd like to believe that God changed my heart because he wants to keep us here, but that hasn't been proven yet. But for whatever reason, I started praying that we would be able to stay. In October, the first "real" rumblings of moving started. For some reason or another, none of them worked out. There was never a time that he was "beat out" by anyone else, but it's just the way it happened. So I told Jon that I had been praying that we would stay here. He told me that there was no possible way that was going to happen. I told him nothing was impossible with God, and I would continue to pray that way.

There was a job opening in Lehigh Acres (about 50 minutes up the road), and we both thought this was it. If he could get the position there, we'd get the pay increase we needed and not have to move. This was perfect. "Thank you, God, that you have answered our prayers!" Well, not so fast. Another controller that was in that division ended up getting it as an interim position then the CEO of that hospital got fired which put everything on hold..... blah, blah, blah. In the end, of course, the interim controller will become the permanent CFO because who in the world wants to go to Lehigh anyway?? So we were back to square one.... but I continued to have faith.

So a few weeks ago, Jon sends me an email from the CEO of his hospital. Without going into great length, lots of changes happened, and they made Jon the interim CFO at one of the Naples hospitals. Wow, God!! I had faith that God had answered in the most amazing way imaginable. Now, the only way that he could really "lose" the position and not be made the permanent CFO would be if another current CFO from another hospital in his company wanted the position. I was sure that God had done all this to work it out for us. I was sure that no one would want it!

But, alas, I have found out in the past couple of days that two CFOs are interested in it. Nothing has been decided yet, but from the moment I heard it, Satan has been whispering defeat in my ear. Through all these months, I have held strong to my faith that God has us here for a reason. There are things that have happened recently in my personal life that give me even more reason to want to stay. So now I'm questioning if I'm being selfish in my desire to stay. After all, I'm the one who wrote a couple of months ago about sacrifice. Being a wife and mother is dedicating yourself to a life of sacrifice, right? Do I have the right have any dreams? I don't know.... this is a real struggle.

So here I am right now--in the middle of my messy life. I know the truth, thankfully. I know the creator of the stars and the creator of me who has all the plans in his hands. I know these things, and yet I still struggle with the day to day thoughts of it all. I still struggle with worrying about how I will ever be able to get this house in decent selling order or learning and abiding by a stricter state's homeschooling laws. I struggle with worrying about my kids' reactions and disappointments to leaving their friends and the only home they've ever known. I struggle with the disappointment of fighting for, praying for and loving our church through really hard times, seeing it being blessed by God, becoming a wonderful family for my children, building an incredible new building (that's completely paid for!) only to know that I might be leaving before we even ever get into the building of the amazing church that we've given so much of our lives to. And then I struggle with my personal dreams--dreams that I wonder if I should even have the audacity to dream. I really don't even feel begrudging about losing them. I really just want to use my talents to bring glory to God, and I can say that with all honesty. I know that he doesn't need me or my talents to bring glory to himself. He's the author of anything and everything that's good in me. But still.... it's a struggle.

And most of all it's a struggle because there's still no end. There's no timeline. There's no one saying "this is going to be over in a month....or two months".....or whatever! Last October, I would have never thought I would still be in the same place mentally, emotionally or maybe even physically. But here I am. Here we are, still paying the same mortgage payment with the same income. Here we are still paying our property taxes and insurance with our tax refund and paying off our credit cards (because the salary just doesn't cover it) with bonus money. Yes, I'm thankful for those things. I'm thankful for the refund and the bonus money. It's hard to see it fly out the window as fast as it came in without ever "getting ahead" but at least we're not getting too much farther behind either.

So here I continue to sit in uncertainty. I continue to live my life and make my plans on the outside--all the while on the inside not knowing if we'll be here to start school in the fall or to even attend art camp or VBS in June. I have a God who knows, but he's not really in the business of letting me in on all his plans!

So my prayer is just that I will be the wife I need to be--to be a helpmeet to my hardworking, faithful husband. I want to support him and love him and feel the way I felt on my wedding day--that no matter where we ever had to move or live.... I was totally and completely happy that it would always be with him! And I pray that I will be the mother that my children need through any changes that God brings about. I pray that I will be strong for them. I pray that my faith will be strong enough for them to see Jesus in me. I pray that as I go through the fire that I will be supple in my Maker's hands, that the refinement process will go quickly and smoothly. :) (Don't we all want that?) I pray he will mold me and make me to look more like his Son and that I would come out on the other side radiating his light even more. My life is his; it is not my own.