Miscarriage and the hurts of life

No one was more surprised than me. No one.

As I watched that little blue line appear and get darker and darker, a feeling of complete disbelief washed over me. My heart beat faster, my breathing increased, and tears sprang to my eyes. My entire body was frozen and time stood still.

*How could this happen?*

I do know the answer to that. Believe me, I do. I know many people think it's cute and funny to ask parents of large families if they know "how this happens" but it's not original, and it gets old after awhile. So there. I'm just sayin'....

But in that moment in time I did wonder *how could this happen to us?*

We had been resolute in our decision not to have any more biological children and were taking the necessary steps to prevent that. So the question again....

I immediately shared my new surprise information with a trusted old friend. I just needed to have the confirmation that yes, this was a blessing! Of course I knew it was, but it always helps to hear it from someone else as well.

I knew what Jon's reaction would be so I waited to tell him. We were planning a trip to get away--just the two of us--for three days. I prepared to tell him then so that he would have plenty of time away from the stress of reality and every day life to let this news sink in.

In the meantime, my excitement grew. I had gotten rid of all my baby clothes, maternity clothes, baby "stuff" of all kinds. So I began to steal glances at all the tiny things I saw. Thoughts of "wearing" my baby again, as I always do when my babies are small, made me smile. Memories of my nose in soft, squishy, baby smelling necks washed over me and along with those came the anticipation of another precious bundle to hold and cuddle and enjoy. I knew my kids were going to be thrilled. And I knew that they were going to give this baby as much love and snuggle time as I was!!

Yes, this was a gift from heaven. An unplanned and unexpected gift. And I couldn't be happier.

Jon's reaction was about what I expected, but soon he too was excited at the prospect of another little blessing around here. The kids were over the moon and my girls went to sleep every night with thoughts of snuggling and cuddling and rocking their new baby dancing through their dreams. Everyone began making plans and thinking about sharing their room with the baby. Offers came from all the children, and each had their own idea of how to rearrange their furniture to "fit" this new addition.

And then the unexpected happened. My body seemed to be a pregnancy machine, well oiled and working. Somehow it didn't seem like the "odds" would catch up with me. But they did. 1 in 5 babies are miscarried. All of a sudden I was another statistic sitting in an Emergency Room talking with an OB whom I had never met. He was a compassionate man in his late 50's/ early 60's. Even after that many years of talking about miscarriage, he had tears in his eyes as he told me that this baby, this unexpected blessing, this unknown dream would never have life on this earth.

Over the few weeks before I had spent countless amounts of time praying for this baby, giving this baby over to God, acknowledging that Jesus held her* in his hands. I felt like I heard God over and over whispering two words.

"Trust Me."

But I've known Jesus for a long time, you see. And I know that when God says, "Trust Me" that doesn't always mean things are going to turn out like I want them to. But what I do know is that I can trust him. I can trust him because He does, in fact, hold everything in his hands. The old Spiritual song "He's Got the Whole World in His Hands" is one of the truest, simplest doctrines there is. And because of that, because he really does have the whole world in his hands, I can trust him.

Yes, I have cried and I have hurt. I won't deny that. My children have cried and hurt as well. And even my practical husband, who didn't know how we could make this happen when I first told him, got his world rocked that day in the hospital. My baby that I already had so many plans for was gone.

I found myself not wanting to see anyone or respond to texts or messages or email. I appreciated every one of them immensely. I felt the body of Christ in a huge way. I felt loved in a way that I hadn't before. And that was wonderful. But I just wanted to cocoon up with my "little" family and mourn. I needed to be with my children. I needed to cry with my husband. And I did those things.

I can't claim to know how every woman who has had a miscarriage feels. Over the few days after it happened when I saw a pregnant woman or a new baby, my heart was sad thinking about "what could've been" over the next few months. But I've had that before. I've had five wonderful pregnancies and six beautiful, healthy children. Who am I to ask for more? My heart ached for the women who experience this and yet have no children to comfort them as they mourn, no little voices to fill the empty void with the sound of the word, "Mommy." I can't even begin to comprehend.

I came into this hard experience from a place of fullness. To say my life is full is almost an understatement. I love my life. I love what I do. I was made to be a mommy--God confirms that in me over and over. So even though this was hard, I have had so many people praying for me, loving me through this, speaking words of encouragement and faith into my life. I have had my strong husband who was softened by this experience. I have had my precious children who have spoken their hurts, cried when they needed to and asked the hard questions. And I have had sweet friends who expected nothing from me and let me be me--crying when I needed to and also laughing as well.

No, I can't claim to understand other people's pain. I can't even fathom the feelings of the woman who finds out she will never have a baby come forth from her womb.  I can't claim to understand the pain of the woman who continues to lose baby after baby from her body and struggles with thoughts that her body has failed her. And I can't imagine being the woman who watches the life slowly drain out of the body of her beloved child and wonders how she herself will ever take another breath without willing it to happen.

I have known all of these women. They are strong, beautiful women who have known the pain and the hurt that this life can bring. They've felt first hand the affects of sin on this world in a tangible way. But all of these women that I've known have also known Jesus. I may not have responded to them in the right way. I may not have known the right words. I may not have even said anything. But I know that Jesus has gotten all of them through it. And I know that even though my sadness is real, it can never compare to what so many people in this world endure.

My family knows an exciting truth. We know that one day we will see our little "Emmy," the child conceived in my womb who some would refer to as a "genetic mishap." My precious little girls have drawn pictures of the day that they will meet her. And even though it's brought floods of tears from me, it is healing for them as they anticipate that day. But even greater than that, on that day we will see our Savior and all the hurt and all the pain of this world will be erased. What a beautiful promise to look forward to as we serve our Sovereign God today.

*We did not know the sex of the baby for sure, but I felt just like I did when I was pregnant with the girls. My pregnancies have been very distinctly different betweens boys and girls so we have assumed this was a girl and named appropriately.*

When Facebook sucks

Over the years I've loved Facebook. It's been a way for me to keep in touch with my friends that I've moved away from or who have moved away from me throughout the years of my life. I've reconnected and rekindled relationships and formed new ones as well. Facebook can also be a great tool for spreading good news!! I've used it myself for that a few times.

But now I'm learning that it sucks when that good news turns to bad news, and you've shared it with all of your 800 or something friends. Yes, you can probably guess, we found out yesterday that we lost this precious baby. Without going into detail, I'll just tell you that (as you can imagine) our hearts are heavy and our emotions are raw. Our kids are dealing with this on a different level--the level of a child. They are all dealing in their own way, but they are grieving. My sweet Shepley cried for hours last night, as I knew she would. LH and Breck cried as well, but they bounced back faster. CJ just had lots of questions. Her five year old mind just can't quite comprehend this. She keeps saying, "I wish the baby was still in your tummy." *So do I, baby girl, so do I*

Jon and I are crushed as well. We had really gotten excited about the idea of another baby around here and seven children. It just seemed right and natural for us. It's one of those things that we just don't always know the answers to, and yet we know that it's all in the hands of our Savior.

We appreciate all of the texts and emails already from people who knew Friday that I was starting this and yesterday as we found out really what was happening. We know we are loved, and that's about the most important thing right now. Shepley told me she didn't want to go anywhere for a long time or see anyone. I told her I understood exactly how she felt.

I think Thanksgiving and Christmas are going to feel a little bit empty this year. I was so excited to think about having a brand new baby for the holidays. How fun that would be!! But those were not the plans for us.

"The Lord gave, and the Lord has taken away. Blessed be the name of the Lord."  ~Job 1:21 

The Journey Continues

So a couple of weeks ago, I posted about the journey of life. Things have kind of been on hold here for a little bit while I've been processing this next step in our journey as a family.

You may also remember if you read my new year's blog that I listed a lot of things that I had "learned" during 2012. Don't ever do that. Especially with something that you really don't have control over!!

One of those statements was "I'm done having biological children" and another was "I'm too old to have a 2 year old."

Well, God is saying, "Oh no, honey! Negative to both of those statements!!"

Yes, you read that right. We are having another baby. Baby Richards #7 is due sometime around the beginning of November 2013. And I'm so happy! :)

In my last blog post, I talked about how each of us was called to "take up our [own] cross" and to deny ourselves. Admittedly, I did feel this way in the beginning. It was quite a shock for me to process when I'm turning 40 in September to think that once again, I'm starting over. Cedar has been such a rambunctious ball of joy (and I say that with ALL sincerity) that it was hard for me to think about going through this 2-3 age again in three years!! But the same God who parted the Red Sea and the same God who raised Lazarus from the dead is the same God who will sustain this 40-something year old body through toddlerhood and my 50-something year old body through the teenage years. And he's the same God that will sustain me through 30+ straight years of homeschooling.

In the couple of weeks that I've had to process this news, God has taken me all over the place. But the place where he's always got me is right in the middle of his plan--his sovereign, gracious plan that he has promised is to give me a "hope and a future." (Jeremiah 29:11) I can rest in the knowledge that my Savior has it all planned out, and this baby is not a footnote or a surprise to him. This life was planned out and known before the foundation of the world. And even as He is knitting this precious one together, the days of his life are already formed and written in His book. (Psalm 139:16.)

What an awesome Savior we serve! I am in awe of his graciousness to me--to give me yet another chance to give life to an eternal soul. What a privilege we have as women to grow life in our womb and bring it forth for his glory.

My children are thrilled. They couldn't be happier to share their lives with another blessing. I'm also blessed to have parents and in-laws and family members who are happy for us. I know that this isn't always so with big families.

I don't know what the future holds. I don't know where this baby's clothes will go or anything else. I know he/she will sleep with us for the first few months. After that, I can't tell ya what's going to happen!! :) I have no more maternity clothes, no infant car seat, no high chair or bumbo, no baby swing or exersaucer. Ha ha!!

But I do know that there will be plenty of arms to hold this baby, lips to kiss it all over, and love to smother it with. And I know that this mama and daddy are very ready and excited to welcome another precious gift of life and love into our already "very full" world!!

Thank you, Jesus!

The Journey

If I have learned anything in these last few years it's that life is a real journey. Sometimes the journey is easy and light and fun! The Disneyworld vacation time of life!! Other times we trudge through muck and mud and all the yuckiness that goes with it. And then there are the dry desert times.

Through all of these times of our life we learn. Some learn better than others. That doesn't necessarily mean the rest of the journey is easier. It usually just means you can enjoy it more. Learning not only to "live through" but actually "find joy in" life's hard times is a gift--one that we should all seek to find.

I believe one way we find joy in the hard times is truly surrendering ourselves to God's will for our lives. I've got some stuff going on right now that I can't talk about yet, and he is teaching me volumes about surrendering to his will and what that truly means.

About a year ago I blogged about a song that meant a lot to me. It's by Sidewalk Prophets. It's called "You can have me." I'm going to put the lyrics here again because they hit so close to home for me right now.

"If I saw you on the street, and you said, 'Come and follow me,'

But I had to give up everything--all I once held dear and all of my dreams.

Would I love you enough to let go?

Or would my love run dry when you asked for my life?

When did love become unmoving?

When did love become unconsuming?

Forgetting what the world has told me.

Father of Love, you can have me.

You can have me.

If you're all you claim to be then I'm not losing anything.

So I will crawl upon my knees just to know the joy of suffering. 

I will love you enough to let go.

Lord, I give you my life. I give you my life!!

When did love become unmoving?

When did love become unconsuming?

Forgetting what the world has told me.

Father of Love, you can have me.

You can me.

I wanna be where you are.

I'm running into your arms.

And I will never look back

So, Jesus, here is my heart!

When did love become unmoving?

When did love become unconsuming?

Forgetting what the world has told me.

Father of Love, you can have me.

My Father, my Love, you can have me."

~Sidewalk Prophets

"You can have me"

These Simple Truths (album)

As I'm struggling through something right now, this spoke in a huge way to me yesterday. This is one of those songs that you can sing along to no big deal--until something happens and God is really asking you to give him your everything. We THINK we give him everything all the time. Then when he really asks, we see how much we hold back.

He's been teaching me that everyone has their own cross to bear in this life, and that they are all different. My cross doesn't look like anyone else's. Sometimes other people's look like styrofoam compared to mine. But then it's not too hard to look around and see others struggling to even stand or crawl under the weight of theirs. It's not for me to judge or tell God what cross I want. He only tells us "Take up your cross and follow me." (Luke 9:23) Right before he says that, he tells us to deny ourselves. That's part of it. 

Denying ourselves can mean so many things. For some, it may mean physically denying food or comforts. For others it may mean denying the easy life. It's as individual as knowing what stands in the way between us and God (our idols) and denying ourselves those things so that we can walk more closely with him and look more like him. Sometimes he sends things into our lives to "help" us deny ourselves a little more. Those things can be tough to take. 

But even though I'm learning what it means to deny myself right now, to take up my cross, to follow him daily--I'm choosing joy in the journey. And when I'm able to share what's going on in my life right now, it will be with a joyful heart that has hopefully comes to grips with what it's going to take to continue to follow my Jesus unabashedly!

Homemade tortillas and hummus

Okay, yum! For real. I decided the other day that I needed to make more use of my dehydrator so I came up with a tortilla recipe. Yes, all by myself. (I'm a little proud because it was so good!) Here's the recipe if you're interested.

Yellow pepper quinoa tortillas:

2 cups cooked quinoa
2 yellow peppers cut into strips
1/4 cup chia seeds
Sea salt and fresh ground pepper to taste

I halfed the recipe and put half of it in the food processor at a time until the yellow pepper is all mixed in. Spread thinly over paraflex sheets or parchment paper and put in dehydrator at 135 degrees for 3 1/2 hours. I wanted to try with red peppers but I only had one.

One of the tortillas was a little crunchy (probably a little thin) so I broke it up into chips and ate it with salsa!!

Then I made zucchini hummus today. If you've never made it, here's the recipe I use:

Raw Zucchini Hummus Recipe

For this recipe you will need:

Vita-mix (I think it works best for this recipe)
3-4 medium zucchini’s
1/4 c olive oil
1/4 c lemon juice
1/2 c + 2 T of raw organic tahini
1.5 t salt
2 t cumin
4 cloves of garlic
Paprika to garnish

Cut up zucchini and blend them first then add everything else.

So for lunch I was so excited to try my creation!! I thickly spread the hummus over a tortilla, added tomatoes, lettuce and turkey. It was so flavorful. Better than I even expected!!!

Ash Wednesday and the Lenten season

What is Lent? This is a question that I had never really thought about before we moved to Knoxville. I mean, I knew that people gave something up, but I really thought it was only something Catholics did. Now that we are at a church that adheres pretty strongly to the church calendar, I'm learning so much.

Today is Ash Wednesday and tonight our family will attend a service with the "imposition of ashes" which means we will get ashes on our foreheads. The kids remember this from last year, and as we were discussing Lent and Ash Wednesday last night around the dinner table, they had different opinions for sure. I have one who is really excited about it (not sure that that's exactly the right response.) And I have one that said they did not like it at all and asked if they had to even do it (not sure that's the right response either!) But I'm glad they are honest. It gives us a chance to talk and through it all the love and grace of Jesus shines through. And that's what this season is all about--pointing to Jesus.

At the Ash Wednesday service, when the pastors put the ashes on your forehead (many times in the form of a cross) they will usually quote: 

“You are dust, and to dust you shall return” (Gen 3:19)

This is a reminder of our humanness, our mortality, and of course our sinfulness. That is the bad news--we are sinful, to the core. Original sin and all that, you know?? But the reason we need to be reminded of our humanity and sinfulness is to make the good news even better! The good news comes after the Lenten season is over--Jesus is Risen! Sin and death have been conquered!! Now that is good news!

Ash Wednesday starts the 40 day Lenten period. This period does not include Sundays--which still remained the "Feast Days" in the early church. The 40 days is symbolic of the time that Jesus spent in the wilderness before he began his "official" ministry. During that time, Jesus was tempted by Satan many times. He fasted and prayed, and was probably at his weakest point physically (besides being beaten and hung on a cross) in his life. And yet, even though he was fully man, he never gave into temptation.

Some celebrate these 40 days by 'giving up something.' It is a little reminder of all that Jesus gave up for us. It is a time to open up more of our life to let Jesus have more of it. Some people give up things like sugar or soft drinks or cigarettes or alcohol. And while I'm not knocking those things to give up, your life would be better anyway if you gave those up permanently. But maybe we should look a little deeper to give up something that takes our time from focusing on the work of Christ? I know that there are many things in my life that do that! And it's not food.

Last night around the dinner table we encouraged all of the kids to think of something they'd like to give up. Yes, one still said "soft drinks." Okay, fine. Shepley remembered that last year she gave up "art." She made the statement that she forgot a couple of times and did it. She said, "It was just so hard!" What a great point! That's exactly it!! We CAN'T do it. We can't keep our Lenten promises fully. Even if stay away completely from what we said we weren't going to do, we must question our motives. Does keeping it perfectly bring up feelings of pride in us? Are we working in our own strength to keep them? Are we making what we 'give up' the focus? The bad motives go on and on. And that is the point!! We can't keep the law. We never could.

That's why God sent his Son.

And that's what Lent is about--a reminder that we can't keep the law. The law can't and never could save us. All the law can do is remind us of our sinfulness and utter hopelessness....

And point us to Jesus!

We culminate the Lenten season in Holy week which starts on Palm Sunday. We celebrate King Jesus. We see his triumphant entry into Jerusalem, and then we see our King lay down his life willingly so that we don't have to live under law anymore. We are FREE! What a joyous celebration we should have!

So this year, give Lent some thought. Talk about it with your family. Get some discussion going. We are going to start reading the Jesus Storybook Bible tonight. Even though it's geared for young children, it's a wonderful picture of how the entire Bible is redemptively pointing to Jesus. And it's great for any age! Because we all must be as little children, remember?

We also use our church band's album when we worship during Lent and Easter. You can buy it at itunes, and I can promise you won't be disappointed. My kids love listening to this, and it's truly the best album for this season that I've ever heard. I can't figure out how to link the album from itunes here because itunes doesn't have a web address. But the album is called "Rise O Buried Lord" by Redeemer Knoxville. Check it out today!!

Broiled Sole with buttery sauce

I should've taken a picture of the fish! I'm so bad about that!! But I didn't. So I'll just have to tell you what I did with it! :) I bought frozen sole (wild caught) from Trader Joe's. It was quite inexpensive, and I'm trusting that it was wild caught like it claimed!! Next time I'll buy two packs. It was just enough for our family with one, but I'm sure my husband and oldest would've eaten plenty more if given the chance! Plus, Cedar didn't eat tonight because he was sick.

So here's what I did. It was simple and fast and turned out really yummy!

1 pkg. frozen wild caught or fresh wild caught sole (or other mild white fish)--a little over a pound.
4 Tbsp. butter
1/2 cup white wine
juice of one lemon
thyme to taste
Melt butter and whisk last four ingredients together for sauce.

Line pan with raised sides with aluminum foil. Place fish (fresh or defrosted) over foil. Pour buttery sauce over fish. Place in broiler for 10-12 minutes or until fish is flaky.

Perfectly light, yummy and healthy!