For Better or for Worse

*I started this yesterday but didn't finish until now.... six kids, that's my excuse!!

Today is my anniversary.

17 years ago today I married the man of my dreams. I mean that with all of my heart. If I could have taken all that I wanted/dreamed about in a husband and stuffed it inside a flesh and blood body, I couldn't have made a more perfect model of exactly what I thought I wanted!! ;) He was exactly what I asked for, dreamed of, talked about. Sometimes God does have a sense of humor, doesn't he? :) I remember sitting on my friend's bed in college and both of us pouring out our hearts to describe the perfect guy for us. Jon fit my mold--and he still does! (Only one slight issue--I was the one who changed!!) :) I don't mean that he's not still perfect for me. He is! But God has definitely had to remind me a few times through the years that those things that might sometimes drive me crazy now are the exact things I wanted in the beginning. Ah, the irony!

In the beginning..... he was mysterious. Really. Not many people really knew Jon. There are not many people still who really know Jon! He was definitely the strong, silent type (check #1 off my list.) He seemed serious and guarded. He also seemed a little bit dangerous (check #2 off my list.) He took big risks and liked adventure. When he played, he played hard. When he worked, he worked hard. He was competitive and goal oriented. He knew what he wanted and what he needed to do to get it. He didn't let much get in his way...... except me.

I knew from the beginning that he was falling for me. He never flirted or really gave too many girls the time of day. But he tried to flirt with me. (Yes, notice I said tried.) I don't mean to make fun of him, but flirting is not one of his strong suits, and he will totally admit that!! :) But he noticed me, and he tried to show me that. I felt pursued by him (check #3 off my list.) After a while I knew that he would change every plan he had ever made for me. I knew that I was one of the only people who had ever penetrated that tough exterior to see the real him. I knew the real him--something that only a handful of people did. That made me love him all the more.

He was solid. He was stable. (check #4 off) He was not emotional. (check #5 off) Yes, that's right. I wanted a guy who wasn't emotional or too sensitive. :) And my sweetheart fit the description!! :) I love him, oh how I love him, but I did realize later that maybe just maybe, he could stand to be a bit more sensitive! Ha! :) That's what I meant about he didn't change--I did!! But this was a guy with his head on straight. This was a guy who was faithful, loyal, trusted in Christ, and was a steady rock for me. I knew this was a guy that I could submit to in marriage. I knew he would always take care of me and always listen to me--and then I could trust that he would ultimately make decisions in our family for all of our good. I knew I could marry him and give him my entire heart and trust that "for better or for worse" he would stay. He would love me. He was committed to me--forever.

I can't tell you how many times I have been thankful for that. I can't tell you how many times I have looked out the window as he's driving up the driveway, coming home from work, and with tears in my eyes thought *he's still coming home to me.* I remember thinking on the day we got married how amazing it was that wherever we ended up, no matter where we moved or went, it didn't matter at all because all that was important was that I got to live every day for the rest of my life with him. And I still think that! I really don't care where we go--as long as it's with him.

He is my "earthly" rock. He keeps me grounded. He is steady and stable, and I trust him with everything that I am and have. I have no trouble submitting everything to him, listening to him, and yes, even obeying him. We said it in our vows!! I know it's not PC to have "love and obey" in your vows anymore, but I'm so glad we did. It's biblical, and it works!! He is my head. I am his helpmeet. I have no trouble with this. Thankfully, I had a wonderful role model in my own mother growing up to see this in action and know it works. I was very blessed, and I'm am very thankful. I hope my children are able to see it in our marriage as well.

I've never felt run over by him. If you know me, you know there's not too many people that could run over me! :) He's never used me or taken advantage of me. He's never made me feel like a doormat or that my opinion didn't matter. He's always listened to me and he's always supported my dreams and endeavors 100%. I think that's what makes us work. We both seek to fill our roles in marriage biblically. Imagine that!! God's ideas work! :) No, we aren't perfect at it!! Not even close. There are plenty of times that our flesh gets in the way. Our children can certainly attest to that, I'm sure. But when we mess up, we once again go back to our life source--Jesus. He's the only one who can repair the damage and get us back where we need to be.

But that's when the "commitment" part comes in. That's what marriage is. It's not just "We'll do this while we still feel in love with each other." While it's hard to believe in the beginning that you aren't going to be head over heels for the rest of your life, that time eventually comes when you realize, "Hmmm, he's not very lovable today" or "I just don't really feel like loving him today" or whatever.... Life happens. You get busy. You forget to take the time to nurture your relationship. But even if you do all the right things, there's no way anyone can ever feel like that forever. It just doesn't happen. That's when the commitment has to mean something. We said vows. We made those vows before God and witnesses, and we promised that we would stay together "til death do us part." We meant it. There are no other choices. I am my beloved's and he is mine--forever. There is real security in that. There is real security in knowing that he takes those vows just as seriously as I do. And there's real security for my children in that as well. They know and have no doubt that their Daddy is always going to be coming home at the end of the day. They may not love having their older brother babysit them a couple of times a month for us to go out, but I think one day they will be so glad that we did that! :)

I'm not an expert on marriage. I do not claim to be!! I can just tell you what's worked for us. We've prayed together, read God's word together and committed to the biblical model for marriage. I'm so thankful for this security in my life. I'm thankful for 17 years, and I'm thankful for the years ahead that I look forward to "for better or for worse--til death do us part."

Rubs and Salves

I've started a new endeavor in my life. I'm always looking for something new (like I don't already have enough going on.) But I love finding alternatives to conventional medicine, and if I can make them myself--even better!! If I can help other people and make a little money in the process, well that's just about the best!! My idea to make these sprang from something I've been doing for years. Whenever my kids get a cold, cough or sore throat, I always have made an oil rub for their chest (and the bottom of their feet.) I don't like to use Vick's Vapor Rub because it's got a petroleum base (petroleum=gasoline=something I don't want rubbed into my children's skin.) So I found this essential oil concoction suggested in an herbal book about 6 or 7 years ago. It has worked like a charm for us. I've given the recipe to so many people, I can't even count. But the problem is that the initial investment into it is about $50. Now, of course you can use those oils for a really long time. But there are lots of people who don't want to spend that first $50 and would rather just reach for the Vicks! I don't blame them. I use essential oils a lot for lots of different things so for me, it's just another remedy. So I started thinking, *How could I bottle this stuff and help other people?*

You see, your skin readily absorbs anything it comes in contact with. I've read that anything you rub on your skin (lotions, make-up, sunscreen) hits your blood stream in about 27 seconds!! So it's really important that we make sure that we put good stuff on our skin. Most health and beauty products have mineral oil (which clogs pores and causes toxins to be trapped in your body), petroleum based products and parabens (preservatives which are known carcinogens.) When possible, I like to use organic products and ALWAYS read the labels for ingredients that I actually know what they are!! So for me, it's much easier just to make it myself. Then I don't have to worry about what's going on my family's skin. And it also WORKS!!! (Which is the most important thing, right??)

So I've been working on these for a little while now, and I'm ready to sell them. Here's just the first preview. I have diaper rash cream, cold/cough rub, eczema salve, and bites-n-stings salve for now. I'm planning to make sunscreen and burn salve in my next batch. I need to get some labels and a good logo. But they are ready to go right now!! I used the bites-n-stings salve on my daughter's friend who was here the other day. She got an ant bite outside, and we all know how those sting!! She came in and it was red, swollen and stinging. I put that on it, and she immediately said it felt better. :) I was so excited!! I knew it would. It's got the same stuff in it that I've used on my kids for years, and it's always worked!

So here are some pictures I've taken of my products:

Infusing the coconut oil with herbs to make my concoctions!

"Creamylicious" Fanny Cream

Cold/Cough Chest Rub

Eczema Salve (the bites-n-stings looks exactly the same as well.)

My products have Vitamin E for a preservative and have a shelf life of about 6-9 months (longer if stored in the refrigerator.) They can be shipped, but may need to be put in the refrigerator for a couple of hours after you receive them because of the summer heat. It won't change the way they work, but they are made with coconut oil which liquifies at temperatures above 77-80 degrees. Since they are not completely coconut oil but also have beeswax (and some have olive oil in them as well) I don't think they will really liquify, just get really soft. I need to work on a PayPal account as well and figure all that out because I'm not so great with all that right now!! But I know some people have asked me about them, and I wanted to let you know--they are ready!!

Prices as follows:
Creamylicious Fanny Cream $10
Cold-n-Cough Chest Rub $12
Bites-n-Stings Salve $12
Eczema Salve $12
Burns-n-Boo Boos $12


**For now, I've decided to work on the sunscreen a little more and figure a few things out before offering it. I want to make sure it's got good SPF and still as natural and organic as possible!**

Nursing older babies/toddlers

It's been forever since I've had a post. I think about it, and then I can't find a time to write. Then when I have time to write, I can't think of what I wanted to write about!!

But I've been thinking lately about what it's like to nurse an older baby in public. I've nursed my last four babies way beyond a year and up to two years. But after they start eating solid food, there usually isn't a huge need to nurse them when you aren't at home just because it's easier a lot of time to give them food when they are hungry. Now, there are times when it's more necessary.... when they are tired, hurt, whatever. But in general, I've personally found it easier just to nurse them at home and give them something easy to satisfy them when we are out.

The reasons for this are many. One reason is that older babies are more likely to "pop off" for no reason or without notice! :) Any sudden sound or noise or someone who comes up and talks usually peaks their curiosity. They need to look around to see what this new noise is--usually leaving you exposed for a second or two until you can get covered. While this doesn't really bother me, I am aware that there are others around that may take issue and (contrary to popular belief) I do like to be sensitive to their feelings! Another reason is because even if you do use a cover when babies are small, by the time they are older they are usually not as happy to be under that cover while nursing. Older babies (mine anyway) also tend to move around a lot. Mine seem to get up on their feet and dance around while still continuing to nurse. It's truly amazing that they can do this. But they do!! It's quite hard to control when you're out in public.

So in saying all that, my reasoning for writing this is because with Cedar I've found myself having to nurse him as an older baby out in public way more than my others. He will be a year on the 29th, and he's a big baby anyway so people tend to notice, make comments, etc. The reason that I find that I need to nurse him more is that he's gluten free. If I don't have a snack already prepared (which I usually don't because I'm not that organized) then I can't just give him crackers from the salad bar or goldfish from the nursery. I can't break little pieces of bread to appease him before his meal (usually consisting of fruit, chicken salad, beans or a baked potato depending on where we are dining--since we usually frequent the same places.) So I end up nursing him to keep him happy. I have noticed many more looks and stares in the last couple of months.

Even though I don't use a cover (because I think it screams "I'm nursing a baby under here") I'm very discreet. I have many people come all the way up and say "Oh, do you have a sleeping baby?" As long as he's still, that is! When he decides to do his "nursing dance" there's not a lot I can do about it. I still make sure I'm covered, but I just do my best to keep his dancing to a minimum.

But even with all of this, I've found people's comments interesting. I haven't had anyone say anything negative--mainly because I haven't had any comments from anyone I didn't know. I've certainly had looks from people I didn't know, but not comments. But the comments have mainly come at church and most of them in the nursery. Ha! I've been amused by how many people ask, "Um, exactly how old is he?" :) It does make me laugh. This is usually from women in their 50's or 60's. I think many of them didn't nurse because that was the big formula push in America. So I've found that some of them seem a little uncomfortable with nursing all together. So when you throw in the whole idea of nursing a baby who actually has teeth and can walk (oh the horrors) it just wigs them out! Like I said, if they don't see me start to nurse in the first place, they usually don't know what I'm doing. So they come up and see if he's asleep. Usually when they talk is when he does his whole "popping off" thing, and they kind of freak out. It's actually rather amusing. So that's when the question inevitably comes, "How old is he?" It's like they've heard of people out there nursing their babies beyond 6 months, but they didn't know that they actually knew someone who did it! :)

Thankfully, another friend of mine at church is still nursing her almost 13 month old as well. This is also her 6th child so we are just plain weird together!! :) One day we were in the nursery together nursing, and the volunteer who was in there was just kind of overwhelmed. I didn't really notice it at first, but then she asked the question, "Exactly how old are they?" I felt like giggling. That was when he was only 10 months and she was 11 months, but it was still quite the big deal.

I'm trying to do my part to normalize nursing older babies/toddlers for a year and beyond. The World Health Organization (WHO) recommends nursing for 2 years and then beyond that for whatever time is mutually enjoyable for mother and baby. This just means that as long as mommy and baby are both happy with the situation--go for it! The American Academy of Pediatrics (AAP) has always recommended nursing "at least" one year and has recently changed their stance to two years. When you look at the amazing health benefits of breast milk, you really can't argue with it. It's physically and emotionally healthy for babies and their mommies. And I think that normalizing 'nursing in public' makes it easier for women to continue the breastfeeding relationship which is so important between mommy and baby. Personally, I wouldn't trade it for the world.

Chicken Strips

So I've got another gluten free recipe. It's nothing earth shattering--just chicken strips!! :) But sometimes that's what I need--something easy and quick with not much thought. I hadn't tried them yet because I didn't know exactly what flours to use, but I just decided to go for it tonight. I mixed one part millet flour and one part sweet sorghum flour. I added celtic sea salt and Old Bay seasoning (yes, I checked, and it's gluten free as well.) I always dip my chicken in egg first to keep the batter on really well. I used sunflower oil in the deep fryer to fry them in. (Yes, I know deep frying is a horrible thing, but sometimes you just gotta fry something up!!) They were really good--especially with homemade honey mustard!!

Holy One

Face to the ground, I'm not proud

Of all you must see when you look at me.

I tremble at first as you wash the dirt 

The dirt from my feet and I see my need for Thee

You lift me up, Holy One, Holy One,

When I but come, You're enough, You're enough

You fill me up with Your love, with Your love

To You I run, Holy One, Holy One

All other noise fades away

Like all of the fear when Your voice I hear

You're beckoning me to come and just be

A child at your feet seeing my need for Thee

You lift me up, Holy one, Holy one

When I but come, You're enough, You're enough

You fill me up with Your love, with Your love

To you I run, Holy One, Holy One

You're enough to satisfy 

When the world has left me only dry

Enough to save my life 

When the world has left me here to die

You lift me up, Holy One, Holy One

When I but come, You're enough, You're enough

You lift me up, Holy One, Holy One

When I but come, You're enough, You're enough

You fill me up with your love, with your love

To You I run, Holy One, Holy One

This is a song by Rush of Fools. Their music really speaks to me. If you have a chance to check them out on itunes or something, I'd recommend it. I know they are from Alabama, but that's about all I know about them except that their lyrics are really reformed--whether they know it or not! :) 

My life is going through some sort of turbulent stuff right now--stuff that I can't really talk about here. But it would be sufficient to say that we could use your prayers. Music speaks to me all the time but especially when life seems to be spinning out of control. Some songs just know exactly what I need to say to God and exactly what I need to hear from him! 

I'll fill you in soon (hopefully) on all the details of my crazy life, but for now just know that I'm struggling and laying it all before the throne on a consistent basis throughout my day!! I'm resting in his hands and trusting in his goodness and love for us and in the fact that he has THE plan! And I want to be right in the middle of it--wherever that is!!

Foster Care/Adoption

You know, God really is the perfect parent, isn't he? I mean, this may seem too obvious to state, but it's so true. While we, as parents, scream, beg, plead, threaten, pout, (and on and on ad nauseam) to get our kids to do what we want/have planned for them; God does this completely differently! He works in gentle nudges, patient whispers, loving snippets from his precious Word. The Bible tells us he is long suffering. I never really understood why it used "long suffering" instead of "patient" but I've started to see over the years how that it exactly what the term should be.

Anyway, as I was driving to the homeschool convention on Thursday, God got me thinking. I was by myself with just Cedar as I was traveling from my parents' house in GA to meet Jon in Orlando. I had a lot of time to think by myself in the car--which NEVER happens for that long of a period of time. So I prayed a lot and sang praises a lot and enjoyed my time with him. But in the midst of this, he brought to mind "adoption" as he does often with me. Some of you probably think that is a silly thought with us having six kids and the youngest not even a year yet, but we have always said we would love to adopt again. These days, though, it seems that it's turned into just my dream instead. That's okay. My sweet husband is stressed and stretched beyond belief with finances and his time so I can't blame him for feeling like he can't handle another child. So I don't say much. It's in God's hands.

But the other day, God took my mind and heart on another trail of thought. Well, I shouldn't say it's different, it's just the first time he's brought it to my mind in this way. Once again, foster care came into my mind. I recently heard a letter read on the radio from a teenage girl in foster care. She had been bounced around to about five different houses and had finally landed in a Christian home. Through a certain stream of events, she said she finally heard herself laughing for the first time in a year. Then she was more interested in who this God was, etc. etc. The letter was very recent, and she was in the midst of "figuring it all out" so there was no major resolution, but it made me think. Of course, once again I brushed it off as "that wouldn't be good for my own children that God has given me to bring up." I mean, it's easy to think that. What if we got a child who had a terrible mouth and said all sorts of bad things in front of my children? What if we got a child who had watched terrible movies and told my kids all about them? Or worse, what if we got a child who had been sexually abused (or abused in any way) and did things to my children that are unspeakable? And then the big one--what would my children do if we got a baby (or little one) and then we had to "give it back"? What if? What if? So, the answer seemed an easy one.

But God's like that, isn't he? He doesn't let you go that easily. Just as I was giving my reasons once again why we certainly couldn't bring a foster child into our home and telling God that we were responsible for these precious blessings that he had given us, he asked me "And what about those children in foster care? Who is responsible for them? Someone failed them. Someone didn't do their job. And who's got to suffer for it?" Once again, it's the children who suffer. It's the "least of these" that aren't taken care of. And who has Jesus called to do this?

³¹ "When the Son of Man comes in his glory, and all the angels with him, then he will sit on his glorious throne. ³²Before him will be gathered all the nations, an ⁾he will separate people one from another as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. ³³And he will place the sheep on his right, but the goats on the left. ³⁴Then the King will say to those on his right, 'Come, you who are blessed by my Father, inherit the kingdom prepared for you from the foundation of the world. ³⁵For I was hungry and you gave me food, I was thirsty and you  gave me drink, I was a stranger and you welcomed me, ³⁶ I was naked and you clothed me, I was sick and you visited me, I was in prison and you came to me.' ³⁷Then the righteous will answer him, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry and feed you, or thirsty and give you drink? ³⁸And when did we see you a stranger and welcome you, or naked and clothe you? ³⁹And when did we see you sick or in prison and visit you?' ⁴⁰And the King will answer them, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did it to one of the least of these my brothers, you did it to me.'

    ⁴¹"Then he will say to those on his left, 'Depart from me, you cursed, into the eternal fire prepared for the devil and his angels. ⁴²For I was hungry and you gave me no food, I was thirsty and you gave me no drink, ⁴³I was a stranger and you did not welcome me, naked and you did not clothe me, sick and in prison and you did not visit me.' ⁴⁴Then they also will answer, saying, 'Lord, when did we see you hungry or thirsty or a stranger or naked or sick or in prison, and did not minister to you?' ⁴⁵Then he will answer them, saying, 'Truly, I say to you, as you did not do it to one of the least of these, you did not do it to me.' ⁴⁶And these will go away into eternal punishment, but the righteous into eternal life."        ~Matthew 25: 31-46

So, if we are to enter the Kingdom of Heaven, we are to take care of the "least of these." How do we do this? It looks different for everyone, I know. But as God started laying these children on my heart, I just found myself bawling as I drove down the interstate! These children have been failed. Yes, it is my responsibility to take care of my own, to shelter them, to make sure that their lives are kept holy and pure. But it's also my responsibility to take care of those who can't take care of themselves. I think about children right here in our own country who go to bed hungry because their parents spend the money on drugs or alcohol rather than on food for them. I think of children who cower in closets because they are afraid of getting beat again or can't stand watching their dad beat their mom. I think of children who are scared to close their eyes at night because of the movies or other things they've been allowed to watch. I think of children (yes, even here in America) who are being used a sex slaves and all the irreparable damage that is being done to them. I think of these children and all the other horrible situations out there that children find themselves in--at no fault of their own--and I think "I have the answer." Jesus is the answer! And if people who have the answer don't share it with those kids--who else will?? The state?? Yeah, right.

I don't know how this looks in my life right now. I don't know how this plays out. I do know that I haven't even mentioned it to my husband, and I'm pretty sure what his first response will be. But I also know that I serve a powerful God, and if he wants foster children in my home, then he will have them there!! What does this look like for my kids? I don't know. I do know, though, that the best "lesson" or example I can give them is the example of Christ. I know that the only way they are going to have a servant's heart is to see their parents with one. Only time will tell, but God has gotten my heart to the place where this is a possibility and maybe even a desire. So we'll see what great things he has in store for us.... It's always an exciting ride!

Homeschool Convention--the most exciting weekend of the year!

Okay, so some of you may think that's a bit of a dramatic statement--"the most exciting weekend of the year"?? But I think it's so true!! I started thinking about it, and this is the first time we've been in SIX years!! We haven't been since sweet Shepley was in my arms as a 5 month old, and we carted her around sort of like we carted sweet Cedar around this past weekend!! Of course, a little different in that he was crawling/toddling everywhere that he could and entertaining anyone who would pay attention to him (which, of course, at a homeschooling convention, was a lot of people!!)

There are so many things that are great about the Homeschooling convention. Here in FL, we have one of the largest in the country. Thousands and thousands of people pack the Gaylord Palms Hotel in Orlando. People from all over FL, from every walk of life. Some of them with plenty of money to spend on any curriculum or book that catches their eye, go to the most expensive restaurants with the whole family, shop at the hotel shops, and not bat an eye about it. Other families have saved all year to bring just enough cash to buy exactly what they need, pack their lunches to eat between seminars, and are just so thankful that the hotel gives us such a great discounted price to stay at such a beautiful place for a couple of days. For a lot of these families, this is their vacation every year. I noticed such a stark difference yesterday standing in front of the windows looking out over the pool. There were kids from two sets of families standing side by side. In one family, there were about 6 or 7 kids, girls in long blue jean skirts and plaid shirts with long hair and no make up; and boys dressed neatly but plainly with very short hair. Right next to them were three teenagers (I don't know if they were in the same family or not)--two boys and a girl--each with black shaggy hair (all about the same length), sunglasses, long baggy shorts (complete with chains), skull t-shirts, etc. (You get my drift.) The point being that the kids and families are all so different in many ways....

....BUT we are all so alike in so many ways that really count!! It's so refreshing to take your baby into a place with thousands of people and know that he will be welcomed with a smile, a friendly word and even a helpful hand. It's so refreshing to see--everywhere you go--teenagers hanging out with little brothers and sisters, loving them, taking care of them for the weekend. It's wonderful to be with so many people who understand what you're talking about when you say "quiverful" and even better than most of them agree with you about it!! It's amazing to hear other moms struggling with the same thing you are and to be able to ask questions and talk to people who don't just think the answer is 'putting your children in school.'

I love hearing about all the great things the youth around America are doing today--how they are learning to change the world (starting right here in our own country!!) I leave there filled with hope for our future. I leave there knowing that God is working, and that he is using me in a big way to fulfill that work. I feel validated as a mom and teacher to my children--knowing that being a mother is the most important job in the world!! I mean that with all my heart. I know it in my head every day of the year!! But sometimes my heart forgets, and it's good to be reminded.

It's good to be reminded that it's not all about academics and the right curriculum. It's okay if I haven't quite figured out my six year old's best learning style yet--it hasn't all gone to pot because she's going into First grade not reading!! The best education they are getting is the character that is getting built--the life lessons they are learning to be able to contribute mightily to society. I'm training my children, not just to be good employees or factory workers or to get a government job. If that's what they choose to do, that's fine. But I can't imagine that any of mine will. No, they dream higher than that, and I will not hold them back by squelching their creativity because we have spent too much time doing the "academics" that the world thinks are so important. I want my children to be able to spend the time they need doing what they love and developing God given talents in order to fulfill his calling for them in this life. I want them to dream big and know that as parents, we are behind them 100% and will do whatever it takes to make that happen.

I know that all parents feel this way. I'm not saying that because I homeschool that I have more love for my kids or loftier dreams. I'm not saying that any parent sits and thinks, "Wow, I really hope my kid gets a factory job one day." I don't think for one minute that I have any monopoly on raising my kids any better than other fellow loving parents! One thing, though, that I know I do have on my side is the ability to pick and choose what my kids spend the majority of their time doing. And I find it very appealing to be able to allow my children to explore their interests and create their masterpieces and use every part of their being figuring out God's purpose for their lives--even at this young age.

I'm thankful for this freedom and the freedom it gives my children to live the life to which they are led by their Savior. And I'm thankful for the one weekend a year that reminds me that this is why we have chosen this tough job of homeschooling. It's all worth it!! And I'm so excited for the day I get to see just what God has in store for each of my blessings!!