Worn

I heard a song on the radio for the first time (that I noticed anyway) about a week ago. I was driving to the gym one night because it was the only way I could escape what was going on at my house--LIFE! I kind of forgot about it until today. 

Today, when I started sobbing in church again for about the 4th straight Sunday, I left. I left before the sermon and even before most of the liturgy or anything else. I went to my car (which was three blocks away of course) and sat and cried. After awhile I turned on the radio. Before long, this song came on again. Wow. It speaks to me.

I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm worn. I feel that more on Sunday than any other day. I'm sure it's the enemy. But it's real all the same. I know where the answer is, and this song is so perfect because it speaks to the part of me that just says I can't even do that right now. Just being real here.

This is by Tenth Avenue North, and it's perfect for my life right now. (Bold and italics added by me.)

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Renewed passions

I started on my journey towards "all things natural" about 12 years ago when I first started researching home birth, water births, and things of the sort. That journey let me to have a home birth almost 10 years ago and then shortly after to chiropractic care. Through friends, acquaintances, the internet and other resources, I've hungrily taken in every bit of information I can get to learn more--some times of my life lending more easily to obtaining information than other times.

I've always been interested in essential oils and thought they had great healing properties. As you know, I love being able to take control of my own family's health. I love being proactive, and when sickness does creep in, I love having the knowledge of what to use to comfort them and help aid in their  healing. I do visit a medical doctor occasionally and may even get the prescribed antibiotics or whatever it is. I do this reservedly, knowing that the overuse of antibiotics is what has created all of these "superbugs" that take stronger and stronger antibiotics to get rid of. There are other things that have contributed as well, but I'm not going into those today!

I've used essential oils sparingly throughout the years. Gathering bits of information here and there, my favorites, as many know, have been peppermint, eucalyptus and lavender. I've used these for many things and have also used other oils like orange, ylang ylang, sage, rosemary, oregano, geranium and others. We use them for respiratory issues, calm and peace, anti viral and anti bacterial, stimulating contractions during labor, and even for getting rid of ticks on pets!! But recently, a friend has introduced me to a whole new world of essential oils. She sells doTERRA and has given me a couple of books. I was really interested in these oils because they are Certified Pure Therapeutic Grade (CPTG) and the plants are grown in their own natural environments.

I started using the On Guard when my friend gave a bottle back in October when I was in Naples. I was diffusing it throughout our living space, and not only did it make the house smell great, I really believe it protected us from all the flu that was going around in Knoxville. Everyone that we knew had gotten sick, and we had been around them. Then, of course, we went off for Christmas and didn't have our oils, and we all got sick!! :) Ha ha!!  But I ran out of the On Guard and wanted to get more. Lindsey thought that I should become a rep just so that I could buy my own stuff at wholesale.

While figuring out what I wanted to do and then deciding to go ahead and become a rep and then waiting on my shipment to come, my youngest was exposed to rotavirus somewhere and became ill this past Monday. Now, this is self diagnosing. I didn't take him anywhere. But he had all the symptoms. My 5 year old came down with it on Wednesday and then my 8 year old started throwing up last night. Oh the joy! But I was so excited when my oils came yesterday!!!

[disclaimer: I may get a bit descriptive here to be able to tell you what the oils did for me!!]

So Cedar threw up all day Monday and ran a low grade fever. Tuesday he seemed okay but was very tired and took a nap--which is sooooo not like him. Wednesday he started having major diarrhea (Which is when a friend suggested maybe rotavirus. I looked it up and it sure looked like it!) Without going into too much detail, at one point I had to change four diapers in 20 minutes. He couldn't keep anything in his tummy. It was like that all day Wednesday and Thursday until I got my oils. The oils came about 2 pm. I immediately rubbed some DigestZen (one of their blends that I had been waiting for) on his tummy and dabbed some frankincense on his feet. He hasn't had one bad diaper since. That is no lie or exaggeration! I was pumped. I also put some of both on Cama-Jane and Shepley. So far, Cama-Jane hasn't had any diarrhea. We'll see.

I also had Jon rub some of their DeepBlue on my back and shoulders last night for muscle aches. It definitely helped the soreness, but this morning I can tell that there is just something pinched or out in my back. A visit to the chiropractor is in order! It started this week so it must be from the rise in Cedar's need to be in my arms.

I'm so excited to learn more and use more oils! In listening to some of the information about them, I learned that oils (which are made out of plants--just like herbs) are 70% more effective in healing than herbs. I've used herbal remedies for years. And they do work--but yes, you have do be vigilant to do it a lot! Essential oils are so much more potent that it doesn't take much. And for the skeptics, there is even scientific research that says that essential oils DO work!! And from just what I've seen so far, there is definitely a difference in the potency between CPTG oils and off the shelf oils. I'm not knocking "off the shelf." I used them for years!! I just do think that the other is way more potent. I was seeing where it just said "use one or two drops." And I was thinking *one or two drops? that's nothing!* But after just seeing them work over the last day or so, I'm seeing how one or two drops is really all it takes. So they are much more cost effective in the end.

Not trying to make a sell or anything. I just like to share what I know because I know there are so many others out there beginning their journey or somewhere in the middle like I've been before. We can all learn from each other. And I love arming other moms with information to help them feel more able to care for their families in the ways that they choose.

2012 in Reflection

Happy New Year!!     2013???    Crazy!!!

As I think about my 2012 year, I think with all honesty it has been the hardest year of my life.

SO. MANY. CHANGES.

When Jon announced in September of 2011 that we would be moving to Knoxville, TN (and that he would be going in two weeks!) it was kind of a whirlwind. I found out that we were going for sure around September 3, and I was moved out of our beloved Naples home and staying in GA with my parents by October 20. Having been without my husband for about 6 weeks, our whole family moved into a cabin in Pigeon Forge, TN for about 3 weeks on Nov. 1 where we stayed until we closed on our new home in Knoxville.

During that time we drove to Chicago (well, I drove with kids, Jon flew because of work.... still a little bitter about that one :)) for his grandmother's funeral. We also drove down to Winder, GA for Thanksgiving. After that we finally started to get settled into our new home, find a church, had two sets of grandparents visit, find our way around, etc. So we decided to spend Christmas at home, away from family, for the first time EVER! That was hard, but it was needed rest! So there wasn't a whole lot of time to think about being sad or regrets or anything really.

So in January of 2012 when the dust began to settle and we were searching for some sort of normalcy, the reality hit me like the proverbial "ton of bricks." This place called Naples, FL from where I had been desperately trying to escape since the day I moved there in August of 2000, had become Home somewhere along the way. Who knew? Certainly not me. I had always hated the weather there (at least 8 months out of the year) and that was no secret to anyone who knew me! I didn't think the thousands of snowbirds who descended there every October to January and stayed thru April were (on the whole)  all that nice nor did they seem very "kid-friendly." It was hard to live in a place where the average age is 65. Now, that's actually down from years before, and the younger population is growing; but it still is what it is! I had longed for seasons, for reasons to buy cute winter clothes, to wear boots and scarves, for the colors of fall and maybe even a few snowflakes (at least have the possibility of it!) Truth be told, I had longed to be back in the South--where the tea is sweet, the people are sweeter and words are stretched out long and slow. I grew up in GA, and I had missed the Southern hospitality, Southern style, Southern atmosphere. I had missed monogrammed bath towels and monogrammed kids' clothes. I had missed so much about my beloved South.

So why wasn't I thrilled to be right smack in the middle of it all? Our family had begun to take frequent trips over to the Smokies to hike. That was a great thing!! We found a church that preached the Word of God, and we were really enjoying the worship. That was a great thing!! We were living in a neighborhood with a few kids around (which our kids had never had) and they were NICE kids. That was a great thing!! I had joined a Bible study at church and was beginning to develop some friendships. That was a great thing!! So many great things..... people were friendly, accents were even better than I remembered :), mountains were close, we were enjoying our first winter in years, monogrammed items abounded!! I even indulged in a glass of real sweet tea a couple of times!! What more could I want?

I'd like to share a few things with you that I've learned this year. No particular order really. Some serious, some not so serious. Just things that have been floating around in my head lately. Maybe one of these things will be encouraging to you.

The first thing I've learned (or rather, relearned....) is God always meets me where I am. The story of Jesus' birth shows us this clearly. He came, leaving perfect love, perfect fellowship, perfect glory, wrapped in human flesh to enter a sinful and ugly world to meet us where we were. Why would I ever think any differently of Him now? He's always there....wherever I am. In the heights of excitement, He's there. In the depths of sadness, He's there. In the midst of apathy, He's there. In the mundaneness of everyday life, changing diapers, cleaning bathrooms, cooking supper, my good days and bad ones....He's there as well. He's there in the way of a verse that pops into my head. He's there in the way of a friend with an encouraging word. He's there in a phone call with a much needed familiar voice on the other end. He's there in a husband who tries to hide his own stress and sympathize with me about mine. He's there in an unexpected hug or kiss from one of the kids. He's there in family members who try to do what they can to make this transition easier. He's there in His Word. He speaks to me and meets me where I am to continue to make me into who he has planned for me to be.

Moving was not as easy as I thought it would be! Seriously, I thought it would be no big deal. I like change. I'm adaptable. I can get along with most people. I like adventure. And I had my family. What more could I need? Oh I was wrong. Moving eight people 14 hours away with no family and no friends was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. What made it even harder was having a husband in a new position at a new hospital who had to work all the time. It was me that was in Naples when the packers/movers came (yes, I know how fortunate I am to have that done for me!!) Jon flew into Naples just in time to load us all in the car and drive out of town an hour later. It was me that was there the day that they unloaded all the stuff once again at our home in Knoxville. (And did I mention I had never even seen the house that Jon found and bought before I moved up here?) My hard working husband couldn't make it work to take any time off. You should have seen the movers faces when I told them it was just them and me....and six kids. But even after all the logistics were taken care of, it has just been HARD! I've found that moving to Naples in 2000 with one 3 year old was very easy. It was easy to pick up and go to the park with new friends; it was easy to go out to lunch, go to MOPS, find time to develop relationships. Moving while homeschooling 4 kids along with a pre schooler and an 18 month old....not quite as easy.

Sleep is overrated. I've always felt like I needed my sleep. Tell that to a toddler who has slept in 11 different places over the span of 3 weeks. Yep. I figured it out once during our transition of moving here. For the first two months he woke up 3, 4, 5 times a night. Then there were the little girls who needed night time snuggles as well. Cedar didn't sleep through the night again until May when he was almost two. The girls continue their need for nighttime snuggles at least 5 times a week!    

Never take family for granted. In Naples we lived in the same town as Jon's parents and brother and his wife. We tried to have pretty regular dinners together and time to spend. I tried not to use them too much for babysitting or anything, but if I was in a real bind, I could call. Jon's dad especially would just call out of the blue to ask what he could do to make my life easier that day. Sometimes I think about how nice that would be again. I miss them!

A good church family is just as important as the blood kind. But oh man, does it make it even harder to leave then!! Seriously, the absolute hardest part about leaving. It's so hard to go back. The people just know me. They know my kids. It's home. It's hard.

I don't want to be anyone's life coach. I don't want to tell anyone else how to live. I know many of you might smirk at this because I have more than my share of opinions about A LOT of things!! :) And when asked, I will tell you those opinions. And, yes, sometimes I post these opinions on my FB profile, but I don't make you read them. Just like for people to be informed that there are options out there that differ from the mainstream. That's all!

Pinterest is evil. Yes, I believe it. It's of the devil. It makes women all over feel inferior and underachieving. And for those of you out there who love it--good for you! But it makes me feel like a failure so I hate it.

Nothing could ever hurt me as badly as someone hurting my child. 'Nuff said.

Relationships take time. But the ones that you take the time to develop are the ones that last.

A good friend tells it to you straight but nicely. They don't sit by and watch you screw up (or screw up your kid) but they are willing to be used by Jesus to tell you the truth--even if it's not easy.

Homeschooling really was the right choice for us. Maybe you wonder why I put this on here as something I learned this year. Well, maybe it was just confirmed. Jon and I questioned it a lot this year--especially about our oldest. Did we do the right thing? Would he be more comfortable in new situations if he had been in school? Would he have better study habits? Would he be better at making new friends? (He's really struggled with this being here in Knoxville.) On and on..... We really questioned our decision. But we knew we couldn't go back and change it so what was the use in thinking about it. But over the last month or so God has shown me that, yes, it was the right decision. I can't point to one specific thing or reason. But he has shown me that even if maybe all of those other things had happened and been true (if he had been in school) I have no idea knowing what else might be true about him as well. I have no way of knowing what might have been so I only need to trust in what I know.... we followed God's leading to homeschool our children and He's working that out for our (and our kids') good as well!

I really do love birth, babies, mamas, and all that. I have missed it so much this year. I haven't had the opportunity to get into the birth world of Knoxville like I would have wanted to. It took much more than I thought to settle our family in here so I've missed out. That's okay, but I have a couple of prospects in the works that look good. Can't wait to get back to it!!

Going to the gym doesn't mean you'll lose weight. Oh yes. I joined a gym for the first time in 17 years. I worked out faithfully for six weeks. I gained 4 freaking pounds. (And don't tell me it was muscle. It wasn't. It was all in my stomach!) Because you see, when I work out--I crave CARBS!!! And carbs are baaaaaad for me!!! So I stopped working out, and I lost all 4 pounds again. Of course, then came the holidays......and yes, I'm starting the New Year about 5 pounds upward of where I want to be. But that's okay because January is here. Now it's all about self control. :)

I am no longer a "young" mom. I never thought it would happen. When I became a mother at 23 years old, I was ALWAYS the youngest. ALWAYS. There were so many older moms in Naples with young children that it seemed to perpetuate my youth. But moving here has shown me I'm not who I once was. I'm getting old.

I'm too old to have a 2 year old. Oh yes, it's true. He's about worn me out. As much as I love him, he's faster, quicker and stronger than me already!!

I'm done having biological children. Shocker, I know. *See above comment*

I'd really like to adopt again. This is a prayer of my heart. I'd love to adopt an older child. Jon's heart is not exactly there yet because he's thinking about the financial aspect of it. I don't think with my brain. I think with my heart. But I'm content to wait and see what Jesus has for us.

Having six children is way more expensive than I ever thought about it being. This may seem like a no-brainer to some. But I'm serious when I say I never gave it a thought. Good thing, I guess!! I always wanted a big family. This year with groceries going up like they have and gas prices being what they are, wow! We've come to the conclusion that we will never be able to fly to a vacation destination as a family. It's just too expensive. Maybe one day when we don't have so many at home! :) It's okay, they got to enjoy it when they were younger.

God sometimes takes us to a hard place and leaves us there for awhile. Our pastor here in Knoxville said this in a sermon awhile back, and it really stuck with me. As Americanized Christians, we expects to have our needs taken care of immediately. We're fine to learn a lesson, but when it take a bit too long we wonder where God is. We decide we must be having a "dry spell" in our spiritual walk. But sometimes we just have to sit and stay in our hard place! How can Jesus ever be our ALL IN ALL if we never need him to be??

and last but not least.....

My closest friends are invaluable. My college friends (from over 20 years ago) are still the friends that I text every. single. day. They know everything about me--maybe even more than Jon. They have helped me through every single situation since I've known them, and I've helped them the same. I also have some very close friends from Naples as well that I talk to on a regular (or pretty regular) basis. Some I've known for 12 years. Some I've known for 2. It doesn't matter. When Jesus brings you a true friend, embrace it. Now I also have good friends in Knoxville. True friendships. People who have listened to me, understood me, and loved me. I'm so thankful for all these friendships. As I said, they are invaluable.

So I go into 2013 not knowing what lies ahead, but I do know the One who holds the future in his hands. So I rest. Even though my house isn't any cleaner, my body is a few pounds heavier, my life is the same amount disorganized..... I rest. In Jesus. Because his grace is sufficient for me.

Disney Vacation

Disney VACATION????

I smirk as I write that because it's almost a laughable concept.....for a mom. Unless you and your husband are sneaking off to Disney sans kids (which, in my opinion, would be kind of mean and something for which you may never be forgiven) this is no vacation.

I had a good friend tell me long ago, "Moms don't get vacations--just changes of venue." This idea has helped me immensely over the years to just get over myself when taking trips with my kids. I don't look to these next 11 days (a week at Disney and then a few days in Naples) as a vacation. I think of them as a change of venue, and that makes all the difference.

You see, I'm not complaining or psyching myself out. I'm looking at reality. I will probably be working even harder as mom while at Disney World. I mean, young children who are sleeping in a strange place is enough to cause havoc at any time during the night. But add that to over stimulation, staying up way past bedtime, eating too much sugar, waiting in long lines, being around mobs of people, going from place to place at a 'much faster than usual' pace, being hot and tired, etc. and you get a recipe for disaster!! :)

So why go?? Why do we do this to ourselves as moms? I think we all know why.

All these things that make our life a little harder are sooooo worth the smiles when little ones see Mickey Mouse for the first time (I know I'm so excited about Cedar seeing his "Dickey Love" which is what he calls him.) And oh those little girls and their princesses--how their eyes light up at the sight of the castle.....the magic and the hope. And of course we can't forget that even the teenagers and tweens are just as excited about the roller coasters and excitement that is Disney.

There's nothing like it. I really do believe that it is "The Happiest Place on Earth."

One of my favorite pictures is from our last trip there....three years ago. It's a picture of Shepley, Cama-Jane and their cousin Lucy twirling with Belle. It's precious. The smiles on their faces are worth every ounce of effort it takes to get them all there and keep them happy!! :)

I love roller coasters. I love taking off with my big kids and riding the thrills and spills. Of course, I am thankful to have that luxury because my parents and brother and sister-in-law will be there as well. So while I'm on a few roller coasters, I'll be able to feel like this is a little bit of vacation. ;) But I have a two year old--my most active and challenging two year old yet! So I'm not sure who is going to be up for the challenge of hanging out with him much while I'm off riding the coasters!! Ha ha!!

Much preparation has gone into getting us ready for this trip. I made my list on Monday of everything that needed to be done this week before leaving in order to leave the house in some semblance of order. As I looked at all my checked off stuff last night (everything actually got done at some point in the week) I wondered how it could have all gotten done---and then unraveled again. Because the house doesn't really look like any semblance of order I had planned!! :) But clothes are packed and the car is cleaned out and I guess when it comes down to it, that's all that matters. The house will still be here when we return--messy as usual. But that's life with kids, I guess--especially six of them.

So soon I will head off on my "change of venue" with my six precious blessings and wonderful husband to meet up with my generous parents (who foot the bill) and my amazing brother, SIL, niece and nephews. Tomorrow we will pile in cars, strap in car seats, turn on DVD players, get out the games, pop out the ipods, and start the entertainment for the trip down. Snacks and sippy cups will abound. Excitement will be in the air as cousins and brothers and sisters will share all their plans for the next week at Disney.

And as much effort as it took to get to this point today and as much effort as it will take to get to where we need to be everyday for the next little bit, it will all be worth it!! It will be worth all the whining and fussing that will inevitably come. It will all be worth the tears that may show up. It will all be worth bad attitudes from teens and tweens who may not get exactly what they want. It will all be worth the patience that we must display as loving mothers and fathers. It will all be worth the late nights and middle of the night interruptions and early morning wake-up calls. Because we're going to.....

The Happiest Place on Earth!! 

And I wouldn't have it any other way!!

40 days of prayer for America

It's now 37 days until the election. Three days ago, the campaign "40 days of prayer for America" began. You can find them at this website or link to them on facebook at this site.

"If my people who are called by my name will humble themselves and pray and seek my face and turn from their wicked ways, then I will hear from heaven, and will forgive their sin and heal their land."                           ~2 Chronicles 7:14

This is the premise on which this campaign was started. The promise is very easy to see. The audience to which he is speaking is easy to see as well. So many times, those of use who consider ourselves "His children" point our fingers at the culture and say "They are the problem." But God isn't expecting anything from them! We are the ones accountable. We are the ones who have been given the truth and have rejected it by compromising, not speaking boldly in love, sitting back and enjoying our comfortable life. We haven't served like Jesus served. We haven't loved like Jesus loved. We haven't sacrificed like Jesus sacrificed. The Christian life isn't a call to Easy Street. Jesus says that we must deny ourselves and take up our cross daily and follow him. (Luke 9:23) That's not what most of us do.

This cuts deep. Believe me. I'm right there with everyone else--not denying myself or taking up my cross! It's gotten easy to spout off our theological knowledge, sound good in Bible study and "work real hard" to do the right things.

For decades now, Christians have sat back and let the culture disintegrate before their very eyes. We sit in our beautiful churches on our comfortable pews or in our Bible studies with desserts and coffee--talking theology about how we should be salt and light, what we can do to make a difference, and discuss WWJD??

All the while there are hurting people. People walking right outside our churches--afraid to darken the doors because of the judgement they've felt there. People who are physically hungry, with no place to call home. People who have real hurts and real troubles. Some of them are actually sitting right there in our pews and Bible studies. And we usually don't even take the time to notice--and we don't want to notice because it's messy. Real life is messy. Real life sucks sometimes. Real life is hard and sad and unlovely a lot of the time! That's why as Christians, we can look forward to the wonderful promise of life eternal with Jesus!!

But that's not what this post was supposed to be about. If we look inside of our hearts, we know that we have left our first love. We may come back to him now and again, but on a day to day basis, most of us don't remember what it's like to really be in love with Jesus. And that's our call--to love him with all of our heart, soul, mind and strength. If we aren't doing that everyday, then this verse is for us--to humble ourselves and pray, seek his face, turn from our wicked ways.....

When we do that, he makes a promise. And God always keeps his promises. He will hear us from heaven, forgive our sin and heal our land. Wow! Do we need that??? And look, it has nothing to do with the unbelievers!! There's no conditions about them. We don't need to change them or get them to live "right." We don't need to change their views on gay marriage or even abortion. We don't need them to think the same way about the economy or war that we do. We don't have to worry about any of that. We won't change our land through laws or a different Commander in Chief.

Only Jesus can heal our land.

And all we have to do is pray--repent, turn from our wicked ways. We need to return to our first love and live like he lived, serve like he served, sacrifice like he sacrificed. Why? To earn God's affection? To make ourselves good enough to deserve our land to be healed and our sins to be forgiven? NO! If that was the case, we'd be in sad shape for sure! God calls us into relationship with him. That's what he desires. He wants us to recognize our need for him. He knows that the only way we will have true joy is to love him first, to put all of our hope and trust in him alone because everyone and everything else will fail. He commands to be the ONLY God. He commands that we have NO other idols. We have a lot of idols in America. I'm pretty sure he was thinking of modern day America (as well as Israel) when we was directing the author to write this.

So no matter what your political preference--if you are a child of God, I'm sure you're concerned about the state of our country. These 40 days of prayer are nothing about a certain candidate or political party. They are a calling of the Christians in our nation to turn back to their first love. Please join me and thousands of other Christians around the country in praying specifically for these things over the next days until the election--and beyond!

I believe with all my heart that God set the leader of our country where he is. I believe just as firmly that he has planned and set the next president as well. Personally, I don't think I can change that with my prayers. I believe these prayers are for the hearts of God's children. All we can do is open our own hearts, repent of our own sin, and seek his face ourselves. He will handle the land. He will control the leadership. He uses Christians and non-Christians alike to fulfill his purpose. So I can rest in the sovereignty of my Lord. I will do my part and vote for the people that I think will be most likely to carry out and represent my beliefs and values. And that's all I can do besides pray. And pray I will.

I encourage you to do the same.....

Why am I here?

I haven't posted anything in awhile. Call it busyness. Call it lack of desire. Call it apathy. Call it what you want. There are a million reasons why. It hasn't been for lack of thoughts to put down, but basically lack of time. I shouldn't be doing this right now either. Thursdays are the only days I have to clean. I take my oldest four to co-op and come home for 3 1/2 hours to clean bathrooms, clean the kitchen, sweep, mop and vacuum the house--all with two little ones underfoot. But that's all I have time for. So that's basically all the cleaning that gets done each week. There, I admitted it.

So I have no time to be doing THIS! But today I just needed to do it. As I was cleaning up the kitchen I picked up the newsletter from our old church in Naples that we still get in the mail. I was leafing through, reading little snippets, and just noticed the schedule of children's stuff. Things the children are studying in Sunday School and on Wednesday night. Nothing big. Just curriculum.

And I cried.
My heart ached. And the questioned called to me.... WHAT AM I DOING HERE???

I hesitate to write this because I don't want to offend anyone in Knoxville. I don't want to make comparisons or say one place is better than the other. But, for our family, it seems one is better than the other--and I'm at the wrong one. (In my eyes, of course.)

Even in the middle of this gorgeous fall weather here in East Tennessee....my mind is wandering back to my life in Naples. Good gracious, what am I thinking??? I know what it feels like in Naples right now!! Oppressive heat, icky sticky humidity, and the knowledge that it's still going to be awhile before that changes!! Weather is a huge determining factor in my moods--and it's not the warm weather that makes me happy!

So why in the world am I feeling this way??? Why in the world do I think I'd rather wake up Sunday morning and walk in to Covenant Church of Naples? It's not that the preaching or teaching is better. It's not that the worship is better. It's not even that the people are nicer (well, maybe they are a little nicer to me because I know them!!) :)

What I read in the Covenant newsletter is what I spent years praying for. I spent years praying (and a also a whole lot of blood, sweat and tears....well, maybe not blood....) for a place where my children could grow, flourish, be nurtured and taught God's word by people who loved them. Yes, it's mine and Jon's job first--as parents--to teach them, to imprint God's truths on their little hearts. And we do try to do that. But I also believe that the church has a role in supporting parents and helping them by being the secondary source of that education. And I think that Covenant Church is really doing that--finally!! :) It's been a process, yes. It's been coming, and it was even happening before I left--which is what made it doubly hard to leave. But to see how it's really coming to fruition, to see my prayers being answered in so many ways, to know that those people who would be teaching my kids there really love them and have invested in their lives is heart wrenching.....when I'm here 830 miles away.

Like I said, I don't want to offend anyone. I know this is because I spent 11 years in Naples. I "grew up" there in certain senses. I know I've only been here 10 months. I realize that all of that has much to do with my feelings today. But the question remains....

What am I doing here?

Yes, I'm here because Jon's here. I followed my husband and have tried to make a home here. Yes, that's my job. But is that the only reason? I left a huge part of me in Naples. Not only did I leave my church but I left a great doula career. "You can be a doula anywhere" you might say. And you would be correct. But I haven't had time to establish that here. The only doula job I've had was back in February for my cousin's baby. Now, I was privileged to be there. It was a wonderful birth! But not one since. There's a huge doula presence here in Knoxville, which is great. But I just haven't been able to break into it. That was a huge part of what made me who I am. And as I was leaving there were some big opportunities opening up.... that I couldn't be a part of.

So what am I doing here?

I don't know. I can't answer that right now. But it's my journey. It's part of the desert place that I'm in right now. I'm a "do-er." I know that. Maybe it's bad. I don't know. You always hear it in a negative light. Like if I'm doing a lot, then I must not be a good enough Christian to just let God "do" what he wants in my life. So I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be doing anything. Maybe I"m just filling a void. Maybe that's not what I'm supposed to be doing....I don't know.

But I do know that right now what I should be DOING is cleaning bathrooms, and I have a 2 year old climbing all over me to make this reflection session impossible....so I'll quit right here.

Completely unresolved....

The Farmer's Market

One of the great things about being here is going downtown to the Farmer's Market every Saturday. We have to go pick up our milk there, and sometimes we make it a quick trip. But sometimes we spend a couple of hours, and it's always interesting. Took a few pictures this weekend so I thought I'd share our afternoon....

Liza-Hill wanted to wear Cedar in the Ergo. He's almost as big as her!

Cruze Farms--where we buy our raw milk. They serve breakfast and snacks and all sorts of milk products on Farmer's Market day!

Eating their ice cream from Cruze.

Cama-Jane so proud because she jumped over the stream (after about 10 minutes of deliberation--ha!) She is my cautious one for sure!!

These two ran in and out and jumped over every possible spot. Shepley was NOT going to let Breck out do her!

Strategizing about how to jump over a wide spot!

Ah! Such a cutie!

Always ready to pose.

Mmmmm, our raw milk. LOVE IT!!