I haven't posted anything in awhile. Call it busyness. Call it lack of desire. Call it apathy. Call it what you want. There are a million reasons why. It hasn't been for lack of thoughts to put down, but basically lack of time. I shouldn't be doing this right now either. Thursdays are the only days I have to clean. I take my oldest four to co-op and come home for 3 1/2 hours to clean bathrooms, clean the kitchen, sweep, mop and vacuum the house--all with two little ones underfoot. But that's all I have time for. So that's basically all the cleaning that gets done each week. There, I admitted it.
So I have no time to be doing THIS! But today I just needed to do it. As I was cleaning up the kitchen I picked up the newsletter from our old church in Naples that we still get in the mail. I was leafing through, reading little snippets, and just noticed the schedule of children's stuff. Things the children are studying in Sunday School and on Wednesday night. Nothing big. Just curriculum.
And I cried.
My heart ached. And the questioned called to me.... WHAT AM I DOING HERE???
I hesitate to write this because I don't want to offend anyone in Knoxville. I don't want to make comparisons or say one place is better than the other. But, for our family, it seems one is better than the other--and I'm at the wrong one. (In my eyes, of course.)
Even in the middle of this gorgeous fall weather here in East Tennessee....my mind is wandering back to my life in Naples. Good gracious, what am I thinking??? I know what it feels like in Naples right now!! Oppressive heat, icky sticky humidity, and the knowledge that it's still going to be awhile before that changes!! Weather is a huge determining factor in my moods--and it's not the warm weather that makes me happy!
So why in the world am I feeling this way??? Why in the world do I think I'd rather wake up Sunday morning and walk in to Covenant Church of Naples? It's not that the preaching or teaching is better. It's not that the worship is better. It's not even that the people are nicer (well, maybe they are a little nicer to me because I know them!!) :)
What I read in the Covenant newsletter is what I spent years praying for. I spent years praying (and a also a whole lot of blood, sweat and tears....well, maybe not blood....) for a place where my children could grow, flourish, be nurtured and taught God's word by people who loved them. Yes, it's mine and Jon's job first--as parents--to teach them, to imprint God's truths on their little hearts. And we do try to do that. But I also believe that the church has a role in supporting parents and helping them by being the secondary source of that education. And I think that Covenant Church is really doing that--finally!! :) It's been a process, yes. It's been coming, and it was even happening before I left--which is what made it doubly hard to leave. But to see how it's really coming to fruition, to see my prayers being answered in so many ways, to know that those people who would be teaching my kids there really love them and have invested in their lives is heart wrenching.....when I'm here 830 miles away.
Like I said, I don't want to offend anyone. I know this is because I spent 11 years in Naples. I "grew up" there in certain senses. I know I've only been here 10 months. I realize that all of that has much to do with my feelings today. But the question remains....
What am I doing here?
Yes, I'm here because Jon's here. I followed my husband and have tried to make a home here. Yes, that's my job. But is that the only reason? I left a huge part of me in Naples. Not only did I leave my church but I left a great doula career. "You can be a doula anywhere" you might say. And you would be correct. But I haven't had time to establish that here. The only doula job I've had was back in February for my cousin's baby. Now, I was privileged to be there. It was a wonderful birth! But not one since. There's a huge doula presence here in Knoxville, which is great. But I just haven't been able to break into it. That was a huge part of what made me who I am. And as I was leaving there were some big opportunities opening up.... that I couldn't be a part of.
So what am I doing here?
I don't know. I can't answer that right now. But it's my journey. It's part of the desert place that I'm in right now. I'm a "do-er." I know that. Maybe it's bad. I don't know. You always hear it in a negative light. Like if I'm doing a lot, then I must not be a good enough Christian to just let God "do" what he wants in my life. So I don't know. Maybe I shouldn't be doing anything. Maybe I"m just filling a void. Maybe that's not what I'm supposed to be doing....I don't know.
But I do know that right now what I should be DOING is cleaning bathrooms, and I have a 2 year old climbing all over me to make this reflection session impossible....so I'll quit right here.
Completely unresolved....
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