Mommy Guilt--let's give it up!

I guess my last post struck a chord with lots of moms. I've had so many moms private message me to let me know their struggles and how my "confessions" encouraged them in their daily walks as mothers.

This has just solidified what we all know already. Moms are filled with GUILT! It's really so sad. I think this guilt has been even more built up in the last few years with the invention of the "Mom blogs" telling us how they (so it would seem) have it all together. It certainly leaves the rest of us feeling less than adequate in our mothering. Facebook certainly doesn't help either. Most people only post about the great things they've done as mothers--the fun crafts, the clean rooms, the inspirational happenings at home. Not too often do we want to post that we just totally yelled at our kid and made them cry. Um, no thank you. I'll just chalk that one up to the ones I keep to myself! (I'm just as guilty of this myself sometimes so I'm not pointing fingers!)

But "Mommy guilt" has been around since the beginning of time. It didn't take the internet to make it happen. I would be willing to be that when Cain killed Able, Eve blamed herself. I can just imagine that her conversation with herself went something like this:

"Oh if I had only taught Cain to love his brother better, this wouldn't have happened. If I had shared more of my story with him--helped him really understand what pride and self love can do, this wouldn't have happened. Maybe I gave Able more attention? Maybe I expected too much of Cain since he was the oldest? Maybe if I had spent less time helping Adam with the weeds (which were of course my fault as well).....Oh what could I have done differently to change this outcome?" 

Now we know how silly that is. The Bible clearly holds Cain responsible for his actions, but isn't this what we do all the time?  Every wrong decision our child makes, every sinful action, every act of defiance toward God we take on ourselves.

Yes, we've been instructed to teach our children to "love the Lord with all their heart, soul, and strength."  We have been instructed to "Impress [these things] on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. ⁸ Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. ⁹ Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates." (Deut. 6:5,7-9) So, yeah, we've got stuff to do, right? We do play an active role in teaching our children about loving the Lord. If we don't, there aren't too many who will. And if they don't see it lived out at home, it won't make much difference who teaches it to them.

This is where the guilt comes in. We know we fail miserably at doing this!! Oh, when that first little bundle of joy comes along, some of us (maybe not all) were totally thinking we were going to get this right! We knew the way we were supposed to "train up a child" and we were committed to doing it. It probably didn't take most of us long to see that we didn't have any idea what we were doing! The parenting books didn't talk at all about what our child was doing, and our child was not responding the way the parenting books said they should! Teaching them to love the Lord? Oh man, we just wanted to teach them not hit their friends, throw a tantrum, spit at their teacher....whatever it was. We quickly saw that our children had hearts full of sin--just like us. 

You know, I really HATE the saying, "God never gives you more than you can handle." I think this is so untrue! God always gives us more than we can handle. If we only had what we could handle, why would we ever turn to him? He gives us exactly what it's going to take for us to realize that we can't handle life and run into his open, loving arms. Parenting does this for most of us--more often than not. Being responsible for a life (or two or three....) is hard stuff. Teaching them Bible truths, when sometimes our lives look far from what we are supposed to be modeling, is even harder stuff! We've got experts all over the place telling us a hundred different things to do. We do what we think is right for our child, and we still seem to fail. Yeah, it sucks sometimes! We can't handle it so we run to the only place of real refuge--Jesus' arms. And he says, "Yes, my child. You messed up. But my grace is sufficient for you. I will cover your mess ups. I love your children more than you could ever know how to love. I know their future and their deepest needs. I know them (and you) inside and out, and I am the only perfect parent. Let me take this burden from you. It's too heavy for you to handle." And so we rest. We rest until we decide to take up the reins once again because we think we can do it in our own strength, and the battle starts again.

If we would only learn. If we would only truly believe that "his power is made perfect in our weakness." (2 Cor. 12:9) If we would really boast in our weakness so that Christ's power could show through us, how much more encouraging could we be to others? When we see other moms who are struggling, we identify. When we see other moms who seem to have it all together, we shy away. We step back because we could never do it like her!

Jesus was gracious enough with me to show me with my first child that I did not know anything about this parenting stuff! Oh, that child has humbled me over and over and still continues to! He has been the single greatest source of sanctification in my life over the years. I'm so thankful that God didn't give me too long to wallow in self pride over having the perfect child! That was never allowed in my house! :) 

As for the guilt--we've got to drop it. We all know we're doing what we can with the knowledge we have and the children God gave us. We're all in different places on different journeys, but we share at least one common thing--motherhood. It's the greatest earthly calling each of us could have. But Jesus says give it to him! He has done it. It is finished. Our parenting failures are covered by his grace. Our screw ups and mess ups and ugliness are all covered. Jesus didn't die for us to continue wallowing in our sin and misery. Sister, give it up! Give it up to him! No guilt!! NO GUILT!! (I'm preaching to myself here as well, just so you know!)

I love moms! I do. I love young moms, old moms, moms to be, spiritual moms, and anyone else who falls into the category. My heart goes out for moms who carry the burden that they have to do it all. If this is you, please know that you don't! No one is expecting you to. And if they are, stay far away from that person. Claim your righteousness through Christ alone! You stand before the throne washed and clean and the perfect parent because God only sees Jesus when he looks at you if you've put your trust in him. 

So let's forge ahead. Let's start encouraging one another through our struggles. Let's start admitting when we are weak! Find a mom today and tell her how awesome she is just because she got up and loved her children this morning! And start loving yourself a little better because of the same reason! :)

Convictions

So if you read my post earlier this week, you know that I'm going through some "stuff" right now. It's not even something that I really know how to put into words. But after reading in King's Cross by Tim Keller this week that Jesus is both the "rest" and the "storm" juxtaposed, it made perfect sense in my life. He is definitely bringing the storm and starting to show me some of the reasons for that, but he also my perfect rest--the only place I will get rest.

After much prayer, talking with friends and soul searching, I felt the Holy Spirit yesterday really leading me to some places. The first place was my own selfishness. Surprise, surprise! I have been convicted over the last couple of weeks that I'm not nearly as self sacrificing with my youngest children as I was with my older ones at this age. Just because I've been doing this for 16 years is no excuse for giving up now! My little ones certainly can't help it that they were born in this birth order. I'm usually pretty patient with Cedar. It's my little girls that I get frustrated with.

And so it was on Sunday. I'm just going to be brutally honest here and hope that it helps someone!! I'm sick of reading blogs and feeling guilty about not being the moms and wives that they are. So I'm really hoping that someone will take read mine and go, "Hey, I'm not nearly as bad as her!" :)  So Sunday.....

You see in church, my 5 and 8 year old little girls always have to sit on either side of me before they leave for Children's Church. I used to NEVER send my kids to Children's Church past age 5, but Shepley changed all of that for me. I'm not nearly as self righteous as I used to be about that! ;) But my girls are not content just to sit beside me. Cama-Jane especially needs my attention constantly. She's loud and disruptive and, if truth be told, embarrasses me totally during church. (I know, I know. I'm wrong. Told you that you would feel good about yourself!) So Sunday we were singing some songs that I REALLY love and really needed to sing and worship. Cama-Jane just wouldn't leave me alone. So there I was, feeling all frustrated because I couldn't worship--yet again--the way I wanted. For years it's been this way. So Sunday I couldn't sing at all because my heart was so NOT in the right place. So I left. I left for many reasons but the main one being self-pity for sure.

I'm telling you, it's not pretty, people. Looking at my yucky, sinful, selfish heart. It's not pretty. Here I was blaming my hurt on my 5 year old. So all of y'all who think I'm a good mom, you'll have to go find another supermom to look at! Because you just lost this one! :)

For a few days I pondered this. I pondered my feelings of loneliness (that I do think are valid, but still lie in self pity) and I prayed. So yesterday the Holy Spirit showed me, oh so lovingly, that maybe my child was acting out of a need for time with me. That's hard to admit. Because that's what I do. I am with my kids all the time. But looking down deep, do I resent that? Do I resent that she is sometimes hard to take because she demands so much of me?

She is scared ALL THE TIME. She has always had this heart of fearfulness. I used to be very moved by this. I prayed for her all the time. I prayed with her. But as time has gone on, it has worn on me. She needs me to go to the bathroom with her every.single.time. She's 5 1/2 years old. I have six children. That is is tough thing. She's scared to go by herself. Is she manipulating me? I don't know. I really haven't known what to do. I do know that she has wet her pants (and the couch) before because I wasn't around to go with her. So there's got to be something there. She can't go up the stairs by herself either. I have to go with her if no one is up there. So lately, I think I've been resentful of how much time I spend doing things with her that seem ridiculous.

I have told Jon that if someone could be "loved to death" I would be dead--from Cama-Jane's love. She just can't get enough of me. She wants ME to put her to bed, read her books, etc. etc. every night. She never wants Jon to do it. She wants me every second of every day. So Sunday, I guess I just snapped.

But as I said, the Holy Spirit started working on my heart yesterday. He moved me toward her in a way I hadn't felt in awhile. After lunch, I went and sat with her on the couch where she was watching TV and I wrapped her up in my arms. She of course, joyfully succumbed to me and was in heaven just sitting with me. After her show was over, we turned off the TV, read books, sang songs and laughed together. I read her books before bed last night with a better attitude than I have in a long time. Today when I did her school work with her, I was much more intentional. I made time for more reading (which she is loving) and added a new book with her--just for her.

I've also felt very convicted of using a harsh tone with her. She seems to have a snapping tone towards everyone else. Hmmm, wonder where she gets that? So that's changing with me as well.

Jesus has turned my heart back towards my sweet Cama-Jane. Oh how I love that child! She has the sweetest heart. She's so quick to forgive. She loves her little brother so much. She encourages him in all that he does. She's an eager learner and wants to please.

So I don't know what God will dig out of me next. I'm sure it won't be pretty either!! But I'm so thankful that he can restore relationships and bind hearts together once more. I'm looking forward to better relationships with all my children in days to come. Hopefully they will see God getting the selfishness of this mama out of the way to clear the path of true and right relationships with them!!

Worn

I heard a song on the radio for the first time (that I noticed anyway) about a week ago. I was driving to the gym one night because it was the only way I could escape what was going on at my house--LIFE! I kind of forgot about it until today. 

Today, when I started sobbing in church again for about the 4th straight Sunday, I left. I left before the sermon and even before most of the liturgy or anything else. I went to my car (which was three blocks away of course) and sat and cried. After awhile I turned on the radio. Before long, this song came on again. Wow. It speaks to me.

I'm lonely. I'm tired. I'm worn. I feel that more on Sunday than any other day. I'm sure it's the enemy. But it's real all the same. I know where the answer is, and this song is so perfect because it speaks to the part of me that just says I can't even do that right now. Just being real here.

This is by Tenth Avenue North, and it's perfect for my life right now. (Bold and italics added by me.)

"Worn"

I’m Tired I’m worn
My heart is heavy
From the work it takes
To keep on breathing
I’ve made mistakes
I’ve let my hope fail
My soul feels crushed
By the weight of this world

And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

I know I need to lift my eyes up
But I'm too weak
Life just won’t let up
And I know that you can give me rest
So I cry out with all that I have left

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause I’m worn

My prayers are wearing thin
Yeah, I’m worn
Even before the day begins
Yeah, I’m worn
I’ve lost my will to fight
I’m worn
So, heaven come and flood my eyes

Let me see redemption win
Let me know the struggle ends
That you can mend a heart
That’s frail and torn
I wanna know a song can rise
From the ashes of a broken life
And all that’s dead inside can be reborn
Cause all that’s dead inside will be reborn

Though I’m worn
Yeah I’m worn

Renewed passions

I started on my journey towards "all things natural" about 12 years ago when I first started researching home birth, water births, and things of the sort. That journey let me to have a home birth almost 10 years ago and then shortly after to chiropractic care. Through friends, acquaintances, the internet and other resources, I've hungrily taken in every bit of information I can get to learn more--some times of my life lending more easily to obtaining information than other times.

I've always been interested in essential oils and thought they had great healing properties. As you know, I love being able to take control of my own family's health. I love being proactive, and when sickness does creep in, I love having the knowledge of what to use to comfort them and help aid in their  healing. I do visit a medical doctor occasionally and may even get the prescribed antibiotics or whatever it is. I do this reservedly, knowing that the overuse of antibiotics is what has created all of these "superbugs" that take stronger and stronger antibiotics to get rid of. There are other things that have contributed as well, but I'm not going into those today!

I've used essential oils sparingly throughout the years. Gathering bits of information here and there, my favorites, as many know, have been peppermint, eucalyptus and lavender. I've used these for many things and have also used other oils like orange, ylang ylang, sage, rosemary, oregano, geranium and others. We use them for respiratory issues, calm and peace, anti viral and anti bacterial, stimulating contractions during labor, and even for getting rid of ticks on pets!! But recently, a friend has introduced me to a whole new world of essential oils. She sells doTERRA and has given me a couple of books. I was really interested in these oils because they are Certified Pure Therapeutic Grade (CPTG) and the plants are grown in their own natural environments.

I started using the On Guard when my friend gave a bottle back in October when I was in Naples. I was diffusing it throughout our living space, and not only did it make the house smell great, I really believe it protected us from all the flu that was going around in Knoxville. Everyone that we knew had gotten sick, and we had been around them. Then, of course, we went off for Christmas and didn't have our oils, and we all got sick!! :) Ha ha!!  But I ran out of the On Guard and wanted to get more. Lindsey thought that I should become a rep just so that I could buy my own stuff at wholesale.

While figuring out what I wanted to do and then deciding to go ahead and become a rep and then waiting on my shipment to come, my youngest was exposed to rotavirus somewhere and became ill this past Monday. Now, this is self diagnosing. I didn't take him anywhere. But he had all the symptoms. My 5 year old came down with it on Wednesday and then my 8 year old started throwing up last night. Oh the joy! But I was so excited when my oils came yesterday!!!

[disclaimer: I may get a bit descriptive here to be able to tell you what the oils did for me!!]

So Cedar threw up all day Monday and ran a low grade fever. Tuesday he seemed okay but was very tired and took a nap--which is sooooo not like him. Wednesday he started having major diarrhea (Which is when a friend suggested maybe rotavirus. I looked it up and it sure looked like it!) Without going into too much detail, at one point I had to change four diapers in 20 minutes. He couldn't keep anything in his tummy. It was like that all day Wednesday and Thursday until I got my oils. The oils came about 2 pm. I immediately rubbed some DigestZen (one of their blends that I had been waiting for) on his tummy and dabbed some frankincense on his feet. He hasn't had one bad diaper since. That is no lie or exaggeration! I was pumped. I also put some of both on Cama-Jane and Shepley. So far, Cama-Jane hasn't had any diarrhea. We'll see.

I also had Jon rub some of their DeepBlue on my back and shoulders last night for muscle aches. It definitely helped the soreness, but this morning I can tell that there is just something pinched or out in my back. A visit to the chiropractor is in order! It started this week so it must be from the rise in Cedar's need to be in my arms.

I'm so excited to learn more and use more oils! In listening to some of the information about them, I learned that oils (which are made out of plants--just like herbs) are 70% more effective in healing than herbs. I've used herbal remedies for years. And they do work--but yes, you have do be vigilant to do it a lot! Essential oils are so much more potent that it doesn't take much. And for the skeptics, there is even scientific research that says that essential oils DO work!! And from just what I've seen so far, there is definitely a difference in the potency between CPTG oils and off the shelf oils. I'm not knocking "off the shelf." I used them for years!! I just do think that the other is way more potent. I was seeing where it just said "use one or two drops." And I was thinking *one or two drops? that's nothing!* But after just seeing them work over the last day or so, I'm seeing how one or two drops is really all it takes. So they are much more cost effective in the end.

Not trying to make a sell or anything. I just like to share what I know because I know there are so many others out there beginning their journey or somewhere in the middle like I've been before. We can all learn from each other. And I love arming other moms with information to help them feel more able to care for their families in the ways that they choose.

2012 in Reflection

Happy New Year!!     2013???    Crazy!!!

As I think about my 2012 year, I think with all honesty it has been the hardest year of my life.

SO. MANY. CHANGES.

When Jon announced in September of 2011 that we would be moving to Knoxville, TN (and that he would be going in two weeks!) it was kind of a whirlwind. I found out that we were going for sure around September 3, and I was moved out of our beloved Naples home and staying in GA with my parents by October 20. Having been without my husband for about 6 weeks, our whole family moved into a cabin in Pigeon Forge, TN for about 3 weeks on Nov. 1 where we stayed until we closed on our new home in Knoxville.

During that time we drove to Chicago (well, I drove with kids, Jon flew because of work.... still a little bitter about that one :)) for his grandmother's funeral. We also drove down to Winder, GA for Thanksgiving. After that we finally started to get settled into our new home, find a church, had two sets of grandparents visit, find our way around, etc. So we decided to spend Christmas at home, away from family, for the first time EVER! That was hard, but it was needed rest! So there wasn't a whole lot of time to think about being sad or regrets or anything really.

So in January of 2012 when the dust began to settle and we were searching for some sort of normalcy, the reality hit me like the proverbial "ton of bricks." This place called Naples, FL from where I had been desperately trying to escape since the day I moved there in August of 2000, had become Home somewhere along the way. Who knew? Certainly not me. I had always hated the weather there (at least 8 months out of the year) and that was no secret to anyone who knew me! I didn't think the thousands of snowbirds who descended there every October to January and stayed thru April were (on the whole)  all that nice nor did they seem very "kid-friendly." It was hard to live in a place where the average age is 65. Now, that's actually down from years before, and the younger population is growing; but it still is what it is! I had longed for seasons, for reasons to buy cute winter clothes, to wear boots and scarves, for the colors of fall and maybe even a few snowflakes (at least have the possibility of it!) Truth be told, I had longed to be back in the South--where the tea is sweet, the people are sweeter and words are stretched out long and slow. I grew up in GA, and I had missed the Southern hospitality, Southern style, Southern atmosphere. I had missed monogrammed bath towels and monogrammed kids' clothes. I had missed so much about my beloved South.

So why wasn't I thrilled to be right smack in the middle of it all? Our family had begun to take frequent trips over to the Smokies to hike. That was a great thing!! We found a church that preached the Word of God, and we were really enjoying the worship. That was a great thing!! We were living in a neighborhood with a few kids around (which our kids had never had) and they were NICE kids. That was a great thing!! I had joined a Bible study at church and was beginning to develop some friendships. That was a great thing!! So many great things..... people were friendly, accents were even better than I remembered :), mountains were close, we were enjoying our first winter in years, monogrammed items abounded!! I even indulged in a glass of real sweet tea a couple of times!! What more could I want?

I'd like to share a few things with you that I've learned this year. No particular order really. Some serious, some not so serious. Just things that have been floating around in my head lately. Maybe one of these things will be encouraging to you.

The first thing I've learned (or rather, relearned....) is God always meets me where I am. The story of Jesus' birth shows us this clearly. He came, leaving perfect love, perfect fellowship, perfect glory, wrapped in human flesh to enter a sinful and ugly world to meet us where we were. Why would I ever think any differently of Him now? He's always there....wherever I am. In the heights of excitement, He's there. In the depths of sadness, He's there. In the midst of apathy, He's there. In the mundaneness of everyday life, changing diapers, cleaning bathrooms, cooking supper, my good days and bad ones....He's there as well. He's there in the way of a verse that pops into my head. He's there in the way of a friend with an encouraging word. He's there in a phone call with a much needed familiar voice on the other end. He's there in a husband who tries to hide his own stress and sympathize with me about mine. He's there in an unexpected hug or kiss from one of the kids. He's there in family members who try to do what they can to make this transition easier. He's there in His Word. He speaks to me and meets me where I am to continue to make me into who he has planned for me to be.

Moving was not as easy as I thought it would be! Seriously, I thought it would be no big deal. I like change. I'm adaptable. I can get along with most people. I like adventure. And I had my family. What more could I need? Oh I was wrong. Moving eight people 14 hours away with no family and no friends was the hardest thing I've ever done in my life. What made it even harder was having a husband in a new position at a new hospital who had to work all the time. It was me that was in Naples when the packers/movers came (yes, I know how fortunate I am to have that done for me!!) Jon flew into Naples just in time to load us all in the car and drive out of town an hour later. It was me that was there the day that they unloaded all the stuff once again at our home in Knoxville. (And did I mention I had never even seen the house that Jon found and bought before I moved up here?) My hard working husband couldn't make it work to take any time off. You should have seen the movers faces when I told them it was just them and me....and six kids. But even after all the logistics were taken care of, it has just been HARD! I've found that moving to Naples in 2000 with one 3 year old was very easy. It was easy to pick up and go to the park with new friends; it was easy to go out to lunch, go to MOPS, find time to develop relationships. Moving while homeschooling 4 kids along with a pre schooler and an 18 month old....not quite as easy.

Sleep is overrated. I've always felt like I needed my sleep. Tell that to a toddler who has slept in 11 different places over the span of 3 weeks. Yep. I figured it out once during our transition of moving here. For the first two months he woke up 3, 4, 5 times a night. Then there were the little girls who needed night time snuggles as well. Cedar didn't sleep through the night again until May when he was almost two. The girls continue their need for nighttime snuggles at least 5 times a week!    

Never take family for granted. In Naples we lived in the same town as Jon's parents and brother and his wife. We tried to have pretty regular dinners together and time to spend. I tried not to use them too much for babysitting or anything, but if I was in a real bind, I could call. Jon's dad especially would just call out of the blue to ask what he could do to make my life easier that day. Sometimes I think about how nice that would be again. I miss them!

A good church family is just as important as the blood kind. But oh man, does it make it even harder to leave then!! Seriously, the absolute hardest part about leaving. It's so hard to go back. The people just know me. They know my kids. It's home. It's hard.

I don't want to be anyone's life coach. I don't want to tell anyone else how to live. I know many of you might smirk at this because I have more than my share of opinions about A LOT of things!! :) And when asked, I will tell you those opinions. And, yes, sometimes I post these opinions on my FB profile, but I don't make you read them. Just like for people to be informed that there are options out there that differ from the mainstream. That's all!

Pinterest is evil. Yes, I believe it. It's of the devil. It makes women all over feel inferior and underachieving. And for those of you out there who love it--good for you! But it makes me feel like a failure so I hate it.

Nothing could ever hurt me as badly as someone hurting my child. 'Nuff said.

Relationships take time. But the ones that you take the time to develop are the ones that last.

A good friend tells it to you straight but nicely. They don't sit by and watch you screw up (or screw up your kid) but they are willing to be used by Jesus to tell you the truth--even if it's not easy.

Homeschooling really was the right choice for us. Maybe you wonder why I put this on here as something I learned this year. Well, maybe it was just confirmed. Jon and I questioned it a lot this year--especially about our oldest. Did we do the right thing? Would he be more comfortable in new situations if he had been in school? Would he have better study habits? Would he be better at making new friends? (He's really struggled with this being here in Knoxville.) On and on..... We really questioned our decision. But we knew we couldn't go back and change it so what was the use in thinking about it. But over the last month or so God has shown me that, yes, it was the right decision. I can't point to one specific thing or reason. But he has shown me that even if maybe all of those other things had happened and been true (if he had been in school) I have no idea knowing what else might be true about him as well. I have no way of knowing what might have been so I only need to trust in what I know.... we followed God's leading to homeschool our children and He's working that out for our (and our kids') good as well!

I really do love birth, babies, mamas, and all that. I have missed it so much this year. I haven't had the opportunity to get into the birth world of Knoxville like I would have wanted to. It took much more than I thought to settle our family in here so I've missed out. That's okay, but I have a couple of prospects in the works that look good. Can't wait to get back to it!!

Going to the gym doesn't mean you'll lose weight. Oh yes. I joined a gym for the first time in 17 years. I worked out faithfully for six weeks. I gained 4 freaking pounds. (And don't tell me it was muscle. It wasn't. It was all in my stomach!) Because you see, when I work out--I crave CARBS!!! And carbs are baaaaaad for me!!! So I stopped working out, and I lost all 4 pounds again. Of course, then came the holidays......and yes, I'm starting the New Year about 5 pounds upward of where I want to be. But that's okay because January is here. Now it's all about self control. :)

I am no longer a "young" mom. I never thought it would happen. When I became a mother at 23 years old, I was ALWAYS the youngest. ALWAYS. There were so many older moms in Naples with young children that it seemed to perpetuate my youth. But moving here has shown me I'm not who I once was. I'm getting old.

I'm too old to have a 2 year old. Oh yes, it's true. He's about worn me out. As much as I love him, he's faster, quicker and stronger than me already!!

I'm done having biological children. Shocker, I know. *See above comment*

I'd really like to adopt again. This is a prayer of my heart. I'd love to adopt an older child. Jon's heart is not exactly there yet because he's thinking about the financial aspect of it. I don't think with my brain. I think with my heart. But I'm content to wait and see what Jesus has for us.

Having six children is way more expensive than I ever thought about it being. This may seem like a no-brainer to some. But I'm serious when I say I never gave it a thought. Good thing, I guess!! I always wanted a big family. This year with groceries going up like they have and gas prices being what they are, wow! We've come to the conclusion that we will never be able to fly to a vacation destination as a family. It's just too expensive. Maybe one day when we don't have so many at home! :) It's okay, they got to enjoy it when they were younger.

God sometimes takes us to a hard place and leaves us there for awhile. Our pastor here in Knoxville said this in a sermon awhile back, and it really stuck with me. As Americanized Christians, we expects to have our needs taken care of immediately. We're fine to learn a lesson, but when it take a bit too long we wonder where God is. We decide we must be having a "dry spell" in our spiritual walk. But sometimes we just have to sit and stay in our hard place! How can Jesus ever be our ALL IN ALL if we never need him to be??

and last but not least.....

My closest friends are invaluable. My college friends (from over 20 years ago) are still the friends that I text every. single. day. They know everything about me--maybe even more than Jon. They have helped me through every single situation since I've known them, and I've helped them the same. I also have some very close friends from Naples as well that I talk to on a regular (or pretty regular) basis. Some I've known for 12 years. Some I've known for 2. It doesn't matter. When Jesus brings you a true friend, embrace it. Now I also have good friends in Knoxville. True friendships. People who have listened to me, understood me, and loved me. I'm so thankful for all these friendships. As I said, they are invaluable.

So I go into 2013 not knowing what lies ahead, but I do know the One who holds the future in his hands. So I rest. Even though my house isn't any cleaner, my body is a few pounds heavier, my life is the same amount disorganized..... I rest. In Jesus. Because his grace is sufficient for me.