40 days of Lent

Our family has never observed lent. This is a new one for us. To tell you the truth, my husband and I both thought it was more of a "Catholic" thing. Neither of us grew up in churches that said much about it. But the church we are in now follows the church calendar pretty closely. We went to our first Ash Wednesday service last week, and our whole family got ashes on our forehead. That made more of an impression on some than others. It actually made a huge impression on my 4 and 7 year olds. They've talked about it alot and it's brought on great discussion.

So since we're observing lent this year, I figured I should give something up. Isn't that what it's all about anyway? Sacrifice? Well, God had been working on my heart to give up Facebook for awhile. I couldn't really see giving up food. For me, that wouldn't have worked as the sacrifice that I needed to make--unless I gave up ALL food for 40 days he did. Yeah, I'm not ready for that yet!!

My kids have chosen to give up certain things as well. I'm most impressed with Shepley's sacrifice. After thinking for a couple of days, she decided to give up "art" (which translates into any coloring, drawing, painting, etc.) This is a huge part of her life, and when she first told me I almost said, "No, I don't think you need to do that." But the Holy Spirit help my tongue. I really think the Spirit was moving in her to lead her to this. She has struggled. She has been vocal with me about her desire to do it, but she wants to keep her promise to God. A couple of days ago, she came to me and said, "Mommy, I forgot! I forgot about lent and I colored something." She was heartbroken that she had broken her promise to God. Wow!! It gave me an opportunity to talk with her and tell her that that is what lent is all about. It's to show us that we CAN'T keep our promises to God!! We're incapable of just having a strong enough will to do it. It's about the fact that Jesus DID do it all. He kept his promises perfectly so that God sees us as perfect through him. I told her that the fact that she was so heartbroken and upset about breaking her promise was exactly what God wanted to see!! He wants a broken and contrite heart! What an example she was to me. I pray that her heart always stays that soft and desirous to live for him!

So for me, Facebook has been tough. I've been tempted to get on to see a picture or something. I also considered getting on long enough to just post this post on my blog. But I decided to do that after lent is over. I think it's been mostly tough because of being so far away from so many people that I love. It's my lifeline sometimes. I sat in church yesterday and cried and cried. Jon wasn't with me because Cedar had been sick, and he was home with him. I hadn't been able to go in a month so Jon let me go instead!! I sat in church and cried because I felt displaced. I felt like I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong in Naples anymore, but I don't yet feel like I belong here either. I think our church is doing great things here, but I'm not really sure that I belong there. I've never felt more lonely than I did yesterday sitting in church. Oh, it's not the church's fault. I'm not saying that. My 8 year old was totally acting up--really unlike him when he's with me. That brought on some of it. Just feeling the stares and judgements of the people behind me. If you have kids, you know how it is!! But at this church they don't just "shake hands" and say "Hello" at a certain point in the service. They celebrate community together. They laugh and talk and visit for a good five minutes or so. I've looked at that and loved that they do it. But it's hard when you don't feel a part of it. Part of me feels like I just haven't had the time to put into it what I need it.

But all of that to say that I started wondering if yesterday it hit me so hard because I haven't been on Facebook in five days. I haven't had my lifeline. Maybe that is what lent is all about. God wants us to give up our earthly lifelines and cling only to him. He showed me this clearly yesterday as tears were streaming down my face as we went up to take communion. He ministered to my soul--but I can't say I left there feeling whole. No, I think he probably has a lot more work to do. I'm not sure that I'm ready for it--but I'm willing. I can say with all my heart that I WANT him to be my only lifeline. Getting there is a whole other story.

I wish I could say that I came home and was able to spend all afternoon soaking in his word and he taught me all I needed!! :) No, I came home and cooked lunch, cleaned up lunch, put a baby to bed, tried to unpack more in my room, got a baby up after 30 minutes because the 4 year old had screamed in the house and woken him up, took three little ones to the park, made supper, read books, played a little here and there, and then.....another night was upon me where I wanted to just fall into bed but was reminded by my 8 and 9 year old that I needed to read more of our current read aloud before they went to bed.

So I'm praying (once again) for more diligence--to be wise with my time--to have the strength to rise up earlier than the baby at 6:30 (after being up once at night nursing him and up with the 4 and 7 year old figuring out their sleeping arrangements in their bed, in our bed, on our floor, back in our bed)...... Don't judge me here, please. I need more time to hang on to Jesus as my lifeline--up close and personal.

And back to that 8 year old acting up in church yesterday....I have no doubt it was his emotions about being here that were coming through. I talked with him about it yesterday afternoon, and he just broke down. He had just said to me that morning, "I don't like this new church" and "I hate Tennessee" and "I just want to go back to Naples." So I knew things were going to surface. And they did. Just at a very inopportune time! (Don't they always.)

But more about that little guy in another post. I need to get back to taking care of things around here.

Back to blogging

Well, it's been awhile! I have sat down a few times to write, but I just haven't had the inspiration. We've been in Knoxville now since November 14, and can I just say that it's been hard for me! I guess it's been hard because I didn't expect it to be. I'm a pretty free spirit--upbeat, positive, low stress, adaptable. I should have been fine, right? Man, I didn't realize how hard it would be--being in transition for a month before finally moving into our house, unpacking and trying to home school kids at the same time, trying to live "normal" life with six kids in the midst of chaos, months of very little sleep because of kids just not being able to get into a normal sleep pattern, having a very clingy four year old just about put me over the edge, pulling up roots of 11 years and all of our kids' memories and replanting those somewhere 14 hours away where they knew no one, finding new friends, and the biggest one--leaving our amazing church with such amazing people where God is doing amazing things and finding a new one!! Now, I'm not saying that God isn't doing amazing things here. I know that the mission of the church that we have been attending is a great one. I believe they are right on track with where God wants them to be. It's just different from where we've been. Different is hard sometimes.

I keep feeling like I want to get involved in things here--homeschooling things, the birth world (doula stuff), etc. but I just keep feeling like I've got too much still to do at home. The house is never clean enough. There are never enough groceries. Someone ALWAYS needs to be fed. Another box always needs to be unpacked. Another room always needs cleaning up. There's always something else that takes precedence before getting involved. I've heard about some homeschooling groups but we decided not to join a co-op in January for the remainder of the year. So I just continue to put things on hold. I did get a call out of the blue today from another doula here in Knoxville. I just changed my contact information on the DONA (doulas of north america) website, and I guess she noticed a new name. I was very excited to talk to her. It seems that the doula here are pretty involved together. I'd love to be a part of that! So that's something!

One thing that has been good that's come from the move is my kids' relationships with each other. Yes, they still have arguments and maybe even a little more because they are together all the time. But all in all, they have gotten so much closer. They love being together and playing together. And I have a 15 year old who hangs out at home, talks to me about all sorts of stuff and seems to be doing just fine even though he knows no one here! He's just that kind. Thankfully he has his iphone and he stays in touch with old friends, but as far as people here, there's no one yet. And he's just like his dad--he doesn't seem to mind! I'm hoping that will change next fall as he will be taking some classes at the co-op here, but until then, he seems fine to just stay at home and hang out!

So that's what's going on here, I guess. Not much still. I feel like our lives are on hold. We visited Naples in January, and that was hard. But we made it. I know this is where God has us. Jon is happy at work and feels challenged. I'm happy for him. I've had four kids on antibiotics in the last six weeks. That NEVER happens at our house!! But it did. I'm blaming it on the climate change. ;) We've switched another child to gluten free. That's kindof something that I'm tired of thinking about. Man, it would be easier just to fix her a turkey sandwich with "nanaise" (as she says.) GF bread just isn't so easy to work with. We do it, but it's expensive as well! Just something else to have to think about in my life!!

Sorry if this has been a negative, complaining blog. I guess maybe I needed to do this a long time ago and get this all out! I know God is working in my life. I know he has big plans. I trust Jeremiah 29:11 that says that he has plans for me--to give me a hope and a future. Right now I'm just waiting. Waiting until he reveals my future and those plans. To say right now is dry in my life would be the understatement of the year! I'm used to being used at church, in the community, and other places as well as in my home. I guess right now God just wants me here--at home. So that's what I'll do. I'll stay home while he wants me to and follow his lead when it's time to venture out. It's kind of lonely, but I'll be fine. God is good all the time.....even in the middle of the dry spells.