40 days of Lent

Our family has never observed lent. This is a new one for us. To tell you the truth, my husband and I both thought it was more of a "Catholic" thing. Neither of us grew up in churches that said much about it. But the church we are in now follows the church calendar pretty closely. We went to our first Ash Wednesday service last week, and our whole family got ashes on our forehead. That made more of an impression on some than others. It actually made a huge impression on my 4 and 7 year olds. They've talked about it alot and it's brought on great discussion.

So since we're observing lent this year, I figured I should give something up. Isn't that what it's all about anyway? Sacrifice? Well, God had been working on my heart to give up Facebook for awhile. I couldn't really see giving up food. For me, that wouldn't have worked as the sacrifice that I needed to make--unless I gave up ALL food for 40 days he did. Yeah, I'm not ready for that yet!!

My kids have chosen to give up certain things as well. I'm most impressed with Shepley's sacrifice. After thinking for a couple of days, she decided to give up "art" (which translates into any coloring, drawing, painting, etc.) This is a huge part of her life, and when she first told me I almost said, "No, I don't think you need to do that." But the Holy Spirit help my tongue. I really think the Spirit was moving in her to lead her to this. She has struggled. She has been vocal with me about her desire to do it, but she wants to keep her promise to God. A couple of days ago, she came to me and said, "Mommy, I forgot! I forgot about lent and I colored something." She was heartbroken that she had broken her promise to God. Wow!! It gave me an opportunity to talk with her and tell her that that is what lent is all about. It's to show us that we CAN'T keep our promises to God!! We're incapable of just having a strong enough will to do it. It's about the fact that Jesus DID do it all. He kept his promises perfectly so that God sees us as perfect through him. I told her that the fact that she was so heartbroken and upset about breaking her promise was exactly what God wanted to see!! He wants a broken and contrite heart! What an example she was to me. I pray that her heart always stays that soft and desirous to live for him!

So for me, Facebook has been tough. I've been tempted to get on to see a picture or something. I also considered getting on long enough to just post this post on my blog. But I decided to do that after lent is over. I think it's been mostly tough because of being so far away from so many people that I love. It's my lifeline sometimes. I sat in church yesterday and cried and cried. Jon wasn't with me because Cedar had been sick, and he was home with him. I hadn't been able to go in a month so Jon let me go instead!! I sat in church and cried because I felt displaced. I felt like I don't belong anywhere. I don't belong in Naples anymore, but I don't yet feel like I belong here either. I think our church is doing great things here, but I'm not really sure that I belong there. I've never felt more lonely than I did yesterday sitting in church. Oh, it's not the church's fault. I'm not saying that. My 8 year old was totally acting up--really unlike him when he's with me. That brought on some of it. Just feeling the stares and judgements of the people behind me. If you have kids, you know how it is!! But at this church they don't just "shake hands" and say "Hello" at a certain point in the service. They celebrate community together. They laugh and talk and visit for a good five minutes or so. I've looked at that and loved that they do it. But it's hard when you don't feel a part of it. Part of me feels like I just haven't had the time to put into it what I need it.

But all of that to say that I started wondering if yesterday it hit me so hard because I haven't been on Facebook in five days. I haven't had my lifeline. Maybe that is what lent is all about. God wants us to give up our earthly lifelines and cling only to him. He showed me this clearly yesterday as tears were streaming down my face as we went up to take communion. He ministered to my soul--but I can't say I left there feeling whole. No, I think he probably has a lot more work to do. I'm not sure that I'm ready for it--but I'm willing. I can say with all my heart that I WANT him to be my only lifeline. Getting there is a whole other story.

I wish I could say that I came home and was able to spend all afternoon soaking in his word and he taught me all I needed!! :) No, I came home and cooked lunch, cleaned up lunch, put a baby to bed, tried to unpack more in my room, got a baby up after 30 minutes because the 4 year old had screamed in the house and woken him up, took three little ones to the park, made supper, read books, played a little here and there, and then.....another night was upon me where I wanted to just fall into bed but was reminded by my 8 and 9 year old that I needed to read more of our current read aloud before they went to bed.

So I'm praying (once again) for more diligence--to be wise with my time--to have the strength to rise up earlier than the baby at 6:30 (after being up once at night nursing him and up with the 4 and 7 year old figuring out their sleeping arrangements in their bed, in our bed, on our floor, back in our bed)...... Don't judge me here, please. I need more time to hang on to Jesus as my lifeline--up close and personal.

And back to that 8 year old acting up in church yesterday....I have no doubt it was his emotions about being here that were coming through. I talked with him about it yesterday afternoon, and he just broke down. He had just said to me that morning, "I don't like this new church" and "I hate Tennessee" and "I just want to go back to Naples." So I knew things were going to surface. And they did. Just at a very inopportune time! (Don't they always.)

But more about that little guy in another post. I need to get back to taking care of things around here.