Giving up my Sanity

As the season of Lent is upon us, I feel very unprepared for it. This is the third year now that I've been in a church that talks about and celebrates Lent in a very meaningful way, and I've had the desire to participate the last two years. But this year I am worn down. This year I don't know what else I have to give.

I considered the big one--social media--again this year. I did that two years ago, and it was a great time of growing and dwelling with Jesus for me. But I quickly decided against it. With the adoption and hosting looming, Facebook is the only way I have to stay in touch with people who have become my "family" in all of this. No, this year, social media will stay in my life.

I thought about giving up some sort of food or fasting for a few days. I may still do that. One meal or even one whole day a week certainly wouldn't hurt me right now. But I tried a few weeks ago to start a new program by Beachbody, and I failed miserably. Just not my time right now with the busyness and stress in my life.

This morning I felt like God was saying, "I've asked you to give up, and you have. I asked you to be willing, and you have. You've given up time, money, emotion, and sanity!" That's what I want.

The past few days I've waffled between so many emotions. From excitement to questioning, from being sure that this is what we should do to wondering why I ever got into this. This is hard stuff. We want to give her a home. We want to love her and show her the love of a family that she's never known. And yet, she's never met us. She has to choose to come live with a family she's never met. Will she want to come to America, to freedom, to a better life so much that she's willing to trust these strangers--who will have just written her a few letters, sent a few pictures and tried to invest into her life from thousands of miles away? Not even to mention the fact that the country she is in is in political upheaval and could go to war any day. The news reports change every day. The country could be shut down. The airspace could be closed. Anything could happen.

It's crazy. It's reckless. And it certainly doesn't make sense.

I keep hearing in my head and in my heart,

"I never said it was going to be easy. I never said the Christian life was safe. I never said to make sure you had everything planned out for the future. I said to be willing. I said people were going to hate you and think you're crazy. I said it would be difficult. I said, "Deny yourself. Take up your cross, and follow me."

And so with that, with those words, I move forward. I keep running the race. I get one, two, three steps closer to finishing this home study to moving onto the next step. All the while, I question. All the while, I wonder, "How do I continue to give all of myself--time, money, energy, emotion--and still guard my heart so that it doesn't break in the end if she says, "no"? The answer is, "I don't."That's the conclusion I've come to. I can't. I can't give it all and still guard my heart. My heart will break if she says, "no."

And so I move forward with hope. I move forward trusting that the God who has called us this far will not leave us. I move forward with faith that he holds true to his promises that he has "a plan and a future" for us, and it is good. And I move forward with the knowledge that yes, my heart might be broken. She may say "no." We may lose a lot because of this. But I know with every fiber of my being that this is the road I'm supposed to be on. This is exactly where God wants me this Lent season.

Giving up my sanity.

Living with abandon

This past week life has played havoc with my heart. Most of you know that we hosted an orphan from Eastern Europe over Christmas. I don't think I've even written about that on here since the day before she came. I've thought about it, but I just couldn't get the words to come out right. It was just easier not to say anything. She is a part of our lives now forever. That will not change--whether she ends up permanently here or not.

We are friends with her on VK (a European FB of sorts) and we are also friends with some of her roommates. Jon and I both seemed to fall in love with one of the little girls in particular and thought about maybe hosting her this summer along with A. We felt like we could commit to adopting them both if that's what they chose, and we were happy with that. But that was in the future.

We found out last week that the other little girl will be 16 next month. It's at that age that the kids "age out" of adoption. They aren't able to be adopted anymore. Our hearts sank at the news, but we felt like we should go ahead and pursue it even though we had never met her and she had never met us!! We called the adoption agency and they put in a request last Friday to find out her availability. We still haven't gotten that answer back, but now we've found out more news. She has a sister. Her sister is 14. This would buy us time to adopt the older sister. But we found ourselves in a position of thinking about adopting 3 teenage, non-English speaking orphans who carry A LOT of baggage! Wow!! When you decide to step out for Jesus, he takes you places you never thought you would be.

I have never loved my husband more. I have seen him over the past six months go from someone I didn't think would consider even adopting again to someone who was totally willing to do what it takes to bring 3 teenage orphans into our home, making a grand total of 9 kids!! This weekend was full of prayers and long talks. It was full of rethinking plans and moving rooms and furniture around in our minds!! It was full of questions and anxious thoughts. In the end, there was peace. Because when you live in the middle of Jesus, he brings peace in all situations. 

Although my husband had a pretty easy time saying, "yes" to all these girls, (should they decide to come) I was the one that was having the harder time. All I want it is to live my life unabashedly for Jesus. I want to give him my whole heart. I want to say, "Do with my life what YOU will!" My true desire is for His Kingdom to come and rule my life on earth as it is in Heaven. So I don't want to make any excuses for not doing the hard stuff! All weekend those were my conflicting thoughts. 

"Jesus, you know my heart. You know I want to give it ALL to you. I don't want to hold anything back. I know orphans are close to your heart, and they are close to mine. I know you place the lonely in families, and I want our family to be your hands and feet. But, Jesus, at what point is it too much? At what point is there a place for practicality? Is there ever a place for it? Is there ever a time for just "being smart about things" or is that just a cop out? Another excuse? And yet, you've given me these six right now. You've called us to homeschool. That's not an easy task, and it gets harder every year. I don't want to cheat them. Yes, I know the experience of serving three of 'the least of these' is invaluable and yet is it worth not giving them what they need?"

Y'all, ALL WEEKEND! 

Back and forth. Back and forth. The Casting Crowns song "Somewhere in the Middle" kept playing over and over in my head. I don't want to live in the middle. I don't want to live between the hot and the cold. The lines of that song have always stuck with me: "Fearless warriors in the picket fence; Reckless abandon wrapped in common sense; Deep water faith in the shallow end. Are we caught in the middle?" That sums it up!!! Do I have reckless abandonment to Jesus and yet it's wrapped in common sense? Common sense doesn't play much of a role in the Christian faith. Do I have deep water faith but am I just staying in the shallow end? Am I training to be a fearless warrior and yet staying in my picket fence?? THIS is what I don't want. And yet, I'm not alone in this. I'm a mother of six. I manage and take care of a family of eight. I am the educator of these children as well. And that's what I've been called to do first.

So after lots of praying, talking to Jon and to some other friends who homeschool and also have a heart for adoption and orphans, I felt like I needed to take my cue from my kids. I was already feeling that. My girls, of course, were completely thrilled and on board. But for them it looked like sunshine and roses and every night's a slumber party!! My 10 year old was a little hesitant, but I think he would've gone along with it. My oldest thought we were out of our minds. He was totally on board with adopting one and maybe even two. But three???

God kept bringing to mind that it's my son's Senior year next year. It's his last year at home. There are lots of things that I am called to do as a mom of a Senior to help him get ready for college. There are lots of plans that we've made as a family to spend that last year as well as we can together!! I owe it to him to be present. I owe it to him to be completely here for him. He needs me even if he doesn't think he does! And if he thinks we're insane for adopting 3 girls, I don't want the affects of that on his last year here.

And so, it's with peace that we've decided we will not be pursuing adoption of 3 teenage Eastern European orphans. Jon was pretty disappointed. I could tell. I think he already had the plan in his mind of exactly how things were going to work. I'm thankful. I'm thankful that God has worked in his heart in ways I could never imagine. I'm thankful to be able to testify to the fact that about two years ago I started praying that God would "break his heart for the things that break God's." He's as shocked as anyone at this change in himself. ;) I'm thankful that the way he wants to spend our 20th anniversary trip is not going to Italy, like we once planned; but instead traveling to Eastern Europe to work in orphanages and pouring out ourselves and our resources into the children that society has thrown away. I'm thankful that he wants to give them Jesus in every way.

We will still pursue adoption of A. We will pursue as long as it takes until she says "no" or the adoption doors are closed. There is a possibility of hosting her for 8 weeks this summer instead of only 5. We are thrilled!!! We are focusing on that right now. We are focusing on making her part of our family and continuing to show her Jesus. Maybe one day we will feel the nudge again to pursue another orphan. I have the feeling that we will. I have the feeling that this isn't going away! But for now, I can know that I am living with abandon to Jesus. I want to give it all. And I've got the best opportunity in the world to serve him right here in my home EVERY day.

And we will continue to help change the world, one orphan at a time.

Forever Changed

Tonight is the "eve of my life being forever changed." I am expecting that tomorrow will be one of the most amazing and one of the most anxious days of my life. Tomorrow we meet a little girl that we have been praying for, planning for, and thinking about for months!! The thing is that we have had months to think about her, study her face, pray for her, learn a few words in her language, etc. We CHOSE her. She didn't choose us. She gets whoever they hand her! I hope she'll be okay with who she gets!

I can't even describe how I'm feeling right now. I should be doing so many others things and yet here I sit. I just want to get my thoughts out. I just want someone to know how I feel. I know there's no way she can know, but I pray that in some way I can begin to show her.

Right now she's riding on a train to her first flight destination. She'll be traveling for almost 24 hours by the time she gets here tomorrow. She will be exhausted and disoriented. And she'll be met with the worlds' craziest family hugging and kissing all over her!! She'll climb up in our big ole van and head to Knoxville to spend a month in our family. I can't even imagine how she's feeling right now. She still doesn't even know who we are. She won't know until she boards the plane at 11 pm tonight (our time.) It will be 6 am their time. And then she'll have just a few hours to look at our pictures, read the few words there on that page and wrap her head around all of it before falling off of the plane and into our arms.

She's a brave soul. They tell them bad things about Americans. And as crazy as some of them sound, the kids believe it. Because it's coming from people that they trust many times. All these kids coming to America are brave. They are leaving everything they know, everything familiar, their language, their friends, everything to come and hopefully get what they long for--a family, even if it's not "officially" their forever family. They get a connection with what a real family is. That's what this program is about. It's giving these kids a chance to see how functional people live in families and in this world. It's giving them the love of a mom and dad--even if just for a short time in person. They will have those families, in most cases, to communicate with forever. What a precious gift for them.

But I can't even begin to imagine what it's going to do for our own family. My prayer is that God would use it to change us forever. My prayer is, of course, that she will end up in our family forever. But that's way down the road at this point. Right now, we're just looking at the next month. We're looking to love her and pour into her all we have.

We are so blessed. I am overwhelmed at the outpouring of love and prayers we've had from friends and family. There are so many people supporting and loving this little girl and us through prayer. Thank you from the bottom of my heart if that has been you. As anxious as I feel right now, I know that it will all come together, and I know that it's in God's hands. No where better to be. So we go into this with a thankful heart, blessed beyond measure with friends and family who love us so much!! And I know that if she does end up being ours forever, she will be blessed beyond measure as well. She will come to America with so many people loving her!!

I can't wait to be able to share our adventures and memories that we'll make while she's here. All of you who have prayed, this is your journey too. Thank you for contributing! Thank you for loving us well!! I feel completely covered and even at peace as I finish writing this. Yes, that is why I write. Thank you, Jesus, that we can always lay it all on you.

My Eastern European princess is on her way, and I couldn't be happier!!!

On my heart...sex trafficking

It's been quite awhile since I've blogged, and every time I get on, I remember why. Blogger is not working well for me, and if I sit for any length of time to think, I have trouble getting it to start again. That's not so easy.

But today I have something to say. I've had something for awhile, but I haven't been able to get it right. But I'm going to try now.

As most of you know, we are hosting an orphan from Ukraine this Christmas. We are so very excited about this, and we are praying that it will turn into an adoption as well. But that is yet to be determined. But in all of my excitement about this, I've been watching videos and reading books and doing lots of research about orphanages and other missions that help them. I've found many worthy ministries. There are many people out there who are helping, and for that I am truly thankful. I haven't found a lot of people in the United States who know too much about what really goes on in these orphanages (or really cares much, for that matter) but there are some.

You see, there are estimated to be 147 million orphans worldwide. That number seems overwhelming. I think that's why most people just turn a blind eye. I mean, what can one person do, right? It's much easier to pretend that they aren't there, to pretend that the healthcare crisis in America or border control or higher taxes or just Obama himself is so much more of a pressing matter. I'm not saying those things aren't important. They are. But Jesus didn't say a lot about them in his word--except that the example of the New Testament church was to sell all they had to be able to give to others.  Just sayin'.... [On a side note, I'm not sure where that puts me as a conservative Republican, but whatever.]

But Jesus did talk about the orphans. Jesus did talk about the oppressed and the poor. He told us to care for them. He told us he wouldn't leave them as orphans. Guess who are supposed to be his hands and feet--not leaving them?? THE CHURCH!

So I'm not here to preach to anyone about adoption or even hosting a child. I really don't believe that adoption is the answer. There's no way we could ever adopt all 147 million orphans out there. Not gonna happen. And people aren't going to respond to that call. Some will. Some will adopt. There are lots of people out there doing just that, and it's awesome! If you know someone--help them! Answer the call that way. Many people want to adopt but can't afford it. That is a great way to help if God has put that on your heart.

But there are so many other ways to help. There are so many other answers to the problems, so many ways to be the hands and feet of Jesus and help "the least of these." You can sponsor a child through Compassion or World Vision. I know there are lots of other ways to sponsor a child, but I know personally that these two organizations make sure that the maximum amount of your money is going to help the orphans. Follow Katie Davis at her blog Kisses from Katie and see what amazing things this young lady is doing for Jesus--just by following his call when most anyone else would have thought it was impossible. Read some books like Infinitely More and Priceless to educate yourself on what is really going on out there beyond our safe little houses and safe families.

I've found an amazing ministry called Stella's Voice. Actually, I'm pretty sure I've heard of it before, but now I'm in so deep I can't get out! I want to help. I have the overwhelming desire to help. Make sure you check out their ministry. Watch this:

Like I said, I'm in deep now. I can't back down. God has my heart. But I didn't just want to give money--although that's definitely in the plans. I know that our little bit helps as it is combined with others. But I want to do more. So here's my plan. At Christmas, everyone is more giving, right? Most people are feeling a little more charitable. I really want to get as much as I can together to send to this ministry. Their headquarters are in Alabama. The shipping can't be that much. If it gets to be so much that the shipping is ridiculous, I'll drive it there myself! But they need clothes and toiletries and toys and shoes and socks and linens. They have so many physical needs. They are trying to build two more homes that would house 70 more girls. 70 more girls that would be safe from human trafficking!!! I want to know that I'm making a difference in someone's life. It would be amazing to get to go there myself in Mondolva but that's not going to happen in time soon. So I would love to be able to help in other physicals ways.

Here are the facts. Over 20.9 million adults and children are in slavery today (sex or forced labor) according to equalitynow.org. Here's what one young survivor had to say:

"They forced me to sleep with as many as 50 customers as day. I had to give [the pimp] all my money. If I did not [earn a set amount] they punished me by removing my clothes and beating me with a stick until I fainted, electrocuting me, cutting me."--Kolab, a survivor from Cambodia

 The thing that got me so into this in the first place was hearing the statistics of orphan girls who end up in prostitution or sex trafficking. You see, in Russian (and other Eastern European countries) the orphans are turned out and expected to live on their own at 16. They are no longer adoptable and no longer a responsibility of the orphanage. This depends on the country and orphanage but the age is either 16 or 18 in each of the countries. With little education and up against insurmountable odds, what is an orphan girl to do? From statistics that I've heard, close to 90% of these girls end up as prostitutes or being sold into slavery. Human trafficking is a very lucrative business--much more lucrative than drugs. And hearing these statistics along with connecting with a sweet Ukrainian orphan (whom I've never met) just by seeing her photo, has set my heart on fire for this mission. I cannot imagine her sweet face being turned out to the streets in just a couple of years. God has given me a fierce, protective love for her already that is so deep that I just want to give her everything we can to equip her for this world. All we can really give her is Jesus. He's the only hope. My biggest prayer is that she will see that while she's here. And if God ordains it, that she will be back to live with us permanently. And in that way, maybe we can keep one more orphan out of the hands of the traffickers.

But that's just my thoughts. That's what got me to thinking about this. It got me researching and doing. And if you know me, you know I'm a doer. I got that from my mama!! I tend to sometimes do things too fast without thinking. But I know this is a good thing.

So here's what I'm asking. If you live in Knoxville (or want to mail me something) I will be collecting items to send to Stella's Voice. Like I said above, please watch the video and check out the website to see what they are all about. Here is a link to see all the things they need and the specifications. Obviously, money is also always appreciated--checks made out to Stella's Voice.

So if you feel led this Christmas to give, I'm going to start collecting whenever people start giving. If you feel led to share this with others, please do. If you feel led to help me out with this, please do. If you are in other parts of the country and you think you might want to do the same thing in your community, go for it. And let me know!! I would love to make this thing big! Just my way of trying  to help from my little corner of the world. My kids are in on this as well. The younger ones don't know all of the details of course. But we're praying. And we'll be giving as a family. Won't you join us??

Hope to hear from you soon!!!

My epiphany

I had an epiphany today.

I looked around my house at my six precious children and realized, they are all here. They are all still here. In two years, one will be gone. But for today and for the next two years, they will be here.

As tears welled in my eyes, threatening to spill (and incite another round of "why are you crying, Mommy" questions--because I cry at the drop of a hat) I gathered myself and made the decision to make this the best year yet.

You see, when I started this homeschool journey 13 years ago, my oldest was 3. I was bound and determined to be the best homeschool mom ever, and he was of course going to be the best student. He was going to be the smartest and the most well behaved (if you know him, you know how that one turned out.)

As it happened, though, just as he was about to start his Kindergarten year, we added a baby to our family. He couldn't have been happier, of course. But this certainly put a little crimp in our homeschooling schedule and plans. Then as he started 1st grade, we had just added another sweet bundle. We added that 3rd bundle in the middle of his 2nd grade year. To say his first three years of academia were "scattered" would be quite the understatement.

But we kept plugging. During the summer between his 4th and 5th grade years, we added the next sweet blessing and then between 7th and 8 grade added our last. So, you see, Trand has never known school without babies. He's never known what uninterrupted time with mom was. He's never known what it was like to really stick to a schedule because there was always a little one around--always.

And Trand will be going off to college the year that Cedar starts Kindergarten. So he will have spent his entire academia life with babies and toddlers and now these last two years with a pre-schooler.

But these two years are what I'm focusing on. Because you see, I truly believe that the three year old year is when it all changes. It all gets easier. And I haven't had a 3 year old as my youngest in 13 years! So I am quite excited about this. Cedar is able to be entertained during the school day. He's got five brothers and sisters who absolutely LOVE playing with him. They are thrilled when it's their break time or their scheduled "Cedar time" and they get to play Jake and the Neverland Pirates, Mickey Mouse Clubhouse or even My Little Pony (Rainbow Dash is unabashedly his favorite) with him.

My epiphany came today when I realized how easy the last week and a half has been. We've gotten all of our school work done every day, there have been no major breakdowns, relatively few distractions, decent attitudes all in all, and I've really felt like we've accomplished a lot. It dawned on me that this was the difference--my youngest was three.

In the same thought it dawned on me that my oldest is 16 and a Junior. He will be leaving in two years. Yes, while my youngest is getting older and easier, that means everyone else is as well.

I will not be dwelling on what I'll be feeling in two years. I want to live in the moment now. I want these next two years to count. I want to soak up every memory, every thought, every word. I want to cherish every laugh shared--especially between my oldest and youngest. I want to capture the moments of bellowing laughter and sweetness shared, drinking in the beautiful times and even the not so beautiful ones.

Yes, I plan on making it a memorable two years. I don't know where life will be taking us tomorrow or next week or next year. But I'm enjoying the ride with six great kids that I have the amazing privilege of mothering.

And I wouldn't miss it for the world.

What is required?

Last night I had Jon listen to this song.....

He had heard it before on the radio, but he has a problem actually listening to a song past the first 20 seconds. ;) It's called "Kings and Queens" by Audio Adrenaline, and I cry every time I hear it. If you just skipped over it and you're not familiar with it, it's about adoption. And it's dead on.

You see, Jon and I talk a good bit about adoption. Well, mainly I talk, he listens, and then says something about waiting for God to change his heart about it!! Ha! But recently we got a bit of good news. Jon got a new CFO position at a bigger hospital here in Knoxville. Now he will be only 12 minutes from home instead of 45-50! Plus, it comes with a salary increase. That got me thinking about the verse "Everyone to whom much was given, much will be required." (Luke 12:48.)

Now this isn't a new revelation. It's not like I all of a sudden think we have "much." I think pretty much everyone in America has "much." If you have a roof over your head, clothes on your body, food in your refrigerator and especially a device on which you are currently reading this blog post, you have "VERY MUCH" by the rest of the worlds' standards! But this current turn of events has gotten me thinking....what is required of me?

I also know this.  "Religion that is pure and undefiled before God, the Father, is this: to visit [or care for] orphans and widows in their affliction." So we are commanded to care for the orphans. Actually, it's true religion. (Side note: I do often think the widows get a little left out of this equation so I'm not trying to short them. But for my purposes today, I'm talking about the orphans.)

Adoption is always on my radar these days. I think it's a beautiful picture of how we have been made Children of God. We were born into sin. We were as far from God's children as we could be because God cannot be in the presence of sin. But although we did not deserve any of it, our creator chose us from before the foundation of the world to be called "Sons and daughters of God." Ephesians 1:5 says, "He predestined us for adoption as sons through Jesus Christ, according to the purpose of his will."

Of course, we have our own adoption story in this family. It has touched us in a very real and personal way. And the fact is, there are orphans out there who need families. I know there's a lot of corrupt stuff that goes on in adoption, but I don't think we can let that deter us from those truly in need.

So I worry. I worry that we aren't doing enough. We aren't doing what is required of us. I worry that we aren't practicing true religion and giving what we should be.

But today, God has been giving me another verse. 

He has told you, O man, what is good;
    and what does the Lord require of you
but to do justice, and to love mercy,
    and to walk humbly with your God? ~Micah 6:8

What does the God require from us??? This is it! This is for me today! This is all I have to do--for today. You see, I'm in the wonderful position of being the wife of a wonderful man. So that means I get to submit to his decisions. Yes, you read that right. I get to!! 

Submission is a beautiful thing to me. It means that I don't have to answer for all of our family's decisions. It means that if things don't work out, I'm not the one in charge. It means that I don't have to agonize over what to do with our money or resources. Yes, I have input and opinions and Jon values 

those. But in times like this when I'm stressed over everything, I get to put that stress aside and rest. It means that the decision of whether or not to adopt is not just sitting on my shoulders. I am not to be my husband's holy spirit and continually whisper in his ears, "There are orphans who need us..."

I trust that God will speak to Jon about what to do with what He has given us. I also trust that praying will be a much more effective way of working on Jon's heart than my words in his ear! So I'll work on my part to do justice, to love mercy and to walk humbly with God. I would say that's quite the undertaking right there--enough for me to spend quite some time on!!

Adoption: the beautiful and the ugly

Adoption is a beautiful thing. But it's also hard and messy. 

I had lunch with a friend on Monday, and I told her that very statement. I was talking about my own adoption experience. I wouldn't change for the world what happened in our lives to bring us to the decision to adopt. Adoption wasn't really on our radar before that. I know some people have felt led to adopt their whole lives. Even though I grew up next to a family that adopted two children, it was never something on my heart until I struggled with my own infertility. If you haven't read my story and care to, you can read about it in part one and part two of my struggle. I know that God brought us to adoption through our circumstances--no other way around it! And I'm so thankful that he did.

You see, Liza-Hill is amazing. She has blessed our family in countless way. She also is a blessing to most everyone else that she is around. She's energetic and silly. She's self confident and knows what she wants. She loves to make people happy, and she makes a friend everywhere she goes to prove it! She has no time for school because she's constantly FaceTiming her plethora of friends. And best of all, she has an amazing heart for Jesus, and if you ask her to pray for you, you can bet she will! Adoption has been a beautiful thing in our life. Everyday I see it. I see it in her smile, hear it in her laugh, watch it in action as she dances around a room. She shines light everywhere she goes. She is love incarnate!

So how is adoption hard and messy in our house? We have a pretty easy time of it. No language barriers, no cultural differences, no past to be reminded of or work through. But I'll tell you, as wonderful as Liza-Hill is, she is still human. She is still mean to her sisters sometimes. She is still disrespectful as times. She still does plenty of things that require discipline on our part as parents. And I'm telling you what, not one time of discipling her has ever happened that it didn't cross my mind,

"Is she going to hold this against me?"

Is she going to feel like this isn't my job? Is she going to think, "If I was with my birth mom, she wouldn't be doing this." Is she thinking, "She's only doing this because I'm adopted"? And dreading the day that everyone says is coming, the day that she looks me in the eyes and shouts, "You're not my REAL mom!"

Liza-Hill has been talking about finding her birth parents for years. I know she doesn't do this to hurt me. She has no idea how it turns the knife in my heart each time she says it. I know that my daughter is a people person. She would absolutely die if she couldn't be around people. So having that unknown about her birth parents in her life is a hard thing. I don't blame her, and it's not like I don't understand. I just know what's very likely going to happen from there.

I hear stories quite often of happy reunions--birth mothers and their biological children. I don't hear them as often about birth fathers, but I met Liza-Hill's birth father. I'm sure he's going to be just as excited to see her as she is him. She has his personality through and through. I hear of kids who were placed for adoption going on vacation with their birth mothers (and their family.) They spend time together at family reunions or other important events.  I always hear these stories in a wonderful, positive light. And to the people telling them, they are a wonderful thing.

But as I hear these stories, my throat closes a little, my eyes fight to hold back tears, and I paste on a happy *oh-that's-so-great* smile as that knife in my heart turns a little more. And I think, "What about the adoptive parents? Where are they in all of this? What about the years of love, sweat and tears they poured into raising this child?"

I'm trying to prepare myself for that day in my life. Even more than hearing the horrible, "You're not my REAL mom," I am dreading that day. That day when she turns 21 and begins her quest, that she will not end until her goal is met, to find the parents who gave her life, the ones who brought her into this world and into my arms. I know her. I know her inside and out. And I know that she will have to do this. I won't stop her. It's who she is. She will have to know them. She will have to seek out her blood sister as well, the one that her birth mom placed for adoption two years before she was born. She will do this because they are a part of her, and she needs them.

I would never deny them the blessing of knowing my sweet Liza-Hill. They made that unselfish choice to give her to me so many years ago, and I will be forever grateful. No, I would not try to keep her from them or them from her. She WILL make their lives better, happier, fuller.

It's times like these, when I get so overwhelmed with the thought of having to share her one day, that I have to remember that none of my children "belong" to me. They belong to Jesus. I have no idea what could happen to any of them even tomorrow. I trust in my Savior for the care of all of them, and I must do the same for Liza-Hill. I must share her one day. I know that.

My prayer is that while it will be exciting for her one day to meet her birth family, she will always remember my snuggles, my tickles, my back rubs, my songs, my silliness, my words, my time and my tears. That may be selfish of me, but I really don't care. :) She will always be mine even if I have to share her a little bit, and I pray for the grace to do that well.